Saturday, February 20
I woke up super early, not wanting to miss the bus again. It felt right for me to leave today. I had guidance that Erik getting his ticket for here next Monday, March 1st, and also to tell Don that he had a very special assignment for his mind training, which was the conference and that it should really be his priority. So I shared it with him.
I left again. At 6:10 I told Nubia it was time to go, but she said no, we still had 10 minutes. I felt it was time to go, but I followed her. She wanted us all pray together for me before I left. Which we did.
When we were in the alley leading to the road where the bus stops, I saw one pass. She said no, it wasn’t that one, but I felt it was. She waited with me until 7:20 and no other bus went by! I blamed myself for not having listened again, and having missed it again. She said that the next one was at 9:00 and that I would have to transfer. Since they are never on time here, I decided to wait there on the road, to be sure not to miss this time. I must confess that I was pretty upset. So I forgave and released all this to the Holy Spirit and then I read again my day's lesson, review the first five, then I meditated on "I am sustained by the love of God."
As Nubia told me that many people were going to go to Quepos, where I should take another bus, maybe someone will stop to pick me up. I decided not to hitchhike at all and simply wait for the bus. Then I prayed, telling the Holy Spirit that if there was one person that was good for me, and for the person I meet, the car only had to stop there, without me doing anything. And there were two in 2 minutes. I didn’t go see the first and the second guy went to Quepos! Ok, so I said it was sent, all confident, I climbed in.
At one point the guy started to go super fast. So I started thinking, “I love you my Brother, you're perfect as you are. I am you and you are me,” then he fussed with his shoe and braked suddenly putting the car on the side of the road and aimed a strike at me, snatching my hand bag and told me "Now, go." it was really crazy. I had the impression of being in a movie; I wondered what was going on, it was like watching a scene. Then I got scared. And I didn’t move, I stayed there and I started to say "I love you my brother, you're perfect as you are."
In my bag, there was my Course and it's really the only thing I wanted and he could take everything but my course or my passport. So I told him "Wait, my book, I want my book" and I reached out my hand to open my bag and take it, I kept repeating and I felt a deep calm underneath and a little fear to the surface. I absolutely did not understand what happened. I took my bag; he let me do it. I asked him what he wanted; he told me the money. I then opened my bag and went into the pocket, taking care to leave enough for me to catch my bus and live the next week and give him enough so he would be calm and not insist. I kept repeated the same words. When I gave him money, he said " Now go. " I wanted to open the seat to take my backpack from the backseat, he said "no, go," and I said "These are my clothes, I need my clothes,” I got back in the car to not to let him go and only got out once I had my backpack in my hands. I then shut the door and he left.
During all this, it was as if time stopped, I felt he was waiting quietly for me to give him the money, doing nothing, no threats, letting me do it, and what's crazy is that once I started to repeat that phrase, I hardly saw him and his knife. It was not me, a force beyond anything that I could be took control of the situation, for sure. It was spirit. It really was as if I was watching what was happening and yet in acting, but with a detachment such that I wasn’t fearful, I felt it was there, I saw it on the surface, even heard my voice tremble a little for a moment, but that's all! I don’t know what happened, but it was hyper powerful! Once gone, I found myself on the sidewalk far from the bus stop, a little lost, wondering what had just happened. I think I understood nothing... There I am on the sidewalk with my backpack on my back and the other around my neck. I have everything, and I'm here! Not knowing what to do, I walked in the opposite direction to return to the bus stop or Nubia’s for a moment before taking another bus to find Louis.
I felt the ego getting ready to strike and strike hard. Thoughts like, "because you did that, because you wanted to decide for yourself, because you did not listen, because you followed the ego.." and immediately I said "STOP. NO, you won’t get me! That is exactly what the ego wants me to think, that I was guilty, there I did something wrong and therefore I was punished! But no, there's no question, I will not fall into his trap. Guilt does not exist, unless I want to believe it, so there isn’t any! And then I stayed with the Holy Spirit, to contemplate it all. I was so confident that this situation was given to me as I had asked. My brother needed help, he thought he needed money, and I was practicing I was sustained by the love of God; so it was part of my learning. I helped him by giving him money, it's almost as if I asked him what I could do for him. In any case, even if on the surface, I felt a little lost, I felt above all really happy to have Given, to have helped my brother as The Holy Spirit wanted. I also practiced forgiveness because I felt fear still present.
