Erik: The past few days, Armelle and I have been having an absolutely splendid time just sitting around and delving deeply into the Course's teachings. Lots of lounging, meditation, lots of reading, a bit of deep sharing from time to time. Then of course, we still do the basics - sleep, sex, eating, drinking, not necessarily in that order... :-)
For me (and certainly for her as well, but I'll just speak from my own perspective now), my experiences these last few days, as well as for the two weeks prior, have brought about some very deep shifts in my mind. It sorta feels like I've undergone a quantum shift in consciousness, which has resulted in my being FAR less tolerant of mind-wandering and ego-judgments than I was before.
It started a couple weeks ago when we drove to Paris to spend time with some friends, and I noticed that it was actually becoming painful to THINK! It was as if my mind was saying, "Enough already! I'm retiring now... deal with it!"
As a result, I felt almost like I couldn't function normally anymore, but I was beginning to see what a blessing that is! I was deeply wanting only to be still and quiet, and let thoughts from the Spirit float peacefully into my awareness. But nothing else. Anytime I tried thinking with my ego, it started to give me a headache. Thinking about anything involving the past or future, including plans for the weekend like where we were going to eat that night or whatever, the thoughts just felt like heavy burdens that I couldn't bear anymore.
Fortunately, I knew it was a sign that the Holy Spirit was taking over my mind as I had been asking for, and not the early signs of alzheimers or something like that! :-) Also, to my good fortune was that the Spirit had brought me the symbol of a beautiful wife who is very adept at making plans with the Spirit's Guidance, for which I have been EXTREMELY grateful!
Since that weekend in Paris, things have continued deepening in that direction for me, where my mind is gravitating more and more towards perfect Stillness. Every day has been another journey into the mind, uncovering deeply held ego-beliefs that can then be released. And each time a belief is uncovered and seen as false, it's as if my mind has one less source of unnecessary thought to be burdened by. How freeing, and how thrilling this journey is!
The latest insight for me today was in regards to the concept of causation, and why nothing in the dream world has any causative power whatsoever. Intellectually, I'd known that metaphysical fact for several years - that nothing in the world really causes anything else, but I still hadn't understood exactly WHY that is.
Then, just a little while ago, an analogy came to me that I feel inspired to share here. What came to mind was the analogy of a symphony, where certain musical patterns repeat themselves over and over. In a symphony, or in any piece of music for that matter, there are certain melodic patterns that repeat themselves - sometimes in slightly different variations and forms (or played by different instruments), but always keeping within the same basic pattern.
Like, for example, in that famous Mozart symphony everyone has heard that goes Dah Duh Duh Duh da-na NAAA... Da-na Duh Duh Duh da-na NAAA... Da-na Duh Duh-Na Duh Duh Duh da da...
Okay, I'm not surprised if you don't have ANY idea what Mozart symphony I'm referring to, or if you think I'm a little retarded for thinking you'd be able to guess it from what I wrote... but regardless, here's the point:
The whole symphony has melodic patterns to it, which repeat over and over, but none of the notes in the pattern CAUSE the notes that follow. For example, suppose you were listening to that particular symphony with someone who wasn't very bright, and after hearing the song for a while, they suddenly said, "You know, every time that it plays the "da-na" part, the "NAAA" part always comes immediately after! Does the "da-na" part CAUSE the "NAAA" part in the song?"
Now, I realize that it's quite a stretch to imagine someone thinking that (even though we ALL think that way about the "notes" of the world), but that aside, if someone really asked this sincerely, you might answer them something like this:
"Well, no actually, the entire song was written, or CAUSED, by the author of the song, Mozart. His imagination was the CAUSE of all the notes in the song, and the notes are all just EFFECTS. None of the notes actually cause any of the other notes, because they were ALL caused by Mozart."
If you're a Course in Miracles student, then you can probably already see where I'm going with all of this. The entire cosmos of time and space is like a symphonic script that was written in one instant by our ego-identified imagination, and all for the purpose of making the deception of separation from God seem real and permanent. All of the seeming "happenings" (or "notes") of this "symphony" are were EFFECTED by this one decision for separation, but none of these "happenings" are actually the cause of any other "happenings".
For instance, it APPEARS that when you hit your head on something hard, or experience any kind of physical injury, that this CAUSES pain to be experienced. But in actuality, this is not true. Both "happenings" were like the notes written into the symphony to create the appearance of a pattern. This type of pattern repeats itself in the script of time and space so often, over and over and over again, that we become convinced in a "law" that says: physical injury causes pain.
And yet, we've all had the experience of seeing that cause-effect "law" break down. For instance, have you ever discovered an injury some period of time AFTER it must have occurred, and then realized that you were so focused on whatever else you were doing (this often happens to athletes while playing sports) that no pain was registered in awareness at the time of the injury? Obviously the state of consciousness had something to do with it in these examples.
In hypnosis, there have been lots of experiments which effectively show that pain is not a physical process, but a mental process. And therefore, the "law" we all believe in to some degree that physical injury CAUSES pain, must not be a true law.
And likewise, none of the "laws" we believe operate in this world are true laws. None are 100% consistent, and even if they were, it wouldn't make them laws. The patterns in a song can repeat themselves flawlessly over and over, but that never justifies the belief that certain notes CAUSE other notes.
The cause and effect relationships and "laws" we believe in related to this world are all only an APPEARANCE. Every apparent "happening" is really just an EFFECT of the ego's magic show. It's like a movie that was filmed in one instant, and nothing within the movie is the cause of anything else in the movie. The whole thing has only one cause, and that is our erroneous belief in separation. When we cease believing in separation, then we will no longer see the cosmos as anything more than a meaningless tapestry of moving images, kind of like those colorful screen-savers on people's computers. From the enlightened perspective, there are no separate "happenings" at all, but only the awareness of what is true (God) and what is false (perception).
Okay, back to my meditations... :-)
Feb 5, 2010
Feb 3, 2010
31 January
It is time for you to remember the wonderful and immortal being that You Are. This is no time for littleness, no time for victimization. Of what would you be the victim, if nothing that you think of as your world exists? It is impossible. You can only be the victim of your imagination, that part of your mind that wants at all costs that the illusion be real. Don’t get me wrong. For nothing, no nothing, of what you seem to experience in what appears to be your daily life is real. Everything is symbolic. Everything is used with the sole purpose of letting you remember... of Whom You Are. Everything you see on the outside exists only in your mind. It is the projection of what is on the inside. You are entirely responsible for this world that you create from moment to moment, for the experiences that you seem to live, for the perceptions that you have. And the key is to also become aware, above and beyond your responsibility for the outside world, that you, as a person, are not.
You seem to be having all these experiences because you want, at any price, to identify yourself with your body. It is not what You Are in Truth. Non-identification with the doer, the dream figure, by the dreamer is an important part of recognizing your True Nature. The only helpful way to look at is to be aware that this “person” is of no consideration except to bring you back to the Kingdom of Heaven. I do not mean a specific place, but a state of being that is your True Nature. You have never left this state. Time has never existed. It is only useful as an instrument of healing. Space has never existed either. So there is no such place as the Kingdom of Heaven. Everything is inside you. You are the holders of the world, as you are the Holders of Truth.
And now, your Power, your Light needs to be revealed, needs to shine. It has never been extinguished, however you’ve used it. It is always just as strong and brilliant; and goes beyond anything you can imagine seeing in your world.
Your salvation lies in each one of you. I tell you and you will repeat it; recognize Your Brother for Who He Is, and you recognize Who You Are. It is in the way you look at him, in the teacher with whom you want to see him, that your salvation resides. There is only one Truth. He is Innocent. He is the Son of God, the perfect reflection of You, the perfect reflection of Me, of His Father who created him in His image. It cannot be otherwise. Offer salvation to Your brother and thus you will really know yourself. Offer him judgment and you will continue to get lost in the illusion of existence.
There is only one relationship... the Holy Relationship, the relationship with the Father And your relationship with your Brother is always a reflection of that relationship. Everything that is not of this order simply is nothing. All that is sent to you is to remind you still and again to return to that One and Unique relationship, that with your Father. It has, as its Sole Purpose, to enable you to make the choice of this relationship, the holy relationship, see your Brother innocent and so choose your Innocence.
A giant classroom, that's what your world is. A field experiment. Nothing that happens can ever have any consequence in Reality. And everything that seems to be experienced there allows you to get closer to the Truth. Whatever you seem to do, you are and have always been perfect, because your Father Is and He created you in His Image; it cannot be otherwise. There are no stumbles, no error, no sin; He does not know them. He knows only Love and Perfection, because that is what He Is; and therefore, what You Are as well. Love Each Other, my dear Brothers, love as He loves You... He is waiting for You ... Have no fear, fear does not exist... Look at it with me, and it will disappear, because I do not know it!
I love you.
Translated by our Brother Andy... thank you so much...
Lots of Love to Every One
Armelle
You seem to be having all these experiences because you want, at any price, to identify yourself with your body. It is not what You Are in Truth. Non-identification with the doer, the dream figure, by the dreamer is an important part of recognizing your True Nature. The only helpful way to look at is to be aware that this “person” is of no consideration except to bring you back to the Kingdom of Heaven. I do not mean a specific place, but a state of being that is your True Nature. You have never left this state. Time has never existed. It is only useful as an instrument of healing. Space has never existed either. So there is no such place as the Kingdom of Heaven. Everything is inside you. You are the holders of the world, as you are the Holders of Truth.
And now, your Power, your Light needs to be revealed, needs to shine. It has never been extinguished, however you’ve used it. It is always just as strong and brilliant; and goes beyond anything you can imagine seeing in your world.
Your salvation lies in each one of you. I tell you and you will repeat it; recognize Your Brother for Who He Is, and you recognize Who You Are. It is in the way you look at him, in the teacher with whom you want to see him, that your salvation resides. There is only one Truth. He is Innocent. He is the Son of God, the perfect reflection of You, the perfect reflection of Me, of His Father who created him in His image. It cannot be otherwise. Offer salvation to Your brother and thus you will really know yourself. Offer him judgment and you will continue to get lost in the illusion of existence.
