One week at the Living Miracle Monastery in Utah, with devoted Brothers and Sisters... A deep Life Changing Experience!
18 hours travel and 3 differents airports to go from San Francisco to Salt Lake City. I felt having been lost, in Purpose, not knowing where I am, forgetting who I thought I was...
One day later, I arrived there, warmly welcomed by Kerri and JP, to start.
This week had for themes communing with everyone and everything, collaborating and knowing my deep Innocence....
Healing the pride
I immediately dove into the healing... starting by having the cleaning of the bathhouse as project; the first reaction was anger (pride surfacing) and almost simultaneously bubbles of Joy were exploding in my heart. I was so happy to be given that opportunity again where I've been having so much stuff coming up and rebelliousness. It was such a great opportunity to heal the pride and unworthiness still there, as well as coming into the Miracle that I've been experiencing when I was cleaning the PeaceHouse last year, where the only that mattered, once expressed all the blocks and beliefs, was to extend the love in everything, giving to all. It wasn't at all about cleaning anything! As it always is... just about love!
I started my project after the expression session, singing, and feeling so much love for everything.
Undoing the doer and collaboration
As I had expressed at Lisa the huge desire for collaboration and coming into that flow and wonderful experience of linking with my Brothers, one hour later, my prayer was answered (and it was just the beginning of it). We had to carry the wood under the roof, and were all there, in line, passing piece of wood by piece of wood to the one by our side. I felt so loved by my Father. As soon as we started I looked Frances, who was on my right, in the eyes, and saw an angel. On the left there was Ben and I connected with him too, and immediately I felt that it's what's all about... nothing to do with the wood, nothing to do with doing... and since that moment, I didn't look at the piece of wood that I was receiving, carrying and giving, but only in the eyes of those two angels... it was as if every time we were saying to each other "I know who you are" and suddenly the wood had no weight anymore, and I felt like if I was dancing the waltz. We were giggling and laughing as the love was pouring through... It's never about doing anything, but about extending Love, falling in Love, being in Love
Pull to be perfect OUT!
The evening we had a Joy session where Anna Carol poured her heart in, sharing her love through the Universal Dances, which were about "opening up" and then finished by singing. I felt singing that song that I wrote three months ago in Sweden and for which Erik and I didn't come to put the music on. It felt very given and so joyous so I did, without any music. And it was fabulous, for it was just about pouring my heart out, not about being perfect! Being in the Joy and extending... This song has for title "I Am", that's what it was about!! At the end of the evening, Kris offered me to put some music on it, which felt really great!! Thank You....
Innocent NOW!
Twice a week, Kerri is giving a MMT session, and this one was about guidance. This was so perfect to me as I was sharing the day before that I wasn't trusting myself that much when it was coming to guidance, for I was still so afraid of making a mistake.
The session started by the title "Innocent Now = Worthy Now, Joy Now"
I just had a call with Erik right before, where I've been angry, and it felt that this session was about deeply seeing what was playing with him.
It started when Leila shared that once we've identified the wrong thinking, and when it comes, we can unplug it immediately. So I wrote the thought that was always playing with Erik when the ego was involved. Then I wrote down how I was using this relationship, to reinforce what? Seeing that I was still giving more importance to Erik than to God, wanting to be in relationship with Erik instead of being in relationship with God (the Self however you want to call it) and extending the love from there, still wanting to having it my way and not necessarily how it's given, trying to controle it, wanting to be a priority for Erik, making him being a priority to me even prior to following my guidance sometimes and I still project on him to keep the conflict and the separation going on.
Then came the biggest part.... I saw that in spite of what I thought, what I was doing, I didn't want to be worthy!! For, WHO WILL I BE IF I AM NOT UNWORTHY ANYMORE?
This is my whole identity, the core of who I take myself to be, how I know me, me , me... And I was putting so much pressure onto me if I am worthy, creating a new identity, the one worthy.. I'll have to live up to some new standards, always being in the joy, never being upset anymore, demonstrate that only, being responsible ... being perfect actually! What an unnecessary pressure... Avoiding it, to keep the littleness going on, not having to be responsible for my state of mind, always being a victim of the mind, the ego, the thoughts, emotions.... NO, NO, NO! WOW, so much clarity.
