Sunday, at the end of the day, we left the castle. We were both feeling something else had to take place (hey we were feeling the same;-))))
We came back to my parent's house. I was happy to see them, and felt good to share with them. But it didn't happen that way when we arrived. We ate, Erik and I, and then sat before our computers. I was listening to the satsang I was guided to have on monday, that had been recorded. It was so interesting, for at that time the internet connection was cutting a lot, and I couldn't hear everything! Certainly not ready yet;-) All what was said hit me in the face, waw, it was really big, I was happy having listened to! Later we went to bed, without really talking with my parents.
I received an email of a very dear friend, telling that he had read the blog and talking to me about what he thinks about guidance, coming directly from the Spirit I guess, beautiful reflection of my mind told me Erik. But I was so touched, without knowing why. after a time, I realized I was touched because I felt naked before him, because I imagined he could see how imperfect I am, going through all those emotions, ... Then I felt how much it's still difficult to be who I am... And I knew it was certainly for that that we are here.. an opportunity for me to practice;-) I started to cry for I was sad to have the opportunity to talk with my parents but not knowing how to do it, and not doing anything at all! I would like so much joining with them in truht of who I am.
After talking with Erik, I felt going down and tell them all what I was feeling. So I did. I told them how much I'd like to join with them but I don't know how, for they are not sharing and understanding the life that I live. My dad was, first, upset, then says nothing anymore, asking me what I still want to say, and that yes he doesn't understand at all my life, and that for him it's not life. Life is not that, being in the beatitude every day!
It was really difficult for me to express my feelings, so I was crying. I told them that I was afraid that if I wasn't talking to them they will thing I don't love them, and it's not true, but talking about the weather doesn't interest me, and that if I talk about what I live, if I am who I am, I am afraid they will reject me because they don't understand. My mother, with her big heart, came next to me to tell me how much they love me and that whatever I can do, they will always love me, even if they don't understand or don't share it, and that she always likes when I am sharing what I am living, and that sometimes she feels that my friends must know more about me than her, them. I felt strongly her desire to join with me and not really knowing how either. we talk a bit about the way we live our life, and what was next, and then my dad asked me too what is next. I talk about the unknowing of the world tour ticket and that we will see. He told me that it's really difficult for him for life is not there at all. For him, life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a bit every day! And my mum said her mother told her that too when she was a little girl. So I was so grateful... for them to be true, and allowing me to see one of the huge belief inside me!!! Keeping me certainly from living happiness, and thinking I don't deserve it too! The joining had an happy ending with hugs and love, and I was so happy to have expressed my fears and desire.
The day after just before waking up I was going through fears and worries because I didn't have any clear guidance about the world tour ticket. And I started to see I was thinking I didn't deserve such a trip, it's not life. I was seeing how one day from another my whole perception of "me", or "my reality" could change in relation to what I am going through, what is the belief on the spot! And now, I am so aware of the piece of toast with shit, that I feel afraid it has become the first one in my mind. As yesterday, I realized deeply how much I am the creator of what I live, by my thoughts, and so I am responsible of everything that is in my life, I started to see that there are many things I was resisted to be in charge of. That I couldn't imagine I could make it is in my life, as for example my marriage with Erik, (and more when I am upset;-)). I was still seeing something outside making it happen or not. Then I told Jesus I want him to be in charge of the day for me. I wanted to think his thoughts, tell his words, I want him to guide my acts, and use my voice to talk. And I lived a so wonderful experience, of deep peace immediately, and was shwown that everything is in me, there is no external power, no external God telling me what to do or not do, there is no external entity or even no internal entity. That's the decision in my mind, all my thoughts, and everything that I am living is in relation with what is deeply in what seems to be "my" mind. So my experience has the color of the love or the fear, and the more I love "me", what is just the projection of my right mind or my wrong mind, the more I recognize Who I am in truth and "my" real value, the more my experience is changing for simple happiness and real Love, for I give less and less power to the identity of Armelle, and more to Jesus or HS to be the guide.
Until that day I had prefered to think there was an outside "entity" or power or authority (thinking more it was inside me, but still not "me") giving me that power or deciding, hanging on if I was listening to her or not, to give me that power. I didn't want to be responsible for all I had lived!! It was too much to think I had all that power, and I had called for all those experiences (even if since years I am aware how much everything had helped me to grow up and be where I am now). The border between being responsible or guilty is so thin, and I felt so much guilty about everything and I was so much judging me. It felt so heavy to be responsible of all what you are living, for the "good" as for the "bad" experiences. For it means that, every time I have the opportunity to make an opportunity of growing and be in the Love, or to be the victim. And I have been the victim so many times!!!!!!!!!!!!! So today, it's a really huge day for me. Waw... huge! I feel so full of gratitude, full of love and full of joy, everything seems suddenly so clear to me. Erik is still sleeping so I go down, I want to share my joy!
