The lesson is ALWAYS my own.

Erik: Well, I had an amazing experience with Armelle last night that I feel strongly to share, as it was a HUGE undoing for my old belief system. It seems that the Holy Spirit is just taking me deeper down the rabbit-hole than I've ever been comfortable with going before.

As I wrote yesterday, Armelle was seemingly going through a LOT of negative emotions. What seemed worse was that she wasn't sharing them with me verbally, but was (in my perception anyway) just walking around with a very hostile and defensive attitude. It has been a repeating pattern in our relationship, and yesterday's article was a reflection of my desire to find a permanent solution... which I know MUST exist and must exist SOLELY in my own mind. For if I am truly the "dreamer of the dream" as the Course teaches, then this must be MY lesson and not hers. I knew that if I wanted to be truly helpful (to both of us), I needed to really have the EXPERIENCE of seeing that she is not a separate mind outside of my own, but simply an outside picture of my own inner belief system. And that if I'm reacting with ANY loss of peace, it must NOT be because of her, but only because of which belief system I'm giving power to (the ego's or the Holy Spirit's). Only by such a complete reversal of my perception would healing for all be possible.

So after I wrote the blog yesterday, I began to really practice watching my mind and being vigilant for questioning my assumptions. Then last night, it felt like the Holy Spirit gave me what felt like a "Final Exam" for this day of mind-watching. It felt like a BIG and challenging "test" that, if I "passed" it, would serve to strengthen what I'd been practicing all day and be a leap into much deeper peace.

It started when Armelle came back to the house late at night after having left for several hours during the evening. She had left without telling me where she was going, and I felt that she was still VERY upset about something. I had some ideas about what she might be upset about, but I chose to focus NOT on my own ideas about what SHE might be upset about, but rather on looking for the cause of upset in my OWN mind.

Anyway, when she came back late at night, I was in the bedroom doing stuff on the internet, and she got into bed without saying much. She still seemed upset and closed to me. We were both silent for several uncomfortable minutes, and then finally, when I felt that I was feeling relatively at peace, I asked her how her evening was. She gave a quick, "Good" and I interpreted this as her not wanting to talk. After a couple more minutes of silence, she then said in a tone which I felt had a hint of sarcasm to it, "How was YOUR evening? Perhaps you were asking me how my evening was because you wanted to tell me about yours?" Trying to be pleasant, I then told her basically what I had been doing... studying French some more, reading some of David's writings, and meditating a bit. She responded by saying, very sarcastically, something about how she would have "hoped that our relationship was at the level where I might share something a bit deeper about my day and not so "surface-level" but that perhaps she was wrong about me." Ouch.

It felt like a very hostile attack, and I chose not to respond, as it seemed that she was just very upset about something and was LOOKING to find fault in me so that she could have a scapegoat for her anger. For the next several minutes of silence, I felt VERY uncomfortable, because part of me was sorely tempted to try what I 'd tried so many times in the past and failed, which would have been to say something to break the tension like, "So what are you upset about? I'm here for you if you want to talk, you know?". My ego would have me believe that this was the "compassionate" approach, but I realized that if said ANYTHING while still feeling even a TINY degree of discomfort, it would only serve to strengthen the ego in us both.

I also heard Ken Wapnick in my mind saying something I'd heard him say once: "When you TRY to be loving, you are NOT being loving. When you TRY to be kind, you are NOT being kind." He went on to say that it is only the ego that TRIES to be loving, and that when we are aligned with the Holy Spirit, Love just NATURALLY pours through us, and there is no feeling of "trying" at all.

So I began to really switch my focus from being on her and how she seemed to be feeling, to tuning into to how I was really feeling. I began to turn inwardly to the Spirit and ask for help. On the surface, I could see that I was feeling defensive, and that underneath the defensiveness was fear. It seemed to be a fear of "messing up", of being attacked, and of being hated or disliked by Armelle, but underneath it, I realized was the fear of having my "shame" exposed and of being destroyed by God. I knew that all of this guilt and fear was the result of my DESIRE to believe that separation is possible, and yet it felt SO real to me that I didn't feel like I could break through that belief on my own.

So finally, in a state of true humility, I said to Armelle, "I feel like I don't know how to respond or what to say right now. I'm afraid. I perceive hostility, and I'm afraid."

In my perception, what seemed to happen next was that she, still in what seemed like a defensive posture, said, "Are you willing to take full responsibility for what you feel? Are you willing to see that this hostility you perceive is being shown to you only as a reflection of your own mind?" While I could hear my ego screaching, "No, this is YOUR fault!", I knew that wasn't the voice that would bring me peace, and that I truly WAS willing to take responsibility for my own perception. So I said "Yes" while feeling like I was shaking inside.

What happened next, was a miracle. She suddenly seemed to shift into a state of complete openness and love for me. She said "I love you." and I could feel it, and then asked me to come closer so she could hold me. I did, and rested in her arms as she gently stroked my hair as if I was her beloved baby. It was an INCREDIBLY humbling experience for me. At first, I could hear my ego raging inside even more, saying, "What??? YOU are not the one who has all the emotional problems! She is!!! She is the one who's been non-communicative all day, who said all those hurtful things to you, and who is unwilling to take responsibility herself! Why should you be the one to take responsibility and humble yourself to her! Where is HER willingness to be humble?? She's the one that needs healing FAR more than you do!"

And yet, I'd been down that road too many times. I'd listened to that voice telling me those things so many times, and it had never resulted in anything good, and so I was started to learn that it must be lying to me. I didn't want to continue believing the story I'd been telling myself about "Erik and Armelle being these two spiritual people where Erik is the calm and more enlightened one, and Armelle is the more emotional one who has a bit more mind-training to do before she'll catch up with Erik." I am tired of that way of thinking. All it seems to be giving me is a false sense of superiority, and lots of painful experiences.

At that moment of resting in her arms I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was TRULY the only one who was delusional. I opened my mind to the real possibility that all my old perceptions about there being "many people, all at different levels of spiritual enlightenment" was just a huge delusion I'd been living in, and that I, as the dreamer of this insane dream, was the ONLY one who needed help!

As I began to seriously open up to this realization that I, and ONLY I, had been the mistaken one all along... I began to get in touch with a very DEEP terror. It was the terror of waking up once and for all. I saw the possibility of permanent release from the dream of bodies, and it scared the hell out of me! Yet, the glimpse was powerful, and I feel that I'm one step closer to accepting the Atonement - that the separation REALLY never happened and that the world I perceive doesn't exist at all.

This morning I was reading the transcript of one of David's talks on the "Teacher of Teachers" website (http://teacherofteachers.net) and he was talking about how the only problem is the belief that loss is possible. Contemplating the idea that there IS no loss has been a theme for me today, and my state of mind has been feeling much more abstract and peaceful than usual. I'm also seeing that Armelle's state of mind seems to be a barometer for where my own mind is at. When I'm truly resting in the miraculous realization that loss is impossible, I perceive her as my savior. But when I start to slip into the perception of separate bodies, I become afraid and defensive. I fear being disliked by her and then my behavior seems to reinforce this fear by causing me to act in ways that sponsor moments of disharmony between us.

So that's where I'm at today. I'm learning to stay vigilantly aware that the problem is always in my mind, and ONLY in my mind. And then I can accept the Holy Spirit's correction. I still feel afraid, but I also feel VERY hopeful! The walls of false understanding that I built within are beginning to crack more and more, and at last... the Light is beginning to stream in to fill my mind with the experience of God's peace. My deepest prayer is only that my faith will continue to deepen more each day, until the walls have disappeared completely...

All my Love to you always, for you are truly my Savior.
Erik