Undoing of the family concept

This year has offered me enough distance, for it to be gentle, and beautiful opportunities to look deeper at the family concept... How does it play in my life? How do I feel bound to it?

I could feel a lot of faithfulness to a story that I'm telling to myself since years, and that being fully happy felt like a betrayal to my biological family, on which I was projecting an unhappiness, judging their way of living.

What I've been learning and praciticing a lot with them, in my mind mostly, for I didn't see them a lot, was taking back all my projections on them, all what I was believeing about them, and being trully honest with my feelings, daring going to really deep deep feelings that I never allowed myself before.

It has been a slow and gentle process, a step by step...

Before leaving Belgium for the States beginning of November this year, I spent one month at my parents house, by myself. It has been such an important time, for I was ready then to be who I am and sharing, shining it with them too. I was ready to express it and being uncompromising, seeing there a wonderful opportunity to release the specialness and loving them even more, without all the blocks.

Most of my day was in my room, meditating, reading, listening to talks.

My father doesn't understand what I'm doing neither why it is my choice, and it is ok... Before I would have tried to convince him, to explain, to have his approval in order to feel ok... But this time, there was no need for that, I felt totally ok with the fact that he didn't understand, neither approved because he was having other plans for me and my life!!!!! We had several discussions and every time he was asking me if I would come back to Beligum for his funeral if he was dying. The first time, I was so embarrassed, I said yes after a while, not daring saying no, but felt that awful sensation of compromise and not being honest. One week later, the same day, almost the same time, we had another beautiful conversation and again he asked me that question, and this time I felt such an ease to tell him that I wasn't sure I'll be coming back, for I don't know where I'll be, what I'll be doing and that I cannot make a promise. Also that wherever I am I'll be with him in my heart, in spirit, and that he can be sure... that I'll pray and be with him, but maybe not come back, and that my love for him is far beyond the fact of being at this funeral...

It felt that was the only reason of his asking, knowing that I love him, and that I'm not gonna forget him because I'm leaving the country, and living fully my life, my Calling.

The last day before leaving he told me everything he had in his heart, everything he was thinking about me and my life, and how disappointed he was that it's what I was doing with it. Before I would have been in pieces, and this time, I could just hear his sadness and the difficulty to express his emotions which then turned into anger. I saw he was exposing his "private thoughts" and I found that great, for it's what I'm going for... So I took that opportunity for also exposing some of the deepest thoughts I was having and that I never shared. It felt so right to me, to trust him enough that he could handle him, and explaining him that I was sharing because for me it was a block to fully join with him.

Ten days ago he sent me en email telling he didn't understand that and that... and again I didn't feel that need to justify anything, just telling him that I know he doesn't understand, he that it's ok, for the most important thing is that we love each other even if he doesn't understand me! He then told me that the most important thing is that I am happy, and that's all what he wants for me!

I wasn't concern about having a dad, as I've been in the past, of him being present in my life, approving anything I'm doing. It was all ok for me. It's just another opportunity to stand in the Truth, and follow God, join in the Love.


With my mother, it's a bit different, or that's how it seems, for I reflect to her a lot of things that are dormant in her heart, and I can and she can feel that. Since the beginning of this path, she has a lot of questions and fears also, fear that I am in a cult. So at first I was trying to reassure her, until I understood that it was also mine...!!!! I had a feeling like this inside!! Then one day she told me that when people were asking her about that she was saying "no, she is not", and then that even if I was, she never saw her daughter so happy so... it was the most important thing!

So I've been having conversation with her about forgiveness, about God, my love for Jesus, how the world is the reflection of what is in my mind. Mostly sharing my experiences and answering to her question. It felt that the specialness was undoing already there, for she was more drawn to me for all that, for the light that I was allowing myselfit to shine, instead of hiding Who I am, because I was afraid of being rejected. I told her that my Calling for God was the priority of my life, and what I will follow first.

Already in the years before I had told her mostly, that I wouldn't do something because she has fear and that she wants to be reassured, but because I feel doing it, because it's joyful and not out of obligation (as answering emails right the way, or even phone call, or calling when I was traveling...), and this was the continuing of it, even deeper.

I was already seeing before that they were just reflecting my doubts, my fears too, and that when I was totaly sure of what I was doing, totally aligned in myself, that's also what they were reflecting to me. They are the one with whom I learnt that before being in the Course, for it was so obvious! So they were then like my barometer...