There is only one relationship... the Holy Relationship, the relationship with the Father And your relationship with your Brother is always a reflection of that relationship. Everything that is not of this order simply is nothing. All that is sent to you is to remind you still and again to return to that One and Unique relationship, that with your Father. It has, as its Sole Purpose, to enable you to make the choice of this relationship, the holy relationship, see your Brother innocent and so choose your Innocence.
A giant classroom, that's what your world is. A field experiment. Nothing that happens can ever have any consequence in Reality. And everything that seems to be experienced there allows you to get closer to the Truth. Whatever you seem to do, you are and have always been perfect, because your Father Is and He created you in His Image; it cannot be otherwise. There are no stumbles, no error, no sin; He does not know them. He knows only Love and Perfection, because that is what He Is; and therefore, what You Are as well. Love Each Other, my dear Brothers, love as He loves You... He is waiting for You ... Have no fear, fear does not exist... Look at it with me, and it will disappear, because I do not know it!
I love you.
Translated by our Brother Andy... thank you so much...
Lots of Love to Every One
Armelle
Jan 31, 2010
30 January
My beloved sister,
My Heart is filled with Joy and Happiness. These steps of the last few days have been so important, I feel how much trust is growing in you and I am so grateful to you. We are never cured alone, I've said it, and you know it. And what you are doing now, you also do for everyone, because in You rules the world and Unity, as in each one. That the world is not on the outside, because nothing can be outside anything, since only unity exists, is True. Everything in your world is used to help you remember, to lead you back to Who You Really Are. This snow, that moves you so in its purity, its unique and glistening whiteness under the sun’s rays, that it carries you away in its vastness and grandeur to the infinity of landscapes as you gaze, is You. Yes, this snow, this illusion of snow teaches you, speaks to you of Who You Are. Because you always project OUTSIDE what is INSIDE. Your tears of deep humility before this immensity remind you that this Immensity is You, that you're ready to let go of the littleness in which you "hide," thinking you thus "protect" yourself from your Father whom you fear so much. But why fear the Love That You Are? Because You Are One with the Father, being His Son. United together in this moment with your Brothers, You Are this Love, it is your Deserved Inheritance. There is not one who isn’t worthy, since that is what You Are. It can not be otherwise, and to doubt it only delays the time of your Recognition. And that's your choice ...
But now you know, you begin to experience how many and plentiful are the fruits of that Recognition, to believe in your Worthiness, to follow Guidance, to radiate this Light that You Are. You are worthy of it my dear Brothers, and even more than that, because your Father gave you what He Is and waits only for You. Here is His Gift ... His Love, His Peace, His Joy and His Patience. For above all He Loves You. And nothing can change that!
Be uncompromising, because you can’t be on one side and the other, it’s impossible. The illusion cannot be included in Reality. The rules of this game do not correspond to Your Reality. I therefore call you once more, and more than that at every instant. This is your way to the Kingdom, Your Peace and also your Joy. Do not doubt it. Put your doubts aside, because beyond doubt, is confidence ... then take this next step, that doubt keeps you from making... and fully experience the harvest of fruits that Your Father has offered you, Lovingly.
Enter into the Trust and Strength that You Are, and be nourished in the One.
I Am with You, by your side, Eternally Present in the Love that We Are.
I had been guided to ask our friend Andy if he would be ok to translate some french texts I am writing... So here's his first touch... I am so happy, thank you so much Andy
Lots of Love to Every One
Armelle
My Heart is filled with Joy and Happiness. These steps of the last few days have been so important, I feel how much trust is growing in you and I am so grateful to you. We are never cured alone, I've said it, and you know it. And what you are doing now, you also do for everyone, because in You rules the world and Unity, as in each one. That the world is not on the outside, because nothing can be outside anything, since only unity exists, is True. Everything in your world is used to help you remember, to lead you back to Who You Really Are. This snow, that moves you so in its purity, its unique and glistening whiteness under the sun’s rays, that it carries you away in its vastness and grandeur to the infinity of landscapes as you gaze, is You. Yes, this snow, this illusion of snow teaches you, speaks to you of Who You Are. Because you always project OUTSIDE what is INSIDE. Your tears of deep humility before this immensity remind you that this Immensity is You, that you're ready to let go of the littleness in which you "hide," thinking you thus "protect" yourself from your Father whom you fear so much. But why fear the Love That You Are? Because You Are One with the Father, being His Son. United together in this moment with your Brothers, You Are this Love, it is your Deserved Inheritance. There is not one who isn’t worthy, since that is what You Are. It can not be otherwise, and to doubt it only delays the time of your Recognition. And that's your choice ...
But now you know, you begin to experience how many and plentiful are the fruits of that Recognition, to believe in your Worthiness, to follow Guidance, to radiate this Light that You Are. You are worthy of it my dear Brothers, and even more than that, because your Father gave you what He Is and waits only for You. Here is His Gift ... His Love, His Peace, His Joy and His Patience. For above all He Loves You. And nothing can change that!
Be uncompromising, because you can’t be on one side and the other, it’s impossible. The illusion cannot be included in Reality. The rules of this game do not correspond to Your Reality. I therefore call you once more, and more than that at every instant. This is your way to the Kingdom, Your Peace and also your Joy. Do not doubt it. Put your doubts aside, because beyond doubt, is confidence ... then take this next step, that doubt keeps you from making... and fully experience the harvest of fruits that Your Father has offered you, Lovingly.
Enter into the Trust and Strength that You Are, and be nourished in the One.
I Am with You, by your side, Eternally Present in the Love that We Are.
I had been guided to ask our friend Andy if he would be ok to translate some french texts I am writing... So here's his first touch... I am so happy, thank you so much Andy
Lots of Love to Every One
Armelle
Jan 30, 2010
Gatherings, Retreats, Concerts, etc..
The Purpose for our coming together in any form is always the same: to open our minds to the Light of Truth within us which is waiting patiently only for our acceptance. All that is in the way of our experience of the Kingdom of Heaven within is our egoic belief system which tells us that we are separate from God. Yet, this false belief system can be released by joining together with devoted brothers and sisters in a space of non-judgment or true forgiveness, and being willing to authentically expose that which is going on in consciousness. Then, through the power of the Holy Spirit in our minds, healing occurs naturally as our belief in original sin is replaced by our remembrance of Divine Innocence!
In gatherings, retreats, and music concerts that we offer, our intention is always to facilitate this kind of spiritual healing. We do this by authentically sharing ourselves fully without holding anything back, and letting the Spirit speak, sing, and act through us. This often takes the form of us share our experiences of the spiritual journey, sharing our music, facilitating inner-dance (movement meditations), and by answering questions from participants about how to practically live by the Guidance of the Spirit within. The results are always greater clarity, openness, and inner peace.
If you have an interest in hosting a gathering, retreat, or concert with us, please feel free to contact us! Our gatherings can be for any size group, and in any setting. We look forward to connecting with you in the Spirit of Love!
Many Blessings,
Erik and Armelle
707-364-0957
erikarchbold@gmail.com
dancinginthelight1@gmail.com
In gatherings, retreats, and music concerts that we offer, our intention is always to facilitate this kind of spiritual healing. We do this by authentically sharing ourselves fully without holding anything back, and letting the Spirit speak, sing, and act through us. This often takes the form of us share our experiences of the spiritual journey, sharing our music, facilitating inner-dance (movement meditations), and by answering questions from participants about how to practically live by the Guidance of the Spirit within. The results are always greater clarity, openness, and inner peace.
If you have an interest in hosting a gathering, retreat, or concert with us, please feel free to contact us! Our gatherings can be for any size group, and in any setting. We look forward to connecting with you in the Spirit of Love!
Many Blessings,
Erik and Armelle
707-364-0957
erikarchbold@gmail.com
dancinginthelight1@gmail.com
Jan 26, 2010
My communication with Jesus today...
The French version is below ....
You are united today to celebrate. Celebrate the opening, the passage to the Oneness. Your “yes” to the Father has opened a giant door on the Reality. You finally made the choice to stop suffering. you have chosen Life, Love and Light, all that belong to you. For yes, you came to celebrate your Royalty, your Greatness and your Joy. You don’t have to faint to be so little because you fear to disturb, to turn off the light in you for you are fearful of shining. Who do you believe You Are? Who do you believe the Father is? And he is yours, the one of all your Brothers.
Nothing, absolutely nothing from this world will give you what He offers you. He offers you Eternal Life, Immortality, Peace, Joy and Unconditional Love, as this is all what You are. So why do you want to go on to want less than that, to ask so little, to be content with what the world offers you? Why? Because you still want to suffer, and believing in your illusions. But it’s time now. I tell it to you since several weeks of your earthly time, to wake up from those illusions, to choose to end this choice of suffering. You are so much more than that. You can’t go on to deny your True Self. You deny your Reality, the Truth of your being because you still want to suffer. And it’s your choice. But know that you have another one… the one of remembering, to stop to make you less than what you are to match with what your world says. You can’t be happy while you will still play that game, it’s impossible. You can’t be Who You Truly Are, being fully aware of your True Nature, and still play the worldly game. You have to make a choice. And do it with awareness. Either you choose Love, the Truth and so, you experience Love and the Truth, or you choose fear, and believing in the illusions, and playing those worldly rules and you experience things from the world, fear and suffering. It’s impossible to know and live a deep love and peace while you are still choosing to follow your world before everything else
And so, thank you, Sister, to have made that choice today, to have entered that door stayed so wide opened since ever. I was on the porch, waiting for you lovingly, ready to take your hand when you would have chosen it. Thank you for your “yes”. I am happy to guide you a bit farther to more peace and love to which you choose to awaken. Everything has always been there. Nothing has left you. That’s why you are so touched when you recognize it, it’s in you. It is You. You were never lacking anything. You were never deprived from anything. You can’t be dispossessed. For it is Your True Nature. So, what your world is teaching you is false!!!! Don’t fear to stop shining if “someone else” seems to shine too. You can’t be weak for “someone else” seems to be strong. You can’t not being loved anymore because “someone else” seems not to give you attention anymore. You Are, and that’s all. Don’t take part to any of those rules that you know very well and to which you choose to take part again and again. It’s time that all that ends. And the end is closer than what you can imagine. Everything has already happened. And the wonderful, the True has already taken the step on everything else. Shake your hearts, and feel how they are ready, joyful, happy to feel all your Brothers gathered here to celebrate with you the come back to the Oneness, that you never left, and that you have chosen to forget;
I Am, with You, in the One of the Eternity. I Love You, for I Love Me and I Am You.
