Yesterday morning, I continued to question my beliefs in relation to the special relationship, feeling very concerned by what is happening in me these days and my relationship with Erik. So I wrote the concept of Armelle, two pages on what I feel that Armelle is, masks and all...
How powerful it is to see it all in black and white, to read it. I realize that really it is not a question of love, because even behind the masks of love, gentleness, kindness or attention, there is always something hidden, a personal interest. So I say to myself... "Why would I keep it all” Why should I be afraid to let go of this personality, this identity, where nothing is love, it's horrible, just horrible! There is nothing of value in it... " I really feel that this allows me a detachment from the personality.At the same time, I identify a bit with all this too, and I feel so sad. Sad to have played it all, sad to think I'm that. For a while I let myself be taken by my history...
Geoff and Bonnie have been gone since early this morning and I haven’t even spoken with them, I know nothing of their plans, but they don’t seem to be coming back ... I then question the fact that I spend almost all my time in my room reading, meditating, doing my daily lesson, participating in the Mind Training Program and watching and listening to videos or recordings. I feel like "maybe I should spend more time with them ... maybe it is something that I did not pick up here ..." In this moment I feel a great emptiness, no one with whom to communicate, just me and my questions. I even feel abandoned, not knowing when they will return. I stay with that ... I let it be and watch what happens, how I feel. There is a sense of urgency in me ... urgency to fill up, to do something, maybe to eat, to talk to Erik ...
I listen again to a discussion on the healed relationship, the holy relationship. Then I write all my thoughts pertaining to the end of the special relationship, everything that brings up in me, everything that blocks ... waw, great!
After that, I feel bad. The last thought is "I am afraid to die ...", the special relationship seems then to keep me alive ... "I", "me", probably yes ...
I feel really in the emotions that have come up in the face of all these questions. Then I observe myself act ... I'm going to prepare myself dinner, and almost gulp my dinner. Then I have a grievance for having eaten so quickly, I know it's because I do not support the emotions that are there, that I try to hide, or fill up. I hold it against myself seeing myself fill that void that I don’t want to feel, not look at, into which I will not go, that makes me so afraid. I regret that I did not want to face it, to watch the emotions that were present without judging them, to simply not be able to stay with it and to want to do something to not feel ... I listen to yet another discussion on holy relationship, this time it's in Mallorca ... I do not like how I feel, I can’t stand this excessive attachment to Erik, the special relationship. I realize that every time I watch a video from Mallorca, I am sad ... Which I associate with these times of deep darkness of the last two weeks, and everything in which I was. I hold it against myself, to not have gotten out of it more quickly, not having been able to benefit from it, for staying there. I tell myself it was a great opportunity to watch my thoughts and beliefs in relation to these moments ... I go there ...
I see that Erik is on Skype, I want to call him, but at the same time, no. It's like I want to call to be reassured that he there is ... I'm tired of it, it's time I looked at that fear of emptiness, of lack ... I can’t continue like this. I tell the Holy Spirit that I do not like how I feel and that I would like to see things differently ...
I'm on Facebook, I watch the videos that David has on his page. I see one of Jim Carrey, I watch and it gives me a clue ... I then found myself watching more videos of Eckhart Tolle. Just his voice and the rhythm of his words carry me into meditation. The urgency inside that was making me look, move, do, fades ... I let myself go deeper and deeper. I let myself be guided. For what I feel to be the last I look on, I tell myself I'm ready to go see this emptiness, to see what lurks there ... I feel that any fear or risk has disappeared, vanished.
I feel myself descending deeper and deeper into my mind. And I realize that there, where I was afraid to meet the void, where I felt a void, or what I thought was a void, with my idea I had a void, that I had built, which I thought was going to reveal dark and hard things, I feel a completeness, a fullness, so warm and reassuring.
I let myself go in and I feel that everything disappears and I enter something timeless, no image, no name. "I" am no longer there. My mind is expanding and I am, simply, in this moment, where nothing exists, nothing, and it seems to last and last ... and I would say that for all this time, there was no “me” at all. There was just that.
Armelle...
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