My life is shifting so deeply, it's so wonderful, and I feel I want to share, extend the fruits of it to everyone...
Right before the conference in San Francisco, I've been in a hermitage for one week, which has been very deep and revelatory of a lot of fears, beliefs, ego patterns. The morning of the conference, I went into a deep insecurity and fear, that went on and off all along the week-end. The encounters there, the invitations to play some music with Erik for some presenters at the conference were offering me to be in Service, in my Function, it was so fabulous. And also coming in touch with the resistences that I never shared before as I did this week-end, which was fabulous to expose.
Came then a huge phase of very deeply rooted fears, jealousy, rage, anger and murderous thoughts. It felt as if I was at the core of the split mind, watching, feeling the depth and the heaviness of the darkness playing on and on in my mind. It felt as if I didn't stop falling. Every day a bit more. Exposing the shame to Erik, the fears, allowing all the hidden private thoughts that I was keeping for myself to come up and exposing them, speaking up all what I've been keeping since our marriage by fear of being rejected. We spent hours sitting side by side, sharing all our private thoughts and judgements on each others, all what was keeping us from joining in a deeper way, holding the Presence for the other, receiving everything in the Love. Living those two last weeks in a deep intimacy, spending a lot of hours just laying down in the arms of each others, without a word, just sinking into the Love. As my last song says it "No need for more".
Falling so much, I couldn't keep the game of "doing it myself" going on. I had to lay down the mask of being strong, independant, proud, I know what's best for me, as well as the leader in me... I had to ask Erik for help, to be Present, and start to trust him in a deeper way exposing all the fears of doing so again and again. I had to stop blaming anyone I was still blaming even a little for what I was experiencing or had been, stop resisting to healing too.
I've asked for the undoing of the specialness, for taking this journey to the end... and here, everything was given to me to go deeper.. Fear of 'losing' him, fear of him leaving, of him being with someone else, humiliation... all those self concepts of Armelle being the first, the most popular, such a beautiful girl... trembling, undoing.
All that made me face a deeper fear, fear of becoming crazy, of not being able to take that and ending in a mental hospital as my grand-mother and all the darkness in my mind taking the place of the light and that I become schizophrenic as her. Wow, a revelation. As all that was faced, I was seeing myself in that mental hospital, as a little girl, feeling everything I was seeing in her at that time. Suddenly the barrier between her and I disappear and I was the one in the mental hospital, experiencing the fear of being alone, of staying there with those people, the shame, the longing for being loved, heard, understood, seen, the feeling of abandonment every time that we the my grand-father (her husband) was leaving to go back home and that she was begging him to take her home... all that was me, not her.. her felt totally sane, and healed even at the end. At that moment, a shift happened where I could see all the other people onto which I was projecting blame or jealousy merging in me too, there was no barrier anymore, no separation. They were all symbols for me to see what is in my mind, what is blocking the total awareness of the Truth of who I am.
I saw all my mighty companions on which at some point I've been projecting different kinds of emotions or blocks in the light. I felt such a release.
Later on that day, I was in touch with the deep fear of God, with all the anger, with what I was still believing unconsciously about God, how he is an angry god, rageful, who had been punishing me a lot along my life and who just wants to kill me and that's why I cannot stay quiet too long, or go too deeply into the quietness, because he wants me dead! I was seeing him as a very dark monster. I had a lot of evidences in my life of all that for sure, of how he has been punishing me again and again, how he didn't love me otherwise all what I've been living wouldn't have happened, etc... I had no idea I was thinking that about God. All what I knew is that I had had moment of deep resistences to the Course, to forgiveness too...
It was so fabulous to see all that.
That evening, Erik and I have been guided to watch "the last exorcism". It felt so joyful to me. After having gone through so much darkness in my mind, it felt light to watch an horror movie;-) Also I felt there was a gift for me in this watching, a release, the end of the process of the day! And so was it! This movie allowed me a deeper awareness of the split and the watching of those very dark murderous thoughts in my mind, and the strong feeling associated with it. I was watching all that after the movie, and allowed everything to come up. It was so intense! So intense that it forced me to totally surrender and ask for help to Jesus, it was the "stop resisting". I became so scared of those thoughts that the only way out of that was to stop resisting the healing process, stop resisting life and what is, as it is, stop blaming, taking full responsibility where I wasn't doing it fully yet and opening to a even deeper trust, where it was still vacillating. I asked Jesus to walk through that dark murderous cloud with me. At some point, he told me "I just want you to focus on my love... feel my love coming into you, feel that and only that" And so I did, and it felt that He was carrying me the whole process. I had nothing to do but feeling His love and letting me be carried until I saw the light and the darkness faded away. It was such an incredible sensation of lightness.
