My journaling with Jesus, May 8th

May 8^th

I love You so much, and keep bathing in Your Love dear Jesus.

Sometimes I can see thoughts like I am like a little girl looking up at you and by doing so I keep the separation going on because there are still two, you and me; but I feel that it’s so helpful still. I can see the ego trying to take over and firing into arrogance claiming it knows everything!

Yes, it’s very helpful to remain in that humility of being the second as long as the total restoration of your Oneness in God is not complete. The ego will try everything to tempt you, everything that has worked in the past, everything that it thinks could take your attention. It’s very vicious, and doesn’t want you to know the Truth.

I know. This morning, it’s been trying to send me messages of rejection, which has been so deep in the past story of this character. And this time, as I was looking at the story told in my mind, very fast, as anger and hatred were being built with the story of rejection, it was seen so clearly that there was no need to try to defend against those, or protect myself against them. They were nothing. They had nothing to do with Erik’s behavior, which was the story told by the ego, and it was seen that they couldn’t touch me, nor even reach me. They were only feelings of the personality, but had nothing to do with me, so they could be there, it didn’t change anything, they couldn’t hurt! In that seeing, immediately, they just vanish! And there was just Peace.

When no value is given to the story or the character, when there is no need, or no desire to defend any identity, then you live fully the meaning of “in my defenselessness lies my safety” for you can know that by not needing to protect yourself from anything, you know your Invulnerability as God created You, as Spirit. The need to defend is making the attack real, and it cannot be! By realizing that no attack can hurt you, the attack is seen through, and disappears.

Today, it’s mother’s day. And it was a wonderful opportunity for me to look where my mind is at with all those roles. I was looking at the concept of celebrating the mother, and it felt to me so restrictive, so limitative to define one person in one role and telling it’s who this person is. I’ve already been talking with my parents that my love for them is far beyond the fact that I am their daughter or they are my parents, that we are so much more. And as I was looking at the purpose for me to call my mother for this day, I could see that there was no joy or sense of love in it, it was just coming from guilt. So I didn’t feel doing it. Then I was shown a memory from the past when I was 12 or 13, when it was mother’s day and that my sister and I had completely forgotten it, and my mother was so pissed off at us. She told us something like “after all I’ve been doing for that’s how you thank me!” and that was still in me, telling me better never forgetting her again. But I couldn’t act from there anymore. There was no juice in me to nourish this guilt and thought that I could hurt by my behaviour, no desire to entertain a false concept which felt to me like joining into false empty, when everything is me is guiding me to join in the Truth. It was seen that there was a sense of owing her something, as it always plays out in any special relationship! And in this seeing, there was such a deep release of thinking I could owe anything to anyone, that I had to conform, that I had to be a certain way to be loved, that I had to get approval to earn the love that I am lacking, that what I am is not enough and that I have to do more, do something to make sure I will not be abandoned! It felt that this day was this Celebration for me…. The release of the belief I could owe anything to anyone!!!! The release of the need to play any role!!!! What a Freedom…. This is how what seems to be mother’s day has been “re-born” into released from role, Freedom of Being!

It’s so wonderful! Specialness is the juice of the ego. As soon as there is a world out there, there is a special relationship with everything. And the only Purpose of this world is to release that, to see that it’s not there, to give it to the Holy Spirit so that He can guide you through the undoing of those special relationships in everything! Giving the Purpose of Healing to the world, is changing the specialness to holiness, and know your Reality as Spirit as the undoing goes. There is no other purpose for this world. As it is for time, whose only purpose is to come to the end of it, and realized there is no time!

It is not about playing a role, neither about rejecting any role, it’s about giving them over to the Spirit so that He can teach you how to use those in a purposeful way to undo the need for them and listening to His Guidance, instead of counting on your own to do what’s best for everyone, and not acting in a way that serves your purpose and reinforce the specialness and littleness.

Yes, I was feeling, I was totally open to call my mother, but I didn’t feel the guidance to. I felt being so joined with her in Truth and that there was such a release in that seeing that it was all there was really to “do”. And I feel that this release is extending to every role I had played. It’s the same release of the specialness happening yesterday with Erik… it feels it just keeps happening…

I feel such a deep Strength and such a deep Call to clear away every concept there could ever be and just being that clear channel for the Spirit, You, to pour through and extend Yourself to everyone. It feels that the desire for anything personal is being washed away, there is only a desire for Service…

…(love)

I feel I’d like you to talk more about rejection. It’s been such a huge part of the story for me… and it’s been such a huge trick to not follow my heart. So it feels it could be so helpful.

