It seems that after going through all those emotions and that strong shift for both of us in the mind, gentleness and love are present. It's incredible how I feel different since that last experience that we both shared on that blog. As if the shift in my mind and also the fact that Erik released the perception he had about me had allowed me to be who I feel I've always been... soft and love. That's really strange, and so great for sure! I feel surrendering to everything that can happen. I don't feel any fight inside anymore. I feel vulnerable and as a child, not knowing anything, and totally willing to be shown. Being at the castle again with our mighty companions is really great. Yesterday we had a joining that lasted almost the all day. I feel the healing is still taking place but in a very gentle way.
So now we just enjoy being here with all there is, and it's perfect as it is... even not expecting for a next step!! Just being, where we are... Enjoying all that love surrounding us!
Lots of love
Armelle
Jan 14, 2010
Jan 12, 2010
Waw, so much healing!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, at the end of the day, we left the castle. We were both feeling something else had to take place (hey we were feeling the same;-))))
We came back to my parent's house. I was happy to see them, and felt good to share with them. But it didn't happen that way when we arrived. We ate, Erik and I, and then sat before our computers. I was listening to the satsang I was guided to have on monday, that had been recorded. It was so interesting, for at that time the internet connection was cutting a lot, and I couldn't hear everything! Certainly not ready yet;-) All what was said hit me in the face, waw, it was really big, I was happy having listened to! Later we went to bed, without really talking with my parents.
I received an email of a very dear friend, telling that he had read the blog and talking to me about what he thinks about guidance, coming directly from the Spirit I guess, beautiful reflection of my mind told me Erik. But I was so touched, without knowing why. after a time, I realized I was touched because I felt naked before him, because I imagined he could see how imperfect I am, going through all those emotions, ... Then I felt how much it's still difficult to be who I am... And I knew it was certainly for that that we are here.. an opportunity for me to practice;-) I started to cry for I was sad to have the opportunity to talk with my parents but not knowing how to do it, and not doing anything at all! I would like so much joining with them in truht of who I am.
After talking with Erik, I felt going down and tell them all what I was feeling. So I did. I told them how much I'd like to join with them but I don't know how, for they are not sharing and understanding the life that I live. My dad was, first, upset, then says nothing anymore, asking me what I still want to say, and that yes he doesn't understand at all my life, and that for him it's not life. Life is not that, being in the beatitude every day!
It was really difficult for me to express my feelings, so I was crying. I told them that I was afraid that if I wasn't talking to them they will thing I don't love them, and it's not true, but talking about the weather doesn't interest me, and that if I talk about what I live, if I am who I am, I am afraid they will reject me because they don't understand. My mother, with her big heart, came next to me to tell me how much they love me and that whatever I can do, they will always love me, even if they don't understand or don't share it, and that she always likes when I am sharing what I am living, and that sometimes she feels that my friends must know more about me than her, them. I felt strongly her desire to join with me and not really knowing how either. we talk a bit about the way we live our life, and what was next, and then my dad asked me too what is next. I talk about the unknowing of the world tour ticket and that we will see. He told me that it's really difficult for him for life is not there at all. For him, life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a bit every day! And my mum said her mother told her that too when she was a little girl. So I was so grateful... for them to be true, and allowing me to see one of the huge belief inside me!!! Keeping me certainly from living happiness, and thinking I don't deserve it too! The joining had an happy ending with hugs and love, and I was so happy to have expressed my fears and desire.
The day after just before waking up I was going through fears and worries because I didn't have any clear guidance about the world tour ticket. And I started to see I was thinking I didn't deserve such a trip, it's not life. I was seeing how one day from another my whole perception of "me", or "my reality" could change in relation to what I am going through, what is the belief on the spot! And now, I am so aware of the piece of toast with shit, that I feel afraid it has become the first one in my mind. As yesterday, I realized deeply how much I am the creator of what I live, by my thoughts, and so I am responsible of everything that is in my life, I started to see that there are many things I was resisted to be in charge of. That I couldn't imagine I could make it is in my life, as for example my marriage with Erik, (and more when I am upset;-)). I was still seeing something outside making it happen or not. Then I told Jesus I want him to be in charge of the day for me. I wanted to think his thoughts, tell his words, I want him to guide my acts, and use my voice to talk. And I lived a so wonderful experience, of deep peace immediately, and was shwown that everything is in me, there is no external power, no external God telling me what to do or not do, there is no external entity or even no internal entity. That's the decision in my mind, all my thoughts, and everything that I am living is in relation with what is deeply in what seems to be "my" mind. So my experience has the color of the love or the fear, and the more I love "me", what is just the projection of my right mind or my wrong mind, the more I recognize Who I am in truth and "my" real value, the more my experience is changing for simple happiness and real Love, for I give less and less power to the identity of Armelle, and more to Jesus or HS to be the guide.
Until that day I had prefered to think there was an outside "entity" or power or authority (thinking more it was inside me, but still not "me") giving me that power or deciding, hanging on if I was listening to her or not, to give me that power. I didn't want to be responsible for all I had lived!! It was too much to think I had all that power, and I had called for all those experiences (even if since years I am aware how much everything had helped me to grow up and be where I am now). The border between being responsible or guilty is so thin, and I felt so much guilty about everything and I was so much judging me. It felt so heavy to be responsible of all what you are living, for the "good" as for the "bad" experiences. For it means that, every time I have the opportunity to make an opportunity of growing and be in the Love, or to be the victim. And I have been the victim so many times!!!!!!!!!!!!! So today, it's a really huge day for me. Waw... huge! I feel so full of gratitude, full of love and full of joy, everything seems suddenly so clear to me. Erik is still sleeping so I go down, I want to share my joy!
My mum is there. We talk a bit. She asks me some questions, and I don't want "Armelle" to answer that, I don't know what to say, so I stay quiet for a time and ask Jesus to put the words in my mouth. I explain as example that it's not because I was raised in the belief that life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a piece every day that I have to keep it and go on my life by experiencing that all the time, proving my belief is true, it can be changed and my experiences too. And as I already did yesterday, I gave that belief to Jesus, for it doesn't serve me anymore. As I am speaking she changes the subject! I think it's too much for her, and immediately comes the thought that I am trying to teach her! I am judging myself, and think maybe I want to feel superior or to see there is someone to heal or to save. So I don't feel good with that, and go to share with Erik what I feel. As I am sharing it, he goes in the same way of thinking than I am. I saw how much he is the pure reflection of my mind, those last days. If I feel certain, he is completely with me. If I am doubtful he reflected it back to me. If I am afraid, he expresses fears, even if I am not expressing it! I feel bad, sad, and a bit guilty too. And in the same time I remember having asked Jesus to speak through me! I am trying to make Erik guilty about something he tells me, and he says it. I take it back and change my mind. In my communication with Jesus this morning he told me the ego would be very vicious today, I have to be very vigilant. So I remember it and let go the upset! I am so aware I feel bad and I want him to "save" me or be the guitly one. I saw how it works so many times these last days! So I know he is right, and it's in my mind!
Later we have a skype call with Jason and Kirsten who had sent us an email to talk with us about guidance and trust. In the call, Kirsten asks me what I think about paying the 400 dollars I was guided to give for the retreat in Canada in August that I couldn't give at that time, for I didn't have any money. And she speaks about integrity. I am compelely ok to give it, for sure. Now I can! But in the same time, I feel there is something in the way. When the call is finished I let this emotion coming, and I feel kind of betrayed, for at that time I told I couldn't come for I had sudden money problem, and they told me to come anyway, my call was so strong. I didn't remember we've talked about the fact I will pay later. So I was feeling "come freely, and now being asked to pay the bill!" Erik told me it has nothing to do with them, and I know it, it's with God. And I really feel betrayed by God. I feel having been "attracted" by receiving everything freely to show me obviously my path, and now he is asking me something in "return", and I feel kind of stuck in that path now. I've tursted him, I've followed the call and now I am there with all that! That's what I feel...
And I just realized that it's me, only me, not God external to me, separated. I know it! But still, I bite to the ego game. For even my relationship with Erik it's difficult for me to feel responsible of having received what I asked for. Sometimes I feel I didn't chose him, he was imposed to me. And I know it's not true at all... but in those "ego crisis" I want him to be so much guilty for me! I want him to be the cause of what I am living. So sometimes I think that if he wasn't in my life everything would be easier. (yes I wouldn't have a daily mirror reflecting my thoughts!!) Again, I can't be the "responsible" of what I feel, so he has to be guilty of something, so I am not in touch with what I am going through, I am outside!
Lunch time we all eat together with my father too, it's very nice, so much laughter! The joining happen, and I could see my parents differently.
Later I hear Erik talking to my mother about the fact that I want to pretend my beliefs are the good ones, but really all that is just beliefs!! I am not with them, but I hear this part of the conversation, and only this! And immediately I feel betrayed again, and start to hate him, so much. the story I make up is "even to my mother he is trying to show I am wrong and he is the good one, the kind one..!" I know everything is the ego, but it's so strong. More than that I start to judge myself being unable to live something else than what I am going through. I have all the power to change and I just feel so powerless facing all what I am going through. I ask Jesus to show me the truth. he does it, but a new story starts immediately. I feel so unable to be happy, so stuck in those old patterns, so guilty, so unworthy even, that I am thinking it would be easier to die than go on with this, I can't do something. I am still here, and it's so painful. I hate Erik more and more, for he even doesn't come to see if I am ok, nor to talk with me. I know I could talk to him, but I can't, and I'd want so much that he would come to talk with me, but it never happens, so the hatrid is "justified" in the ego mind. He doesn't care about me! And in the same time I live the uncomfort of still having all those emotions thinking Erik is still judging me for having them. Finally I feel becoming crazy with all that turning in my mind, right/wrong mind... who is talking, what is true... I scary myself, so after a while I decide to go to the castle and talk with Keith and Christiane, they are the only one available here to whom I can talk trully about what I am going through. I feel also stuck to be to my parents for I think I can't express my emotions. So I take my mother's car and go, without saying anything to anybody!