My mum is there. We talk a bit. She asks me some questions, and I don't want "Armelle" to answer that, I don't know what to say, so I stay quiet for a time and ask Jesus to put the words in my mouth. I explain as example that it's not because I was raised in the belief that life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a piece every day that I have to keep it and go on my life by experiencing that all the time, proving my belief is true, it can be changed and my experiences too. And as I already did yesterday, I gave that belief to Jesus, for it doesn't serve me anymore. As I am speaking she changes the subject! I think it's too much for her, and immediately comes the thought that I am trying to teach her! I am judging myself, and think maybe I want to feel superior or to see there is someone to heal or to save. So I don't feel good with that, and go to share with Erik what I feel. As I am sharing it, he goes in the same way of thinking than I am. I saw how much he is the pure reflection of my mind, those last days. If I feel certain, he is completely with me. If I am doubtful he reflected it back to me. If I am afraid, he expresses fears, even if I am not expressing it! I feel bad, sad, and a bit guilty too. And in the same time I remember having asked Jesus to speak through me! I am trying to make Erik guilty about something he tells me, and he says it. I take it back and change my mind. In my communication with Jesus this morning he told me the ego would be very vicious today, I have to be very vigilant. So I remember it and let go the upset! I am so aware I feel bad and I want him to "save" me or be the guitly one. I saw how it works so many times these last days! So I know he is right, and it's in my mind!
Later we have a skype call with Jason and Kirsten who had sent us an email to talk with us about guidance and trust. In the call, Kirsten asks me what I think about paying the 400 dollars I was guided to give for the retreat in Canada in August that I couldn't give at that time, for I didn't have any money. And she speaks about integrity. I am compelely ok to give it, for sure. Now I can! But in the same time, I feel there is something in the way. When the call is finished I let this emotion coming, and I feel kind of betrayed, for at that time I told I couldn't come for I had sudden money problem, and they told me to come anyway, my call was so strong. I didn't remember we've talked about the fact I will pay later. So I was feeling "come freely, and now being asked to pay the bill!" Erik told me it has nothing to do with them, and I know it, it's with God. And I really feel betrayed by God. I feel having been "attracted" by receiving everything freely to show me obviously my path, and now he is asking me something in "return", and I feel kind of stuck in that path now. I've tursted him, I've followed the call and now I am there with all that! That's what I feel...
And I just realized that it's me, only me, not God external to me, separated. I know it! But still, I bite to the ego game. For even my relationship with Erik it's difficult for me to feel responsible of having received what I asked for. Sometimes I feel I didn't chose him, he was imposed to me. And I know it's not true at all... but in those "ego crisis" I want him to be so much guilty for me! I want him to be the cause of what I am living. So sometimes I think that if he wasn't in my life everything would be easier. (yes I wouldn't have a daily mirror reflecting my thoughts!!) Again, I can't be the "responsible" of what I feel, so he has to be guilty of something, so I am not in touch with what I am going through, I am outside!
Lunch time we all eat together with my father too, it's very nice, so much laughter! The joining happen, and I could see my parents differently.
Later I hear Erik talking to my mother about the fact that I want to pretend my beliefs are the good ones, but really all that is just beliefs!! I am not with them, but I hear this part of the conversation, and only this! And immediately I feel betrayed again, and start to hate him, so much. the story I make up is "even to my mother he is trying to show I am wrong and he is the good one, the kind one..!" I know everything is the ego, but it's so strong. More than that I start to judge myself being unable to live something else than what I am going through. I have all the power to change and I just feel so powerless facing all what I am going through. I ask Jesus to show me the truth. he does it, but a new story starts immediately. I feel so unable to be happy, so stuck in those old patterns, so guilty, so unworthy even, that I am thinking it would be easier to die than go on with this, I can't do something. I am still here, and it's so painful. I hate Erik more and more, for he even doesn't come to see if I am ok, nor to talk with me. I know I could talk to him, but I can't, and I'd want so much that he would come to talk with me, but it never happens, so the hatrid is "justified" in the ego mind. He doesn't care about me! And in the same time I live the uncomfort of still having all those emotions thinking Erik is still judging me for having them. Finally I feel becoming crazy with all that turning in my mind, right/wrong mind... who is talking, what is true... I scary myself, so after a while I decide to go to the castle and talk with Keith and Christiane, they are the only one available here to whom I can talk trully about what I am going through. I feel also stuck to be to my parents for I think I can't express my emotions. So I take my mother's car and go, without saying anything to anybody!
