I haven't shared since two weeks now... I allowed myself to go deeper, and relax a lot...
This very quiet time of that last week was so great, and so helpful in releasing a lot for me...
Our trip to Paris had been so huge... in all directions for me!! And so important stepping stone, initiatrice of an very high shift in my mind.
During those three days, we apply just stay in the Now, no plan at all, except the meeting in the garden on the Saturday afternoon.
So many things had become clear for me...
I still saw a lot how much I wasn't listening to my guidance, that inner voice talking to me, directing me intuitively all the time, but I still decide by myself. I could see that in different ways and blame different seeminlgy things or persons for that!!!
First it's about the gluten, that I make responsible of that heaviness that I felt, and going deeper, I realised that what was really heavy and making me sad, was not listening and following my guidance, as I didn't do it every time that week before. So I was blaming the gluten for I ate some this week too, and that was because of that, that I felt heavy and tired. But I was so sad of not listening and still more for I really hear what is the guidance, but I just don't trust it, or just do as I ever did... and I was so tired of doing it, of playing that game. I was still making me the victim of something, as the gluten, or even the fact of not following, instead of seeing that I am so powerful, and I can just change my mind, I can really follow the guidance if I decide it so... So I didn't have to stop eating gluten, but just be aligned with my purpose and that my deep desire and my acts were aligned together too... what means let the HS be in charge of everything as I don't know what is my best interest!!
Second, it was Erik that I made responsible of still wanting to people please, and so not following my heart...
At first, this week-end was proposed by my sister. So I wanted to meet her and the children too for it would be the last time before several months. we had planned to meet on the Friday evening for dinner, but she arrived late and I had left the meeting after having waited half an hour, alone. She told me she wasn't feeling good and she wanted so much seeing me... So we tried to arrange another moment, but as I didn't know where we will be the day after, we decided I will call her for sunday morning eventually. Finally we had been invited to go to Sylvain and Caroline's place, as she got the guidance, and this time together was so worthy.
There was just light and love, and the HS was just pouring. We were all in very deep meditation state all the time, and deep conversation and I was really happy. Everything was so perfect and so great. We had not plan anything regarding to the time we will stay there, or when we will go back to Belgium or... So finally I agreed with my sister to meet her beginning of the afternoon on Sunday and calling her around noon.
The morning, I felt the HS pouring through me, as we were talking with Caroline and Christiane, and then through Caroline, it was really great to be so connected. So much that I finally called my sister around 2pm, having not seen the time! I had already a bit guilt. we fixed the meeting at 4pm. I felt it wasn't right for me to go, and so I started to feel bad, a bit anxious, nervous. And now, we were all sitting in the living room and Caroline was talking and I started to perceive she was talking to Erik more specially and what she was telling was to make him going far from me! I don't remember what it was...
I tried asking, without really asking, some help from Erik not to go, but in fact I was just asking him if he felt coming with me, what I knew would be "no", for there really was any purpose for that, except thinking doing something good and stopping feeling guitly about not seeing my sister! I felt so much it wasn't right for me to go, and I saw Erik not knowing what to do, what to answer, kind of not wanting me to be angry at him. He answered me what I wanted him to do, and I was feeling coming with me, for sure... kind of keeping me straight, but I didn't say anything and simply answered by a question about what he was feeling doing. and for sure, the answer was not coming. So I already started to be angry at him. He was reflecting the Truth to me, and I wasn't following the guidance... I was so pissed of!!
I went. Keith, Christiane and Sylvain came too... We spent around one hour together, where I almost just played with the kids, and not talk too much with my sister or her husband. I was really sad when I came back, and still feeling guilty about not having taken so much time to talk with her, this time. Attraction to guilt???
So I sat apart from others on the chair, and stayed quiet, making my forgiveness process to change my mind about that experience and Erik, the betrayor... hum;-) thanks ego!
And one moment I felt a healing happening and some kind of deep energy running in the body. I had the feeling something important will happen. I felt my mind shifting and an openeness.
They were just sharing about the fact of staying more, and all the thoughts about that, and right after that experience, Sylvain said that he didn't have any plan for us to stay or leave, no time, and he is completely open to just being in the Now, and following the guidance, and see what will happen! Waw, it was so great... I felt being completely back at that time, enjoying it, and feeling the release of that pressure about what to do.
