Waw, so much healing!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, at the end of the day, we left the castle. We were both feeling something else had to take place (hey we were feeling the same;-))))

We came back to my parent's house. I was happy to see them, and felt good to share with them. But it didn't happen that way when we arrived. We ate, Erik and I, and then sat before our computers. I was listening to the satsang I was guided to have on monday, that had been recorded. It was so interesting, for at that time the internet connection was cutting a lot, and I couldn't hear everything! Certainly not ready yet;-) All what was said hit me in the face, waw, it was really big, I was happy having listened to! Later we went to bed, without really talking with my parents.

I received an email of a very dear friend, telling that he had read the blog and talking to me about what he thinks about guidance, coming directly from the Spirit I guess, beautiful reflection of my mind told me Erik. But I was so touched, without knowing why. after a time, I realized I was touched because I felt naked before him, because I imagined he could see how imperfect I am, going through all those emotions, ... Then I felt how much it's still difficult to be who I am... And I knew it was certainly for that that we are here.. an opportunity for me to practice;-) I started to cry for I was sad to have the opportunity to talk with my parents but not knowing how to do it, and not doing anything at all! I would like so much joining with them in truht of who I am.

After talking with Erik, I felt going down and tell them all what I was feeling. So I did. I told them how much I'd like to join with them but I don't know how, for they are not sharing and understanding the life that I live. My dad was, first, upset, then says nothing anymore, asking me what I still want to say, and that yes he doesn't understand at all my life, and that for him it's not life. Life is not that, being in the beatitude every day!
It was really difficult for me to express my feelings, so I was crying. I told them that I was afraid that if I wasn't talking to them they will thing I don't love them, and it's not true, but talking about the weather doesn't interest me, and that if I talk about what I live, if I am who I am, I am afraid they will reject me because they don't understand. My mother, with her big heart, came next to me to tell me how much they love me and that whatever I can do, they will always love me, even if they don't understand or don't share it, and that she always likes when I am sharing what I am living, and that sometimes she feels that my friends must know more about me than her, them. I felt strongly her desire to join with me and not really knowing how either. we talk a bit about the way we live our life, and what was next, and then my dad asked me too what is next. I talk about the unknowing of the world tour ticket and that we will see. He told me that it's really difficult for him for life is not there at all. For him, life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a bit every day! And my mum said her mother told her that too when she was a little girl. So I was so grateful... for them to be true, and allowing me to see one of the huge belief inside me!!! Keeping me certainly from living happiness, and thinking I don't deserve it too! The joining had an happy ending with hugs and love, and I was so happy to have expressed my fears and desire.

The day after just before waking up I was going through fears and worries because I didn't have any clear guidance about the world tour ticket. And I started to see I was thinking I didn't deserve such a trip, it's not life. I was seeing how one day from another my whole perception of "me", or "my reality" could change in relation to what I am going through, what is the belief on the spot! And now, I am so aware of the piece of toast with shit, that I feel afraid it has become the first one in my mind. As yesterday, I realized deeply how much I am the creator of what I live, by my thoughts, and so I am responsible of everything that is in my life, I started to see that there are many things I was resisted to be in charge of. That I couldn't imagine I could make it is in my life, as for example my marriage with Erik, (and more when I am upset;-)). I was still seeing something outside making it happen or not. Then I told Jesus I want him to be in charge of the day for me. I wanted to think his thoughts, tell his words, I want him to guide my acts, and use my voice to talk. And I lived a so wonderful experience, of deep peace immediately, and was shwown that everything is in me, there is no external power, no external God telling me what to do or not do, there is no external entity or even no internal entity. That's the decision in my mind, all my thoughts, and everything that I am living is in relation with what is deeply in what seems to be "my" mind. So my experience has the color of the love or the fear, and the more I love "me", what is just the projection of my right mind or my wrong mind, the more I recognize Who I am in truth and "my" real value, the more my experience is changing for simple happiness and real Love, for I give less and less power to the identity of Armelle, and more to Jesus or HS to be the guide.