I also went through the deep shame. Which started by sexual shame, shame around seduction, about the body, about certain parts of the body, shame about the way it had been used in the past, and ended in the shame coming from that sense of lack and then the shame of being human!
I've never been feeling so much than those two last weeks... and falling in a well without any bottom, a constant free fall, which took away so much... pride, arrogance, resistences, preferences, desires...
I came to see how much I've been resisting to fully being with Erik, how much I've been scared, how much I wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else even sometimes... but it has been so perfect! That deep intimacy that we experience is so wonderful, all what I wanted, that intimacy opens to being so intimate with God, with my Self without fearing as before.
I've been so afraid of my mighty companions that I didn't want to join with them and it has been such a gift, for the only thing I needed to do was stopping resisting to what has been given to me, in a deeper way that I could imagine and letting me fall... in the arms of Erik, in the arms of God. Becoming so true with myself, that I felt so vulnerable, without any defenses... and so, so available to receive Love, God's Love.
Feeling like a little girl who doesn't know anything, who has to ask for any decision, who has no clue of what's best and no desire for leading anything.
"Let yourself be cared for..." the Spirit told me... "allow it... be just a little girl, you don't need to know" wow, such a shift. It has been so scary for me, and here I am... It feels there's only one way to go.... following Erik... one thing to do... singing! Single Purpose, One and only... Washing away all the other desires!
Also Erik and I have been feeling the guidance that a road trip is coming in for us... we don't know when yet, neither how that will unfold. We just have the sense that it will be in California and Texas for now... We don't have a car, but it feels that we don't have to know yet, all will be given at the perfect time in order for us to do our Father's work, to spread our Father's words, to share our Father's Love... And that feels really exciting. We've also been feeling that our path leads us to offer holy relationships gatherings and workshops, as well as focusing on the music for now, and that feels sooooooooooo good!!
This journey is so miraculous, so incredible... every shift in mind seems like a miracle!
Yesterday, I joined with Helena. I wanted to share with her some private thoughts and a grievance I was still holding secretly against her, which has come up very strongly those after the conference and pushed me to go deeper in my mind. Having seen the Truth, I felt joining with her as a symbol of choosing Love instead of fear, not wanting to be afraid neither ashamed about whatever was going on in my mind. The release came when all the barriers in my mind collapsed after watching "the last exorcism". The day after, I picked myself having some fear yet, so I looked and saw I didn't want to let go of the grief for it would mean that I had been wrong since Mallorca 2009, that I could have chosen differently back then and that I decided to delay because of fear, pride and resistences. So I decided I had delayed enough, and that it was time to let go of it.... I wrote all my thoughts, and gave them over, so certain in myself. Not even 5 minutes later, Helena had sent me an email, extending her love and joy and gratitude to walk with me on this path! It felt to me like another miracle... definitely showing me my shift in mind!
Yesterday, the call was filled with Joy, Love and laughter too... another reflection of my choice for God and Holy Relationship.
At the end of the call she shared that David and her talked about the possibility for Erik and I to go and live at David's Peace House in Cincinatti, and benefiting from the car and the central situation to extend and share the gifts of the Spirit. wow, it felt so good.
Nothing has been decided, and we'll see how that unfold, but it certainly feels more and more in purpose for us. After sharing my private thoughts about my preferences, I start to feel the Joy of living in such a devoted place and having a place to offer whoever feels joining with us to come and stay with us for a while.
Also yesterday night, Erik and I had such a beautiful and deep discussion about our Purpose together which feels clearer and clearer, as we let go of the blocks. It is really clear that we are used as a symbol of Holy Relationship and that we will be sharing in gathering, workshops or retreat about that topic. Also we came to the point that we are both really clear that we are meant to sing together all our songs, and going on undoing the desire for independance as well as the feeling of superiority and Erik's old identity as a musician and entertaining everyone, which doesn't feel that good for him anymore. And this is so full of Joy for both of us. We had several moments last week where the singing felt merging into one voice, as we were so much connected.
We sang together later and came into that deep communion, where each of us is expressing his Heart, the way it feels the truest, and it felt like another moment of ectasy for me, and the Bliss poured through, drugged by Life, Love.
This night, I had a profound experience, revealing more and more that Oneness, the lifting of the veils... It was in the middle of the night and I was sleeping, but I felt so awake.... it wasn't like if I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep and was thinking, I was sleeping as still sooooo awake. It wasn't like Armelle was awake, but I was awake, what I am in Truth was awake to Its Reality, and everything was collapsing, all the barriers and separations were vanishing, and there was only light, no separation, everyone was me, nothing was apart from anything. It was as if there was nothing anymore, and in the same time everything. No image, but a deep sense of fullness.
When I woke up in the morning, I woke up filled by that Bliss, full of energy and inspiration.
With Love
Armelle