Yes, for sure. Rejection is the separation. It’s rejecting Who you are, for being who you are not. But you don’t want to see that, so you forget it, then it’s reversed and projected onto God whom you believe has rejected you, and then on the world, when you feel rejected from the “society”, or on others. And because you believe yourself to be rejected you keep trying to belong. Because you don’t know Whom You really Belong to, you look for belonging all around you in many different ways, and the special relationships are such a huge trap for that. So I could say that rejection is a misidentification. Once you know Your Identity in God, you don’t need to be included in anything, nor belong to anything in the world, for you know Whom You truly belong to. You know Your True Identity in God, and therefore your Oneness and that rejection is impossible! But as soon as you identify with the ego, the story, the body, the character you think yourself to be, you feel rejected, and you project it, because you have rejected yourself. You have rejected your Self, the Son of God. So you have to come to see that and take full responsibility for the experience you’re having, for projecting it on others keeps the loop going on! And as you feel rejected, you keep rejecting. But as long as you will reject any part of yourself, you will not know your Reality, for it will block the awareness of Truth, by making any part meaningful to you. You cannot reject something you know it’s not true. So when you reject something, you give it reality and a power that it doesn’t have, but in which you believe. And so that is what is before God. You choose fear, instead of Love.

Mmmh… yeah, thank you for that clarity!

This morning, also, as I was meditating, I came to see that I can never be part of anyone else’s dream. That everyone is a character in my dream, that they are there because I dream this dream, but if the dream ends, they end with it. So they answer to what is in my mind. They have no more control over the dream than I have. Is it accurate?

Yes, it is. That’s the meaning of “there is no power, but God’s”. No one in the dream has any power over anyone else. The only choice I have is how I want to perceive things, which lens I am choosing to look through. So the characters are the characters. They play the part that has been given them to play, exactly as this body called Armelle is. They don’t really answer to what is in your mind, because it would mean that everything is happening now when it’s already over long ago. They play their part, as you play yours, and you have the choice of how you want to look at things. There is no link between anything. It’s only the ego making links. It’s not because I think that then they do that, so if I had thought that they would have behaved differently! What happens happens! And your interpretation of will depend on to what are you identified. Do you know yourself as Spirit or do you think you are this body in this world. That’s all!

The Love I feel in my Heart, is beyond every possible role! That cannot be limited to anything nor anyone… It’s so Beautiful… Tears of Gratitude… I release You All… Shine and raise brightly as the Light that You Are reveals itself to You and reveals You as the Truth that has never ceased to be. Everything’s ok, You are Safe. God is Here, and has never not been… We are at Home… Thank You so much…

Later) It’s so incredible how the ego becomes subtly vicious once deep steps are taken. This last hour, I’ve been watching all those attack thoughts that things should be different than what they are, that there must be something wrong between Erik and I because we almost didn’t talk to each other today, nor join a lot. And I can feel it become stronger and stronger, and starting to believe in it. But it cannot be true… can you help me look at that, for right now, I don’t see clearly.

Yes for sure. Your decision to join is already showing that is your desire has shifted too. There was one point where you wanted those thoughts, otherwise they would have had no grip on you, but you started to believe it, so there was a moment where you chose to be guilty and believing there was something wrong, and therefore thinking you were what you are not, instead of staying in the Truth. The guilt was more attractive than the innocence! Your decision to join and share this is coming from a shift in desire, coming from wanting  peace instead of conflict and therefore changing teacher to look at things, and seeing that there is nothing wrong. What’s happening is just what’s happening. Two hours ago there was no meaning given to the exact same situation, and since an hour those thoughts came and you started to believe them. So there was a point where you change the teacher with which to look at the world, and that’s the only problem. For sure it had nothing to do with Erik or the silence between you and Erik or anything that has happened, but just from a decision in your mind of listening to the ego’s voice and accepting its story and therefore pushing the peace out of awareness for an illusion of conflict and problem! Once it is seen, it can be released and you can choose for Me!

Yes, thanks!

I feel that this day has been so deeply undoing again, and there was a lot of crying of gratitude and release, and it’s so beautiful. I feel so much joy with that, and yes it’s also calling for attentiveness for it’s given that the ego will throw its best tricks to keep some grip on me. And communication between Erik and I is definitely one that has been used a lot, as I have a belief that silence in a couple relationship is proof of something wrong! So it’s another opportunity to question deeper the couple belief coming back and what is communication.

Yes, it’s always an opportunity to know yourself, and what is the identity you choose to believe in. Are you a Son of God or do you want to be part of a couple? Apparently, here, it was your choice! You believed the ego telling you that you were a part of a couple, having a communication problem. Ok let’s look at that. Start by the communication problem. Can it be true?

No, it can’t. For communication is not between bodies. So starting by seeing that there is a communication problem between Erik and I is already showing the wrong mindedness, and that I’m seeing two bodies, having a problem, therefore I’m trying to find a solution in the form, where the problem is not.