Then I saw that I couldn't believe Erik, and everyone, could trully love me because I am so unworthy and so he (they) must be people pleasing me. So sometimes I was taking their love for an attack, a disguised hatrid, false empathy for they know how unworthy I feel, they see it, so they are not true with me, they do that for me to feel worthy, and actually it reinforces the feeling of unworthiness!
But NO ONE is doing anything! I was doing that to myself, using everyone for reinforcing it, the beliefs in my mind about me!
And at the end, my eyes stopped once again on the title "INNOCENT NOW = WORTHY NOW"
And wow... huge! I saw that I was still not following the guidance, even if I hear it, and doing things my way, in order to AGAIN reinforce the belief in unworthiness, so that everybody could see that I am not worthy, not trust worthy, rebellious, etc, and proving that I am not lovable, at the end, so that I keep my individuality! Not following the guidance to reinforce the unworthiness and then projecting judgements from others (which others???), fear of consequences, fear of rejection, abandonment!!
It felt such a release to see that, see how it plays out, how it is kept running.
No consequences from the past
Later I called Erik to share with him, but had no answer. When I was in my bed, I had some fear that he would leave me because of the call we had. I had gone too far. And felt fearful of being abandoned. In that moment, there was also a seeing that it is not possible that if he was to leave me it would be because of that phone call. It would be that it is what's happening, because it was meant to be that way. For there is nothing from the past that causes what I'm living in the Present. What I am feeling now, is my present choice, my present decision; and here I was given the opportunity to look at the fear of consequences and abandonment! wow...
Deep clarity
I woke up during the night hearing "you are not a body", and being in the feeling I experienced the day before when I was playing intuitive piano, there was a moment in which there was no sensations, no feeling, there was just the hands moving on the keybord, but no one moving it; it felt just like watching a scene in a movie. And in that moment, there was a recognition that clearly I am not the body! Then I felt such a clarity, a deep clarity, never experienced before... I felt so immerged in the light, and as quiet as I was, I was also seeing a little girl running everywhere around the Monastery, looking in all directions, and shouting "oh my God, it's everywhere, it's everywhere. there isn't one place where it is not... oh my God" and she was so happy, and unstoppable.
The game of the littleness vs the Certainty of Christ
During the stay I've been watching a lot the behaviors that were coming from the littleness, from the fear of shining, the desire for being taken care by someone, getting attention from someone, the fear of Love really that where it leads and how all those are playing out in my life over and over again... and how once seen and exposed, they don't have any power and there is room for the Love of Christ to shine through and guide the way!
One evening, I joined with JP with which I felt a deep connection, and I shared all what I was seeing. I could feel there was a lot of love, and as we were talking about joining together later, I saw the game of "I am so afraid of love", that I've already been seeing so many times. And more and more even when saying it, it didn't resonate anymore, it didn't feel true at all. I left for a moment and during that time I realized the play of that littleness, everything was seen so clearly! So when I came back, I told him, "I'm fed up of being afraid of Love, it doesn't even seem true anymore, I just want to go for it" It was so powerful, like a celebration for me! yeahhhhhh
The day after, we spent most of the morning together, and it was really funny because it was really about allowing that Love to pour through us, through our joining, and extending it to everyone who came to us or that we met during the day. It was such a demonstration of communion and extension. The whole day I felt bathing in Love, going from extending to deep meditations to extending...
Sharing the Gift of Inner Dance
I was really offered the FULL experience of the Monastery... Such an intensity, such a depth and a welcoming... One evening, I offered an Inner Dance Session right before the prayer night. One participant shared how deep it was for her and that it revelead that deep love which was pouring through her as dancing, and it's exactly what this si about... reconnecting with that Flow, that deep Love, our Essence, undoing everything we thought that dance was, as well as the dancer, and being danced through. It's always so beautiful for me to share it...I feel so blessed by the Spirit for that Gift. And for me, it's about bringing that into everything I'm doing, into the daily activies... being done through, this is the meaning of "I need do nothing".
