Beingness

Erik: Today has been an unusually Joyful day. I'm not sure exactly why - sure, I could point to all the inner work I've done over the years, all the study and practical application of the Course, etc.. - but in this moment my experience points not to Erik's work as the cause of my Joyful state, but to the work of ??? I suppose you could call it the Holy Spirit, and that term still feels very warm and lovely to me. Yet at the same time, it seems more accurate to say that no work was ever done at all. It seems more like the dream just spun itself out and has now spun itself back.

As I said in my last post, the past few days have been very deep and insightful. I've been reading Jed McKenna's books, "Spiritual Enlightment: The Darnednest Thing", and "Spiritual Incorrect Enlightenment", and have discovered some precious keys in my reading.

For one, he doesn't understate the immensity of this awakening work we are up to. He describes it in terms that make it sound excruciatingly painful, as likened to the process of burning oneself in a fire until there is absolutely nothing left. He repeatedly emphasizes that awakening is about effectively removing EVERYTHING that we believe from our mind - seeing that it is ALL a big, fat lie - and that in order for us to have the fuel to drive us into the Void, we must become more and mo disgusted with the false self that we think we are.

Now while I would disagree with some of what he says (i.e. I don't think the process HAS to be painful), I have found his give-it-to-me-direct approach to be very helpful these past few days. And though I realize that reading his book couldn't truly be the cause of what I'm experiencing now, it sure SEEMS to have been a catalyst towards lighting my fire to start taking as many swan dives into the realm of No-Self as I can until I stop scurrying back to fantasy land! To state it at least somewhat more accurately in terms of cause-effect, I would have to say that What I Really Am finally got sick of pretending to be an ego, and so called forth a dream segment involving these McKenna books which would give my false self justification for giving up the game of trying to uphold itself. Or something like that...

I also was reading Chapter 9 of the Course earlier today, and began to really "get" the fact that I MUST trust the Holy Spirit in ALL my brothers and see them as my Self. More and more it is getting easier to "do" that, although like I said above, it feels more like it's being "done" though me rather than by me. Like my small mind has finally gotten completely worn out from thinking by itself, and has opened itself to Christ-control once and for all.

So this afternoon, Armelle and I drove to her parents house in Dinant, Belgium to have coffee and dessert with her parents, her paternal grandparents and her paternal aunt and uncle. It was great. We all sat around first drinking champagne, then coffee with pastries, and finally red wine, while everyone was speaking French except me. It was a jolly affair, and though I couldn't understand most of what was being said, Armelle would translate from time to time, and I was just enjoying the dream-like quality it all seemed to have. It was like watching one of those dinner-theatre shows where the audience gets to participate once in a while. And since no one was ever expecting me to contribute to the conversation, I was completely free to focus not on the words, but on all the wonderful emotions being passed around. I felt like the dreamer of the dream, letting my mind see the Christ in everyone, and noticing how my dream character would still act completely appropriate without any attempt on my part to control it (normally in these types of situations, I would think it very important to be proper - you know with the parents of my wife and all...). But rather I could see how when I take my hand of the steering wheel, the car drives itself FAR more gracefully than I could ever have imagined! I even laughed genuinely when everyone else was laughing, without having a clue what the jokes were about, simply because the invisible force that was now running my body was transforming it into a symbol of Joyful and jolly joining. :-)

So now I'm sitting upstairs in bed with Armelle here at 12:10am, and feeling the warm glow of ???... there aren't even words to describe it. Peace, Joy, Happiness are all adequate, but it feels to me like the first time I've ever really been fully awake. And yet, I sense that I'm not fully There yet. I feel whole and complete, yet I sense that I still have an important step to take - something like what they describe in Dissappearance of the Universe where once you reach the level where Buddha was, you still have to give your mind completely back to God. I realize it probably sounds quite arrogant to insinuate that my mind is now at the level that Buddha was at, and I'm completely open to the possibility that I'm just in temporary state of elation mixed with grandiosity (wouldn't surprise me, in fact, given my past), but I don't really care either way. All I know is that what I'm experiencing right now feels incredibly clear and awake, and I'm filled with gratitude for Divine Providence for guiding me to this point on the journey.

Let the journey continue...

Infinite Love,
Erik