Until that day I had prefered to think there was an outside "entity" or power or authority (thinking more it was inside me, but still not "me") giving me that power or deciding, hanging on if I was listening to her or not, to give me that power. I didn't want to be responsible for all I had lived!! It was too much to think I had all that power, and I had called for all those experiences (even if since years I am aware how much everything had helped me to grow up and be where I am now). The border between being responsible or guilty is so thin, and I felt so much guilty about everything and I was so much judging me. It felt so heavy to be responsible of all what you are living, for the "good" as for the "bad" experiences. For it means that, every time I have the opportunity to make an opportunity of growing and be in the Love, or to be the victim. And I have been the victim so many times!!!!!!!!!!!!! So today, it's a really huge day for me. Waw... huge! I feel so full of gratitude, full of love and full of joy, everything seems suddenly so clear to me. Erik is still sleeping so I go down, I want to share my joy!

My mum is there. We talk a bit. She asks me some questions, and I don't want "Armelle" to answer that, I don't know what to say, so I stay quiet for a time and ask Jesus to put the words in my mouth. I explain as example that it's not because I was raised in the belief that life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a piece every day that I have to keep it and go on my life by experiencing that all the time, proving my belief is true, it can be changed and my experiences too. And as I already did yesterday, I gave that belief to Jesus, for it doesn't serve me anymore. As I am speaking she changes the subject! I think it's too much for her, and immediately comes the thought that I am trying to teach her! I am judging myself, and think maybe I want to feel superior or to see there is someone to heal or to save. So I don't feel good with that, and go to share with Erik what I feel. As I am sharing it, he goes in the same way of thinking than I am. I saw how much he is the pure reflection of my mind, those last days. If I feel certain, he is completely with me. If I am doubtful he reflected it back to me. If I am afraid, he expresses fears, even if I am not expressing it! I feel bad, sad, and a bit guilty too. And in the same time I remember having asked Jesus to speak through me! I am trying to make Erik guilty about something he tells me, and he says it. I take it back and change my mind. In my communication with Jesus this morning he told me the ego would be very vicious today, I have to be very vigilant. So I remember it and let go the upset! I am so aware I feel bad and I want him to "save" me or be the guitly one. I saw how it works so many times these last days! So I know he is right, and it's in my mind!

Later we have a skype call with Jason and Kirsten who had sent us an email to talk with us about guidance and trust. In the call, Kirsten asks me what I think about paying the 400 dollars I was guided to give for the retreat in Canada in August that I couldn't give at that time, for I didn't have any money. And she speaks about integrity. I am compelely ok to give it, for sure. Now I can! But in the same time, I feel there is something in the way. When the call is finished I let this emotion coming, and I feel kind of betrayed, for at that time I told I couldn't come for I had sudden money problem, and they told me to come anyway, my call was so strong. I didn't remember we've talked about the fact I will pay later. So I was feeling "come freely, and now being asked to pay the bill!" Erik told me it has nothing to do with them, and I know it, it's with God. And I really feel betrayed by God. I feel having been "attracted" by receiving everything freely to show me obviously my path, and now he is asking me something in "return", and I feel kind of stuck in that path now. I've tursted him, I've followed the call and now I am there with all that! That's what I feel...
And I just realized that it's me, only me, not God external to me, separated. I know it! But still, I bite to the ego game. For even my relationship with Erik it's difficult for me to feel responsible of having received what I asked for. Sometimes I feel I didn't chose him, he was imposed to me. And I know it's not true at all... but in those "ego crisis" I want him to be so much guilty for me! I want him to be the cause of what I am living. So sometimes I think that if he wasn't in my life everything would be easier. (yes I wouldn't have a daily mirror reflecting my thoughts!!) Again, I can't be the "responsible" of what I feel, so he has to be guilty of something, so I am not in touch with what I am going through, I am outside!

Lunch time we all eat together with my father too, it's very nice, so much laughter! The joining happen, and I could see my parents differently.

