I noticed that since yesterday, I have felt an uneasiness with Bonnie and Geoff that I define in relation to what I experienced... I put it to jealousy perhaps, because it justifies my belief that people do not like that I am completely happy....
I also feel a little uncomfortable because Geoff asked me if we were going to travel around the country once Erik was here... and since Bonnie had told me we could stay here until the conference, I then felt he had changed his mind, but didn’t dare to tell me! It brought me back to the belief that I bother people... I therefore asked my brother to express it, so I could see the presence of this belief and then look at it, release it...
So I questioned him, watching what was in my mind. Am I still competing, the "I am better than others"? I don’t think so, but in this sentence, there's me and the other... I simply see them as separated.
What would happen if none of this were true?? What would happen if I stopped telling myself these little stories?
While waiting for Bonnie to go listen to the national orchestra, a big first for me... I've never listened to classical music; I feel like a little girl, all excited, with sparkling eyes and open heart. And at the same time, there seems to be that, also... this flow of thoughts in my mind... I lie on my bed and close my eyes, just here, in the presence of the moment.
I question what is happening in my perception, because I am quite open to the fact that it could be nothing, it's just what I’m asking for... and it comes to me... Is there a problem with competition? Competition is just competition. Perhaps I don’t know what it really is... I then ask myself the same question in relation to jealousy... Where’s the problem? If I didn’t tell myself a story about it, everything is ok, if that’s what’s there, that’s what’s there, and it's perfect as is. I feel that all this leads me back to the here and now, instead of continuing to question myself and judge myself for hours. Everything is perfect as it is now, whatever...
I felt I released all my tension about it... This allowed me to see that, at this moment, in fact... I want to be loved by them. I want to be part of their complicity in some way I want to be their friend, their intimate one in the world, through words, acts... I see myself as a separate person who wants to join other separated people, and what I experience, is just that... Again, a defense to avoid simply being here, with all that is here... the joy of the little girl, in the present moment, what is here....
Thank you for showing me... thank you
While listening to the orchestra play this morning, I could see every thought that passed. It's amazing how many there are... Then the realization clearly came to me that we really have no choice, everything is already past. And all that must happen, will happen, whatever we do to prevent it. The same way everything that is not supposed to happen, won’t happen, whatever we do to try to force things. I then saw that it was the belief that we have choice that is the cause of suffering. Because without choice, I experience what I experience, and that's it. It’s what’s there, and I can’t change anything.
But if I have to choose, then I start to think "I shouldn’t have done that, I should have done this, and if I did that, and if I had chosen this instead, if I didn’t say that or if I said this, etc..." Anyway, we think we have the authority to make things different and we believe they would be better if they were different and that’s how the guilt comes in, because I didn’t make the right choice and so that’s why I’m experiencing what I’m experiencing, whatever it is.
And if I can also see it, just for what it is, without putting a judgment on it, or not telling myself a story about what happens, when I just look at what Is, life happens, takes place, without me feeling taken by the story, the emotion.
I also saw how strong the belief is that enlightenment or awakening must be something extraordinary. This can lead to the fact that one never stops at the ordinary, at the fullest simplicity, because it can’t just be that, it must be more. And so we continue to look again and again, never stopping, and passing, perhaps for a long time right next to what is and always has been... the obvious. Life is unfolding here, before our eyes, but we can’t see it, because we are too busy searching for... more, better, something else, the extraordinary.
What if that was exactly it? What if it was in the most ordinary...?
On Paltalk, the session was reading from the Course and there was a deep understanding of lack of choice and non-judgment of what is, from what I saw, which allowed me to be right there with what is. The lightness of life, that passes, that happens. Mmmh ....
What simple happiness, what lightness... to watch, to observe, to not judge... everything is ok ...
The reward today is still deep love, peace, and silence... It doesn't seem to be just an experience, it seems to be what is...
so much love, and thank you so much to all my brother who just reflect me that...
Armelle
Translation made by so dear Andy... with whom I am experiencing something really great in that "collaboration"... there is not really words for that, but as he told me, something like the oneness...Love Brother
No comments:
Post a Comment