I burst into tears when I see Keith and he take me in his arms. then I tell everything I see, feel, think, all the hatrid for everybody, all the shame I have for having all those emotions too, and I also feel judged by Erik for having so many emotions, even if he hasn't talk to me!
They just listen to me, silently. I spend the evening there, receiving silently all the love and tenderness from Christiane, and their presence. There are also a lot of emotions going on there! It seems to be an orchestrated "meeting".
Around midnight I decide to go back, I want to be with Erik and share with him. I feel coming back to live at the castle tomorrow, that's the place where I feel it is the most helpfull for now, not knowing anything else.
When I come back, I don't say anything. Erik tells me that he would like to talk to me but he doesn't know how, and that he has some fears. My heart is wide opened at that time, facing his truth in the now, and then he tells me he perceive hostility. At that time, I feel nothing else but love, what I was still keeping one moment before had just vanished miraculously and I propose him to come in my arm. And so we are in the arms of each other. I am so happy of the way I reacted, I don't recognize the angry girl! I feel being the observor, and being guided. I am so happy...
This morning (tuesday), when I get up, my mum talks to me about the way I was the day before, and what she felt. She completely opens her heart about me, our relationship, what she would like to live instead what we are living. It's so beautiful, I am so touched and so happy. She asks me a lot of questions about the way we live our life, what we practice, and I let the Spirit pouring through me. It's so great. She is so happy of that joining, and I am too. I tell her we leave later in the day to go back to the castle for it's there I feel being, but we could meet together for lunch or spend some time later. Hugs, kisses and so much love. I am so grateful about all what she shared, it showed me a lot about my beliefs too. Few time before, I had given the thought that I couldn't express my emotions here with them, and then asked Jesus to be in charge of my day, my thoughts and my words, and my mother was crying so much! See how it's always my beliefs about the other!! As for example that I was afraid to tell her what I was exactly doing and I thought she would be ashamed to share it with her friends, but she told me the opposite! what they think about that is not her problem. So I took this belief back to me;-))
And she told me that often she is inspired by what I share and think she could apply this principles to her life too. So I felt to give her "only one mind" in French and she started to read it. And she told me she thinks it will be really good for her!!!!
And later the joining with my father showed again how he has a big heart too, and want to join, in his way.
My perception has completely changed, I gave the beliefs to Jesus and it come back to me by reflecting it.
So finally we left, I am compeltely at peace, with both of my parents, and feeling so much love and gratitude for all what I lived. It's really always in my mind, I still saw it so much!
With love
Armelle
We came back to my parent's house. I was happy to see them, and felt good to share with them. But it didn't happen that way when we arrived. We ate, Erik and I, and then sat before our computers. I was listening to the satsang I was guided to have on monday, that had been recorded. It was so interesting, for at that time the internet connection was cutting a lot, and I couldn't hear everything! Certainly not ready yet;-) All what was said hit me in the face, waw, it was really big, I was happy having listened to! Later we went to bed, without really talking with my parents.
I received an email of a very dear friend, telling that he had read the blog and talking to me about what he thinks about guidance, coming directly from the Spirit I guess, beautiful reflection of my mind told me Erik. But I was so touched, without knowing why. after a time, I realized I was touched because I felt naked before him, because I imagined he could see how imperfect I am, going through all those emotions, ... Then I felt how much it's still difficult to be who I am... And I knew it was certainly for that that we are here.. an opportunity for me to practice;-) I started to cry for I was sad to have the opportunity to talk with my parents but not knowing how to do it, and not doing anything at all! I would like so much joining with them in truht of who I am.
After talking with Erik, I felt going down and tell them all what I was feeling. So I did. I told them how much I'd like to join with them but I don't know how, for they are not sharing and understanding the life that I live. My dad was, first, upset, then says nothing anymore, asking me what I still want to say, and that yes he doesn't understand at all my life, and that for him it's not life. Life is not that, being in the beatitude every day!
It was really difficult for me to express my feelings, so I was crying. I told them that I was afraid that if I wasn't talking to them they will thing I don't love them, and it's not true, but talking about the weather doesn't interest me, and that if I talk about what I live, if I am who I am, I am afraid they will reject me because they don't understand. My mother, with her big heart, came next to me to tell me how much they love me and that whatever I can do, they will always love me, even if they don't understand or don't share it, and that she always likes when I am sharing what I am living, and that sometimes she feels that my friends must know more about me than her, them. I felt strongly her desire to join with me and not really knowing how either. we talk a bit about the way we live our life, and what was next, and then my dad asked me too what is next. I talk about the unknowing of the world tour ticket and that we will see. He told me that it's really difficult for him for life is not there at all. For him, life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a bit every day! And my mum said her mother told her that too when she was a little girl. So I was so grateful... for them to be true, and allowing me to see one of the huge belief inside me!!! Keeping me certainly from living happiness, and thinking I don't deserve it too! The joining had an happy ending with hugs and love, and I was so happy to have expressed my fears and desire.
The day after just before waking up I was going through fears and worries because I didn't have any clear guidance about the world tour ticket. And I started to see I was thinking I didn't deserve such a trip, it's not life. I was seeing how one day from another my whole perception of "me", or "my reality" could change in relation to what I am going through, what is the belief on the spot! And now, I am so aware of the piece of toast with shit, that I feel afraid it has become the first one in my mind. As yesterday, I realized deeply how much I am the creator of what I live, by my thoughts, and so I am responsible of everything that is in my life, I started to see that there are many things I was resisted to be in charge of. That I couldn't imagine I could make it is in my life, as for example my marriage with Erik, (and more when I am upset;-)). I was still seeing something outside making it happen or not. Then I told Jesus I want him to be in charge of the day for me. I wanted to think his thoughts, tell his words, I want him to guide my acts, and use my voice to talk. And I lived a so wonderful experience, of deep peace immediately, and was shwown that everything is in me, there is no external power, no external God telling me what to do or not do, there is no external entity or even no internal entity. That's the decision in my mind, all my thoughts, and everything that I am living is in relation with what is deeply in what seems to be "my" mind. So my experience has the color of the love or the fear, and the more I love "me", what is just the projection of my right mind or my wrong mind, the more I recognize Who I am in truth and "my" real value, the more my experience is changing for simple happiness and real Love, for I give less and less power to the identity of Armelle, and more to Jesus or HS to be the guide.
Until that day I had prefered to think there was an outside "entity" or power or authority (thinking more it was inside me, but still not "me") giving me that power or deciding, hanging on if I was listening to her or not, to give me that power. I didn't want to be responsible for all I had lived!! It was too much to think I had all that power, and I had called for all those experiences (even if since years I am aware how much everything had helped me to grow up and be where I am now). The border between being responsible or guilty is so thin, and I felt so much guilty about everything and I was so much judging me. It felt so heavy to be responsible of all what you are living, for the "good" as for the "bad" experiences. For it means that, every time I have the opportunity to make an opportunity of growing and be in the Love, or to be the victim. And I have been the victim so many times!!!!!!!!!!!!! So today, it's a really huge day for me. Waw... huge! I feel so full of gratitude, full of love and full of joy, everything seems suddenly so clear to me. Erik is still sleeping so I go down, I want to share my joy!
My mum is there. We talk a bit. She asks me some questions, and I don't want "Armelle" to answer that, I don't know what to say, so I stay quiet for a time and ask Jesus to put the words in my mouth. I explain as example that it's not because I was raised in the belief that life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a piece every day that I have to keep it and go on my life by experiencing that all the time, proving my belief is true, it can be changed and my experiences too. And as I already did yesterday, I gave that belief to Jesus, for it doesn't serve me anymore. As I am speaking she changes the subject! I think it's too much for her, and immediately comes the thought that I am trying to teach her! I am judging myself, and think maybe I want to feel superior or to see there is someone to heal or to save. So I don't feel good with that, and go to share with Erik what I feel. As I am sharing it, he goes in the same way of thinking than I am. I saw how much he is the pure reflection of my mind, those last days. If I feel certain, he is completely with me. If I am doubtful he reflected it back to me. If I am afraid, he expresses fears, even if I am not expressing it! I feel bad, sad, and a bit guilty too. And in the same time I remember having asked Jesus to speak through me! I am trying to make Erik guilty about something he tells me, and he says it. I take it back and change my mind. In my communication with Jesus this morning he told me the ego would be very vicious today, I have to be very vigilant. So I remember it and let go the upset! I am so aware I feel bad and I want him to "save" me or be the guitly one. I saw how it works so many times these last days! So I know he is right, and it's in my mind!