Amen.
26 janvier
Vous êtes réunis aujourd’hui pour célébrer. Célébrer l’ouverture, le passage à l’unité. Ton « oui » à Ton Père a ouvert une porte géante sur la Réalité. Tu as enfin fait le choix de cesser de souffrir, tu as choisis la vie, l’Amour et la Lumière et tout cela est à Toi. Car oui, tu es venu pour célébrer ta Royauté, ta Grandeur et ta Joie. Il n’est point utile de te faire toute petite par peur de déranger, de t’éteindre par peur de briller. Qui crois-tu que Tu Es ? Qui penses-tu être Le Père, le Tien, celui des Tes Frères. Rien, non rien dans ce monde ne vous donnera ce qu’Il vous offre. Il vous offre la Vie Eternelle, l’Immortalité, La Joie, La Paix et L’Amour Inconditionnel, puisque c’est tout ce que Vous Êtes. Alors pourquoi continuer à vouloir moins que ça, à demander si peu, à vous contenter de ce que votre monde vous offre ? Pourquoi ? Parce que vous voulez continuer à souffrir, et croire en vos illusions. Mais il est temps, je te le dis depuis plusieurs semaines de votre temps terrestre maintenant de vous réveiller de ces illusions, d’en finir avec ce choix de souffrance. Vous êtes tellement plus que cela. Vous ne pouvez continuer à vous nier Votre Propre Moi. Vous niez en permanence votre Réalité, La Vérité de votre Être parce que vous voulez continuer à souffrir. Et c’est votre choix ! Mais sachez que vous en avez un autre… celui de vous souvenir, de cesser de vous amoindrir pour correspondre à ce que votre monde vous dit ; vous ne pourrez être heureux tant que vous jouerez ce jeu, c’est impossible. Vous ne pouvez Être Qui Vous Êtes Réellement, être conscient de Votre Vraie Nature, et en même temps jouer le jeu du monde. Vous devez faire un choix. Et faites le en conscience. Ou vous choisissez l’Amour, la Vérité, et vous expérimentez l’Amour et la Vérité, ou vous choisissez la peur et de croire en l’illusion et de jouer selon les règles de votre monde et vous expérimentez les choses de votre monde, la peur et la souffrance. Il est impossible que vous viviez une paix et un amour profond tant que vous choisirez votre monde avant tout autre chose.
Alors merci chère Sœur d’avoir fait ce choix aujourd’hui, d’avoir pris cette porte restée si grande ouverte depuis toujours, j’étais sur le pas et t’attendais, amoureusement, près à te prendre la main quand tu le choisirais. Merci pour ton « oui », je suis heureux aujourd’hui de pouvoir te guider encore un peu plus loin vers tant de paix et d’amour auxquels tu décides de t’éveiller. Tout a toujours été là, rien ne vous a jamais quitté, c’est pourquoi vous êtes tant touché quand vous le reconnaissez, c’est en vous, c’est Vous ! Vous n’avez jamais manqué, n’avez jamais été privé, ne pouvez être dépossédé, car c’est Votre Vraie Nature. Par conséquent, tout ce que votre monde vous enseigne est faux !!!! Vous ne craignez pas de cesser de rayonner si « quelqu’un d’autre » rayonne aussi, vous ne pouvez être faible parce que « quelqu’un d’autre » semble fort, vous ne pouvez cesser d’être aimé parce que « quelqu’un d’autre » semble ne plus vous regarder. Vous Êtes, tout simplement et ne participez à aucune de ces règles que pourtant vous connaissez si bien et auxquelles vous choisissez de participer encore et encore. Il est temps que tout cela se termine, et la fin approche bien plus vite que vous ne l’imaginez. Tout s’est déjà passé, et le merveilleux, le Vrai a déjà pris le pas sur tout le reste, sur l’illusion. Secouez vos cœurs et sentez comme ils sont prêts, joyeux, heureux de sentir tous Vos Frères ici rassemblés pour célébrer avec Vous le retour à L’Unité, que vous n’avez jamais quittée, et que vous aviez choisi d’oublier.
Je Suis, avec Vous, dans le Un de l’Eternité. Je Vous aime, parce que Je M’aime, et que Je Suis Vous.
Amen
Lots of Love and Gratitude for every One
Armelle
You are united today to celebrate. Celebrate the opening, the passage to the Oneness. Your “yes” to the Father has opened a giant door on the Reality. You finally made the choice to stop suffering. you have chosen Life, Love and Light, all that belong to you. For yes, you came to celebrate your Royalty, your Greatness and your Joy. You don’t have to faint to be so little because you fear to disturb, to turn off the light in you for you are fearful of shining. Who do you believe You Are? Who do you believe the Father is? And he is yours, the one of all your Brothers.
Nothing, absolutely nothing from this world will give you what He offers you. He offers you Eternal Life, Immortality, Peace, Joy and Unconditional Love, as this is all what You are. So why do you want to go on to want less than that, to ask so little, to be content with what the world offers you? Why? Because you still want to suffer, and believing in your illusions. But it’s time now. I tell it to you since several weeks of your earthly time, to wake up from those illusions, to choose to end this choice of suffering. You are so much more than that. You can’t go on to deny your True Self. You deny your Reality, the Truth of your being because you still want to suffer. And it’s your choice. But know that you have another one… the one of remembering, to stop to make you less than what you are to match with what your world says. You can’t be happy while you will still play that game, it’s impossible. You can’t be Who You Truly Are, being fully aware of your True Nature, and still play the worldly game. You have to make a choice. And do it with awareness. Either you choose Love, the Truth and so, you experience Love and the Truth, or you choose fear, and believing in the illusions, and playing those worldly rules and you experience things from the world, fear and suffering. It’s impossible to know and live a deep love and peace while you are still choosing to follow your world before everything else
And so, thank you, Sister, to have made that choice today, to have entered that door stayed so wide opened since ever. I was on the porch, waiting for you lovingly, ready to take your hand when you would have chosen it. Thank you for your “yes”. I am happy to guide you a bit farther to more peace and love to which you choose to awaken. Everything has always been there. Nothing has left you. That’s why you are so touched when you recognize it, it’s in you. It is You. You were never lacking anything. You were never deprived from anything. You can’t be dispossessed. For it is Your True Nature. So, what your world is teaching you is false!!!! Don’t fear to stop shining if “someone else” seems to shine too. You can’t be weak for “someone else” seems to be strong. You can’t not being loved anymore because “someone else” seems not to give you attention anymore. You Are, and that’s all. Don’t take part to any of those rules that you know very well and to which you choose to take part again and again. It’s time that all that ends. And the end is closer than what you can imagine. Everything has already happened. And the wonderful, the True has already taken the step on everything else. Shake your hearts, and feel how they are ready, joyful, happy to feel all your Brothers gathered here to celebrate with you the come back to the Oneness, that you never left, and that you have chosen to forget;
I Am, with You, in the One of the Eternity. I Love You, for I Love Me and I Am You.
Amen.
26 janvier
Vous êtes réunis aujourd’hui pour célébrer. Célébrer l’ouverture, le passage à l’unité. Ton « oui » à Ton Père a ouvert une porte géante sur la Réalité. Tu as enfin fait le choix de cesser de souffrir, tu as choisis la vie, l’Amour et la Lumière et tout cela est à Toi. Car oui, tu es venu pour célébrer ta Royauté, ta Grandeur et ta Joie. Il n’est point utile de te faire toute petite par peur de déranger, de t’éteindre par peur de briller. Qui crois-tu que Tu Es ? Qui penses-tu être Le Père, le Tien, celui des Tes Frères. Rien, non rien dans ce monde ne vous donnera ce qu’Il vous offre. Il vous offre la Vie Eternelle, l’Immortalité, La Joie, La Paix et L’Amour Inconditionnel, puisque c’est tout ce que Vous Êtes. Alors pourquoi continuer à vouloir moins que ça, à demander si peu, à vous contenter de ce que votre monde vous offre ? Pourquoi ? Parce que vous voulez continuer à souffrir, et croire en vos illusions. Mais il est temps, je te le dis depuis plusieurs semaines de votre temps terrestre maintenant de vous réveiller de ces illusions, d’en finir avec ce choix de souffrance. Vous êtes tellement plus que cela. Vous ne pouvez continuer à vous nier Votre Propre Moi. Vous niez en permanence votre Réalité, La Vérité de votre Être parce que vous voulez continuer à souffrir. Et c’est votre choix ! Mais sachez que vous en avez un autre… celui de vous souvenir, de cesser de vous amoindrir pour correspondre à ce que votre monde vous dit ; vous ne pourrez être heureux tant que vous jouerez ce jeu, c’est impossible. Vous ne pouvez Être Qui Vous Êtes Réellement, être conscient de Votre Vraie Nature, et en même temps jouer le jeu du monde. Vous devez faire un choix. Et faites le en conscience. Ou vous choisissez l’Amour, la Vérité, et vous expérimentez l’Amour et la Vérité, ou vous choisissez la peur et de croire en l’illusion et de jouer selon les règles de votre monde et vous expérimentez les choses de votre monde, la peur et la souffrance. Il est impossible que vous viviez une paix et un amour profond tant que vous choisirez votre monde avant tout autre chose.
Alors merci chère Sœur d’avoir fait ce choix aujourd’hui, d’avoir pris cette porte restée si grande ouverte depuis toujours, j’étais sur le pas et t’attendais, amoureusement, près à te prendre la main quand tu le choisirais. Merci pour ton « oui », je suis heureux aujourd’hui de pouvoir te guider encore un peu plus loin vers tant de paix et d’amour auxquels tu décides de t’éveiller. Tout a toujours été là, rien ne vous a jamais quitté, c’est pourquoi vous êtes tant touché quand vous le reconnaissez, c’est en vous, c’est Vous ! Vous n’avez jamais manqué, n’avez jamais été privé, ne pouvez être dépossédé, car c’est Votre Vraie Nature. Par conséquent, tout ce que votre monde vous enseigne est faux !!!! Vous ne craignez pas de cesser de rayonner si « quelqu’un d’autre » rayonne aussi, vous ne pouvez être faible parce que « quelqu’un d’autre » semble fort, vous ne pouvez cesser d’être aimé parce que « quelqu’un d’autre » semble ne plus vous regarder. Vous Êtes, tout simplement et ne participez à aucune de ces règles que pourtant vous connaissez si bien et auxquelles vous choisissez de participer encore et encore. Il est temps que tout cela se termine, et la fin approche bien plus vite que vous ne l’imaginez. Tout s’est déjà passé, et le merveilleux, le Vrai a déjà pris le pas sur tout le reste, sur l’illusion. Secouez vos cœurs et sentez comme ils sont prêts, joyeux, heureux de sentir tous Vos Frères ici rassemblés pour célébrer avec Vous le retour à L’Unité, que vous n’avez jamais quittée, et que vous aviez choisi d’oublier.
