Tuesday 16, waiting at the airport in Mexico City for 16 hours leaves time to meditate, to watch my thoughts...
I remember what Sarah shared with me during our Skype conversation Sunday morning. She told me I'd better watch my deeply-held beliefs because there’s nobody outside me to sustain me. Everything I live through, and these are often major dramas, I am doing to myself! I am constantly sacrificing and punishing myself, otherwise I wouldn’t put myself in that kind of situation. I feel a need to look much more closely at this, to see what lies behind it, deeply enough to reach the root and allow me to cut it, because enough is enough. I don’t want to relive it again and again...
The first thing I think of when I see these dramas, the one at the airport in Paris, in Mallorca, in Montreal with my landlord, with Fred, with Nicolas when I returned to Montreal, with Bertrand, with Pino, with Eric and the car accident with Gaëtan in Paris, the end of my relationship with Marvin, sharing all our affairs, the death of Gauthier, stopping my studies, ceasing to do well in school, my failure in my last gym competition, stopping gym, is the impression that through all this, I've been seeking only one thing... attention, to be loved, to exist.
My feeling of unworthiness is so huge that I really believe I don’t deserve to be loved, which I very often felt in my childhood with my parents. I thought love was conditional and that I had to act how they wanted in order to be loved.
Each time, I can’t stand what I see, I wish it were different. I am struggling. And I think I'm better than everyone, above everyone, and therefore that nothing can happen to me. A completely opposite feeling, a story of hiding this profound unworthiness which I wasn’t at all aware of! I think I know, how, for myself, little Armelle person, even if I hear or sense guidance, which is not going in the same direction that I’m going, I still, sometimes rush and go even faster, and take on the wall... I want to be right so much.
I am so afraid of God because I really think I stole his power. "I" feel so powerful, perhaps even more than him and I often prove it to him, showing him that it is my will that wins and not his, even if I have to go through the dramas. I show him that he can’t exist or at least that he isn’t loving, because I wouldn’t experience all that if he was.
But in my thought system of separation, I killed him. I so wanted to have power, mine, His, that I killed him with a thought and therefore I do not believe everything I hear because I’m afraid of it, that it would make me return to Him and He must be so angry with me that the punishment would be terrible.
So I can only continue to lead a fight against Him to win, to prove that he doesn’t exist. But he wants me dead! So I think this is my only way to live quietly, to exist. I therefore seek it through all these battles that I lead, like Joan of Arc, instead of looking for it in Love. I hid from Him and continued to play ego games because I know them, because I wanted to exist, but that’s not what I really wanted; it was just what I still believed in. Through all these events, I asked to be punished again and again, because I was afraid to be loved, and the punishment made me feel closer to Him, because I believed He was vengeful and mean. I constantly wanted to prove to Him that he would never make me go through that if he was truly loving. And so I perpetuated my belief that he wasn’t, and therefore I had reason to be afraid of Him and hide behind ego masks.
At the same time, all these stories allowed me to exist, to have an even more special story, to get more attention. It was a way to "shine". I "shone" in the drama, because I was familiar with it, and it was less dangerous than shining. If I really shone, I could die, I thought it was dangerous.
I wanted to sacrifice myself to be faithful to my family, to our belief that life is a slice of shit that you eat a piece of every day. I wanted to sacrifice myself so others could be happy. I was so convinced that my life had no value that I want to give it for those of my Brothers whose lives have value that I put myself in "danger" all the time, giving little weight to life and a lot of weight to death, where I saw deliverance. I wanted to be a "hero" like Jesus was on the cross! That was my belief... Jesus sacrificed himself so we could live, to absolve our sins, to calm the Father’s anger, whose place we have taken. I wanted to punish myself for having sinned so greatly as to have wanted to kill the Father, to have usurped his place, to have taken His power, to have thought that I could create like him, indeed this world is proof. I punished myself for having left him, because that is what I believed. I punished myself for being such a bad Daughter, leaving Him to go live my life!
A giant “waw”! It is parallel to my fear of living my life in this world and feeling like I’m abandoning my parents by doing so, feeling certainly guilty in some way and therefore putting myself in impossible situations which each time make me return to them, at home, where I hide, I repent for everything I‘ve done, for the treason of having "left" them, for desiring to live a life apart from them.
I am actually, in fact, completely wrong.... Waw, I love it!