Later we have a skype call with Jason and Kirsten who had sent us an email to talk with us about guidance and trust. In the call, Kirsten asks me what I think about paying the 400 dollars I was guided to give for the retreat in Canada in August that I couldn't give at that time, for I didn't have any money. And she speaks about integrity. I am compelely ok to give it, for sure. Now I can! But in the same time, I feel there is something in the way. When the call is finished I let this emotion coming, and I feel kind of betrayed, for at that time I told I couldn't come for I had sudden money problem, and they told me to come anyway, my call was so strong. I didn't remember we've talked about the fact I will pay later. So I was feeling "come freely, and now being asked to pay the bill!" Erik told me it has nothing to do with them, and I know it, it's with God. And I really feel betrayed by God. I feel having been "attracted" by receiving everything freely to show me obviously my path, and now he is asking me something in "return", and I feel kind of stuck in that path now. I've tursted him, I've followed the call and now I am there with all that! That's what I feel...
And I just realized that it's me, only me, not God external to me, separated. I know it! But still, I bite to the ego game. For even my relationship with Erik it's difficult for me to feel responsible of having received what I asked for. Sometimes I feel I didn't chose him, he was imposed to me. And I know it's not true at all... but in those "ego crisis" I want him to be so much guilty for me! I want him to be the cause of what I am living. So sometimes I think that if he wasn't in my life everything would be easier. (yes I wouldn't have a daily mirror reflecting my thoughts!!) Again, I can't be the "responsible" of what I feel, so he has to be guilty of something, so I am not in touch with what I am going through, I am outside!
Lunch time we all eat together with my father too, it's very nice, so much laughter! The joining happen, and I could see my parents differently.
Later I hear Erik talking to my mother about the fact that I want to pretend my beliefs are the good ones, but really all that is just beliefs!! I am not with them, but I hear this part of the conversation, and only this! And immediately I feel betrayed again, and start to hate him, so much. the story I make up is "even to my mother he is trying to show I am wrong and he is the good one, the kind one..!" I know everything is the ego, but it's so strong. More than that I start to judge myself being unable to live something else than what I am going through. I have all the power to change and I just feel so powerless facing all what I am going through. I ask Jesus to show me the truth. he does it, but a new story starts immediately. I feel so unable to be happy, so stuck in those old patterns, so guilty, so unworthy even, that I am thinking it would be easier to die than go on with this, I can't do something. I am still here, and it's so painful. I hate Erik more and more, for he even doesn't come to see if I am ok, nor to talk with me. I know I could talk to him, but I can't, and I'd want so much that he would come to talk with me, but it never happens, so the hatrid is "justified" in the ego mind. He doesn't care about me! And in the same time I live the uncomfort of still having all those emotions thinking Erik is still judging me for having them. Finally I feel becoming crazy with all that turning in my mind, right/wrong mind... who is talking, what is true... I scary myself, so after a while I decide to go to the castle and talk with Keith and Christiane, they are the only one available here to whom I can talk trully about what I am going through. I feel also stuck to be to my parents for I think I can't express my emotions. So I take my mother's car and go, without saying anything to anybody!
I burst into tears when I see Keith and he take me in his arms. then I tell everything I see, feel, think, all the hatrid for everybody, all the shame I have for having all those emotions too, and I also feel judged by Erik for having so many emotions, even if he hasn't talk to me!
They just listen to me, silently. I spend the evening there, receiving silently all the love and tenderness from Christiane, and their presence. There are also a lot of emotions going on there! It seems to be an orchestrated "meeting".
Around midnight I decide to go back, I want to be with Erik and share with him. I feel coming back to live at the castle tomorrow, that's the place where I feel it is the most helpfull for now, not knowing anything else.
When I come back, I don't say anything. Erik tells me that he would like to talk to me but he doesn't know how, and that he has some fears. My heart is wide opened at that time, facing his truth in the now, and then he tells me he perceive hostility. At that time, I feel nothing else but love, what I was still keeping one moment before had just vanished miraculously and I propose him to come in my arm. And so we are in the arms of each other. I am so happy of the way I reacted, I don't recognize the angry girl! I feel being the observor, and being guided. I am so happy...
This morning (tuesday), when I get up, my mum talks to me about the way I was the day before, and what she felt. She completely opens her heart about me, our relationship, what she would like to live instead what we are living. It's so beautiful, I am so touched and so happy. She asks me a lot of questions about the way we live our life, what we practice, and I let the Spirit pouring through me. It's so great. She is so happy of that joining, and I am too. I tell her we leave later in the day to go back to the castle for it's there I feel being, but we could meet together for lunch or spend some time later. Hugs, kisses and so much love. I am so grateful about all what she shared, it showed me a lot about my beliefs too. Few time before, I had given the thought that I couldn't express my emotions here with them, and then asked Jesus to be in charge of my day, my thoughts and my words, and my mother was crying so much! See how it's always my beliefs about the other!! As for example that I was afraid to tell her what I was exactly doing and I thought she would be ashamed to share it with her friends, but she told me the opposite! what they think about that is not her problem. So I took this belief back to me;-))
And she told me that often she is inspired by what I share and think she could apply this principles to her life too. So I felt to give her "only one mind" in French and she started to read it. And she told me she thinks it will be really good for her!!!!
And later the joining with my father showed again how he has a big heart too, and want to join, in his way.
My perception has completely changed, I gave the beliefs to Jesus and it come back to me by reflecting it.
So finally we left, I am compeltely at peace, with both of my parents, and feeling so much love and gratitude for all what I lived. It's really always in my mind, I still saw it so much!
With love
Armelle
The lesson is ALWAYS my own.
Erik: Well, I had an amazing experience with Armelle last night that I feel strongly to share, as it was a HUGE undoing for my old belief system. It seems that the Holy Spirit is just taking me deeper down the rabbit-hole than I've ever been comfortable with going before.
As I wrote yesterday, Armelle was seemingly going through a LOT of negative emotions. What seemed worse was that she wasn't sharing them with me verbally, but was (in my perception anyway) just walking around with a very hostile and defensive attitude. It has been a repeating pattern in our relationship, and yesterday's article was a reflection of my desire to find a permanent solution... which I know MUST exist and must exist SOLELY in my own mind. For if I am truly the "dreamer of the dream" as the Course teaches, then this must be MY lesson and not hers. I knew that if I wanted to be truly helpful (to both of us), I needed to really have the EXPERIENCE of seeing that she is not a separate mind outside of my own, but simply an outside picture of my own inner belief system. And that if I'm reacting with ANY loss of peace, it must NOT be because of her, but only because of which belief system I'm giving power to (the ego's or the Holy Spirit's). Only by such a complete reversal of my perception would healing for all be possible.
So after I wrote the blog yesterday, I began to really practice watching my mind and being vigilant for questioning my assumptions. Then last night, it felt like the Holy Spirit gave me what felt like a "Final Exam" for this day of mind-watching. It felt like a BIG and challenging "test" that, if I "passed" it, would serve to strengthen what I'd been practicing all day and be a leap into much deeper peace.
It started when Armelle came back to the house late at night after having left for several hours during the evening. She had left without telling me where she was going, and I felt that she was still VERY upset about something. I had some ideas about what she might be upset about, but I chose to focus NOT on my own ideas about what SHE might be upset about, but rather on looking for the cause of upset in my OWN mind.
Anyway, when she came back late at night, I was in the bedroom doing stuff on the internet, and she got into bed without saying much. She still seemed upset and closed to me. We were both silent for several uncomfortable minutes, and then finally, when I felt that I was feeling relatively at peace, I asked her how her evening was. She gave a quick, "Good" and I interpreted this as her not wanting to talk. After a couple more minutes of silence, she then said in a tone which I felt had a hint of sarcasm to it, "How was YOUR evening? Perhaps you were asking me how my evening was because you wanted to tell me about yours?" Trying to be pleasant, I then told her basically what I had been doing... studying French some more, reading some of David's writings, and meditating a bit. She responded by saying, very sarcastically, something about how she would have "hoped that our relationship was at the level where I might share something a bit deeper about my day and not so "surface-level" but that perhaps she was wrong about me." Ouch.
It felt like a very hostile attack, and I chose not to respond, as it seemed that she was just very upset about something and was LOOKING to find fault in me so that she could have a scapegoat for her anger. For the next several minutes of silence, I felt VERY uncomfortable, because part of me was sorely tempted to try what I 'd tried so many times in the past and failed, which would have been to say something to break the tension like, "So what are you upset about? I'm here for you if you want to talk, you know?". My ego would have me believe that this was the "compassionate" approach, but I realized that if said ANYTHING while still feeling even a TINY degree of discomfort, it would only serve to strengthen the ego in us both.
I also heard Ken Wapnick in my mind saying something I'd heard him say once: "When you TRY to be loving, you are NOT being loving. When you TRY to be kind, you are NOT being kind." He went on to say that it is only the ego that TRIES to be loving, and that when we are aligned with the Holy Spirit, Love just NATURALLY pours through us, and there is no feeling of "trying" at all.
So I began to really switch my focus from being on her and how she seemed to be feeling, to tuning into to how I was really feeling. I began to turn inwardly to the Spirit and ask for help. On the surface, I could see that I was feeling defensive, and that underneath the defensiveness was fear. It seemed to be a fear of "messing up", of being attacked, and of being hated or disliked by Armelle, but underneath it, I realized was the fear of having my "shame" exposed and of being destroyed by God. I knew that all of this guilt and fear was the result of my DESIRE to believe that separation is possible, and yet it felt SO real to me that I didn't feel like I could break through that belief on my own.
So finally, in a state of true humility, I said to Armelle, "I feel like I don't know how to respond or what to say right now. I'm afraid. I perceive hostility, and I'm afraid."