But still I didn't talk. after dinner, I started really to perceive Erik and Caroline being just both together as if there was nobody else existing around and even if I knew the HS was pouring, there was something much deeper than that happening to which I couldn't resist, seemingly. I was giving everything I was perceiving to the HS, desiring really stay present and not going into that jealousy, but it was just reinforcing. And finally I had to gather everybody and share how much I was in hell, and how much I just wanted to kill them both, and other things ... The only thing I wanted at that moment was separating them, to feel better. I wasn't looking for peace or even thinking coming in my right mind. I had someone to be the guilty one and I had to go to the end, that's how I see it now... 15 days later;-)
I've found two persons to take this weight for me, to be guilty for me... The ego was becoming mad really with all that love... and Truth
The day after, I was still in it, and so ashamed too. I wasn't daring to really talk to Caroline. So I kept playing the same game. I just wanted to leave that place where I couldn't face that shame, that guilt... being so aware and living that, and staying in it. So I left, and went walking alone without saying anything during 5 hours in Paris, ready to take a plane or a train for wherever. I felt that pain so strong. I felt the call to go deeper in the relationship with my sister, and had been guided to go through a forgiveness process, with gratitude and taking the full responsability of what I was projecting on her.. really freeing. Then after crossing Paris by feet, I came back, and everybody just stop talking. It was horrible. So much that I broke the silence just to ask when we were leaving for if the weren't today I was ready to take the train. And then I still stayed silent until we left. I told to Erik I didn't want him to come with me, I wanted to be alone and as my parents were on holidays, I will go there without him and that he could go wherever he wanted I wasn't caring! I didn't want to be married to him anymore and would be happy to divorce... The weight of guilt!!!!!!!!!!!! He asked me what I was afraid about. And I answered that he just has to stop trying to teach me... Wow, unworthiness has came too....
I didn't talk during the way back, and went alone to my parents house. Happy to feel free of that, hum!
I knew it couldn't stay like this, and it was impossible for me to change my mind. I was still gone so far... so I wrote an very angry email to David before going to sleep, hoping for some help to go out of this.
The morning I didn't get any answer for him. So, seeing that Jason was on skype, I decided to call him. I spent one hour talking with him and Kirsten. It was so helpful. I knew and felt I was calling for deeper purpose, and to have the shift in my mind that I didn't feel able to do alone. But still it wasn't enough, and some hours later I still had some rage, or desire for vengence. So I asked Sarah to have a skype call and do the 5 levels of mind together. She proposed me to do it alone in French first and then call her if there was still something. So I did. and at the end of the 5 levels, I started to cry so much, I couldn't stop. I cried and shouted so deeply, coming from somewhere that I didn't know anything about... as never! And I already had cried a lot!!
She really helped me with fermness, and no compromise, and no understanding at all of what I was seemingly living. The only reason for which I was in hell was because I had chosen the ego, the separation. And now I had to make another choice to go out of hell, it was the only way out... Incredible deep shift. The HS through her told me, that if I never wanted to live that again, I had to choose NOW what I really wanted... and choosing it once for all. And I would never live that again if I always keep that purpose. That's Him before eveything else. No desire for things from the world, just Him, and everything will be given to me... Not wanting to be loved, seen, recognized or what else. But choosing Him, and I will have far much than what I'm asking for now. The problem, she told me, is that I ask for far too little now, and that I can have everything... Why would I go on to choose that?
That was so great, so deep, so True, and so helpful... I felt that what I was living was kind of the core belief of the identity of Armelle. It was like if I was letting go that one, I would never be the same anymore... I was so afraid. And Sarah stay with me until I decided to say, frome the heart "I choose Him, yes I choose Him" And it was so powerful, my heart started to burn, and my mind completely shifted... A bit later, I felt Jesus wanting me to write, and it was the first time it was so strong... going so fast it was difficult for me to follow what He was saying, I was just burning, so great... I am really not alone, and so well taken care if I choose Him!!!
At the end of the afternoon, I joined Erik at the castle where he was gone with Keith and Christiane... I was just peaceful
I want You God, before everything else, now and forever... Thank you so much to all my Brothers and Sisters that are so uncompromising! Being uncompromising is being free...
I Love Us
Armelle