I try to replay with my family, my parents, the separation from God. Since this alleged separation, in which I still believe, was so painful for me and I imagine that God is angry with me and that he must also suffer greatly from it, I stay attached to my family, wishing to remain faithful at all costs, refusing to separate myself, not wanting to abandon them, not wanting to risk suffering for everything I've known outside of God... so I reproduce it with them, with Erik, with an excessive attachment to these special relationships, to redeem my mistakes that I made to God.
So I act in the world, trying to "re-establish" the error, rather than seeing that the error didn’t happen, didn’t take place, and that it's all a huge trick of the ego to continue to exist. It's just perpetuating the desire to have a separate existence from God. So I allow myself this existence in this world that I created, I am in power. But, as I feel guilty about doing all that, I constantly sacrifice and punish myself in the dream, in this world to prove to myself again and again that I am a bad girl, mother, sister, aunt, godmother, girlfriend, wife, friend.... or even therapist and that all I’m capable of is abandoning others, especially if I love them or they love me!
Because really, I'm so bad, I don’t deserve t anyone’s love. So I provoke dramas to be sure not to receive any, or not too much. I punish myself again. And I'm still more guilty for choosing to separate again. And that's how I perpetuate the vicious circle in which I’m imprisoned, vacillating between being worthlessness and over powerful. All that for a semblance of a separate identity, an illusion of existence.
I have no real existence apart from God. This name, this body, are only "covers," disguises, tools that can be used to serve the purpose of My Father and return Home or that I can choose to give to the ego and let them be misused, while choosing to deny my worthy inheritance and throw all these wonderful presents and gifts from my Father in the trash, choosing to forget Him and make Him less than nothing, less than me, so I can stop feeling so unworthy.
And so I made myself a bothersome nature that it was best to keep hidden, because if anyone knew where I came from, who I was, I might be betrayed and thrown to the pigs, or be stoned or crucified. Therefore I choose to deny my identity, to protect myself from others. That is why it is dangerous to shine. I could be killed. But it’s about nothing. The only fear I have is to really Live, and to know love and light. For death does not make me very afraid, somehow it even draws me, thinking it might be deliverance from all these sufferings and from repenting being a bad daughter.
I give You all these beliefs, Holy Spirit, for they are of no value to me, if not to perpetuate a lie that has already lasted too long, and that again and again keeps me away from remembering my real Being and the love of my Father. I acknowledge, Holy Spirit, that I invented all this and I've played it over and over, and I believed it. It served me so well during that deep sleep.
But now I am gradually waking and coming out of the nightmare in which I was enclosed. I am full of gratitude for everything that has happened, because everything responded to my desire at the time, and everything was perfect. I thank all the players in my production for having played with such perfection these tailor-made roles. I also thank my character for having taken so long without exposing itself, however difficult the tests were. It has continued to get up regardless of the distance from which it fell, ready to go back and fall again.
Now, enough is enough! I declare the end of the film. I’ve handed in the keys to the studio, the last episodes have just been filmed, the drama was at the requested height, but the producer does not want to renew the contract. I therefore declare O-FFI-CIAL-LY the end of the series.
The preparation of these last weeks, the preceding statements, have led to this decision. I do not want this lie.
I make another choice.
I acknowledge my Parentage, I recognize from where I come, who I am, I acknowledge my Father, and that everything that I believed was true is false and has no reason to be, to exist. I commend them to You, my Father, as a gift. I release myself from everything that I had that kept me away from You. I give them to you, for Your Love and Your Light to turn them into treasure.
Amen
I see couples around me, and of course I think of Erik, staying in San Francisco for a few more weeks. And I remember that in all my travels that is always something that I watched, that I seemed to miss. I wanted to share all this with someone. And now I see that as far as I can remember I always wanted to be a couple. And I just realized that I wanted someone in whom to hide, and also on whom to project. That is why I feel so safe with Erik and so lost without him, because I put my safety, my protection in him and somehow, it goes even further. I give him my life; all that to hide from God. That is why I experienced so much disappointment and suffering. I made a "person," starting with my father in this world, my god. I created an earthly god to absolve my sins of having left God, my Father. I gave all power to the ego rather than God, even though I thought I chose Him.
Mmm, thank you, thank Hoy Spirit for showing me that. I recognize that this is what I wanted so far, and it served me well. Today, I make another choice. I recognize that my only security lies in God and in Him Alone. I choose Him therefore, before anything else. It is through Him and Him alone that I want to love.
Armelle