Je Suis, avec Vous, dans le Un de l’Eternité. Je Vous aime, parce que Je M’aime, et que Je Suis Vous.
Amen
Lots of Love and Gratitude for every One
Armelle
Jan 23, 2010
My deep commitment to God's plan.....
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
It's now several days that I really want to share and join with you in what I am now.... So today I take the time!
For most of you, you know how it has been a hard time for me at the end of Mallorca, and the days after. I spent a really great time and a lot of healing have taken place during those last weeks now, and I think I reached a high point on tuesday, where I finally completely surrendered, and went still deeper until today. That day, I lived so many healing episodes in once; and it felt so "easy" to go through and then go out, and it started again and went deeper and deeper.
I've made really big step since I am in Belgium... I've stopped my activity of being "independent", where I was known as therapist, it was very symbolic! I've cleared my situation with the unemployement office, and it was a miracle, and made the step to say to the city office I was married, what wasn't done yet. I talked a lot to my parents and our relationship is so great, I can be who I am, I am not afraid anymore, and I did it with my friends too. All that is really freeing for me, and I can feel how I am completely at peace with all what I am in now, and it even changed a lot in my relationship with Erik. Two weeks ago I was guided to go on paltalk, and there was a satsang, a communication with the Spirit, happening that day. I didn't know what it was and so I said it was really great for I'll discover it, as I felt guided, without knowing it was for one person! So the guy asked me what was the belief or the situation that I wanted to give to the Spirit. And I talk about all the anger and the violence I could live and that I don't recognize me in that. And since that day and the week after when I listened to the recording again, so many things have shifted. I integrated completely the fact that I was responsible of everything, absolutely everything that I seem to live. And my mind shifted completely since that day. I was projecting so much before, and now it feels so good to take this back and feel that I am not powerless. I've seen that everything in my life, I've asked for, and so all my perceptions have changed about that. I am not the victim of all that anymore!!!!
I've kept some distance from you all those last weeks, not knowing really why, but I felt kind of something dangerous for me... I could intellectually know it was coming from the ego, but nothing was clear for me, nor integrated. And since tuesday with all those healings and deep recognition, I live miracles every day, and we had a very deep discussion with Erik about where I am now, what happens and what choice I have. I am not still clear on everything, but what I know for sure is that the only thing that I want is serve God's purpose, no matter what it takes, wathever He want me to do or wherever to go. I don't want to have any investment in directing the seeming life of Armelle. I can see a lot of ego tricks, and it's so painful to see that I am sometimes still in it. I don't want that anymore. I want to tell you all, as witnesses of my choice, of my decision, how much I feel devoted to that purpose, and nothing else than that could interest me now. I give everything to God that can still block it, and I offer all what seems to be part of Armelle to serve that purpose. I am so happy for all what I shared with you, all what you offered me, and how you showed me the way by following yours. Now it's time for me to take my step and commit deeply too. And this email is my commitment. I would be happy to be or to come wherever you feel it can be helpfull, and have all the feedback that you feel guided to share to help my way. I thank you all so much, Jason, Kirsten, Helena, David, Lisa, Jenny, Leila, Suzanne, Thomas and Sarah... I love you! And Erik for sure, too....................
I also want to say to Jason to watch the movie "Twilight", it's so goooooooooood.
And lately those last days, Erik talking a bit french, I can feel something deep coming from that for me. it's like speaking in english, the "you", feels totally impersonal for me, I am not used to. And so when he says something in french using the "tu" I feel all the body reacting, and sometimes even tears in my eyes... another step!!!!!
Lots of love to every One
Armelle
It's now several days that I really want to share and join with you in what I am now.... So today I take the time!
For most of you, you know how it has been a hard time for me at the end of Mallorca, and the days after. I spent a really great time and a lot of healing have taken place during those last weeks now, and I think I reached a high point on tuesday, where I finally completely surrendered, and went still deeper until today. That day, I lived so many healing episodes in once; and it felt so "easy" to go through and then go out, and it started again and went deeper and deeper.
I've made really big step since I am in Belgium... I've stopped my activity of being "independent", where I was known as therapist, it was very symbolic! I've cleared my situation with the unemployement office, and it was a miracle, and made the step to say to the city office I was married, what wasn't done yet. I talked a lot to my parents and our relationship is so great, I can be who I am, I am not afraid anymore, and I did it with my friends too. All that is really freeing for me, and I can feel how I am completely at peace with all what I am in now, and it even changed a lot in my relationship with Erik. Two weeks ago I was guided to go on paltalk, and there was a satsang, a communication with the Spirit, happening that day. I didn't know what it was and so I said it was really great for I'll discover it, as I felt guided, without knowing it was for one person! So the guy asked me what was the belief or the situation that I wanted to give to the Spirit. And I talk about all the anger and the violence I could live and that I don't recognize me in that. And since that day and the week after when I listened to the recording again, so many things have shifted. I integrated completely the fact that I was responsible of everything, absolutely everything that I seem to live. And my mind shifted completely since that day. I was projecting so much before, and now it feels so good to take this back and feel that I am not powerless. I've seen that everything in my life, I've asked for, and so all my perceptions have changed about that. I am not the victim of all that anymore!!!!
I've kept some distance from you all those last weeks, not knowing really why, but I felt kind of something dangerous for me... I could intellectually know it was coming from the ego, but nothing was clear for me, nor integrated. And since tuesday with all those healings and deep recognition, I live miracles every day, and we had a very deep discussion with Erik about where I am now, what happens and what choice I have. I am not still clear on everything, but what I know for sure is that the only thing that I want is serve God's purpose, no matter what it takes, wathever He want me to do or wherever to go. I don't want to have any investment in directing the seeming life of Armelle. I can see a lot of ego tricks, and it's so painful to see that I am sometimes still in it. I don't want that anymore. I want to tell you all, as witnesses of my choice, of my decision, how much I feel devoted to that purpose, and nothing else than that could interest me now. I give everything to God that can still block it, and I offer all what seems to be part of Armelle to serve that purpose. I am so happy for all what I shared with you, all what you offered me, and how you showed me the way by following yours. Now it's time for me to take my step and commit deeply too. And this email is my commitment. I would be happy to be or to come wherever you feel it can be helpfull, and have all the feedback that you feel guided to share to help my way. I thank you all so much, Jason, Kirsten, Helena, David, Lisa, Jenny, Leila, Suzanne, Thomas and Sarah... I love you! And Erik for sure, too....................
I also want to say to Jason to watch the movie "Twilight", it's so goooooooooood.
And lately those last days, Erik talking a bit french, I can feel something deep coming from that for me. it's like speaking in english, the "you", feels totally impersonal for me, I am not used to. And so when he says something in french using the "tu" I feel all the body reacting, and sometimes even tears in my eyes... another step!!!!!
Lots of love to every One
Armelle
Jan 22, 2010
A huge shift day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
20 janvier
Yesterday was a so important day, a huge shift day!
First, I got up at 5.40 to go to Brussels with Erik. After the call of Kirsten and Jason talking about integrity, some days ago, one evening Keith was talking about his material and tax stuff, and I felt strongly the call to be completely clear and clean with my situation here in Belgium. I didn’t say yet to the unemployment office nor to the city office that I was married, for I was afraid of a change and that suddenly I won’t get any money from that at all. And as the time passed it seemed more difficult to do it, as if I had tried to protect something, and that I will be punished for that! The guidance was clear for me, and I felt really freed just at the idea of doing it, and very confident in whatever could come from that, knowing that everything is always perfect and that I do not know my own best interest!
So, this morning was the day! On the way to go there was some traffic jam, and I said to Erik “it’s incredible that those people are doing it every day…” He answered me something as “no they aren’t!” And at that time I had the insight, that they were existing, here and now, today, for me, for I had created it. But when there is nobody to see it or being the witness, they don’t exist. They, as we, just exist because there seems to be “others” to see us… During the drive, we didn’t speak a lot, and I was just in a meditation state, talking to Jesus silently and he was whispering me sweet words back. That was really funny, and so good too. When we arrived at the office, I heard that I don’t have to tell everything to everybody all the time. It doesn’t have to be in the form. I just have to give everything to the Spirit, that’s what is important. That’s talking about no private thoughts, keeping nothing from Him. In the office, I was waiting in the line and practicing a prayer of the Course (ch.15,XI.10, at the end of the section) and including every person present here. And the Spirit told me that what I am doing here has nothing to do with the form. For the form doesn’t even have to change. What is important is just the step that I am making. And at that moment, I felt everything was already done, and ok. So when I talked to the person, I let the Spirit talk for me, and tell what he felt was important, knowing that I don’t know my own best interest, but He knows it, and that’s the only thing that I have to do… letting Him take the command, and stepping back. So I did. And I was so amazed… The same question was asked in three different ways for me to hear three times the answer telling that I don’t have to do anything, for everything is perfectly ok as it is now. My situation hasn’t really changed and so all is ok. I went out and felt to go to the city office still, just to be sure everything was completely ok and clear, and for me to be clear with everything here in Belgium, and not being as if I wasn’t married… And I know what it meant for me. I’ve always wanted to seem being the girl that nobody will catch, and who will always be “free”. But I was so afraid of being “dependent” of “someone” that I became completely dependent of my independence! So this step was definitely important. And so I ended up by going to the city office to tell that I am married and ask what I have to do. As I was waiting in the line, I opened the Course on a perfect page (chap 22.V). Then I felt that I didn’t have to do all what they ask, just going there and telling it was enough. I could see the ego trying to grasp on something and telling me that I have to do more, that it’s not enough, and also trying to scare me with the future. Erik helped me to see that clearly and I released it. Waw, big!