In my perception, what seemed to happen next was that she, still in what seemed like a defensive posture, said, "Are you willing to take full responsibility for what you feel? Are you willing to see that this hostility you perceive is being shown to you only as a reflection of your own mind?" While I could hear my ego screaching, "No, this is YOUR fault!", I knew that wasn't the voice that would bring me peace, and that I truly WAS willing to take responsibility for my own perception. So I said "Yes" while feeling like I was shaking inside.
What happened next, was a miracle. She suddenly seemed to shift into a state of complete openness and love for me. She said "I love you." and I could feel it, and then asked me to come closer so she could hold me. I did, and rested in her arms as she gently stroked my hair as if I was her beloved baby. It was an INCREDIBLY humbling experience for me. At first, I could hear my ego raging inside even more, saying, "What??? YOU are not the one who has all the emotional problems! She is!!! She is the one who's been non-communicative all day, who said all those hurtful things to you, and who is unwilling to take responsibility herself! Why should you be the one to take responsibility and humble yourself to her! Where is HER willingness to be humble?? She's the one that needs healing FAR more than you do!"
And yet, I'd been down that road too many times. I'd listened to that voice telling me those things so many times, and it had never resulted in anything good, and so I was started to learn that it must be lying to me. I didn't want to continue believing the story I'd been telling myself about "Erik and Armelle being these two spiritual people where Erik is the calm and more enlightened one, and Armelle is the more emotional one who has a bit more mind-training to do before she'll catch up with Erik." I am tired of that way of thinking. All it seems to be giving me is a false sense of superiority, and lots of painful experiences.
At that moment of resting in her arms I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was TRULY the only one who was delusional. I opened my mind to the real possibility that all my old perceptions about there being "many people, all at different levels of spiritual enlightenment" was just a huge delusion I'd been living in, and that I, as the dreamer of this insane dream, was the ONLY one who needed help!
As I began to seriously open up to this realization that I, and ONLY I, had been the mistaken one all along... I began to get in touch with a very DEEP terror. It was the terror of waking up once and for all. I saw the possibility of permanent release from the dream of bodies, and it scared the hell out of me! Yet, the glimpse was powerful, and I feel that I'm one step closer to accepting the Atonement - that the separation REALLY never happened and that the world I perceive doesn't exist at all.
This morning I was reading the transcript of one of David's talks on the "Teacher of Teachers" website (http://teacherofteachers.net) and he was talking about how the only problem is the belief that loss is possible. Contemplating the idea that there IS no loss has been a theme for me today, and my state of mind has been feeling much more abstract and peaceful than usual. I'm also seeing that Armelle's state of mind seems to be a barometer for where my own mind is at. When I'm truly resting in the miraculous realization that loss is impossible, I perceive her as my savior. But when I start to slip into the perception of separate bodies, I become afraid and defensive. I fear being disliked by her and then my behavior seems to reinforce this fear by causing me to act in ways that sponsor moments of disharmony between us.
So that's where I'm at today. I'm learning to stay vigilantly aware that the problem is always in my mind, and ONLY in my mind. And then I can accept the Holy Spirit's correction. I still feel afraid, but I also feel VERY hopeful! The walls of false understanding that I built within are beginning to crack more and more, and at last... the Light is beginning to stream in to fill my mind with the experience of God's peace. My deepest prayer is only that my faith will continue to deepen more each day, until the walls have disappeared completely...
All my Love to you always, for you are truly my Savior.
Erik
As I wrote yesterday, Armelle was seemingly going through a LOT of negative emotions. What seemed worse was that she wasn't sharing them with me verbally, but was (in my perception anyway) just walking around with a very hostile and defensive attitude. It has been a repeating pattern in our relationship, and yesterday's article was a reflection of my desire to find a permanent solution... which I know MUST exist and must exist SOLELY in my own mind. For if I am truly the "dreamer of the dream" as the Course teaches, then this must be MY lesson and not hers. I knew that if I wanted to be truly helpful (to both of us), I needed to really have the EXPERIENCE of seeing that she is not a separate mind outside of my own, but simply an outside picture of my own inner belief system. And that if I'm reacting with ANY loss of peace, it must NOT be because of her, but only because of which belief system I'm giving power to (the ego's or the Holy Spirit's). Only by such a complete reversal of my perception would healing for all be possible.
So after I wrote the blog yesterday, I began to really practice watching my mind and being vigilant for questioning my assumptions. Then last night, it felt like the Holy Spirit gave me what felt like a "Final Exam" for this day of mind-watching. It felt like a BIG and challenging "test" that, if I "passed" it, would serve to strengthen what I'd been practicing all day and be a leap into much deeper peace.
It started when Armelle came back to the house late at night after having left for several hours during the evening. She had left without telling me where she was going, and I felt that she was still VERY upset about something. I had some ideas about what she might be upset about, but I chose to focus NOT on my own ideas about what SHE might be upset about, but rather on looking for the cause of upset in my OWN mind.
Anyway, when she came back late at night, I was in the bedroom doing stuff on the internet, and she got into bed without saying much. She still seemed upset and closed to me. We were both silent for several uncomfortable minutes, and then finally, when I felt that I was feeling relatively at peace, I asked her how her evening was. She gave a quick, "Good" and I interpreted this as her not wanting to talk. After a couple more minutes of silence, she then said in a tone which I felt had a hint of sarcasm to it, "How was YOUR evening? Perhaps you were asking me how my evening was because you wanted to tell me about yours?" Trying to be pleasant, I then told her basically what I had been doing... studying French some more, reading some of David's writings, and meditating a bit. She responded by saying, very sarcastically, something about how she would have "hoped that our relationship was at the level where I might share something a bit deeper about my day and not so "surface-level" but that perhaps she was wrong about me." Ouch.
It felt like a very hostile attack, and I chose not to respond, as it seemed that she was just very upset about something and was LOOKING to find fault in me so that she could have a scapegoat for her anger. For the next several minutes of silence, I felt VERY uncomfortable, because part of me was sorely tempted to try what I 'd tried so many times in the past and failed, which would have been to say something to break the tension like, "So what are you upset about? I'm here for you if you want to talk, you know?". My ego would have me believe that this was the "compassionate" approach, but I realized that if said ANYTHING while still feeling even a TINY degree of discomfort, it would only serve to strengthen the ego in us both.
I also heard Ken Wapnick in my mind saying something I'd heard him say once: "When you TRY to be loving, you are NOT being loving. When you TRY to be kind, you are NOT being kind." He went on to say that it is only the ego that TRIES to be loving, and that when we are aligned with the Holy Spirit, Love just NATURALLY pours through us, and there is no feeling of "trying" at all.
So I began to really switch my focus from being on her and how she seemed to be feeling, to tuning into to how I was really feeling. I began to turn inwardly to the Spirit and ask for help. On the surface, I could see that I was feeling defensive, and that underneath the defensiveness was fear. It seemed to be a fear of "messing up", of being attacked, and of being hated or disliked by Armelle, but underneath it, I realized was the fear of having my "shame" exposed and of being destroyed by God. I knew that all of this guilt and fear was the result of my DESIRE to believe that separation is possible, and yet it felt SO real to me that I didn't feel like I could break through that belief on my own.
So finally, in a state of true humility, I said to Armelle, "I feel like I don't know how to respond or what to say right now. I'm afraid. I perceive hostility, and I'm afraid."
In my perception, what seemed to happen next was that she, still in what seemed like a defensive posture, said, "Are you willing to take full responsibility for what you feel? Are you willing to see that this hostility you perceive is being shown to you only as a reflection of your own mind?" While I could hear my ego screaching, "No, this is YOUR fault!", I knew that wasn't the voice that would bring me peace, and that I truly WAS willing to take responsibility for my own perception. So I said "Yes" while feeling like I was shaking inside.
What happened next, was a miracle. She suddenly seemed to shift into a state of complete openness and love for me. She said "I love you." and I could feel it, and then asked me to come closer so she could hold me. I did, and rested in her arms as she gently stroked my hair as if I was her beloved baby. It was an INCREDIBLY humbling experience for me. At first, I could hear my ego raging inside even more, saying, "What??? YOU are not the one who has all the emotional problems! She is!!! She is the one who's been non-communicative all day, who said all those hurtful things to you, and who is unwilling to take responsibility herself! Why should you be the one to take responsibility and humble yourself to her! Where is HER willingness to be humble?? She's the one that needs healing FAR more than you do!"
And yet, I'd been down that road too many times. I'd listened to that voice telling me those things so many times, and it had never resulted in anything good, and so I was started to learn that it must be lying to me. I didn't want to continue believing the story I'd been telling myself about "Erik and Armelle being these two spiritual people where Erik is the calm and more enlightened one, and Armelle is the more emotional one who has a bit more mind-training to do before she'll catch up with Erik." I am tired of that way of thinking. All it seems to be giving me is a false sense of superiority, and lots of painful experiences.
At that moment of resting in her arms I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was TRULY the only one who was delusional. I opened my mind to the real possibility that all my old perceptions about there being "many people, all at different levels of spiritual enlightenment" was just a huge delusion I'd been living in, and that I, as the dreamer of this insane dream, was the ONLY one who needed help!
As I began to seriously open up to this realization that I, and ONLY I, had been the mistaken one all along... I began to get in touch with a very DEEP terror. It was the terror of waking up once and for all. I saw the possibility of permanent release from the dream of bodies, and it scared the hell out of me! Yet, the glimpse was powerful, and I feel that I'm one step closer to accepting the Atonement - that the separation REALLY never happened and that the world I perceive doesn't exist at all.
