Two or three days before leaving California, I was listening to a lot of worship music, and I had that feeling of being like the singers but not being able to express it for lack of confidence, not a good rythm, maybe even not always singing right and some fear... As I was listening I felt myself entering more and more in an helpless state of mind about that, recognizing that I coudln't do anything, nor change it, there was no need to try to improve myself, for I tried, and it didn't work! It was more reinforcing that there was really something wrong with me and my singing.
So I was desperatly crying my heart out, for I love so much singing, and I feel my heart calling me to that so strongly. At some point, I felt a total surrender happening and the words coming in my mouth as a prayer to Jesus were "ok, I stop! I totally stop trying to sing, to do it my way, to be the one directing. I cannot do it by myself, so I let You guide... And no matter what, I'm gonna trust it's for my best and follow You", I felt there was a totally given up of trying to make it happen, or making sure I'll be singing again... it was just about putting everything in the right order, and giving the priority to Purpose, to Jesus, before the desire for singing. It felt like the letting go of another identity;
The day after, Erik asked me if I wanted to sing with him. Which we did. And it was awesome, so effortless... I didn't recognize the voice that was singing, there was a deep deep Joy, and I was crying after each song almost! At some point we sang "Trusting You", one of the last song I wrote, on which we've been collaborating so much and that has been soooo healing for me since its writing! As I was singing, I felt being carried and lifted up.... and I had that feeling of being surrounded by angels, escorting me to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. There was so much light, it was fabulous. I cried so much...
On the Monday, two days later, we left Petaluma to go at Patrick's house in Sacramento. He had offered to host us for our last night and driving us to the airport. We were planning on going first to the course group in Marin and then going at his place.
There I was watching my mind and seeing some competition thoughts still and also some jealousy thoughts. And I felt that tiredness about that, and a huge determination to go to the root of that. The more I was taking the FULL responsibility of everything I was perceving and feeling about that, the more joy there was; I realized that I never fully took the 100% responsibility for the jealousy, there was always a little bit left because of something or someone;-)) Here I was determined!
After that, I prayed to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit to show me the way, to show me the thruth, and felt again that helplessness... like a surrender to thinking I could do it by myself, no I couldn't! I was humble enough to recognize that I just don't know what to do and how to do it..
At some point, the teacher was reading a section of chapter 18, setting of the goal, and I was still in a prayer state, and I had that insight...
I was brought back in my past and looking at all the times where there has been changes in my life and that I had expectations on how things were supposed to go and how I felt. Each time I felt it was because of me, each time I had given it the meaning that I was unworthy!!!!! And here I was shown that the ONLY reason that there had been all those changes was for me an opportunity to recognize, to realize that I was the unchanging behing all those changes. It was given in order to transcend the belief that I could be affected by the changes, that it meant anything about me, and that I could be something that changes, and accept that I am only what never changes, and that I can never be touch by all what changes... WOW, it was awesome, such a deep deep realization!
I put my arms in the air, feeling so FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A huge smile on my face. I was ready to jump off my chair and shout the love and joy that I was feeling, but I kept it a moment, the group was almost done;-)) I HAVE NEVER BEEN UNWORTHY was the underlying realization of all that!!!! I've always been wrong!!!!
Right after, Sharong invited Erik and I to sing one or two song. And I shared the insight, I couldn't keep it for myself, I wanted to extend that freedom!!
We started by "Trusting You", and I cannot explain what happens, but I felt the Spirit was pouring in me, it was so strong, as a huge rain pouring in a storm, I was all shaking, and still singing. He was singing through me, totally. The experience was washing me away! I felt like the personality has been thrown out, for there was no room for it to stay anywhere! wow!
And since then it keeps being deeper and deeper and everything that I thought before is just gone!
There is just the JOY, and Passion!!!!
I wanted to extend that Joy, Love and Gratitude for everything and everyone... this path, this undoing of all what I am not, is so worthet, so fabulous.... Don't keep anything! look at everything, don't take it seriously.... it's not the Truth!!
This road trip is so awesome, so deeply healing... I'm so grateful!
Lots of Love
Armelle