On the way back, I could see I was trying people please Erik, as I think I am still doing sometimes. But now it becomes more and more painful to do that, for I am more and more aware I am doing it. It was as if I just wanted to listen to his desire, or fear or doubt most of time, and not trust what I feel. I had told him before that when we will go to Brussels we will go to a French fries cabine, to make him taste Belgian fries! So even if it was 8.30 in the morning, he wanted it! I felt going back directly to the castle as we haven’t anything to do in Brussels, but I say “yes” we will go and see, even if I knew intuitively that it would be closed at that time. So we went there, and it was closed. But I felt that if I could call Christiane and ask here when they were living for her to have her car back and ask her if we can stay here until 11am, Erik could taste it. So I drove thinking going somewhere, and I arrived somewhere else, on the way to take the highway. I still felt it was where we were supposed to go. But I saw a shop where I could by a card to call, so I decided to go, instead of following what I felt. And I’ve almost been hit by a bike when I was crossing the road. I came back in the car. I felt so sad, seeing what I was still doing. Erik told me he didn’t feel I have to call Christiane and that I was trying to people please her! And I say that the only on that I was trying to people please again, was him, and that it was enough for me, I was feeling so sad, not being able to stay in that certainty of what I feel guided to do. And I told him it was the same that with going to Bali and the discussion we had yesterday night. On the way back, he slept, and I stay silent, in prayer about that.
When we arrived, they were preparing all their stuff to go. We went to the living room and turned on our computers. I started paltalk for the lesson of the day, and Erik sat in the coach to meditate. Then I read the course chap 16.IV.6.7.8. great! We didn’t talk since we left Brussels. Christiane came to tell what is their planning for today, and then asked me how we are. I tell her the beginning of my day, really great for me, and then the realization that I am still people pleasing Erik. And him, I don’t know for he didn’t talk since Brussels. We started a group discussion, and I don’t know how, I finally start to feel really angry about “a meaningless conversation”, telling that asking those kind of questions doesn’t have any purpose except running away from what it’s happening now! And Christiane asks me what I live now, what happens for me now!! I can’t really answer… I feel so much rage. I don’t dare telling it. So I take the time. And I ask the Spirit to put the words in my mouth and to speak through me. I have a lot of things in my mind, and what comes from my mouth is absolutely not that! I start by saying that I am taking the full responsibility of all what I will share, and that I am sharing all that for the only purpose of healing, for I am fed up of fighting, (I start crying) and the only thing that I really want is being happy. I share all my stuff, it was about not listening to what I feel and wanting to please Erik a lot yet, I also felt having Erik by my side not talking and sharing as I wanted him to do, was for me like having a dead person by my side, and it was making me face the death of a part of me, and it was really uncomfortable. And I felt how much it was difficult for me to go past all that, and that it would be easier to die! At that moment I got the vision of being a foetus in my mother’s uterus and having a dead foetus, black and sticky, on me, and I am so afraid. I cried so much. They are all very present. It doesn’t last long, and once everything is gone, I immediately feel the relief. I put my head on Keith’s shoulder, eyes closed letting the integration happening… I have a vision of a little girl in India with a ring in the nose and a chain going to the ear. She is dancing and turning on herself, laughing so freely. She is so shinning. Then I see the face of Caroline, a friend, and I feel as if we were friend in that life, playing together. Keith put some music. It’s Indian music! Then he brings some coffee for everybody, and Erik is giving me a feet massage during that time. And a very deep emotion comes up, again. I feel how much I am loved, and I heard in my mind a sentence that the father of my son had told me when I’ve left him 9 years ago “you will never be loved again as I was loving you…” and I feel “yes I am, I am so loved. It wasn’t true!!!” I seem to have believed so much in that, or having made every relationship agreeing with that! I cried so much. And once it’s done, it stops by itself, and I feel that it’s ok, healed! Waw, that’s miracle!
Later, we were talking about going to the movie theater. Erik wasn’t really feeling it. I was really tired by all those emotions. Christiane felt it strongly and Keith said that if it was for us to still be in that mood, he didn’t feel pulling those kinds of “heavy rocks” with him. I felt there was still something inside without knowing really what… One moment I started to cry again and expressing all what was still there, as for example that Christiane and another friend here were bothering me by their laughing and expressions of joy, that I felt were off, and not completely true. And other things but I forgot what… Then I jumped on the coach, lay down as a baby and cried again and again. And one moment, the Spirit told me “it’s ok? You are done now? You’ve finished your cinema? Everybody is around you. You have got what you wanted!!” And it stopped me directly. Then I felt that I didn’t want to have people happy around me for it would have made me face my unhappiness, or I would have felt obligated to be happy, and I didn’t want to be happy, for I didn’t deserve it!! So I realized that people around me weren’t unhappy, but I wanted to see them like that or with problem for it was keeping the identity of Armelle alive, playing between the savior and the victim of those so unhappy people!! But there weren’t any unhappy people except in my mind, where I wanted to be unhappy yet and have reason to complain again, and keep this game running… It was really huge for me to realize that! What a shift in my perception of all my closest.
I feel very tired and Erik told me it’s because I am still resisting, I don’t want to let go, I want to grasp on the fact of only trusting myself, or almost. I can see how he can be right, but in the same time it doesn’t seem completely right. So he talk about relying on the group if we don’t think the same and he told me how he found more humility in him, and what it brought him. We made an agreement for those further cases, and it feels good. Then he told me where I seem to be now… at that point where I have a choice to make and everything is ok, but I can stop suffering if I just surrender. He talks about how he sees I am trying to stay far from the Messengers and David, and that it’s like having a family on which you can count. I think I am really aware of what he is saying. I can see the ego still trying to find a way out, but I can’t go on like this, I am so tired and fed up of playing that game. So finally I told him he is right, and that I want to trust him. And maybe the guidance to go to Bali wasn’t right, and that I don’t want to be attached to that anymore, I don’t want to be right anymore, I just want to be happy, and I don’t know what is my best interest, so I am ok for all what he feel…
I had a huge headache, which ends in one minute after that!!!! And I don’t feel any tiredness anymore. That’s so great…
Finally as we didn’t go to the theater, Keith and Chistiane go to rent a movie and they come back with “twilight”, and it wasn't the one they have asked for;-))) Apparently the Spirit wanted us to watch it! It talked to me so much after all those shifts and deep talk with Erik too about relaying to the group instead of wanting to do everything by myself; I saw the vampire family as The Family, or the messengers taken care for each others, leaving the town for the purpose you've chosen no matter what it takes, holy relationship between the girl and the guy Edward, with no private thought and commitment to each other, unconditional love... and other symbols that I don't remember, and also deep sentence sometimes, very clear! The ego talking about how he works, when they are in the forest and that she told him she knows he is a vampire, he told her how bad he is. And the character of the guy shifted from the ego sometimes and the HS other times. Unworthiness of the father too, thinking he wasn't good enough, and wanting to change it... (I was still in that too;-)))
So it was really deep for me, I even watched it the day after too;-))) I've asked the HS to show me my lesson, and it was incredible; I was the only one to see the movie like that, but when I shared my perception, they could see and feel it too...
It was exactly what I needed for that night, as if this movie was done for me!! Anyway, it was perfect to end the integration of all that, and going to sleep full of love and devotion again...
When I wanted to write all that, here is what came to me
“even if I am sure of my guidance at 100%, I can surrender to what my brother says, for I don’t have anything to protect or to defend…”
Eternally with you,
With Love
Armelle
Yesterday was a so important day, a huge shift day!
First, I got up at 5.40 to go to Brussels with Erik. After the call of Kirsten and Jason talking about integrity, some days ago, one evening Keith was talking about his material and tax stuff, and I felt strongly the call to be completely clear and clean with my situation here in Belgium. I didn’t say yet to the unemployment office nor to the city office that I was married, for I was afraid of a change and that suddenly I won’t get any money from that at all. And as the time passed it seemed more difficult to do it, as if I had tried to protect something, and that I will be punished for that! The guidance was clear for me, and I felt really freed just at the idea of doing it, and very confident in whatever could come from that, knowing that everything is always perfect and that I do not know my own best interest!
So, this morning was the day! On the way to go there was some traffic jam, and I said to Erik “it’s incredible that those people are doing it every day…” He answered me something as “no they aren’t!” And at that time I had the insight, that they were existing, here and now, today, for me, for I had created it. But when there is nobody to see it or being the witness, they don’t exist. They, as we, just exist because there seems to be “others” to see us… During the drive, we didn’t speak a lot, and I was just in a meditation state, talking to Jesus silently and he was whispering me sweet words back. That was really funny, and so good too. When we arrived at the office, I heard that I don’t have to tell everything to everybody all the time. It doesn’t have to be in the form. I just have to give everything to the Spirit, that’s what is important. That’s talking about no private thoughts, keeping nothing from Him. In the office, I was waiting in the line and practicing a prayer of the Course (ch.15,XI.10, at the end of the section) and including every person present here. And the Spirit told me that what I am doing here has nothing to do with the form. For the form doesn’t even have to change. What is important is just the step that I am making. And at that moment, I felt everything was already done, and ok. So when I talked to the person, I let the Spirit talk for me, and tell what he felt was important, knowing that I don’t know my own best interest, but He knows it, and that’s the only thing that I have to do… letting Him take the command, and stepping back. So I did. And I was so amazed… The same question was asked in three different ways for me to hear three times the answer telling that I don’t have to do anything, for everything is perfectly ok as it is now. My situation hasn’t really changed and so all is ok. I went out and felt to go to the city office still, just to be sure everything was completely ok and clear, and for me to be clear with everything here in Belgium, and not being as if I wasn’t married… And I know what it meant for me. I’ve always wanted to seem being the girl that nobody will catch, and who will always be “free”. But I was so afraid of being “dependent” of “someone” that I became completely dependent of my independence! So this step was definitely important. And so I ended up by going to the city office to tell that I am married and ask what I have to do. As I was waiting in the line, I opened the Course on a perfect page (chap 22.V). Then I felt that I didn’t have to do all what they ask, just going there and telling it was enough. I could see the ego trying to grasp on something and telling me that I have to do more, that it’s not enough, and also trying to scare me with the future. Erik helped me to see that clearly and I released it. Waw, big!