Yes, so what else can you do?

Seeing that the problem cannot be in the form, it’s always in my mind, and the only problem there is, is a perceptual problem, showing me something that is not there. I see two bodies, I see separation, I see a world, therefore I am upset, because I am deceived, I denied God and therefore my Self is unknown to me, and that’s why I’m upset. I’m upset because I believed the ego and thought God was not there anymore.

Yes, great! You’re back to your true Identity as Spirit. And is there still any problem?

No, there isn’t. There is peace!

Now, look also at the other belief to go deeper… Can you be part of a couple? What is a couple? Look and cut the root of it!

A couple is some kind of entity made of two separate bodies who join together to find the oneness that they believe they have lost because they forgot who they are, and therefore they forgot God. So it’s an ego made belief to replace God and push Him out of awareness by valuing something else.

Yeah, that’s great! That seems pretty accurate regarding how the ego has made it! So can you be part of it?

To be part of it, I must assume I am a body, a person. I also must assume that there are other bodies out there, and one in particular with which I join because he is more special than others and that I believe he will complete the lack I feel in myself. For if I assume I am a body, I am already feeling a lack, for I am without a Source, therefore I’m looking for meaning and completion, and mostly I’m looking outside. That’s what those special relationships are for. I want to find myself. But I’m listening to the ego, instead of the Holy Spirit. I look for completion where I could never find it, in a special relationship (of any kind). Where to find real completion, I just have to look inside and see the Truth, that I am still in God, just dreaming I am not, therefore I am misidentified, but I can choose otherwise now that it’s seen. So no, I cannot be part of a couple. Who I am cannot be part of anything because It is Wholeness itself, and that there is no part to what is Whole. If there are no separate parts, there can be nothing but Wholeness, and so what was made out of the belief that I could separate from my Creator must not be True. How could Truth enter illusions? How could a Son of God be part of anything, like a couple? It’s impossible. And I am not a body. So I cannot be and have never been part of a couple. It was part of the dream.

I don’t see what else add to that!

Thank you so much! It’s so helpful to Be in Your Presence and seeing all that coming through. It’s reinforcing that we are not separate, that Truth is in each of us, when we want it!

(Smile)

(later) I keep seeing that in a very very subtle way there is still a desire to prove my worth to others. I can see that especially with Erik, but it’s not only with him. I guess it’s the metaphor of wanting to prove to God that I am worthy of His Love, and I think that I’ll prove that by my doing, by being a good Servant of Him, and therefore there is a use of being in Service to promote my worth, for pride. I guess all that is still coming from a sense of unworthiness, that really I don’t feel anymore, but which apparently still manifests itself, so must still be underneath the need to prove my worth by sharing how great I am to others! It’s not like that all the time, but today there is a deeper awareness of how it is playing in a very subtle way in some cases. And I really feel that my joining with you Jesus is actually undoing that because I feel such a deep pull to be so authentic in my journaling with you and not hide anything so that it can be seen for what it is and released. I feel that even if I wanted to hide, I couldn’t, for my Love for You, the Love burning in my Heart is the pull to be so transparent and looking at every bit of crap that shows its nose.

I’m still perceiving that Erik feels superior to me and that he wants absolutely to hold onto that identity, and that he is not really willing to trust me. He looks at me as being untrustworthy and spiritually immature, so that he can feel superior. And he just wants to trust David, and not fully opening to me. I’ve been looking at that so much already, and I’m tired of that! I’m tired of having that feeling of being in competition with him. I feel I just would like to join in the Joy, and not having to be a certain way. So I guess it’s an opportunity again to go deeper and looking at what’s blocking it, because there must be something else that I choose before that, otherwise that’s what I would experience!

Yes, if really you wanted only the Joy, that’s what you would have. And if you don’t, there must be something else that you still value more than Joy and joining in the simplicity of Being. You talk about competition, let’s look at that. I think it’s such an important part of the ego identification.

I’ve been seeing at some point how I’ve been in competition with everyone. There was such a deep identity of being a beautiful, intelligent girl, having such an ease to succeed in whatever she wanted. But all that was masking a deep unworthiness, having always to be at the top, to be perfect and living for other’s approval. So the competition was at the first place of this life, in everything. There was a belief that there wasn’t enough love or enough room for everyone to shine or to be loved, therefore it was important to be the best, to secure my place or the love I would receive. So a deep sense of lack. And all that is coming from the belief I am separate from God and therefore I am in competition with Him, because I want to have my own kingdom and being the ruler of this universe. I could see that clearly, how I wanted the whole world turning around me.