I burst into tears when I see Keith and he take me in his arms. then I tell everything I see, feel, think, all the hatrid for everybody, all the shame I have for having all those emotions too, and I also feel judged by Erik for having so many emotions, even if he hasn't talk to me!
They just listen to me, silently. I spend the evening there, receiving silently all the love and tenderness from Christiane, and their presence. There are also a lot of emotions going on there! It seems to be an orchestrated "meeting".
Around midnight I decide to go back, I want to be with Erik and share with him. I feel coming back to live at the castle tomorrow, that's the place where I feel it is the most helpfull for now, not knowing anything else.
When I come back, I don't say anything. Erik tells me that he would like to talk to me but he doesn't know how, and that he has some fears. My heart is wide opened at that time, facing his truth in the now, and then he tells me he perceive hostility. At that time, I feel nothing else but love, what I was still keeping one moment before had just vanished miraculously and I propose him to come in my arm. And so we are in the arms of each other. I am so happy of the way I reacted, I don't recognize the angry girl! I feel being the observor, and being guided. I am so happy...
This morning (tuesday), when I get up, my mum talks to me about the way I was the day before, and what she felt. She completely opens her heart about me, our relationship, what she would like to live instead what we are living. It's so beautiful, I am so touched and so happy. She asks me a lot of questions about the way we live our life, what we practice, and I let the Spirit pouring through me. It's so great. She is so happy of that joining, and I am too. I tell her we leave later in the day to go back to the castle for it's there I feel being, but we could meet together for lunch or spend some time later. Hugs, kisses and so much love. I am so grateful about all what she shared, it showed me a lot about my beliefs too. Few time before, I had given the thought that I couldn't express my emotions here with them, and then asked Jesus to be in charge of my day, my thoughts and my words, and my mother was crying so much! See how it's always my beliefs about the other!! As for example that I was afraid to tell her what I was exactly doing and I thought she would be ashamed to share it with her friends, but she told me the opposite! what they think about that is not her problem. So I took this belief back to me;-))
And she told me that often she is inspired by what I share and think she could apply this principles to her life too. So I felt to give her "only one mind" in French and she started to read it. And she told me she thinks it will be really good for her!!!!
And later the joining with my father showed again how he has a big heart too, and want to join, in his way.
My perception has completely changed, I gave the beliefs to Jesus and it come back to me by reflecting it.
So finally we left, I am compeltely at peace, with both of my parents, and feeling so much love and gratitude for all what I lived. It's really always in my mind, I still saw it so much!
With love
Armelle
Jan 12, 2010
The lesson is ALWAYS my own.
Erik: Well, I had an amazing experience with Armelle last night that I feel strongly to share, as it was a HUGE undoing for my old belief system. It seems that the Holy Spirit is just taking me deeper down the rabbit-hole than I've ever been comfortable with going before.
As I wrote yesterday, Armelle was seemingly going through a LOT of negative emotions. What seemed worse was that she wasn't sharing them with me verbally, but was (in my perception anyway) just walking around with a very hostile and defensive attitude. It has been a repeating pattern in our relationship, and yesterday's article was a reflection of my desire to find a permanent solution... which I know MUST exist and must exist SOLELY in my own mind. For if I am truly the "dreamer of the dream" as the Course teaches, then this must be MY lesson and not hers. I knew that if I wanted to be truly helpful (to both of us), I needed to really have the EXPERIENCE of seeing that she is not a separate mind outside of my own, but simply an outside picture of my own inner belief system. And that if I'm reacting with ANY loss of peace, it must NOT be because of her, but only because of which belief system I'm giving power to (the ego's or the Holy Spirit's). Only by such a complete reversal of my perception would healing for all be possible.
So after I wrote the blog yesterday, I began to really practice watching my mind and being vigilant for questioning my assumptions. Then last night, it felt like the Holy Spirit gave me what felt like a "Final Exam" for this day of mind-watching. It felt like a BIG and challenging "test" that, if I "passed" it, would serve to strengthen what I'd been practicing all day and be a leap into much deeper peace.