On the way back, I could see I was trying people please Erik, as I think I am still doing sometimes. But now it becomes more and more painful to do that, for I am more and more aware I am doing it. It was as if I just wanted to listen to his desire, or fear or doubt most of time, and not trust what I feel. I had told him before that when we will go to Brussels we will go to a French fries cabine, to make him taste Belgian fries! So even if it was 8.30 in the morning, he wanted it! I felt going back directly to the castle as we haven’t anything to do in Brussels, but I say “yes” we will go and see, even if I knew intuitively that it would be closed at that time. So we went there, and it was closed. But I felt that if I could call Christiane and ask here when they were living for her to have her car back and ask her if we can stay here until 11am, Erik could taste it. So I drove thinking going somewhere, and I arrived somewhere else, on the way to take the highway. I still felt it was where we were supposed to go. But I saw a shop where I could by a card to call, so I decided to go, instead of following what I felt. And I’ve almost been hit by a bike when I was crossing the road. I came back in the car. I felt so sad, seeing what I was still doing. Erik told me he didn’t feel I have to call Christiane and that I was trying to people please her! And I say that the only on that I was trying to people please again, was him, and that it was enough for me, I was feeling so sad, not being able to stay in that certainty of what I feel guided to do. And I told him it was the same that with going to Bali and the discussion we had yesterday night. On the way back, he slept, and I stay silent, in prayer about that.
When we arrived, they were preparing all their stuff to go. We went to the living room and turned on our computers. I started paltalk for the lesson of the day, and Erik sat in the coach to meditate. Then I read the course chap 16.IV.6.7.8. great! We didn’t talk since we left Brussels. Christiane came to tell what is their planning for today, and then asked me how we are. I tell her the beginning of my day, really great for me, and then the realization that I am still people pleasing Erik. And him, I don’t know for he didn’t talk since Brussels. We started a group discussion, and I don’t know how, I finally start to feel really angry about “a meaningless conversation”, telling that asking those kind of questions doesn’t have any purpose except running away from what it’s happening now! And Christiane asks me what I live now, what happens for me now!! I can’t really answer… I feel so much rage. I don’t dare telling it. So I take the time. And I ask the Spirit to put the words in my mouth and to speak through me. I have a lot of things in my mind, and what comes from my mouth is absolutely not that! I start by saying that I am taking the full responsibility of all what I will share, and that I am sharing all that for the only purpose of healing, for I am fed up of fighting, (I start crying) and the only thing that I really want is being happy. I share all my stuff, it was about not listening to what I feel and wanting to please Erik a lot yet, I also felt having Erik by my side not talking and sharing as I wanted him to do, was for me like having a dead person by my side, and it was making me face the death of a part of me, and it was really uncomfortable. And I felt how much it was difficult for me to go past all that, and that it would be easier to die! At that moment I got the vision of being a foetus in my mother’s uterus and having a dead foetus, black and sticky, on me, and I am so afraid. I cried so much. They are all very present. It doesn’t last long, and once everything is gone, I immediately feel the relief. I put my head on Keith’s shoulder, eyes closed letting the integration happening… I have a vision of a little girl in India with a ring in the nose and a chain going to the ear. She is dancing and turning on herself, laughing so freely. She is so shinning. Then I see the face of Caroline, a friend, and I feel as if we were friend in that life, playing together. Keith put some music. It’s Indian music! Then he brings some coffee for everybody, and Erik is giving me a feet massage during that time. And a very deep emotion comes up, again. I feel how much I am loved, and I heard in my mind a sentence that the father of my son had told me when I’ve left him 9 years ago “you will never be loved again as I was loving you…” and I feel “yes I am, I am so loved. It wasn’t true!!!” I seem to have believed so much in that, or having made every relationship agreeing with that! I cried so much. And once it’s done, it stops by itself, and I feel that it’s ok, healed! Waw, that’s miracle!
Later, we were talking about going to the movie theater. Erik wasn’t really feeling it. I was really tired by all those emotions. Christiane felt it strongly and Keith said that if it was for us to still be in that mood, he didn’t feel pulling those kinds of “heavy rocks” with him. I felt there was still something inside without knowing really what… One moment I started to cry again and expressing all what was still there, as for example that Christiane and another friend here were bothering me by their laughing and expressions of joy, that I felt were off, and not completely true. And other things but I forgot what… Then I jumped on the coach, lay down as a baby and cried again and again. And one moment, the Spirit told me “it’s ok? You are done now? You’ve finished your cinema? Everybody is around you. You have got what you wanted!!” And it stopped me directly. Then I felt that I didn’t want to have people happy around me for it would have made me face my unhappiness, or I would have felt obligated to be happy, and I didn’t want to be happy, for I didn’t deserve it!! So I realized that people around me weren’t unhappy, but I wanted to see them like that or with problem for it was keeping the identity of Armelle alive, playing between the savior and the victim of those so unhappy people!! But there weren’t any unhappy people except in my mind, where I wanted to be unhappy yet and have reason to complain again, and keep this game running… It was really huge for me to realize that! What a shift in my perception of all my closest.
I feel very tired and Erik told me it’s because I am still resisting, I don’t want to let go, I want to grasp on the fact of only trusting myself, or almost. I can see how he can be right, but in the same time it doesn’t seem completely right. So he talk about relying on the group if we don’t think the same and he told me how he found more humility in him, and what it brought him. We made an agreement for those further cases, and it feels good. Then he told me where I seem to be now… at that point where I have a choice to make and everything is ok, but I can stop suffering if I just surrender. He talks about how he sees I am trying to stay far from the Messengers and David, and that it’s like having a family on which you can count. I think I am really aware of what he is saying. I can see the ego still trying to find a way out, but I can’t go on like this, I am so tired and fed up of playing that game. So finally I told him he is right, and that I want to trust him. And maybe the guidance to go to Bali wasn’t right, and that I don’t want to be attached to that anymore, I don’t want to be right anymore, I just want to be happy, and I don’t know what is my best interest, so I am ok for all what he feel…
I had a huge headache, which ends in one minute after that!!!! And I don’t feel any tiredness anymore. That’s so great…
Finally as we didn’t go to the theater, Keith and Chistiane go to rent a movie and they come back with “twilight”, and it wasn't the one they have asked for;-))) Apparently the Spirit wanted us to watch it! It talked to me so much after all those shifts and deep talk with Erik too about relaying to the group instead of wanting to do everything by myself; I saw the vampire family as The Family, or the messengers taken care for each others, leaving the town for the purpose you've chosen no matter what it takes, holy relationship between the girl and the guy Edward, with no private thought and commitment to each other, unconditional love... and other symbols that I don't remember, and also deep sentence sometimes, very clear! The ego talking about how he works, when they are in the forest and that she told him she knows he is a vampire, he told her how bad he is. And the character of the guy shifted from the ego sometimes and the HS other times. Unworthiness of the father too, thinking he wasn't good enough, and wanting to change it... (I was still in that too;-)))
So it was really deep for me, I even watched it the day after too;-))) I've asked the HS to show me my lesson, and it was incredible; I was the only one to see the movie like that, but when I shared my perception, they could see and feel it too...
It was exactly what I needed for that night, as if this movie was done for me!! Anyway, it was perfect to end the integration of all that, and going to sleep full of love and devotion again...
When I wanted to write all that, here is what came to me
“even if I am sure of my guidance at 100%, I can surrender to what my brother says, for I don’t have anything to protect or to defend…”
Eternally with you,
With Love
Armelle
Jan 21, 2010
Sharing Love Meeting Saturday 23, 3pm Jardin des Tuileries, 1st pond side Concord Place in Paris
Erik and I will be so happy to meet you there, sharing inspired dance and music... We will be with our friends Keith and Christiane...
Lots of love and see you there...
Armelle
Lots of love and see you there...
Armelle
Jan 15, 2010
Uncovering the mask of "sexual power"
Erik: Armelle and I just had a very insightful conversation about one of the most seductive "false idols" of the ego's world: sexual power! We realized that in our past we, each in our own unique way, had fallen prey to the trap of worshiping this idol. After our conversation, we both felt it would be Helpful to share our respective stories on this blog. Sharing it with each other, and now with you, feels so freeing in that once the "shame" is exposed, it is seen as not being shameful at all. Instead, we find that it disappears in the light of examination as just an "ingenious" trick of the ego, and we find a happy lightheartedness in its place.
In so exposing it with each other, we've also discovered how the ego can use two seemingly "opposite" forms, which seem very different from each other, to hide the fact that they are really both the same. For example, in Armelle's case, it played out with her being seemingly born with sexual power, as a beautiful woman who could date any guy she wanted, and then using that power to inflate her ego. In my case, I felt inadequate in my sex life and therefore spent many years trying to "master" that area of my life. In both cases, we were valuing this thing I'm calling "sexual power", for it seemed to serve as a way of "protecting" us from the underlying sense of unworthiness. I'll elaborate a little more about my story, and then Armelle can tell hers...
Growing up, I always felt awkward, weird, and unpopular. At school, I often hung around with the popular guys, but was like the "lowest man on the totem pole". I was picked on frequently, and often felt like I was just a complete nerd. To make it worse, I felt very socially awkward around girls, and was always jealous of the guys that seemed to date women so easily.
When I went away to college, I had a belief that I was "supposed" to have lots of sex, and that if I didn't, there was something wrong with me. And, not surprising based on how the ego wrote the victim scripts for our lives, I wasn't getting any sex except on very rare "lucky" occasions! It started feeling like a MAJOR problem to me, as it was seemingly all that my friends and I talked about and cared about. I believed that if you weren't getting sex, then life sucked, and if you were, it was great!
In my second year when the pain began turning to depression, I decided that I needed to solve the problem somehow. I therefore went on the internet and started researching internet sites that proposed to teach men how to have success with women! And I found them alright!
The first one that caught my attention was a website called "Speed Seduction" which was all about learning conversational hypnosis techniques to make women feel a subconscious attraction for you! The guy who was selling the program said that you could learn how to make ANY woman feel sexually attracted to you, and boy did I bite on that one, hook, line, and sinker!