The belief in lack is at the core of the ego. Believing God had rejected you, you cannot be whole anymore, so this whole world and so called life is about finding wholeness again, but how can you, coming from such a deep sense of lack? This world is the manifestation of the lack of love, having been made to answer this lack by many distractions so that you would never go in the only place you could ever find Completion, inside, in your mind, where God has put the Holy Spirit so that it would be impossible for you to forget Him, because it wasn’t His Will. He never wanted you to be lost, and therefore you cannot be. But you do believe you are, so you seek wholeness in everything and everyone, and you feel so much lacking that you think you have to fight for everything, and as soon as you find something, by the very fact of finding, you fear losing, for it’s not eternal. So you are in a permanent fight to keep what you think you’ve gained that has finally solve the problem of lack. But what you have, you can lose. That’s the rule of this world. That’s why you cannot give, because then if you give, you lose what you had. And then you have to start to seek again, and fight again, and it’s never ending. So it’s a permanent race to win a fake sense of wholeness where you will never find it. It’s a permanent competition to be the first so that you’re assured of getting something. Because it’s really what is important in this world, getting, not giving!

So this whole path where you start to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit is about loosening from those beliefs, learning to give and learning that by so doing, that’s how you have and that you cannot lose, for it’s by giving that you strengthen everything in you. For giving and receiving are the same, and that what you give, you give it but to yourself, for these are the laws of Heaven, where there is perfect Oneness and where extension is permanent, being eternal and being the law by which God has created you as He is, extending Himself to You, as Perfect and Whole as He is. For how could He have created something unlike Him, the law being that you extend what you are. So yes, it’s about undoing all sense of personal, pride, competition and everything you’ve believed in and made your life on, which as you’ve experienced never made you happy. To finally come to the FULL recognition that the only way for you to be happy is to recognize that You are One with God, and that all what you thought yourself to be is but a dream that never was. So that you felt worthy or unworthy in the dream doesn’t matter! That you felt inferior or superior doesn’t matter. It’s false! One or the other face of the same coin of illusion is still an illusion. That’s the judgement of the Holy Spirit. He doesn’t judge on the form, on good or bad, right or wrong, because it’s all false. therefore he overlooks everything and sees it for what it is, AN ILLUSION!

What does it cost you to see like Him? All what you’ve been believing about yourself, the world, the people in your life, the story, your individuality, time and the pride of being the author of yourself who needs no one! And you don’t want to let go of that, you really think that it has some value, that it can give you something. Think about it…

I guess, yes, it still does but in a more and more subtle way, for the awareness of Truth in growing in my experience, as the Love is stronger and stronger. But I can see some hidden little ways where it still plays out, like here today. I can see that the desire for Truth is not total yet, as I see that I still want to choose the way to share it, or express it, I still want to do something, for doing nothing and being quiet still scares me in some way. So yes, I can see that I’d like to share the love through singing for it’s such a strong way to be in the Spirit, and would like to direct the way of having holy encounter, through offering gatherings or joining deeper with people that are on the same path as us. I still want that more than the Peace of God.

I can feel that there is still pride that is being undone as more and more I fall on my knees, and bow before God, in humbleness and gratitude for how He Loves us, for that Love that reveals itself more and more I am willing to drop into Now. And the more it happens, the deeper it is and the more the subtleties are coming up, are seen and released.

It’s funny for as I’m writing all that, I’m having this experience of none of it being really true, like being just a cover, but certainly not my Reality.

By looking at all that you are not, you uncover all that has been hiding What You are Now. You’ve never changed, but you’ve believed it, and that’s all that is being flushed up. So the more you are willing to look and see it for what it is, the faster it goes. It’s not You! It has never been, even if you believed it. For Who You are cannot change! Thank You…

Thank You!!!!

After writing all that, I went to bed, and shared with Erik that when he was sharing his struggle about what to do about mother’s day and the fear that I could judge him, I felt the guidance to tell him “You never hurt me. I hurt myself with my thoughts, but you, you never hurt me”, but I didn’t do it because there was a part of me who didn’t want to admit that, who didn’t want to take 100% responsibility of EVERYTHING that has “happened” in the past, for it meant that if I was telling him that, I was recognizing that for all my life. It meant that never anyone, nor anything had ever hurt me, but my thoughts. I could see the judgement of saying that as stupid, but really I was, or rather the ego was trying to protect itself by keep hurt and the past real! I wasn’t totally willing to let Erik and the past out of the grip! But after journaling, that’s what came to me, I just wanted to tell him that. And once I did it, it felt that everything I had been journaling about today just felt so meaningless, so unreal, like false ego thoughts and stories feeling welcome due to the resistance to following the guidance, which was an appeal to keep projection real, and attack justified!

Once again I was seeing how the ego operates to distort the miracle and throw its best punch, when I choose not to be in my function and interfere! So great!!!