It started when Armelle came back to the house late at night after having left for several hours during the evening. She had left without telling me where she was going, and I felt that she was still VERY upset about something. I had some ideas about what she might be upset about, but I chose to focus NOT on my own ideas about what SHE might be upset about, but rather on looking for the cause of upset in my OWN mind.
Anyway, when she came back late at night, I was in the bedroom doing stuff on the internet, and she got into bed without saying much. She still seemed upset and closed to me. We were both silent for several uncomfortable minutes, and then finally, when I felt that I was feeling relatively at peace, I asked her how her evening was. She gave a quick, "Good" and I interpreted this as her not wanting to talk. After a couple more minutes of silence, she then said in a tone which I felt had a hint of sarcasm to it, "How was YOUR evening? Perhaps you were asking me how my evening was because you wanted to tell me about yours?" Trying to be pleasant, I then told her basically what I had been doing... studying French some more, reading some of David's writings, and meditating a bit. She responded by saying, very sarcastically, something about how she would have "hoped that our relationship was at the level where I might share something a bit deeper about my day and not so "surface-level" but that perhaps she was wrong about me." Ouch.
It felt like a very hostile attack, and I chose not to respond, as it seemed that she was just very upset about something and was LOOKING to find fault in me so that she could have a scapegoat for her anger. For the next several minutes of silence, I felt VERY uncomfortable, because part of me was sorely tempted to try what I 'd tried so many times in the past and failed, which would have been to say something to break the tension like, "So what are you upset about? I'm here for you if you want to talk, you know?". My ego would have me believe that this was the "compassionate" approach, but I realized that if said ANYTHING while still feeling even a TINY degree of discomfort, it would only serve to strengthen the ego in us both.
I also heard Ken Wapnick in my mind saying something I'd heard him say once: "When you TRY to be loving, you are NOT being loving. When you TRY to be kind, you are NOT being kind." He went on to say that it is only the ego that TRIES to be loving, and that when we are aligned with the Holy Spirit, Love just NATURALLY pours through us, and there is no feeling of "trying" at all.
So I began to really switch my focus from being on her and how she seemed to be feeling, to tuning into to how I was really feeling. I began to turn inwardly to the Spirit and ask for help. On the surface, I could see that I was feeling defensive, and that underneath the defensiveness was fear. It seemed to be a fear of "messing up", of being attacked, and of being hated or disliked by Armelle, but underneath it, I realized was the fear of having my "shame" exposed and of being destroyed by God. I knew that all of this guilt and fear was the result of my DESIRE to believe that separation is possible, and yet it felt SO real to me that I didn't feel like I could break through that belief on my own.
So finally, in a state of true humility, I said to Armelle, "I feel like I don't know how to respond or what to say right now. I'm afraid. I perceive hostility, and I'm afraid."
In my perception, what seemed to happen next was that she, still in what seemed like a defensive posture, said, "Are you willing to take full responsibility for what you feel? Are you willing to see that this hostility you perceive is being shown to you only as a reflection of your own mind?" While I could hear my ego screaching, "No, this is YOUR fault!", I knew that wasn't the voice that would bring me peace, and that I truly WAS willing to take responsibility for my own perception. So I said "Yes" while feeling like I was shaking inside.
What happened next, was a miracle. She suddenly seemed to shift into a state of complete openness and love for me. She said "I love you." and I could feel it, and then asked me to come closer so she could hold me. I did, and rested in her arms as she gently stroked my hair as if I was her beloved baby. It was an INCREDIBLY humbling experience for me. At first, I could hear my ego raging inside even more, saying, "What??? YOU are not the one who has all the emotional problems! She is!!! She is the one who's been non-communicative all day, who said all those hurtful things to you, and who is unwilling to take responsibility herself! Why should you be the one to take responsibility and humble yourself to her! Where is HER willingness to be humble?? She's the one that needs healing FAR more than you do!"
And yet, I'd been down that road too many times. I'd listened to that voice telling me those things so many times, and it had never resulted in anything good, and so I was started to learn that it must be lying to me. I didn't want to continue believing the story I'd been telling myself about "Erik and Armelle being these two spiritual people where Erik is the calm and more enlightened one, and Armelle is the more emotional one who has a bit more mind-training to do before she'll catch up with Erik." I am tired of that way of thinking. All it seems to be giving me is a false sense of superiority, and lots of painful experiences.
At that moment of resting in her arms I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was TRULY the only one who was delusional. I opened my mind to the real possibility that all my old perceptions about there being "many people, all at different levels of spiritual enlightenment" was just a huge delusion I'd been living in, and that I, as the dreamer of this insane dream, was the ONLY one who needed help!