For the next three years of my college life, and for even two more years after I left college, my primary goal was to "master the art of seduction"! Full of fear but determined to overcome it, I would go out to bars, parties, bookstores, coffee shops, or anywhere I might find single women, and practice starting up conversations with them that might lead to some kind of sexual relationship. The problem was that I never felt really sure about what I wanted. I knew I wanted sex, but I also wanted intimacy. Part of me wanted lots of sexual partners, but I also really wanted one monogamous relationship that felt "spiritual". And of course, looking back, it makes perfect sense that I didn't know what I wanted and constantly felt conflicted. I had already bought into the ego belief that my problem was some kind of physical or emotional lack, and so to keep me chasing an illusory carrot, the ego kept me in a state of confusion so I'd continue to play its game of "seek but do not find".
And I never had what I would have defined as "success". I remember taking lots of self-improvement seminars, some of them focused on success with women, and others being just about general success, and they always started by having you clarify your goals. And I can see now how helpful that really is. The problem is that when our goal is based in the world, then even if we achieve the goal, we won't be satisfied for very long. In my case, "success" seemed to be about reaching the point where I was "in control" of my sex life. I wanted to be able to feel like I was totally without fear, able to meet and attract beautiful women into my life easily, and have sex with the women I was dating whenever I wanted. And this was what the ego was telling me was possible!
But after my dreary search had continued on for many years, I began to suspect that perhaps it was a road without end. I met other guys who seemed to have what I wanted - a highly abundant sex life and lots of "success" with women - but I could begin to sense that even they were not totally happy and satisfied. I started to see that being completely in control of ANYTHING in this world was impossible, and that the way to win the ego's game was to quit playing it.
Yet there was still this strong feeling in me that I had to PROVE to myself that this path was hopeless before I could quit without reservation. After all, I had made seeming progress over the years, in terms of getting FAR more comfortable with my sexuality and with my feelings of self-worth in relation to beautiful women. In fact, I got to the point where I felt like I was actually really GOOD at communicating with women and attracting them, and yet I still didn't feel "in control". It seemed that no matter what I achieved, the ego was always holding out another carrot in front of my eyes for me to chase.
Finally, it all reached a head sometime in the seventh year of this search, when I was without a girlfriend, and feeling very strongly that with the communication skills I had developed, and with all my "positive qualities" as a man, that I SHOULD be able to go out and attract as many women as I wanted. I was SO frustrated that I hadn't yet been able to manifest an abundantly sexual lifestyle, and so I made one final goal: that within six months I would be dating at least three beautiful women all at the same time! And I was SO determined to manifest that goal that I made a bet with a good friend of mine who'd also had similar goals, that if I didn't reach my goal, I'd pay him $1000! See, I'd learned from Tony Robbins (a popular self-improvement guru) that if you really want to reach a goal, then sometimes you need to "light a fire under your ass" and give yourself a really strong reason to avoid NOT reaching the goal!
Well, after making the bet, I DID feel HIGHLY motivated for the first week or two. I was going out to bars at night, trying to meet women and get their phone numbers, etc.., but I could tell that my heart just wasn't really in it. It actually started to feel painful, and after the first month, I just surrendered to what my Spirit was trying to tell me, and I relinquished my goal in my mind. Ahhhh... liberation! Peace! Freedom! For the first time in my adult life, I could see that there was nothing special about having an abundant sex life, and that there was nothing lacking if I wasn't having any sex at all! I began to see that even if I never had sex with another woman for the rest of my life, that it didn't matter. Though I had already been studying the Course for several years, I could finally accept the Peace of God as my only goal, and stop concerning myself with the body.
After six months had passed, I paid my friend the $1000 I had bet him, but I felt fantastic. It felt good to keep my integrity by paying him, all the while knowing that it was all necessary for me to learn one of the most powerful lessons I could have possibly learned at that point: I don't need sex to be happy! Happiness comes SOLELY from being aligned with God, and has nothing at all to do with anything related to bodily comfort or pleasure. What a relief... :-)
As you might expect, when I gave up that goal of "having an abundant sex life", my sex life immediately began improving in a very natural and wholesome way, through very healing relationships that came into my life effortlessly. What a surprise, huh? Therefore, to people I meet now who are chasing after a worldly goal but getting disillusioned, I sometimes like to pass on what I learned: the only way to have what you want, is to stop wanting it! For all we really want is the Love of God, and once we stop wanting it, we realize we already have it.
Anyway, that's my story. Now Armelle will tell her story which, on the surface, appears to be completely the opposite of mine, but which is really not different at all...
Armelle:
As far as I remember, I've always attracted people to me, and when I was a little girl I already had a lot of "lovers", as a child! But still I could already experience "my" power! Or what I thought being the power. At secondary school when I started to have boyfriends, I was thinking that I could have every guy I wanted, and it happened to be true. I was kind of the most popular girl. And I remember for one guy I've waited four years, but I never given up, I had to "have" him too. I think it was part of my "success".
And it was really a goal, I can see now how much there wasn't any love in that, but just to prove to me how I was really good, and prove my value. I was really using men to show my value.
It's really the first time that I dare looking at all that like this, and that I can speak like this, without being ashamed of me, and it was really freeing to see that in Erik's story I could hear mine, and the same "shame", the same desire for power playing for me in having it since I was born but always doing everything to keep it or more again, not to lose it. A "no" of one guy could make my all world falling apart too, for it was questioning "my" power. What did I do for it not to work anymore? What did I change? It had to come from me, because I was seeming to be the one "in control" of all that game. I was always very worry about this body, having always to keep it the most beautiful possible, and hating it when I started to gain weight some years ago.
This body has always been my "temple", the most important thing for me. As sexuality was also a mean to show how good I was. And though all those years I almost didn't get any pleasure for myself in having sex. I was just acting!! I was only there to give pleasure to the man, and most of time, I didn't have any except this one. A few years ago I had a partner who told me that having sex was first for yourself, I was completely shocked! I couldn't imagine that. It was all an adventure for me, and something difficult too.
Two years ago I met a guy with whom I lived a so much healing experience. We weren't "together" in relationship, but just there for each other for the healing. I could say "no", what was a huge step for me! For all those years, having to "keep" this position in order to maintain the identity I couldn't say "no". So I often had sex with men without wanting it but just with the hope that it was the means to be loved... Which wasn't and engendered a lot of cries, sometimes. And I learnt to receive and having a place in the sexual relationship other than just being an object. What I've always project on men using me as an object. It was as if he had offered me a new virginity. It was the first time I lived something like that. And this opened a new "world" for me. He wasn't absolutely the kind of guy with whom I was used to date, so I couldn't even imagine stay with him. So still this desire for dating someone through whom I could be valued was present.
I can really see how much I was using men to show my value to the world and being recognize through them, as I didn't give me any value, nor recognition. I have always wanted to be recognized, and I have tried to achieve it that way, but also through what I was doing as job. I was always trying to be someone, instead of just being who I am. I've realized some days ago that I've tried to be recognized in the world for I didn't recognize and didn't know who I was in truth. And now, I can really say that it was the ONLY thing that I really wanted.
I was always using men for my need, whatever there were, and I thought it would have shown all the power I had. And behind that was the fear of feeling and letting all that unworthiness coming up, and all that shame, that I wasn't even aware of. This mask, this object game, this trophee woman was the most important part of the identity of Armelle!
At the point that two years ago I decided to shave my hair to stop being seen as a beautiful long blond hair woman with blue eyes. I just wanted to be seen for Who I really was. I wanted so much people just love me for who I was inside, and not what was outside, on the surface. I have always wanted to be loved for the all, and so much experienced to be loved for what I was representing. I've often been a trophee, but now I could see I was using men like that too. And how I wanted to exist like that! I went through a lot of emotions just by doing it. I didn't know who I was. I wasn't getting attention as before in the street, or wherever. It was already processing...
I was so amazed how the ego is hidding exactly the same feeling by using what seems to be opposite character types. I could see that every time that Erik was talking about his story, about trying to be a master, I was laughing, I couldn't imagine how it could be possible to be like that, to do that, and this time I was able to see and tell that I was even feeling ashamed of what he was telling, but it was seemingly "my" shame, not his. So I find that so usefull and so great to see those ego tricks, and how it seems to be played on the screen, with finally the same unhappiness.
In Mallorca I had the opportunity to go through some remark of Erik about this body and it was really horrible for me. I couldn't understand that he could possibly love me, and felt so much unworthiness, I felt being a piece of shit. Then the HS told me he was loving me as I've always wanted to be... for who I am! and now I am truly living it, and it's so great!... being loved for Who I am...
It's very powerful for me to write all that, and see how much I was suffering trying to keep that mask. I really want to release it. I see trully how much it doesn't serve me anymore. There is really nothing to value in that!
so yeah, drop the mask!!!!!!!!!! Free ourselves;-))))))))))))))))
Lots of love
Armelle
In so exposing it with each other, we've also discovered how the ego can use two seemingly "opposite" forms, which seem very different from each other, to hide the fact that they are really both the same. For example, in Armelle's case, it played out with her being seemingly born with sexual power, as a beautiful woman who could date any guy she wanted, and then using that power to inflate her ego. In my case, I felt inadequate in my sex life and therefore spent many years trying to "master" that area of my life. In both cases, we were valuing this thing I'm calling "sexual power", for it seemed to serve as a way of "protecting" us from the underlying sense of unworthiness. I'll elaborate a little more about my story, and then Armelle can tell hers...
Growing up, I always felt awkward, weird, and unpopular. At school, I often hung around with the popular guys, but was like the "lowest man on the totem pole". I was picked on frequently, and often felt like I was just a complete nerd. To make it worse, I felt very socially awkward around girls, and was always jealous of the guys that seemed to date women so easily.
When I went away to college, I had a belief that I was "supposed" to have lots of sex, and that if I didn't, there was something wrong with me. And, not surprising based on how the ego wrote the victim scripts for our lives, I wasn't getting any sex except on very rare "lucky" occasions! It started feeling like a MAJOR problem to me, as it was seemingly all that my friends and I talked about and cared about. I believed that if you weren't getting sex, then life sucked, and if you were, it was great!