This morning I was reading the transcript of one of David's talks on the "Teacher of Teachers" website (http://teacherofteachers.net) and he was talking about how the only problem is the belief that loss is possible. Contemplating the idea that there IS no loss has been a theme for me today, and my state of mind has been feeling much more abstract and peaceful than usual. I'm also seeing that Armelle's state of mind seems to be a barometer for where my own mind is at. When I'm truly resting in the miraculous realization that loss is impossible, I perceive her as my savior. But when I start to slip into the perception of separate bodies, I become afraid and defensive. I fear being disliked by her and then my behavior seems to reinforce this fear by causing me to act in ways that sponsor moments of disharmony between us.
So that's where I'm at today. I'm learning to stay vigilantly aware that the problem is always in my mind, and ONLY in my mind. And then I can accept the Holy Spirit's correction. I still feel afraid, but I also feel VERY hopeful! The walls of false understanding that I built within are beginning to crack more and more, and at last... the Light is beginning to stream in to fill my mind with the experience of God's peace. My deepest prayer is only that my faith will continue to deepen more each day, until the walls have disappeared completely...
All my Love to you always, for you are truly my Savior.
Erik
Jan 11, 2010
Forgiveness
Erik: Well, today we are still in Belgium, but at Armelle's parents house in Dinant. I met them a couple weeks ago when we visited for Christmas (or "Noel" as they say here), and we got along wonderfully! And last night we felt it was time to come back here, and leave the comfy castle we had been staying at the prior week and a half. We weren't sure why, but we both felt it was time to leave the castle and to come spend more time with her parents... perhaps simply for the purpose of flushing up any unresolved "parent" issues for releasing.
We arrived last night, and today I've noticed that I'm perceiving Armelle as having a lot of unresolved emotions come up. I perceive fear and confusion in her, and yet I'm being reminded by my inner Guide that it's really MY lesson. If I feel any lack of peace (which I do) and believe that it is because someone "outside" of me is having what I would call "negative" emotions coming up, then it can only be because I am still being tempted to see through the ego's lense.
So today, while she may indeed be having some fear, anger, or other emotions come up, I am having my own uncomfortable emotions come up, and it's a perfect opportunity to trace those emotions back in my own mind, rather than just hoping her emotions will heal quickly.
What it seems to flush up for me is the same feeling I've had in all my past relationships, when it seemed like my partner was becoming emotional, and I would start feeling defensive in reaction to her emotions. My mind always seems to make me feel that if they are upset, it must be about me! Or even if they weren't originally upset because of something having to do with me, my experience has always been that I try to "fix" her emotion, and THEN she gets upset with me.
So now I'm learning to NOT try to "fix" the emotion. Instead I need to remember that the only thing that needs to be "fixed" is my belief that her emotions might be a problem. I still believe that if she is not joyful, then it might result in her making a "bad" decision that would negatively impact us both! And so I'm seeing now that there are lots of false assumptions in my mind that still need to be raised up to the Light and dissolved there... i.e. the belief that "bad" things can happen; the belief that there are "bad" emotions; and ultimately the belief that I am a body in the world in a special relationship with someone "outside" of me who has a separate mind. I see that it is merely these beliefs that are the cause of my discomfort, and when I believe these things, my perception simply calls forth witnesses that seem to "prove" them to me. Thus, I end up perceiving Armelle as having "bad" emotions, I feel justified in feeling uncomfortable, and then anything I try to do or say to her only reinforces the ego in us both!
Whew... I'm feeling better already just putting all that into words! It's SO great to express all these thoughts here and thus share my healing with everyone. It's one thing to acknowledge these things for myself, like in a private journal or something... but there's something so powerful for me about sharing the thoughts for the whole world to read! It seems to strengthen the ideas in my own mind far more powerfully than if I simply kept them for myself.
So that's where I'm at today... processing my discomfort with the help of the Holy Spirit in my mind, and I'm also doing lots of relaxing, spiritual study, and some French study here and there too! My French is definitely improving the more I practice speaking the phrases I DO know as best I can, even if I sometimes feel totally inadequate with the pronunciation! Everyone here is being really great with me in helping me learn! Maybe I'll write another blog post at some point soon about how I've been applying my forgiveness practice... to my French lessons!
Until then, I am in deep gratitude to you Who Are my Self, and Who are a part of my healing! Thanks for listening.
Love,
Erik
We arrived last night, and today I've noticed that I'm perceiving Armelle as having a lot of unresolved emotions come up. I perceive fear and confusion in her, and yet I'm being reminded by my inner Guide that it's really MY lesson. If I feel any lack of peace (which I do) and believe that it is because someone "outside" of me is having what I would call "negative" emotions coming up, then it can only be because I am still being tempted to see through the ego's lense.
So today, while she may indeed be having some fear, anger, or other emotions come up, I am having my own uncomfortable emotions come up, and it's a perfect opportunity to trace those emotions back in my own mind, rather than just hoping her emotions will heal quickly.
What it seems to flush up for me is the same feeling I've had in all my past relationships, when it seemed like my partner was becoming emotional, and I would start feeling defensive in reaction to her emotions. My mind always seems to make me feel that if they are upset, it must be about me! Or even if they weren't originally upset because of something having to do with me, my experience has always been that I try to "fix" her emotion, and THEN she gets upset with me.
So now I'm learning to NOT try to "fix" the emotion. Instead I need to remember that the only thing that needs to be "fixed" is my belief that her emotions might be a problem. I still believe that if she is not joyful, then it might result in her making a "bad" decision that would negatively impact us both! And so I'm seeing now that there are lots of false assumptions in my mind that still need to be raised up to the Light and dissolved there... i.e. the belief that "bad" things can happen; the belief that there are "bad" emotions; and ultimately the belief that I am a body in the world in a special relationship with someone "outside" of me who has a separate mind. I see that it is merely these beliefs that are the cause of my discomfort, and when I believe these things, my perception simply calls forth witnesses that seem to "prove" them to me. Thus, I end up perceiving Armelle as having "bad" emotions, I feel justified in feeling uncomfortable, and then anything I try to do or say to her only reinforces the ego in us both!
Whew... I'm feeling better already just putting all that into words! It's SO great to express all these thoughts here and thus share my healing with everyone. It's one thing to acknowledge these things for myself, like in a private journal or something... but there's something so powerful for me about sharing the thoughts for the whole world to read! It seems to strengthen the ideas in my own mind far more powerfully than if I simply kept them for myself.
So that's where I'm at today... processing my discomfort with the help of the Holy Spirit in my mind, and I'm also doing lots of relaxing, spiritual study, and some French study here and there too! My French is definitely improving the more I practice speaking the phrases I DO know as best I can, even if I sometimes feel totally inadequate with the pronunciation! Everyone here is being really great with me in helping me learn! Maybe I'll write another blog post at some point soon about how I've been applying my forgiveness practice... to my French lessons!
Until then, I am in deep gratitude to you Who Are my Self, and Who are a part of my healing! Thanks for listening.
Love,
Erik
Jan 10, 2010
Learning Deep Trust
Erik: Yesterday I had an experience of surrender that was deeper than anything I'd experienced before. It was a lesson in moving to a deeper level of trust, where the question of whether or not the Guidance coming from Armelle was authentic or not became irrelevant. Instead, I realized that all that was truly important was trusting her and joining with her, by releasing any fears I had about what might happen if she was wrong.
Specifically, she was feeling strong Guidance for us to buy advance plane tickets to several countries that she saw us visiting over the next 6 months. She'd had some visions during meditation of us visiting these countries, and when she originally shared these visions with me, I felt excited as well. But last Friday when she was feeling that it was time for us to actually go online and start doing research to buy the tickets, my fear came up and I began to doubt her. I then began to justify my doubts by pointing out to her how inconsistent she has been emotionally. As a result, I felt separate from her and thus separate from God. She was upset with me and I felt guilty.
Last night though, after a long day of the two of us not talking to each other, she finally came to me with tears in her eyes and asked me to just trust her, even if her guidance was wrong. At first, I felt extremely conflicted, because her guidance seemed to be in opposition to what seemed practical. I told her how conflicted I was feeling, and then a short while later we had a group discussion about it in the kitchen along with Keith and our friend Christiane. During that conversation, I finally came to the realization that it ultimately didn't matter whether her Guidance was right or wrong. I realized that, as the Course teaches, it's really impossible to make a mistake on the level of behavior, but only on the level of perception. What mattered truly in that moment was letting go of my fears and simply trusting her, even if she was "wrong", in order to have the experience of oneness that is the true Goal.
I also began to realize that it didn't matter what my past experience with someone told me about whether they were trust-worthy or not. Trust is ALWAYS justified, because it leads to a state of connectedness and Joy. We are so frightened of making wrong decisions in this world, and yet the only way we can learn that there is nothing to fear is by being defenseless and trusting. For me, it was about giving up all my reasons for not trusting, and simply saying "Yes" to her, surrendering to any possibility that might occur. It was about being willing to "lose" all my money, being willing to possibly end up in the "wrong place", and ultimately about being willing to say "Yes" to what might be an "outrageous" request, simply to practice releasing my fear.
So I surrendered and said "Yes", even though I was afraid! In the moment I surrendered and decided to trust her guidance, my fear vanished! Instead, my state of mind shifted into an incredibly deep level of inner peace like none I'd ever known before. It was almost as if the "fearful Erik personality" wasn't there anymore except as a fading memory, just flickering in and out of awareness. I began to have the experience of knowing that there is only one Mind that we all share, and that we are pure Spirit and nothing else.