As I began to seriously open up to this realization that I, and ONLY I, had been the mistaken one all along... I began to get in touch with a very DEEP terror. It was the terror of waking up once and for all. I saw the possibility of permanent release from the dream of bodies, and it scared the hell out of me! Yet, the glimpse was powerful, and I feel that I'm one step closer to accepting the Atonement - that the separation REALLY never happened and that the world I perceive doesn't exist at all.
This morning I was reading the transcript of one of David's talks on the "Teacher of Teachers" website (http://teacherofteachers.net) and he was talking about how the only problem is the belief that loss is possible. Contemplating the idea that there IS no loss has been a theme for me today, and my state of mind has been feeling much more abstract and peaceful than usual. I'm also seeing that Armelle's state of mind seems to be a barometer for where my own mind is at. When I'm truly resting in the miraculous realization that loss is impossible, I perceive her as my savior. But when I start to slip into the perception of separate bodies, I become afraid and defensive. I fear being disliked by her and then my behavior seems to reinforce this fear by causing me to act in ways that sponsor moments of disharmony between us.
So that's where I'm at today. I'm learning to stay vigilantly aware that the problem is always in my mind, and ONLY in my mind. And then I can accept the Holy Spirit's correction. I still feel afraid, but I also feel VERY hopeful! The walls of false understanding that I built within are beginning to crack more and more, and at last... the Light is beginning to stream in to fill my mind with the experience of God's peace. My deepest prayer is only that my faith will continue to deepen more each day, until the walls have disappeared completely...
All my Love to you always, for you are truly my Savior.
Erik
As I wrote yesterday, Armelle was seemingly going through a LOT of negative emotions. What seemed worse was that she wasn't sharing them with me verbally, but was (in my perception anyway) just walking around with a very hostile and defensive attitude. It has been a repeating pattern in our relationship, and yesterday's article was a reflection of my desire to find a permanent solution... which I know MUST exist and must exist SOLELY in my own mind. For if I am truly the "dreamer of the dream" as the Course teaches, then this must be MY lesson and not hers. I knew that if I wanted to be truly helpful (to both of us), I needed to really have the EXPERIENCE of seeing that she is not a separate mind outside of my own, but simply an outside picture of my own inner belief system. And that if I'm reacting with ANY loss of peace, it must NOT be because of her, but only because of which belief system I'm giving power to (the ego's or the Holy Spirit's). Only by such a complete reversal of my perception would healing for all be possible.
So after I wrote the blog yesterday, I began to really practice watching my mind and being vigilant for questioning my assumptions. Then last night, it felt like the Holy Spirit gave me what felt like a "Final Exam" for this day of mind-watching. It felt like a BIG and challenging "test" that, if I "passed" it, would serve to strengthen what I'd been practicing all day and be a leap into much deeper peace.
It started when Armelle came back to the house late at night after having left for several hours during the evening. She had left without telling me where she was going, and I felt that she was still VERY upset about something. I had some ideas about what she might be upset about, but I chose to focus NOT on my own ideas about what SHE might be upset about, but rather on looking for the cause of upset in my OWN mind.
Anyway, when she came back late at night, I was in the bedroom doing stuff on the internet, and she got into bed without saying much. She still seemed upset and closed to me. We were both silent for several uncomfortable minutes, and then finally, when I felt that I was feeling relatively at peace, I asked her how her evening was. She gave a quick, "Good" and I interpreted this as her not wanting to talk. After a couple more minutes of silence, she then said in a tone which I felt had a hint of sarcasm to it, "How was YOUR evening? Perhaps you were asking me how my evening was because you wanted to tell me about yours?" Trying to be pleasant, I then told her basically what I had been doing... studying French some more, reading some of David's writings, and meditating a bit. She responded by saying, very sarcastically, something about how she would have "hoped that our relationship was at the level where I might share something a bit deeper about my day and not so "surface-level" but that perhaps she was wrong about me." Ouch.
It felt like a very hostile attack, and I chose not to respond, as it seemed that she was just very upset about something and was LOOKING to find fault in me so that she could have a scapegoat for her anger. For the next several minutes of silence, I felt VERY uncomfortable, because part of me was sorely tempted to try what I 'd tried so many times in the past and failed, which would have been to say something to break the tension like, "So what are you upset about? I'm here for you if you want to talk, you know?". My ego would have me believe that this was the "compassionate" approach, but I realized that if said ANYTHING while still feeling even a TINY degree of discomfort, it would only serve to strengthen the ego in us both.