I met Don and Walter arrived on the road, I told them the story. And I said that in any case I would take this bus, I felt I had to leave today and that wasn’t going to stop me. I had already missed the morning one because I had not listened, so this time I listened. Don shared with me what he felt and that I wanted at any price to go there, but everything seemed to go in the direction that I stay and that's what he felt. I told him that I felt I wasn’t there for sightseeing and I going left and right, but to serve and that I felt that I must go now. So I took the bus. I read "The Song of the Prayer” and was practicing forgiveness at the same time to remove any traces of fear still there. But I felt the fear was still present. I then told myself it had nothing to do with what had happened or anything else. The fear is only there if I choose the ego, so I must not be on the right track, maybe Don was right. So I got off the bus, crossed the road, and headed in the other direction. I went to join them at the restaurant bar near the beach where there was Internet. After talking with Don, he contacted Louis to tell him what I felt and that I was not coming to join him at the sanctuary, but rather on the 25th when he comes back from his friends house. Everything was perfect.
I then looked at my emails and saw that Bonnie had said she was waiting with great pleasure for me today. So I contacted her by Skype, and everything was put in place super easily, naturally. Even though Don told me that I was probably avoiding experiencing something that I was supposed to experience there. But I felt that my guidance was to leave, and the invitation from Bonnie was strong, intending to pick me up at the bus station, and quite aware that I had almost no money for the moment. She also told me she would introduce me to her network and that there were upcoming events.. perfect!
I felt that I was a bit afraid to go to Quepos, afraid to meet that guy, and it fell out super well; the bus going to San Jose went on another road, an hour and a half later.
I went half an hour early to stop this time! And despite everything I missed it. It was not until 1:30 that I asked people if they were going to San Isidro and they told me that the bus had already left long ago. Then I stayed, I felt that another bus would pass and anyway I had nothing else to do! And at 2:00 a direct bus to San Jose passing through Quepos arrived! Great, even better, because it allowed me to forgive fear also, marvelous.
Throughout the trip I watched my thoughts, my fears, and my beliefs. I read several whole chapters of the Course. I wrote everything that came to me. I did a forgiveness process with that Brother where I really felt strong love, it was full of light. Afterwards I noticed I had transferred his guilt onto all the Costa Rican men getting on this bus, because then I felt fear. I was afraid they'd steal or be aggressive or want to rape me... So I looked very closely at all these beliefs and I got the fact that I'm afraid of men, that I think you can’t trust them, that they only think about sex, and that they’re dangerous. Despite everything the fear remained. I then saw all the anger I had against men too. And necessarily how I identified myself with being a woman.
It was wonderful. Because I was sitting frightened almost all the way because men were sitting beside me; I turned my head and watched my neighbor. He also looked at me and smiled, and I felt my heart open again. I was not scared.
Bonnie was waiting at the bus exit, just playful. We went to eat pizza with Geoff, who lives with her too. She asked me what had happened these days. So I told her and she said "Well that’s it, you are really living the Course" and then all the judgments on me over this event and how I tried to provoke God fell away! Everything cleared up ...
Bonnie told me about a German couple traveling and living in Divine Providence who were come to share their teachings on the 2nd and 3rd of March and that I could stay where they staying as well. I then felt, mmmh that's perhaps why I received the guidance that Erik takes his flight on March 1st. A beautiful meeting in perspective ... we'll see!
February 21
With everything that has happened in recent days and especially yesterday, today I read in the Course, I think, that the ego does not exist. A wonderful reminder for me, as I feel called to go towards that. There is no ego and therefore not even a choice to make... guidance is guidance... I chose to experience either love or a cry for love. Either I extend the Gifts of God, or I forgive, and it simplifies the process even more... Guilt is not the point! And I come to the book by David I translate "Purpose is the Only Choice,” there is no choice to make, because the ego does not exist! And hop guilt out the window, hop!
And I realize in rereading what I wrote yesterday, how I analyzed everything I experienced. And I realize that this is no longer useful, I can only continue to question my beliefs and bring the ego’s trick to light and recognize that it doesn’t exist, that all that doesn’t exist! Waw, what a giant step. It’s crazy!
Today I stayed at home, at the top of the hill with a wonderful view over the city, resting, writing. A small jump in the pool to cool off a little siesta. I felt very strong guidance to rest this morning and give my Paltalk as expected. Bonnie, Geoff and Leslie, who live in this big house all left with other friends to a great picnic in a beautiful place apparently, but I do not feel called there, although I would have been glad to meet all those beautiful people. Bonnie encouraged me to follow what I feel, remembering me that everything is in Divine Order and therefore already orchestrated for us! Yeah...
So again, Holy Spirit, decide for God for me... and I blessed all my Brothers for all those forgiveness opportunities! Anyway, we always meet ourself, isn't it? There is nobody outside...
Love
Armelle
Translation made by Andy, thanks so much....
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