Since making that decision to simply trust her and stay connected, I now feel a peaceful sense of fearlessness about whatever outcome might arise. Incidentally, we haven't bought any plane tickets still, but I know now that what's important is only to remain in this state of deep trust. There is nothing to protect. I don't have to protect my money or my body anymore. Peace of mind is the only prize worth protecting.
I'm also seeing that there are no hierarchies in terms of which people are more spiritually advanced or trustworthy than other people. I don't need to think that way anymore. It was helpful for a time perhaps, in order to help me discern between who to trust and who not to trust, but now my Purpose is to see EVERYONE as equally trustworthy. This may seem very impractical from the worldly "common sense" point of view, but from the spiritual view, it is highly practical. I see now that I don't need to be afraid that this perspective will cause me to make irrational decisions, but just the opposite. When we see everyone as trustworthy, we have no fear and we extend only Love. And when we extend only Love, Love is all we receive.
I know that all I truly want in life is to experience myself as pure Spirit with nothing to fear. And to experience this, I must see EVERYONE as pure Spirit, for such they are in truth. I must continue extending perfect trust to all my brothers and sisters, who are my very Self. And in the state of perfect trust, there is perfect peace. It's the only Gift worth having...
Love always,
Erik
Specifically, she was feeling strong Guidance for us to buy advance plane tickets to several countries that she saw us visiting over the next 6 months. She'd had some visions during meditation of us visiting these countries, and when she originally shared these visions with me, I felt excited as well. But last Friday when she was feeling that it was time for us to actually go online and start doing research to buy the tickets, my fear came up and I began to doubt her. I then began to justify my doubts by pointing out to her how inconsistent she has been emotionally. As a result, I felt separate from her and thus separate from God. She was upset with me and I felt guilty.
Last night though, after a long day of the two of us not talking to each other, she finally came to me with tears in her eyes and asked me to just trust her, even if her guidance was wrong. At first, I felt extremely conflicted, because her guidance seemed to be in opposition to what seemed practical. I told her how conflicted I was feeling, and then a short while later we had a group discussion about it in the kitchen along with Keith and our friend Christiane. During that conversation, I finally came to the realization that it ultimately didn't matter whether her Guidance was right or wrong. I realized that, as the Course teaches, it's really impossible to make a mistake on the level of behavior, but only on the level of perception. What mattered truly in that moment was letting go of my fears and simply trusting her, even if she was "wrong", in order to have the experience of oneness that is the true Goal.
I also began to realize that it didn't matter what my past experience with someone told me about whether they were trust-worthy or not. Trust is ALWAYS justified, because it leads to a state of connectedness and Joy. We are so frightened of making wrong decisions in this world, and yet the only way we can learn that there is nothing to fear is by being defenseless and trusting. For me, it was about giving up all my reasons for not trusting, and simply saying "Yes" to her, surrendering to any possibility that might occur. It was about being willing to "lose" all my money, being willing to possibly end up in the "wrong place", and ultimately about being willing to say "Yes" to what might be an "outrageous" request, simply to practice releasing my fear.
So I surrendered and said "Yes", even though I was afraid! In the moment I surrendered and decided to trust her guidance, my fear vanished! Instead, my state of mind shifted into an incredibly deep level of inner peace like none I'd ever known before. It was almost as if the "fearful Erik personality" wasn't there anymore except as a fading memory, just flickering in and out of awareness. I began to have the experience of knowing that there is only one Mind that we all share, and that we are pure Spirit and nothing else.
Since making that decision to simply trust her and stay connected, I now feel a peaceful sense of fearlessness about whatever outcome might arise. Incidentally, we haven't bought any plane tickets still, but I know now that what's important is only to remain in this state of deep trust. There is nothing to protect. I don't have to protect my money or my body anymore. Peace of mind is the only prize worth protecting.
I'm also seeing that there are no hierarchies in terms of which people are more spiritually advanced or trustworthy than other people. I don't need to think that way anymore. It was helpful for a time perhaps, in order to help me discern between who to trust and who not to trust, but now my Purpose is to see EVERYONE as equally trustworthy. This may seem very impractical from the worldly "common sense" point of view, but from the spiritual view, it is highly practical. I see now that I don't need to be afraid that this perspective will cause me to make irrational decisions, but just the opposite. When we see everyone as trustworthy, we have no fear and we extend only Love. And when we extend only Love, Love is all we receive.
I know that all I truly want in life is to experience myself as pure Spirit with nothing to fear. And to experience this, I must see EVERYONE as pure Spirit, for such they are in truth. I must continue extending perfect trust to all my brothers and sisters, who are my very Self. And in the state of perfect trust, there is perfect peace. It's the only Gift worth having...
Love always,
Erik
Guidance and trust
Armelle: Friday morning, I got the guidance to buy a world tour plane ticket, after several times I kept receiving the clear guidance for several places to visit in the next months. It was seeming clearly to be the next step. I was so joyful and inspired to trust fully Jesus, and let go all the fear associated with the unknown or about money. So when Erik got up, I shared that with him. And he had some fears coming. He didn't feel the guidance as I did. He had a lot of fears about money and about the fact of taking a wrong path and loose time. And he was judging that I wasn't humble enough to be willing to be wrong about my guidance. But now, I am at that point where I feel guided by Jesus, with whom I communicate every morning, to trust what I get and feel, and stay in that certainty. I feel important for me to be uncompromising with everything. And so, I couldn't explain to Erik what I felt or why I was feeling it, but it was just so strong, and I felt it so strong. So I didn't feel the need to ask others, who are outside me, if the guidance was right or not, for I felt it so strongly inside! So I told him if it's need was to ask someone he can do it too. He doesn't want to trust because I am going through a lot of emotions and so for him I am not trustable. He can't imagine I can get true guidance!
I felt I was taken it personnaly, and was very touched by the fact of him not trusting me. Later, he received the David's answer telling we wouldn't go anywhere if we don't have any invitation et communication, first. We just finished a deep talk, where the HS was pouring through me and where Erik came to a surrender point. We were about to buy that plane ticket. And so we didn't. I completely surrendered to what David said, telling that we never know what guidance is for. And I found that deep talk and all the day so important. I was really gaining in trust of my feelings and intuition and it felt so right. Later, I realized I was really touched by David's e-mail and it didn't resonate inside. All the guidance I've received about the world tour never talked about receiving invitations to go somewhere or to give gathering or workshop, but about sharing the love, sharing our inspired passions and shining our light, everywhere we will be. So I felt really sad, and I had this impression I've experienced almost all my life... to go too fast, that others weren't ready for what I felt, and that I was kept from following my heart by fears of "others", or "other"'s feeling. But I am learning to trust what I get inside, and only my heart can tell me the truth, and it's so strong, I feel so certain. In my bed, I cried so much. it's so deep. I feel un-understood and un-heard.
Yesterday, I wrote Jesus'words when I got up, and he talked about the fact that the most important thing is continuing shining my light, that it will shine on the darkness. On his way, he had to say words coming from the HS and people weren't understanding or reacting positively, or following him. but it wasn't important! What was important, was for him to say them, and for him to trust what he was receiving, and still see the Truth in his Brother. What was there in the Present Moment was for him, for his path, and that's exactely what he had to trust. And he told me that there are some times you feel or think things with so much certainty that there is no room for doubt. It's the time just to be and shine all the Love that I am. And nothing of what I can possibly do in the world will be more powerfull than the rays of my heart, burning of the Father's Love.
So I let him in charge of the day for me... and followed all what was given to me moment by moment, staying in the Now. I didn't speak to Erik until the end of the day, when I felt ready to see only the Christ in him, and that I was just feeling love for him. I took the whole day to be lead through all that process. Resting, sleeping, meditations, readings...
I've asked, the heart full of love and acceptance of what could come, to Erik to trust me and follow me, that I couldn't explain why I feel that, how it comes to me... there is no logical explanations, but I feel so much the rightness of that. He felt conflicted because, he was a bit willing of trusting me but what David said had much importance than what I could possibly ever say. I told him how much I love him and that I have exactely the same purpose than his, and that's why we are together, and that he knows my devotion to that purpose, and that, he can trust.And I ask him just to say "yes", that was the only thing that matters! But he still wanted to have explanations. So I left the room, telling him that I will love him no matter what happens.
Finally we had that beautiful joining with Keith and Christiane in the kitchen, where the HS was pouring through Keith. I just stayed in that state that everything is perfect, and of pure love, letting Jesus talking for me and staying silent if nothing was coming. I truted so much I am guided all along the way. After asking so much questions and trying to get answers, Erik finally said "YES", and that he will follow and trust me, because it's too painful to resist, and that the only thing that he wants now, is surrendering. I felt my heart opening so wide, and something shifting.
Later I had a skype call with a friend about all that and the guidance topic. It was really interesting, and going exactly in the same sens than Jason's e-mail (one of the messengers of peace to whom Erik wrote his doubts yesterday to see clearer) about guidance, that we received this morning!
What I see now, is how much all that was important for us to go to emotions, resistances, and trust more and more! I had to trust what I received and stay connected even if the "other" doesn't seem to think as I do, or doesn't trust me or follow me, it's just about my lesson, and the joining in the Now, not especially abou the fact that what was guided will happen or not, but really about the process and what is brought up in the Now. And this week for me was really about the fact of being in the Now....
So yeah, I am so happy... whatever seems to happen or not! Everything is always perfect, isn't it???
So that's the story of Erik and Armelle surrendering... For finally I also surrender to what the HS is giving me to experience for weeks... Thanks to everyone, thanks to the Spirit, to Jesus, to our Father to take care like that of us, and loving us so unconditonally...
