May 9th
Jesus, today I could see how the pride is covering over the fear of being seen as unworthy. It manifested in different ways, the first being posting my journaling of yesterday on which there were full of judgements and doubts about whom was really answering me, that it couldn’t be you. It keeps being a trick to make me stop journaling and exposing the false self-concept, using the reinforcement of pride and the fear of being judged as untrustworthy because of those sharings.
The second one being my clothes, and the way they are still used to mask the unworthiness by valuing the body. I was seeing that clearly with this leather jacket, as well as this silk dress and a stylish skirt. I saw how they were part of the pride of the personality wanting to cover over the unworthiness, also felt by the personality! It so crazy to see how it’s the personality playing all those games, to “promote” itself, or pushing itself to hide, and one or the other doesn’t matter it’s still the illusion! The clothes were seen as being the skin of my being, representing that pride that “keeps me safe”. I was seeing that when I was travelling alone before I was so happy to not dressing in a special way, same last year where I’ve been travelling with one jeans and two comfortable pants, a short and a simple skirt, and it was so perfect! And now that I am in town again, the struggle with the clothes came again as if as there are other people around I need my “protection”. It was so great to see that so clearly for deep down all I want is absolutely not caring about that, and just going with what is there!
I saw that both those situations were related to time, that I was actually fearing something that might happen in the future, which is the trick to not be in the Present moment, which is the fear of the ego, because it’s its undoing, it disappears in it, instantaneously!
Also I had to decide what to do with this retirement fund in Belgium for which there is no way for me to get the money before 65, due to a new law. It’s so crazy to me! But I was seeing that again it was related to time. And here I had an option to change something to have a death cover, which I don’t have now. And as I was meditating on that, I felt that I couldn’t choose fear and death and again wanting to protect myself. That it was for me to choose life, and that Moment, not in 32 years! So I felt letting it go…
It’s been several weeks that I’m feeling seeing this time defense more clearly in so many different ways, always trying to hide the real fear, this Moment.
Oh, yes, the Present Moment is the dread of the ego, it cannot resist to it. It is seen instantaneously and vanished in Light of Truth. It will do everything it can to make a seeming problem in the form and keep the mind preoccupied with it, but there is only one problem, the belief in separation, and that you can be what you are not, and one solution, which is never in the form, Love, recognizing What You are. What you express is showing different ways used by the ego, it’s very helpful to see that, for it keeps multiplying those all over again to hide the real problem. But the more mindful you are about that, the faster you’ll come to see that there has even never been any problem, that you have always been in God, where you are Now, and none of it has happened! You are none of those add-ons of the ego. That’s what it does, it adds all the time its judgement on everything! And because you believe you are this body, you think you are the one judging or judged, but you can’t. Who you are is incapable of judgement!
(later) I spent a very quiet and deep day, mostly meditating. And this clarity came to me.
Everything is always neutral; it never has any meaning by itself. It only has the meaning I give to it. Everything is my interpretation. I make it what I want it to be. But it’s always naked. The moment I give meaning to something I exist, and I know who I am. And that’s really what I’m looking for… I give meaning, not because it has some, but because I want to know who I am, I want to define myself. Therefore meaning keeps being given, for the ego cannot bear not knowing, it wants to know. It thinks it knows. And it thinks that no meaning is death, but what if it was Freedom? What if knowing, giving meaning was imprisonment and that not knowing what is anything was freedom? Always new, always free to be what is.
Nothing is personal, so no clothes are personal, they are just clothes! They don’t mean anything about who I am, nor about anything else. They are just clothes. They are not even related to me. They are just there, used. The meaning given it is different for everyone, for not two persons see the same world. It’s always an interpretation.
Nothing is evil, ever. Nothing is bad or wrong, nor good or right. It’s neutral, empty of any meaning, a white sheet. It’s like when I write. There is anxiety facing the white sheet only if I think I must write, I must do something with it, I must fill it. But what if it can just be a white sheet, or empty, left as it is? Then it’s just that! Nothing needs to be done. Nothing is expected from me… Isn’t there a release in that? Isn’t it freeing? If something is done, it’s done. It’s what’s happening. But if not, then it’s also what’s happening. And both don’t mean anything!
So I never need to be any way, to play any role. Roles are there to hide, to mask the anxiety of not knowing who I am, the need to know. So we create boxes to put everything in, roles to play and links between everything, past memory to hold onto that will define us and explain what’s happening now and why, so that this anxiety is calmed down. But it’s just temporary. It will never cease and never be satisfied. It always asks for more. So we keep seeking where we will never find the answer. But the one who wants to know is the problem! And I am not this. Life is just happening, effortlessly, without my approval and without my “control”. And everything’s ok. All strains can be released for if something goes, it’s not who I am. No need to protect anything or make anything sacred, for who I am is beyond all of it, beyond time and space, beyond the world, and That is What I truly want!
