Today I felt inspired to go a little further into my beliefs and emotions related to the special relationship. So I dove into the section on the holy relationship and mind training, and here are the questions, quite useful, in my opinion, that I found. It brought me a lot of clarity about the relationships we have in general in this world...
How do I feel about letting go and what do I think love is?
Frightened, alone, empty. It is as if what I think love is keeps me alive, feeds me, fills me. Without it I don’t exist. I can clearly see that my definition of love maintains the identity of the character Armelle. I thought that love was romance, abetting, truth, sharing, freedom to be, but it's as if all that is only a facade and that behind these beautiful words is all that one really does with it...
Love is suffering, loss, reciprocity, compromise, eating, devouring, killing. I feed myself on the other. I have seen recently that if the other is happy, I somehow want to kill him. I project all kinds of emotions or images on him, to deprive him of happiness, because if he has it, I don’t! I must kill my brothers, to take what I see they have, because if it is in them, it is not in me. Love is an act of ongoing cannibalism, where I must be stronger to win happiness, to survive. If I feel deprived of something or lacking, it must be because of the other. Because if I feel a lack, I don’t have it. And if I don’t have it, it is the other who has it. He is therefore necessarily guilty. I feed on the other to fill my emptiness, who in turn will feed on me; it's a game of constant attack and defense. Because when I've had enough of being "eaten," I will defend myself to stop it, then I will protect myself, and attack even more. A game of alternating victim and executioner.
It is very helpful to see this, because it has nothing to do with love...
How do I feel in a relationship where I am not special?
I feel I don’t exist. For the specialness makes me believe that I exist. I exist as a separate person, what I have experienced until now; and therefore I feel frightened and sad to not be special, also not loved and unworthy. Yes, really worthless, because I think that I'm built on the fact that love must be earned; it isn’t something natural, which simply is. And since love means to be special, if I am not special, I am not loved. So what I am doing is not enough, as I identify with what I do, that means that I am not enough, that I really have no value, I'm not even capable of being loved, I am really less than nothing. This is my death... the death of my character, as I see it. Because all this is only a construction, based on beliefs and a past that proves and justifies the beliefs.
How do I feel in a relationship where I am loved in the same way as everyone else?
I feel that it is not true and that people are hypocritical at times. I want to show that I exist, I want to make a difference, I feel like I'm dying, don’t exist. I want to do everything to attract attention, regardless of how. I want to be the most loved. It is as if there was a challenge to win. I then create a competition and I experience jealousy, envy. I suffer from not being recognized, from feeling I have no value, and again, I feel really unworthy of being loved, nothing.
What does this mean?
I want to maintain special relations to maintain my character, the Armelle identity intact, still connected with the story that has been told for years.
But I notice that the special relationship prevents my realization of the vastness of Oneness, of All, it’s the major block. At the same moment I ask myself: Who is the “I” who wants to maintain special relationships in order to exist, to not feel empty, to not feel unworthy? It is the character! And what is the character? In fact, it’s the universal ego mind, which ultimately does not exist. So it’s something that doesn’t exist, trying to maintain something that doesn’t exist, to have the impression of, the illusion of, existing. And the character in itself doesn’t exist, yet in fact, is part of everything.
There is no longer a "doer", or one who does, who speaks, who seems to be, is no longer important. Whatever the form, words, deeds, body, everything happens beyond that. There is only one experience of being, in the moment, unaware of an identity or of a character who plays, but just being, there, here, with what is present, in the moment, without any past or future, in a single moment that exists only now, will never be again, and has never been. A blank page is written and fades gradually as it fills. When I write the second letter of the word, the first vanishes because the first letter is already past, and therefore no longer exists. The consciousness of being where Everything Is, without separation, all making part of the Whole, and the whole is not complete without the parts, which are transcended in the Whole. Nothing to reject, everything to include.
With Love in the sharing of the Truth, that we are
Armelle
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