I felt I was taken it personnaly, and was very touched by the fact of him not trusting me. Later, he received the David's answer telling we wouldn't go anywhere if we don't have any invitation et communication, first. We just finished a deep talk, where the HS was pouring through me and where Erik came to a surrender point. We were about to buy that plane ticket. And so we didn't. I completely surrendered to what David said, telling that we never know what guidance is for. And I found that deep talk and all the day so important. I was really gaining in trust of my feelings and intuition and it felt so right. Later, I realized I was really touched by David's e-mail and it didn't resonate inside. All the guidance I've received about the world tour never talked about receiving invitations to go somewhere or to give gathering or workshop, but about sharing the love, sharing our inspired passions and shining our light, everywhere we will be. So I felt really sad, and I had this impression I've experienced almost all my life... to go too fast, that others weren't ready for what I felt, and that I was kept from following my heart by fears of "others", or "other"'s feeling. But I am learning to trust what I get inside, and only my heart can tell me the truth, and it's so strong, I feel so certain. In my bed, I cried so much. it's so deep. I feel un-understood and un-heard.
Yesterday, I wrote Jesus'words when I got up, and he talked about the fact that the most important thing is continuing shining my light, that it will shine on the darkness. On his way, he had to say words coming from the HS and people weren't understanding or reacting positively, or following him. but it wasn't important! What was important, was for him to say them, and for him to trust what he was receiving, and still see the Truth in his Brother. What was there in the Present Moment was for him, for his path, and that's exactely what he had to trust. And he told me that there are some times you feel or think things with so much certainty that there is no room for doubt. It's the time just to be and shine all the Love that I am. And nothing of what I can possibly do in the world will be more powerfull than the rays of my heart, burning of the Father's Love.
So I let him in charge of the day for me... and followed all what was given to me moment by moment, staying in the Now. I didn't speak to Erik until the end of the day, when I felt ready to see only the Christ in him, and that I was just feeling love for him. I took the whole day to be lead through all that process. Resting, sleeping, meditations, readings...
I've asked, the heart full of love and acceptance of what could come, to Erik to trust me and follow me, that I couldn't explain why I feel that, how it comes to me... there is no logical explanations, but I feel so much the rightness of that. He felt conflicted because, he was a bit willing of trusting me but what David said had much importance than what I could possibly ever say. I told him how much I love him and that I have exactely the same purpose than his, and that's why we are together, and that he knows my devotion to that purpose, and that, he can trust.And I ask him just to say "yes", that was the only thing that matters! But he still wanted to have explanations. So I left the room, telling him that I will love him no matter what happens.
Finally we had that beautiful joining with Keith and Christiane in the kitchen, where the HS was pouring through Keith. I just stayed in that state that everything is perfect, and of pure love, letting Jesus talking for me and staying silent if nothing was coming. I truted so much I am guided all along the way. After asking so much questions and trying to get answers, Erik finally said "YES", and that he will follow and trust me, because it's too painful to resist, and that the only thing that he wants now, is surrendering. I felt my heart opening so wide, and something shifting.
Later I had a skype call with a friend about all that and the guidance topic. It was really interesting, and going exactly in the same sens than Jason's e-mail (one of the messengers of peace to whom Erik wrote his doubts yesterday to see clearer) about guidance, that we received this morning!
What I see now, is how much all that was important for us to go to emotions, resistances, and trust more and more! I had to trust what I received and stay connected even if the "other" doesn't seem to think as I do, or doesn't trust me or follow me, it's just about my lesson, and the joining in the Now, not especially abou the fact that what was guided will happen or not, but really about the process and what is brought up in the Now. And this week for me was really about the fact of being in the Now....
So yeah, I am so happy... whatever seems to happen or not! Everything is always perfect, isn't it???
So that's the story of Erik and Armelle surrendering... For finally I also surrender to what the HS is giving me to experience for weeks... Thanks to everyone, thanks to the Spirit, to Jesus, to our Father to take care like that of us, and loving us so unconditonally...
Jan 7, 2010
Miracles!!!!
Armelle: Today morning, we joined in the living room, Christiane, Keith, Erik and I, to talk about the fact of staying here, and what we all feel guided to do. We were all agree to say how much it's right!!! The guidance is we will all stay here until sunday. Then we'll see.
Philippe, the owner of the place, was coming as we asked him to stay longer.
Christiane asked him how much per day he would ask for the heater, the water... And he say nothing! His only goal is to have a place to welcome people and share, as we did in the workshop last week-end, and so he is really happy to have us here. He says that the place was heated even if we are not there, and for the rest, it's not his goal. he has some people living here and the rents pay the costs, and it's good like that. So all the fear or doubt that one or another could have, just vanished at that time. We just have to shine our light and be, and we can relax!!!
We feel so blessed to be here and live that life, it's so great...
And as yesterday several ask us if they can come and visit us the week-end, Christiane was feeling giving another gathering soon. And this morning before getting up, I received the guidance of having a open day for saturday, inviting friends to come and share. So we opened it to an opened gathering day in the inspiration of the Now, with what the Spirit will inspire us... music, dance, talk, whatever will be there, in the Now!!!!!!
It's incredible! I am so happy......
Following my heart..................... and trust, all is always perfect.
Lots of love
Armelle
Philippe, the owner of the place, was coming as we asked him to stay longer.
Christiane asked him how much per day he would ask for the heater, the water... And he say nothing! His only goal is to have a place to welcome people and share, as we did in the workshop last week-end, and so he is really happy to have us here. He says that the place was heated even if we are not there, and for the rest, it's not his goal. he has some people living here and the rents pay the costs, and it's good like that. So all the fear or doubt that one or another could have, just vanished at that time. We just have to shine our light and be, and we can relax!!!
We feel so blessed to be here and live that life, it's so great...
And as yesterday several ask us if they can come and visit us the week-end, Christiane was feeling giving another gathering soon. And this morning before getting up, I received the guidance of having a open day for saturday, inviting friends to come and share. So we opened it to an opened gathering day in the inspiration of the Now, with what the Spirit will inspire us... music, dance, talk, whatever will be there, in the Now!!!!!!
It's incredible! I am so happy......
Following my heart..................... and trust, all is always perfect.
Lots of love
Armelle
Our second gathering, so much LOOOOOOVE
Armelle: Yesterday evening was our second gathering with Inner Dance, music and teachings. It was incredible. There was so much love that people didn't want to go. we stayed one hour more, singing and sharing all together. I was burning inside.
Yet at the beginning of the afternoon, Erik and I had a disagrement. And I was really sad that it happened again, but felt Erik wanted absolutely to be right, as I was expressing my feelings. Iwas feeling he never wants to take what is coming from me. So I perceived he thought he is right and I am wrong and absolutely want to prove to me it is like that, he knows and I don't know anything.
So I was just processing all that, without talking to him. And when the time of the gathering arrived we hadn't talk yet. I was feeling in the state that I don't know anything and I am completely ok to follow him, and be so humble, that I don't have any attachment to the way things will happen tonight or later on our path. I didn't share it.
At the beginning of the gathering he started to talk and shared what we were going through, telling that he wanted to be right, and that he think that because I am the one going through a lot of emotions I must be the one who is wrong, and so it reinforces his belief that he is right.
After someone has shared what she was living in a divorce, I felt guided to share my experience too, so I did. And again, it was such a gift, for me, and others... Immediately, I felt my heart opening, and started to burn, and the HS started to pour through me. There was so much love, and I could feel the joy in that deep sharing of the practicle application of the principles of the Course. And everything that happened before had vanished in the Love.
That's funny for most of the people that we meet are not in the Course, but so open to practice the mind watching to be at peace, and in the Love.
I expressed how much life is like the Inner Dance, a flowing movement so light and easy when we let be moved, and we just have to learn how to follow what we are guided to do, and let the flow be. and we came in the experience. When I was performing for people to have an idea of how it can look like, the time stopped for me, completely. I think it was the first time I lived that. The song lasted 6 minutes and I had the impression that only ten seconds had passed!! I had no thought at all during that moment. I Was, that's all...
Several persons experienced the fact of feeling carried and moved, and the lightness associated, and sometimes the difference when the mind wants to control again!! It was a really deep session.
Then Erik played some songs, and he was asked several times for another one. It was wonderful.
And Anne-Marie, who was the owner of the place asked us when do we come back again!!!
Still, Belgium seems to call;-)))
Yet at the beginning of the afternoon, Erik and I had a disagrement. And I was really sad that it happened again, but felt Erik wanted absolutely to be right, as I was expressing my feelings. Iwas feeling he never wants to take what is coming from me. So I perceived he thought he is right and I am wrong and absolutely want to prove to me it is like that, he knows and I don't know anything.
So I was just processing all that, without talking to him. And when the time of the gathering arrived we hadn't talk yet. I was feeling in the state that I don't know anything and I am completely ok to follow him, and be so humble, that I don't have any attachment to the way things will happen tonight or later on our path. I didn't share it.
At the beginning of the gathering he started to talk and shared what we were going through, telling that he wanted to be right, and that he think that because I am the one going through a lot of emotions I must be the one who is wrong, and so it reinforces his belief that he is right.
After someone has shared what she was living in a divorce, I felt guided to share my experience too, so I did. And again, it was such a gift, for me, and others... Immediately, I felt my heart opening, and started to burn, and the HS started to pour through me. There was so much love, and I could feel the joy in that deep sharing of the practicle application of the principles of the Course. And everything that happened before had vanished in the Love.
