A huge shift day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

20 janvier
Yesterday was a so important day, a huge shift day!
First, I got up at 5.40 to go to Brussels with Erik. After the call of Kirsten and Jason talking about integrity, some days ago, one evening Keith was talking about his material and tax stuff, and I felt strongly the call to be completely clear and clean with my situation here in Belgium. I didn’t say yet to the unemployment office nor to the city office that I was married, for I was afraid of a change and that suddenly I won’t get any money from that at all. And as the time passed it seemed more difficult to do it, as if I had tried to protect something, and that I will be punished for that! The guidance was clear for me, and I felt really freed just at the idea of doing it, and very confident in whatever could come from that, knowing that everything is always perfect and that I do not know my own best interest!
So, this morning was the day! On the way to go there was some traffic jam, and I said to Erik “it’s incredible that those people are doing it every day…” He answered me something as “no they aren’t!” And at that time I had the insight, that they were existing, here and now, today, for me, for I had created it. But when there is nobody to see it or being the witness, they don’t exist. They, as we, just exist because there seems to be “others” to see us… During the drive, we didn’t speak a lot, and I was just in a meditation state, talking to Jesus silently and he was whispering me sweet words back. That was really funny, and so good too. When we arrived at the office, I heard that I don’t have to tell everything to everybody all the time. It doesn’t have to be in the form. I just have to give everything to the Spirit, that’s what is important. That’s talking about no private thoughts, keeping nothing from Him. In the office, I was waiting in the line and practicing a prayer of the Course (ch.15,XI.10, at the end of the section) and including every person present here. And the Spirit told me that what I am doing here has nothing to do with the form. For the form doesn’t even have to change. What is important is just the step that I am making. And at that moment, I felt everything was already done, and ok. So when I talked to the person, I let the Spirit talk for me, and tell what he felt was important, knowing that I don’t know my own best interest, but He knows it, and that’s the only thing that I have to do… letting Him take the command, and stepping back. So I did. And I was so amazed… The same question was asked in three different ways for me to hear three times the answer telling that I don’t have to do anything, for everything is perfectly ok as it is now. My situation hasn’t really changed and so all is ok. I went out and felt to go to the city office still, just to be sure everything was completely ok and clear, and for me to be clear with everything here in Belgium, and not being as if I wasn’t married… And I know what it meant for me. I’ve always wanted to seem being the girl that nobody will catch, and who will always be “free”. But I was so afraid of being “dependent” of “someone” that I became completely dependent of my independence! So this step was definitely important. And so I ended up by going to the city office to tell that I am married and ask what I have to do. As I was waiting in the line, I opened the Course on a perfect page (chap 22.V). Then I felt that I didn’t have to do all what they ask, just going there and telling it was enough. I could see the ego trying to grasp on something and telling me that I have to do more, that it’s not enough, and also trying to scare me with the future. Erik helped me to see that clearly and I released it. Waw, big!
On the way back, I could see I was trying people please Erik, as I think I am still doing sometimes. But now it becomes more and more painful to do that, for I am more and more aware I am doing it. It was as if I just wanted to listen to his desire, or fear or doubt most of time, and not trust what I feel. I had told him before that when we will go to Brussels we will go to a French fries cabine, to make him taste Belgian fries! So even if it was 8.30 in the morning, he wanted it! I felt going back directly to the castle as we haven’t anything to do in Brussels, but I say “yes” we will go and see, even if I knew intuitively that it would be closed at that time. So we went there, and it was closed. But I felt that if I could call Christiane and ask here when they were living for her to have her car back and ask her if we can stay here until 11am, Erik could taste it. So I drove thinking going somewhere, and I arrived somewhere else, on the way to take the highway. I still felt it was where we were supposed to go. But I saw a shop where I could by a card to call, so I decided to go, instead of following what I felt. And I’ve almost been hit by a bike when I was crossing the road. I came back in the car. I felt so sad, seeing what I was still doing. Erik told me he didn’t feel I have to call Christiane and that I was trying to people please her! And I say that the only on that I was trying to people please again, was him, and that it was enough for me, I was feeling so sad, not being able to stay in that certainty of what I feel guided to do. And I told him it was the same that with going to Bali and the discussion we had yesterday night. On the way back, he slept, and I stay silent, in prayer about that.
When we arrived, they were preparing all their stuff to go. We went to the living room and turned on our computers. I started paltalk for the lesson of the day, and Erik sat in the coach to meditate. Then I read the course chap 16.IV.6.7.8. great! We didn’t talk since we left Brussels. Christiane came to tell what is their planning for today, and then asked me how we are. I tell her the beginning of my day, really great for me, and then the realization that I am still people pleasing Erik. And him, I don’t know for he didn’t talk since Brussels. We started a group discussion, and I don’t know how, I finally start to feel really angry about “a meaningless conversation”, telling that asking those kind of questions doesn’t have any purpose except running away from what it’s happening now! And Christiane asks me what I live now, what happens for me now!! I can’t really answer… I feel so much rage. I don’t dare telling it. So I take the time. And I ask the Spirit to put the words in my mouth and to speak through me. I have a lot of things in my mind, and what comes from my mouth