In my second year when the pain began turning to depression, I decided that I needed to solve the problem somehow. I therefore went on the internet and started researching internet sites that proposed to teach men how to have success with women! And I found them alright!
The first one that caught my attention was a website called "Speed Seduction" which was all about learning conversational hypnosis techniques to make women feel a subconscious attraction for you! The guy who was selling the program said that you could learn how to make ANY woman feel sexually attracted to you, and boy did I bite on that one, hook, line, and sinker!
For the next three years of my college life, and for even two more years after I left college, my primary goal was to "master the art of seduction"! Full of fear but determined to overcome it, I would go out to bars, parties, bookstores, coffee shops, or anywhere I might find single women, and practice starting up conversations with them that might lead to some kind of sexual relationship. The problem was that I never felt really sure about what I wanted. I knew I wanted sex, but I also wanted intimacy. Part of me wanted lots of sexual partners, but I also really wanted one monogamous relationship that felt "spiritual". And of course, looking back, it makes perfect sense that I didn't know what I wanted and constantly felt conflicted. I had already bought into the ego belief that my problem was some kind of physical or emotional lack, and so to keep me chasing an illusory carrot, the ego kept me in a state of confusion so I'd continue to play its game of "seek but do not find".
And I never had what I would have defined as "success". I remember taking lots of self-improvement seminars, some of them focused on success with women, and others being just about general success, and they always started by having you clarify your goals. And I can see now how helpful that really is. The problem is that when our goal is based in the world, then even if we achieve the goal, we won't be satisfied for very long. In my case, "success" seemed to be about reaching the point where I was "in control" of my sex life. I wanted to be able to feel like I was totally without fear, able to meet and attract beautiful women into my life easily, and have sex with the women I was dating whenever I wanted. And this was what the ego was telling me was possible!
But after my dreary search had continued on for many years, I began to suspect that perhaps it was a road without end. I met other guys who seemed to have what I wanted - a highly abundant sex life and lots of "success" with women - but I could begin to sense that even they were not totally happy and satisfied. I started to see that being completely in control of ANYTHING in this world was impossible, and that the way to win the ego's game was to quit playing it.
Yet there was still this strong feeling in me that I had to PROVE to myself that this path was hopeless before I could quit without reservation. After all, I had made seeming progress over the years, in terms of getting FAR more comfortable with my sexuality and with my feelings of self-worth in relation to beautiful women. In fact, I got to the point where I felt like I was actually really GOOD at communicating with women and attracting them, and yet I still didn't feel "in control". It seemed that no matter what I achieved, the ego was always holding out another carrot in front of my eyes for me to chase.
Finally, it all reached a head sometime in the seventh year of this search, when I was without a girlfriend, and feeling very strongly that with the communication skills I had developed, and with all my "positive qualities" as a man, that I SHOULD be able to go out and attract as many women as I wanted. I was SO frustrated that I hadn't yet been able to manifest an abundantly sexual lifestyle, and so I made one final goal: that within six months I would be dating at least three beautiful women all at the same time! And I was SO determined to manifest that goal that I made a bet with a good friend of mine who'd also had similar goals, that if I didn't reach my goal, I'd pay him $1000! See, I'd learned from Tony Robbins (a popular self-improvement guru) that if you really want to reach a goal, then sometimes you need to "light a fire under your ass" and give yourself a really strong reason to avoid NOT reaching the goal!
Well, after making the bet, I DID feel HIGHLY motivated for the first week or two. I was going out to bars at night, trying to meet women and get their phone numbers, etc.., but I could tell that my heart just wasn't really in it. It actually started to feel painful, and after the first month, I just surrendered to what my Spirit was trying to tell me, and I relinquished my goal in my mind. Ahhhh... liberation! Peace! Freedom! For the first time in my adult life, I could see that there was nothing special about having an abundant sex life, and that there was nothing lacking if I wasn't having any sex at all! I began to see that even if I never had sex with another woman for the rest of my life, that it didn't matter. Though I had already been studying the Course for several years, I could finally accept the Peace of God as my only goal, and stop concerning myself with the body.
After six months had passed, I paid my friend the $1000 I had bet him, but I felt fantastic. It felt good to keep my integrity by paying him, all the while knowing that it was all necessary for me to learn one of the most powerful lessons I could have possibly learned at that point: I don't need sex to be happy! Happiness comes SOLELY from being aligned with God, and has nothing at all to do with anything related to bodily comfort or pleasure. What a relief... :-)
As you might expect, when I gave up that goal of "having an abundant sex life", my sex life immediately began improving in a very natural and wholesome way, through very healing relationships that came into my life effortlessly. What a surprise, huh? Therefore, to people I meet now who are chasing after a worldly goal but getting disillusioned, I sometimes like to pass on what I learned: the only way to have what you want, is to stop wanting it! For all we really want is the Love of God, and once we stop wanting it, we realize we already have it.
Anyway, that's my story. Now Armelle will tell her story which, on the surface, appears to be completely the opposite of mine, but which is really not different at all...
Armelle:
As far as I remember, I've always attracted people to me, and when I was a little girl I already had a lot of "lovers", as a child! But still I could already experience "my" power! Or what I thought being the power. At secondary school when I started to have boyfriends, I was thinking that I could have every guy I wanted, and it happened to be true. I was kind of the most popular girl. And I remember for one guy I've waited four years, but I never given up, I had to "have" him too. I think it was part of my "success".
And it was really a goal, I can see now how much there wasn't any love in that, but just to prove to me how I was really good, and prove my value. I was really using men to show my value.
It's really the first time that I dare looking at all that like this, and that I can speak like this, without being ashamed of me, and it was really freeing to see that in Erik's story I could hear mine, and the same "shame", the same desire for power playing for me in having it since I was born but always doing everything to keep it or more again, not to lose it. A "no" of one guy could make my all world falling apart too, for it was questioning "my" power. What did I do for it not to work anymore? What did I change? It had to come from me, because I was seeming to be the one "in control" of all that game. I was always very worry about this body, having always to keep it the most beautiful possible, and hating it when I started to gain weight some years ago.
This body has always been my "temple", the most important thing for me. As sexuality was also a mean to show how good I was. And though all those years I almost didn't get any pleasure for myself in having sex. I was just acting!! I was only there to give pleasure to the man, and most of time, I didn't have any except this one. A few years ago I had a partner who told me that having sex was first for yourself, I was completely shocked! I couldn't imagine that. It was all an adventure for me, and something difficult too.
Two years ago I met a guy with whom I lived a so much healing experience. We weren't "together" in relationship, but just there for each other for the healing. I could say "no", what was a huge step for me! For all those years, having to "keep" this position in order to maintain the identity I couldn't say "no". So I often had sex with men without wanting it but just with the hope that it was the means to be loved... Which wasn't and engendered a lot of cries, sometimes. And I learnt to receive and having a place in the sexual relationship other than just being an object. What I've always project on men using me as an object. It was as if he had offered me a new virginity. It was the first time I lived something like that. And this opened a new "world" for me. He wasn't absolutely the kind of guy with whom I was used to date, so I couldn't even imagine stay with him. So still this desire for dating someone through whom I could be valued was present.
I can really see how much I was using men to show my value to the world and being recognize through them, as I didn't give me any value, nor recognition. I have always wanted to be recognized, and I have tried to achieve it that way, but also through what I was doing as job. I was always trying to be someone, instead of just being who I am. I've realized some days ago that I've tried to be recognized in the world for I didn't recognize and didn't know who I was in truth. And now, I can really say that it was the ONLY thing that I really wanted.
I was always using men for my need, whatever there were, and I thought it would have shown all the power I had. And behind that was the fear of feeling and letting all that unworthiness coming up, and all that shame, that I wasn't even aware of. This mask, this object game, this trophee woman was the most important part of the identity of Armelle!
At the point that two years ago I decided to shave my hair to stop being seen as a beautiful long blond hair woman with blue eyes. I just wanted to be seen for Who I really was. I wanted so much people just love me for who I was inside, and not what was outside, on the surface. I have always wanted to be loved for the all, and so much experienced to be loved for what I was representing. I've often been a trophee, but now I could see I was using men like that too. And how I wanted to exist like that! I went through a lot of emotions just by doing it. I didn't know who I was. I wasn't getting attention as before in the street, or wherever. It was already processing...
I was so amazed how the ego is hidding exactly the same feeling by using what seems to be opposite character types. I could see that every time that Erik was talking about his story, about trying to be a master, I was laughing, I couldn't imagine how it could be possible to be like that, to do that, and this time I was able to see and tell that I was even feeling ashamed of what he was telling, but it was seemingly "my" shame, not his. So I find that so usefull and so great to see those ego tricks, and how it seems to be played on the screen, with finally the same unhappiness.
In Mallorca I had the opportunity to go through some remark of Erik about this body and it was really horrible for me. I couldn't understand that he could possibly love me, and felt so much unworthiness, I felt being a piece of shit. Then the HS told me he was loving me as I've always wanted to be... for who I am! and now I am truly living it, and it's so great!... being loved for Who I am...
It's very powerful for me to write all that, and see how much I was suffering trying to keep that mask. I really want to release it. I see trully how much it doesn't serve me anymore. There is really nothing to value in that!
so yeah, drop the mask!!!!!!!!!! Free ourselves;-))))))))))))))))
Lots of love
Armelle
Jan 14, 2010
Quietness and Love
It seems that after going through all those emotions and that strong shift for both of us in the mind, gentleness and love are present. It's incredible how I feel different since that last experience that we both shared on that blog. As if the shift in my mind and also the fact that Erik released the perception he had about me had allowed me to be who I feel I've always been... soft and love. That's really strange, and so great for sure! I feel surrendering to everything that can happen. I don't feel any fight inside anymore. I feel vulnerable and as a child, not knowing anything, and totally willing to be shown. Being at the castle again with our mighty companions is really great. Yesterday we had a joining that lasted almost the all day. I feel the healing is still taking place but in a very gentle way.
So now we just enjoy being here with all there is, and it's perfect as it is... even not expecting for a next step!! Just being, where we are... Enjoying all that love surrounding us!
Lots of love
Armelle
So now we just enjoy being here with all there is, and it's perfect as it is... even not expecting for a next step!! Just being, where we are... Enjoying all that love surrounding us!
Lots of love
Armelle
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