That's funny for most of the people that we meet are not in the Course, but so open to practice the mind watching to be at peace, and in the Love.
I expressed how much life is like the Inner Dance, a flowing movement so light and easy when we let be moved, and we just have to learn how to follow what we are guided to do, and let the flow be. and we came in the experience. When I was performing for people to have an idea of how it can look like, the time stopped for me, completely. I think it was the first time I lived that. The song lasted 6 minutes and I had the impression that only ten seconds had passed!! I had no thought at all during that moment. I Was, that's all...
Several persons experienced the fact of feeling carried and moved, and the lightness associated, and sometimes the difference when the mind wants to control again!! It was a really deep session.
Then Erik played some songs, and he was asked several times for another one. It was wonderful.
And Anne-Marie, who was the owner of the place asked us when do we come back again!!!
Still, Belgium seems to call;-)))
Jan 5, 2010
We gave our first dance and music workshop, in Belgium
Armelle: We gave our first workshop!!! In Belgium, just to start the year...
The workshop was so incredible, there was so much love. I was so touched and so grateful of meeting all those people, I even cried a bit (so much emotion).
And for me a huge healing w-e! Erik had the guidance on Friday that he would lead the week-end and so talk, and that I will follow, and so just translate (just for you to feel how I felt it at the beginning;-))). It was very difficult for me! Indeed, I was used to be so independant, so much guiding my life, by myself, needing anything or anybody, so... following, what a job for me!!!
I saw fisrt that I was releaved, but the ego jumped directly, and took the lead;-)) I let him doing it, actually! And so I perceived Erik was trying to control, he wasn't trusting me at all because I live a lot of emotions and that he absolutely wants to see me as weak, and so the anger started to come up. then it went away.
the morning of the first day, I started to be angry again, without really expressing it in that way but searching for anything he did as an excuse to say something to him, who could so be the guilty one;-)))
we talked just before starting the day and it was much better, I felt at peace again, but not completely to be true... we were 13 the first day!!! very symbolic;-)) and everybody was so happy.
Our friend, Keith, coming from Michigan, who was in Holland since he had left Mallorca too, joined us here. it was so great to welcome him too.
the evening everything that Erik told me, I took it as an attack and as he was trying to control me and using his guidance as a mean to not say what he was really feeling. that day, it was really difficult for me. I told it at the dinner that following was something really huge for me, and that I was going through a lot of opposed emotions. It was ok, and 5 minutes later I could be so angry! So I was just going to those kind of emotional waves... knowing everything was given to me for my healing... but still!!
I finally went alone in my room and start talking to Jesus... ans his answer was so great and so healing. everything became so clear, and I started to let go... I felt so much love
the Sunday morning, Erik shared all his fear with me, about the gathering, and about me too, the fear of being rejected by me because he expresses his guidance, and the fear that because all my emotions, we won't be connected and that the gathering would be a total failure!!!
It made me so much angry! I didn't talk to him. As if his sharing was making the ego so happy!!!!
So before starting the gathering, I read my communication with Jesus again...
Erik started the day by sharing all he was going through with everybody, and it talked so much... and then I did the same, expressing all what I understood of my behavior too.. and Erik told he exactly had the same issue;-)
As I was sharing I felt the space in my heart becoming bigger and bigger, and soon I didn't feel any of those emotions, but only Love, very deep Love and the day became wonderful. I was so touched, with often tears of gratitude in my eyes, and seeing everyone as the perfect Christ...
And the evening, we both received a massage...(mmmh) !!!
I can tell how much the Spirit is taking care of us!!!!
And finally we stayed some days more in that so beautiful castle, all together with Keith and Christiane too, who organized all those perfect days!!!!
We don't know anything about tomorrow, and I really learn to live only in the Present Moment....
The ego is coming back every time that he can, and very viciously for me, it almost seems as if I express it for both of us;-)) but it lasts less and less! And today, I lived a day in the Now, so powerful, and so healing too!!
We are here, in that so great place, where we meet and met so great people, so much in the heart... a learning of every moment, with more and more openeness to not knowing anything, and more humility... that feels really good!! It seems as if Belgium has a lot of healing for us, or certainly for me!! and I am sure it's not the end yet....
With Love
Armelle
The workshop was so incredible, there was so much love. I was so touched and so grateful of meeting all those people, I even cried a bit (so much emotion).
And for me a huge healing w-e! Erik had the guidance on Friday that he would lead the week-end and so talk, and that I will follow, and so just translate (just for you to feel how I felt it at the beginning;-))). It was very difficult for me! Indeed, I was used to be so independant, so much guiding my life, by myself, needing anything or anybody, so... following, what a job for me!!!
I saw fisrt that I was releaved, but the ego jumped directly, and took the lead;-)) I let him doing it, actually! And so I perceived Erik was trying to control, he wasn't trusting me at all because I live a lot of emotions and that he absolutely wants to see me as weak, and so the anger started to come up. then it went away.
the morning of the first day, I started to be angry again, without really expressing it in that way but searching for anything he did as an excuse to say something to him, who could so be the guilty one;-)))
we talked just before starting the day and it was much better, I felt at peace again, but not completely to be true... we were 13 the first day!!! very symbolic;-)) and everybody was so happy.
Our friend, Keith, coming from Michigan, who was in Holland since he had left Mallorca too, joined us here. it was so great to welcome him too.
the evening everything that Erik told me, I took it as an attack and as he was trying to control me and using his guidance as a mean to not say what he was really feeling. that day, it was really difficult for me. I told it at the dinner that following was something really huge for me, and that I was going through a lot of opposed emotions. It was ok, and 5 minutes later I could be so angry! So I was just going to those kind of emotional waves... knowing everything was given to me for my healing... but still!!
I finally went alone in my room and start talking to Jesus... ans his answer was so great and so healing. everything became so clear, and I started to let go... I felt so much love
the Sunday morning, Erik shared all his fear with me, about the gathering, and about me too, the fear of being rejected by me because he expresses his guidance, and the fear that because all my emotions, we won't be connected and that the gathering would be a total failure!!!
It made me so much angry! I didn't talk to him. As if his sharing was making the ego so happy!!!!
So before starting the gathering, I read my communication with Jesus again...
Erik started the day by sharing all he was going through with everybody, and it talked so much... and then I did the same, expressing all what I understood of my behavior too.. and Erik told he exactly had the same issue;-)
As I was sharing I felt the space in my heart becoming bigger and bigger, and soon I didn't feel any of those emotions, but only Love, very deep Love and the day became wonderful. I was so touched, with often tears of gratitude in my eyes, and seeing everyone as the perfect Christ...
And the evening, we both received a massage...(mmmh) !!!
I can tell how much the Spirit is taking care of us!!!!
And finally we stayed some days more in that so beautiful castle, all together with Keith and Christiane too, who organized all those perfect days!!!!
We don't know anything about tomorrow, and I really learn to live only in the Present Moment....
The ego is coming back every time that he can, and very viciously for me, it almost seems as if I express it for both of us;-)) but it lasts less and less! And today, I lived a day in the Now, so powerful, and so healing too!!
We are here, in that so great place, where we meet and met so great people, so much in the heart... a learning of every moment, with more and more openeness to not knowing anything, and more humility... that feels really good!! It seems as if Belgium has a lot of healing for us, or certainly for me!! and I am sure it's not the end yet....
With Love
Armelle
Dec 26, 2009
Erik's Music
In April 2009 when I devoted my life to being a traveling minstrel for God, inspiring songs about my spiritual journey began to pour through me. I've made some home recordings of certain songs, and I share them freely with you here. Under the "Music" section of this blog (you might need to scroll down and look in the side bar), you can download many of the home-recordings that I've done, or that Armelle and I have done together.
Also, some friends have video taped me playing guitar and singing, and have posted those videos on YouTube. Just click here to go to YouTube and type in 'Erik Archbold' or 'Erik Archbald' (my name is often mispelled). I've also embedded some of the YouTube videos below that you can watch now if you like.
Many Blessings to you,
Erik
This first one is definitely the most popular of my original songs, Peace of Mind, which I wrote back in college. This recording was taken at the Miracles Concert in Sweden in September 2010, which featured many musicians that were sharing music based on their spiritual path.
Here's one that Armelle wrote that we'd been working on singing together... unfortunately, the video camera ran out of battery before the song was finished, but you'll get the flavor anyway...
This next song is called "Just Relax"...
"Shine Through"...
And last but not least, here's one taken at the Living Miracles Monastery where I played some music during a spiritual retreat that David Hoffmeister was giving in Oct 2009, just prior to meeting Armelle. This song is called "Rhythm of the Soul"...
Also, some friends have video taped me playing guitar and singing, and have posted those videos on YouTube. Just click here to go to YouTube and type in 'Erik Archbold' or 'Erik Archbald' (my name is often mispelled). I've also embedded some of the YouTube videos below that you can watch now if you like.
Many Blessings to you,
Erik
This first one is definitely the most popular of my original songs, Peace of Mind, which I wrote back in college. This recording was taken at the Miracles Concert in Sweden in September 2010, which featured many musicians that were sharing music based on their spiritual path.
Here's one that Armelle wrote that we'd been working on singing together... unfortunately, the video camera ran out of battery before the song was finished, but you'll get the flavor anyway...
This next song is called "Just Relax"...
"Shine Through"...
And last but not least, here's one taken at the Living Miracles Monastery where I played some music during a spiritual retreat that David Hoffmeister was giving in Oct 2009, just prior to meeting Armelle. This song is called "Rhythm of the Soul"...
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