Lifting the veil
Every morning, there is a Miracle Moment, which is an opportunity for one different person every day, to express a miracle, an insight, an undoing, healing, or a reading... Since I knew the date it was coming for me, I've been hearing "lifting the veil section"... I tried to find it in the contents without success. The day arrived, and all what I was hearing was "lifting the veil" but didn't find it. Until one moment, I felt it was in the "four obstacles" section. And here it was... I read it, without any confidence of what I was supposed to read... it's so long! (ah ah, as if the HS was thinking about that!!) One part took my attention, and I felt starting there. Then I heard that the theme of the day will be "My Brother is My Savior", as I was realizing the evening before how others are such a great gift for me, and seeing that where the fear and the littleness were playing again, there was an opportunity for growing, healing the belief of what I am not, and here I was seeing that what I was seeing in two of my Brothers, was the reflection of my fears, and an opportunity for me to come in the Certainty of Christ, it was so fabulous! so yes, the theme was really matching with my Gratitude... Once everybody there, I started to read and felt so deeply guided to what to read, passing over some passages to another one, sharing some realizations I had, as well as ending by the prayer at the end of the chapter 15 form the Course. It was so powerful for me, following so deeply, hearing so clearly Jesus, feeling so guided in everything. Three days before I was saying that I wasn't trusting me to hear the guidance, and how willing I was to hear it so clearly... and here it was! Lifting the veil, the fear of Love, of God, of my Innocence, of my Worthiness. Communing with my Brothers, joining, sharing all the Love, and removing the blocks... all the private thoughts that make us being fearful, shameful, etc... but we are not our thoughts! We are the changeless Love and Light, infinite and unlimited!
Falling in Love
I left the Monastery, the heart full of Love, having received the greatest Gift of all... Such a deep feeling of Innocence, a deep recognition which felt being the open door to Truth, to Love fully... And the two angels that welcomed me, Kerri and JP, were two wonderful reflection of me in that... one sharing his experience of it, the other reminding me to come back to that over and over, for this is the main thing!!! NO matter what's seems to happen on the screen, I am, YOu are Innocent! So let's fall in love with everything and everyone. As Erik has told me several times, this all what this path is about... falling in Love!
Hugging everyone, and receiving soooooo much Love from each of them, as giving everything... no holding back! In my experience, I felt we were all falling in Love with each other, revealing that so bright Light that We All Are.
It was so huge! I was in the car with JP, and couldn't say a word and still was ready to explode!!!!! He looked at me smiling, and it kind helped me to! So much Joy, laughter, Love. The car was full of Love as he said! So true...
Deep communion
We went to the Lighthouse before I left, working on some projects with high speed internet. Once those done, we started to do some music together and using that as a tool to deeply commune in the Spirit, seeing and sharing the blocks, and coming deeper in that Love and Joy. We made one song, so simple and so powerful though. When he played the music, I had that image of a little boy running in the field, and he felt something like that too. That was exactly it, Joy, Freedom and Innocence... this is what is all about.
That communion deepened as we were allowing the Spirit to pour through and going on sharing the private thoughts, following the guidance, and staying in the Presence. It felt as if time had stopped and there was only NOW.
Extending - Giving to keep
On the way to the airport, we met our friend, Melissa to whom we had the great opportunity to share all that Love that was pouring through, and reminding our Innocence, as well as how important it is to be gentle with ourselves. We don't need to push ourseleves through fear to undo, or heal... no pressure! Just being gentle... and letting Him lead the way. All that can be so loving, so joyful, so smooth and gentle... this was another step in the deepening of that for me who has been so hard with me that last year!
In the Strength of the Spirit
I feel my mind is so strengthened in the Truth. My already deep devotion to God's plan is sooooo deepened. My deep Love for Jesus is shining so brightly... I found again the little girl who was talking to Him almost everyday and running to go to church to hang on the cords and ringing the bells... the one who was singing in the chorus... the one who was playing the angel in the living crèche at Christmas... the one who was so spontaneous, so bubbling, so alive, so loving... Nothing can stop it! Everything is seen so fast, so clearly... and I can choose Peace instead of this...
In the Course, Jesus says something like... we will walk two by two through the ark, we won't go without our Brother... and unless you become as little children again, you won't go to the Kingdom of Heaven...
THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU, thank You God to have created Me as You, thank You Jesus for speaking to me louder, and pouring your Love on me and shining through me, thank You everyone for being, having been a part of my Life.
I Love You All
Armelle