Later I hear Erik talking to my mother about the fact that I want to pretend my beliefs are the good ones, but really all that is just beliefs!! I am not with them, but I hear this part of the conversation, and only this! And immediately I feel betrayed again, and start to hate him, so much. the story I make up is "even to my mother he is trying to show I am wrong and he is the good one, the kind one..!" I know everything is the ego, but it's so strong. More than that I start to judge myself being unable to live something else than what I am going through. I have all the power to change and I just feel so powerless facing all what I am going through. I ask Jesus to show me the truth. he does it, but a new story starts immediately. I feel so unable to be happy, so stuck in those old patterns, so guilty, so unworthy even, that I am thinking it would be easier to die than go on with this, I can't do something. I am still here, and it's so painful. I hate Erik more and more, for he even doesn't come to see if I am ok, nor to talk with me. I know I could talk to him, but I can't, and I'd want so much that he would come to talk with me, but it never happens, so the hatrid is "justified" in the ego mind. He doesn't care about me! And in the same time I live the uncomfort of still having all those emotions thinking Erik is still judging me for having them. Finally I feel becoming crazy with all that turning in my mind, right/wrong mind... who is talking, what is true... I scary myself, so after a while I decide to go to the castle and talk with Keith and Christiane, they are the only one available here to whom I can talk trully about what I am going through. I feel also stuck to be to my parents for I think I can't express my emotions. So I take my mother's car and go, without saying anything to anybody!
I burst into tears when I see Keith and he take me in his arms. then I tell everything I see, feel, think, all the hatrid for everybody, all the shame I have for having all those emotions too, and I also feel judged by Erik for having so many emotions, even if he hasn't talk to me!
They just listen to me, silently. I spend the evening there, receiving silently all the love and tenderness from Christiane, and their presence. There are also a lot of emotions going on there! It seems to be an orchestrated "meeting".
Around midnight I decide to go back, I want to be with Erik and share with him. I feel coming back to live at the castle tomorrow, that's the place where I feel it is the most helpfull for now, not knowing anything else.

When I come back, I don't say anything. Erik tells me that he would like to talk to me but he doesn't know how, and that he has some fears. My heart is wide opened at that time, facing his truth in the now, and then he tells me he perceive hostility. At that time, I feel nothing else but love, what I was still keeping one moment before had just vanished miraculously and I propose him to come in my arm. And so we are in the arms of each other. I am so happy of the way I reacted, I don't recognize the angry girl! I feel being the observor, and being guided. I am so happy...

This morning (tuesday), when I get up, my mum talks to me about the way I was the day before, and what she felt. She completely opens her heart about me, our relationship, what she would like to live instead what we are living. It's so beautiful, I am so touched and so happy. She asks me a lot of questions about the way we live our life, what we practice, and I let the Spirit pouring through me. It's so great. She is so happy of that joining, and I am too. I tell her we leave later in the day to go back to the castle for it's there I feel being, but we could meet together for lunch or spend some time later. Hugs, kisses and so much love. I am so grateful about all what she shared, it showed me a lot about my beliefs too. Few time before, I had given the thought that I couldn't express my emotions here with them, and then asked Jesus to be in charge of my day, my thoughts and my words, and my mother was crying so much! See how it's always my beliefs about the other!! As for example that I was afraid to tell her what I was exactly doing and I thought she would be ashamed to share it with her friends, but she told me the opposite! what they think about that is not her problem. So I took this belief back to me;-))
And she told me that often she is inspired by what I share and think she could apply this principles to her life too. So I felt to give her "only one mind" in French and she started to read it. And she told me she thinks it will be really good for her!!!!
And later the joining with my father showed again how he has a big heart too, and want to join, in his way.
My perception has completely changed, I gave the beliefs to Jesus and it come back to me by reflecting it.

So finally we left, I am compeltely at peace, with both of my parents, and feeling so much love and gratitude for all what I lived. It's really always in my mind, I still saw it so much!
With love
Armelle