is absolutely not that! I start by saying that I am taking the full responsibility of all what I will share, and that I am sharing all that for the only purpose of healing, for I am fed up of fighting, (I start crying) and the only thing that I really want is being happy. I share all my stuff, it was about not listening to what I feel and wanting to please Erik a lot yet, I also felt having Erik by my side not talking and sharing as I wanted him to do, was for me like having a dead person by my side, and it was making me face the death of a part of me, and it was really uncomfortable. And I felt how much it was difficult for me to go past all that, and that it would be easier to die! At that moment I got the vision of being a foetus in my mother’s uterus and having a dead foetus, black and sticky, on me, and I am so afraid. I cried so much. They are all very present. It doesn’t last long, and once everything is gone, I immediately feel the relief. I put my head on Keith’s shoulder, eyes closed letting the integration happening… I have a vision of a little girl in India with a ring in the nose and a chain going to the ear. She is dancing and turning on herself, laughing so freely. She is so shinning. Then I see the face of Caroline, a friend, and I feel as if we were friend in that life, playing together. Keith put some music. It’s Indian music! Then he brings some coffee for everybody, and Erik is giving me a feet massage during that time. And a very deep emotion comes up, again. I feel how much I am loved, and I heard in my mind a sentence that the father of my son had told me when I’ve left him 9 years ago “you will never be loved again as I was loving you…” and I feel “yes I am, I am so loved. It wasn’t true!!!” I seem to have believed so much in that, or having made every relationship agreeing with that! I cried so much. And once it’s done, it stops by itself, and I feel that it’s ok, healed! Waw, that’s miracle!
Later, we were talking about going to the movie theater. Erik wasn’t really feeling it. I was really tired by all those emotions. Christiane felt it strongly and Keith said that if it was for us to still be in that mood, he didn’t feel pulling those kinds of “heavy rocks” with him. I felt there was still something inside without knowing really what… One moment I started to cry again and expressing all what was still there, as for example that Christiane and another friend here were bothering me by their laughing and expressions of joy, that I felt were off, and not completely true. And other things but I forgot what… Then I jumped on the coach, lay down as a baby and cried again and again. And one moment, the Spirit told me “it’s ok? You are done now? You’ve finished your cinema? Everybody is around you. You have got what you wanted!!” And it stopped me directly. Then I felt that I didn’t want to have people happy around me for it would have made me face my unhappiness, or I would have felt obligated to be happy, and I didn’t want to be happy, for I didn’t deserve it!! So I realized that people around me weren’t unhappy, but I wanted to see them like that or with problem for it was keeping the identity of Armelle alive, playing between the savior and the victim of those so unhappy people!! But there weren’t any unhappy people except in my mind, where I wanted to be unhappy yet and have reason to complain again, and keep this game running… It was really huge for me to realize that! What a shift in my perception of all my closest.
I feel very tired and Erik told me it’s because I am still resisting, I don’t want to let go, I want to grasp on the fact of only trusting myself, or almost. I can see how he can be right, but in the same time it doesn’t seem completely right. So he talk about relying on the group if we don’t think the same and he told me how he found more humility in him, and what it brought him. We made an agreement for those further cases, and it feels good. Then he told me where I seem to be now… at that point where I have a choice to make and everything is ok, but I can stop suffering if I just surrender. He talks about how he sees I am trying to stay far from the Messengers and David, and that it’s like having a family on which you can count. I think I am really aware of what he is saying. I can see the ego still trying to find a way out, but I can’t go on like this, I am so tired and fed up of playing that game. So finally I told him he is right, and that I want to trust him. And maybe the guidance to go to Bali wasn’t right, and that I don’t want to be attached to that anymore, I don’t want to be right anymore, I just want to be happy, and I don’t know what is my best interest, so I am ok for all what he feel…
I had a huge headache, which ends in one minute after that!!!! And I don’t feel any tiredness anymore. That’s so great…
Finally as we didn’t go to the theater, Keith and Chistiane go to rent a movie and they come back with “twilight”, and it wasn't the one they have asked for;-))) Apparently the Spirit wanted us to watch it! It talked to me so much after all those shifts and deep talk with Erik too about relaying to the group instead of wanting to do everything by myself; I saw the vampire family as The Family, or the messengers taken care for each others, leaving the town for the purpose you've chosen no matter what it takes, holy relationship between the girl and the guy Edward, with no private thought and commitment to each other, unconditional love... and other symbols that I don't remember, and also deep sentence sometimes, very clear! The ego talking about how he works, when they are in the forest and that she told him she knows he is a vampire, he told her how bad he is. And the character of the guy shifted from the ego sometimes and the HS other times. Unworthiness of the father too, thinking he wasn't good enough, and wanting to change it... (I was still in that too;-)))
So it was really deep for me, I even watched it the day after too;-))) I've asked the HS to show me my lesson, and it was incredible; I was the only one to see the movie like that, but when I shared my perception, they could see and feel it too...

It was exactly what I needed for that night, as if this movie was done for me!! Anyway, it was perfect to end the integration of all that, and going to sleep full of love and devotion again...

When I wanted to write all that, here is what came to me
“even if I am sure of my guidance at 100%, I can surrender to what my brother says, for I don’t have anything to protect or to defend…”

Eternally with you,
With Love
Armelle