"If you cannot hear the Voice for God, it is because you do not choose to listen. 2 That you listen to the voice of your ego is demonstrated by your attitudes, your feelings and your behavior.3 Yet, this is what you want.4 This is what you are fighting to keep, and what you are vigilant to save.5 Your mind is filled with schemes to save the face of your ego, and you do not seek the face of Christ.6 The glass in which the ego seeks to see its face is dark indeed.7 How can it maintain the trick of its existence except with mirrors?8 But where you look to find yourself is up to you." T-4.IV.1
I was hearing this title again and again and didn't really know what to write. So I prayed and I've been led to my Course to read this... Then I understood what the Spirit wanted to teach me tonight...
Since my marriage with Erik so much stuff has come up. There has been very very intense time, and also quiet time, peaceful and loving. I was pretty new in the Course, and didn't really get a deep experiencing of the principles. I knew them for the most, but it wasn't experienced most of the time. I was still blaming Erik a lot for what was too intense for me...;-)
I was so arrogant and wanted to be so right. I never liked the feeling of being the one that has to learn, being the "student", so I was rarely opened to what Erik was willing to help me with, until I couldn't bear the pain of keeping holding onto "I want to be right", "I know better", "there is no one who needs help", or even "this is my experience so you cannot take it from me, and don't tell me it is not true!" (this one is a great one;-))).
There was such a deep unworthiness and such a strong unconscious desire to not feel that, to not accept it, to not go through it (even if on the surface it was talked about, I just didn't want to feel it deep down), kind of a desguised desire to keep it, by constantly projecting it outside onto Erik's behavior. It has been expressed and seen in so many different ways, I don't even remember, but most of the upsets we had were coming back to that same belief... that I am so unworthy, such a piece of shit, such an awful person, not lovable... (different variations to have more opportunities to bite into it, so ingenious!) Underneath that was the desire to hold onto my identity... I've been that all my life (even if I wasn't aware of it), what would I be without that story? Who would I be if I started to be happy, loved, gentle and true with myself, and that I was fully following my heart. Because guess what? That belief, is one of the core to not follow FULLY the Spirit! Even practicing the lesson... it says in the Course that we don't need concentration to do it, we just don't follow what is said because we don't feel worthy enough; and I feel it's so right.
The resistances I've been feeling all over this past year were about that... feeling unworthy! Oh yes, I've been looking at it, diving into it, going back to the past, analyzing it, and ... still there!
That's why I wrote this first paragraph, that's what I wanted to see, what I've always wanted to see... because I wanted to exist! I wanted so badly to exist on my own, by myself, being the center of everyone's world.... and so I was paying the ego price for it.
That was the deal: "You'll be the shining star, standing up on the first step of the podium, being the center of attention, such a special person, you'll succeed in everything you do, easily, and then one day something will fail and you'll think it's you who failed and you'll know the other face of the coin, for it's always one or the other. You cannot have one without the other, even if the other is just masked. Once there, we'll alternate so you keep go on playing the game of being a person. For you like so much the shiny part of it!!!"
And so I played... diligently, unconsciously, taking on the pain, for the pride, for the acclamations, to E-XI-ST!
The relationship with Erik, so well choosen by the Spirit (such a great matchmaker), was perfectly designed for it to come up, and be healed...
It didn't take one whole day for it to happen! The evening of our wedding day, it started... I felt so overwhelmed by that Love and anger showed his nose... and it was just the beginning of it. Then it came in jealousy, rejection, fear of abandonment, withdrawing myself, rage, wanting to die and a lot of other that I might be forgetting (you'll forgive that!!)
All that made me going through a lot of pain, sadness, feelings of powerlessness, being a victim of myself, the ego, Erik, others, seeing my path as being in a cult... I've been so violent with myself to protect it!
All that to not feel the unworthiness, all that to protect the identity, the mask, to not allow the Love to pour through, to not allow the Spirit to guide me (making Him fearful at times too), to not join with other mighty companions (I was feeling so inferior to them, and so afraid of my reactions, that I was afraid to join physically). Such a great play to keep me imprisoned in the role I've been playing all my life.
There has been so much resistances and every opportunity I had to take the words of Erik or a mighty companion to reinforce that was used to distract me from going on with the Course, to pull back from David or the Messengers, to not follow the guidance and reinforce that old friend pride, and arrogance, and rejection. For in those times, I was rejecting them as much as I could, lying to myself on what I was doing, and still being so aware that it was what was playing. I've lied so much to myself. I was so afraid that Erik could "cheat" on me, but I was so much cheating on my True Self, betraying the Truth about me all over again...
I was seeing in everyone what I wanted to see to keep those beliefs about myself, to keep being who I thought myself to be. I needed mirrors of this belief, so I couldn't see the Christ, didn't want to, it was my survival... It wasn't their acts or behaviors, but who I was choosing to be!
And I wasn't looking in the Spirit to find myself... in those moment... and it has cost so much pain and delays!
And no, beloved Brothers and Sisters, this need not be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The day of my interview at the embassy to immigrate to the States, I received an email with a statement saying something like "if you don't get what you want, it might be a great opportunity". I got my visa approved, but I had to wait another 12 days to receive it. At first it was ok, but then once I was with Erik on the phone, it came to a point, that once more, I wanted this relationship to end. I felt so punished and felt as if it was the end and that I would never see him again. So I wanted to end it now!
What I've been learning those last months is that I am not the one in control of what happens... whether I leave or stay! It is how it is, I am not the one deciding if the relationship will last or end. Which is great in time a crisis, for I know, even if I go through all that unnecessary pain, that I'll still be there, and that has been helpful in allowing all that deep repressed anger and rage to come up. Every time I was afraid he could leave me, I was ready to leave, but never did it.
All that had nothing to do with Erik... whatever the form it had, it was all and always about me and what I was trying to protect by acting in a certain way, by feeling in a certain way... He is just the angel put on my path to help me releasing all those blocks to Love. (full of gratitude)
We talked for hours and hours and hours that day... until finally everything was ok. Once all the fear released, all the thougths expressed, there was room for Love...
The next morning, one of the first thought was that it had to stop!!!! I really couldn't go on like this, it is so painful and it needs not be. So I prayed.
And 30 minutes later I had a plane ticket to go to Mallorca joining the devotional there with David and the messengers. And since then the Spirit doesn't stop to show me how loved I am, how worthy I am...
I felt such a shift just going there, just stopping resisting to what I felt was my life, my path... since the first moment I met Helena and David!
Screwing all that up to exist? Doesn't it sound crazy???
"Surrender...
Surrender Holy Child
Come and dive into my arms
I will hold you tie and never let you down
Come, come and make me First
For the Fruit of the Kingdom are Yours
Trust, trust and trust again
For I will never let you down
How could I, we are One?"
With Love and Gratitude
Armelle