I also heard Ken Wapnick in my mind saying something I'd heard him say once: "When you TRY to be loving, you are NOT being loving. When you TRY to be kind, you are NOT being kind." He went on to say that it is only the ego that TRIES to be loving, and that when we are aligned with the Holy Spirit, Love just NATURALLY pours through us, and there is no feeling of "trying" at all.
So I began to really switch my focus from being on her and how she seemed to be feeling, to tuning into to how I was really feeling. I began to turn inwardly to the Spirit and ask for help. On the surface, I could see that I was feeling defensive, and that underneath the defensiveness was fear. It seemed to be a fear of "messing up", of being attacked, and of being hated or disliked by Armelle, but underneath it, I realized was the fear of having my "shame" exposed and of being destroyed by God. I knew that all of this guilt and fear was the result of my DESIRE to believe that separation is possible, and yet it felt SO real to me that I didn't feel like I could break through that belief on my own.
So finally, in a state of true humility, I said to Armelle, "I feel like I don't know how to respond or what to say right now. I'm afraid. I perceive hostility, and I'm afraid."
In my perception, what seemed to happen next was that she, still in what seemed like a defensive posture, said, "Are you willing to take full responsibility for what you feel? Are you willing to see that this hostility you perceive is being shown to you only as a reflection of your own mind?" While I could hear my ego screaching, "No, this is YOUR fault!", I knew that wasn't the voice that would bring me peace, and that I truly WAS willing to take responsibility for my own perception. So I said "Yes" while feeling like I was shaking inside.
What happened next, was a miracle. She suddenly seemed to shift into a state of complete openness and love for me. She said "I love you." and I could feel it, and then asked me to come closer so she could hold me. I did, and rested in her arms as she gently stroked my hair as if I was her beloved baby. It was an INCREDIBLY humbling experience for me. At first, I could hear my ego raging inside even more, saying, "What??? YOU are not the one who has all the emotional problems! She is!!! She is the one who's been non-communicative all day, who said all those hurtful things to you, and who is unwilling to take responsibility herself! Why should you be the one to take responsibility and humble yourself to her! Where is HER willingness to be humble?? She's the one that needs healing FAR more than you do!"
And yet, I'd been down that road too many times. I'd listened to that voice telling me those things so many times, and it had never resulted in anything good, and so I was started to learn that it must be lying to me. I didn't want to continue believing the story I'd been telling myself about "Erik and Armelle being these two spiritual people where Erik is the calm and more enlightened one, and Armelle is the more emotional one who has a bit more mind-training to do before she'll catch up with Erik." I am tired of that way of thinking. All it seems to be giving me is a false sense of superiority, and lots of painful experiences.
At that moment of resting in her arms I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was TRULY the only one who was delusional. I opened my mind to the real possibility that all my old perceptions about there being "many people, all at different levels of spiritual enlightenment" was just a huge delusion I'd been living in, and that I, as the dreamer of this insane dream, was the ONLY one who needed help!
As I began to seriously open up to this realization that I, and ONLY I, had been the mistaken one all along... I began to get in touch with a very DEEP terror. It was the terror of waking up once and for all. I saw the possibility of permanent release from the dream of bodies, and it scared the hell out of me! Yet, the glimpse was powerful, and I feel that I'm one step closer to accepting the Atonement - that the separation REALLY never happened and that the world I perceive doesn't exist at all.
This morning I was reading the transcript of one of David's talks on the "Teacher of Teachers" website (http://teacherofteachers.net) and he was talking about how the only problem is the belief that loss is possible. Contemplating the idea that there IS no loss has been a theme for me today, and my state of mind has been feeling much more abstract and peaceful than usual. I'm also seeing that Armelle's state of mind seems to be a barometer for where my own mind is at. When I'm truly resting in the miraculous realization that loss is impossible, I perceive her as my savior. But when I start to slip into the perception of separate bodies, I become afraid and defensive. I fear being disliked by her and then my behavior seems to reinforce this fear by causing me to act in ways that sponsor moments of disharmony between us.
So that's where I'm at today. I'm learning to stay vigilantly aware that the problem is always in my mind, and ONLY in my mind. And then I can accept the Holy Spirit's correction. I still feel afraid, but I also feel VERY hopeful! The walls of false understanding that I built within are beginning to crack more and more, and at last... the Light is beginning to stream in to fill my mind with the experience of God's peace. My deepest prayer is only that my faith will continue to deepen more each day, until the walls have disappeared completely...
All my Love to you always, for you are truly my Savior.
Erik
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