During this month, I wasn't spending not that much time with them, and a lot by myself, which was great. I told them that I was just following my heart, what I was feeling doing, and not joining out of obligation. So that every joining we had was a great moment. I was also practicing not necessarily answering every time that she was calling me for asking something, but just when I was really feeling it, eating only when I was feeling, not when they were (it's part of the family concept there to eat together every meal), etc.

My mother told me that she was seeing me as a carmelite, those are Sisters in Spain, living in a convent, out of the world, only devoted to God. Yessssss!!!!!

When I left I told them that I didn't know when we'll see each other again in person, for I'm just gonna follow where I'm guided to go.

And during my stay I told them both that my love for them was far beyond the roles we were playing together, and that for me we were much more than parents and daugther, and that I didn't want to limit ourselves to that when we are unlimited. That I love them so much more since I'm following that path than before, and that it's still growing.

I've also seen that I cannot ask them to stop playing the parents role, but once I am clear in my mind that being a daughter to them is not what I want, once I really clear all what is bound in it in my mind, then again they just reflect me that.... That doesn't mean that there is no contact anymore, just that it's not coming from guilt, from a sense of obligation, a fear of not being loved anymore, but really form divine inspiration, from just following the guidance in my heart, and then joining is ... as it is with everyone!

My mother called me for Christmas, and we had a wonderful time together, where she was expressing all her emotions and crying, and I was so welcoming it, so with her, it was so beautiful, and so intimate, to let the masks falling down, to join trully. Again she told me that reading the email that I sent to family and friends she could feel that I'm really gonna spend my life in a monastery or something like this, and she was still asking me questions about how I see the world, about the conflits, the war,etc... This was trully the Spirit working! We also talked abuot relationships, marriage, following our heart, being in service to others. And I could feel even more than ever her deep Calling for more... for extending her Love, she has such a huge heart! And that's where we joined, in the Love, that One Love that unites us, far beyond all roles, or seeming differences.... At the end, she told me "I don't understand everything in your life, but I know that there is something that resonates deep in my heart".

This is the most wonderful Gift I ever received for Christmas, it was like God telling me "go on, you're on the right track... spread the Love, spread the words, Be who you are, stay there, don't move"

After another undoing in being a daughter in law this time, here with Erik's parents, in which I've been feeling as if they were asking me to be different than what I am, to compromise, to behave in a certain way, I've been shown by Jesus that no matter in which box or role people want to put me in, it cannot affect me, it cannot change who I am, and that none of what I'm doing is about answering to those, but about following Him. And suddenly all the resistence to all of that fell away, and deep in my heart, I just felt Joy of Purpose, Joy of following Him only. So I was willing to go to all the family parties for Christmas if it was His Will and following Him in every moment. Suddenly there was no pressure of answering to anyone else's desire, suddenly I was free..... In joining with Him, I found my Freedom.

The day after, I felt strongly to not go to the family party and offering me a very quiet, prayerful, deep evening. Taking the time to go inside, and look at a lot of things that had happened the week. This is all what my time is for... Erik was now supporting me where he had been more pushing me to be a certain way before, telling me also that no one had any expectation for me to be in a certain way! It was almost as a revelation. I could see my mind wanting to react and saying it wasn't really true, and in the same time, deep down I felt a huge shift happening, telling me it was all in my mind and offering me once again to follow my heart, being uncompromising, had undone all the perceptions I had of them, of the situation... Wow!!!!!

And several minutes later, here was another reflection of that. Through what is my biological mother, I was hearing how great it was to be uncompromising, to stand in the Truth, to follow fully my Heart. I was also hearing that when you are who you are, when you allow yourself fully to express it, however it looks like in the worlds' eyes, you awaken that in others too, you touch that deep part of their Being, the Core of their Being and wihtout doing anything, help them to remember.... Isn't it what it is all for...?

I have that image, feeling in my mind since several months already, but now it has taken whole its meaning.... When you have an encounter with someone, it's like the person is asking (in a very very subtle way) "Be Who You Are, so that you'll see me for Who I Am, because I forgot, and so, I'll remember..." and that's what Marie-France was showing me...

Wherever I go, whatever I do, it's all about being that messenger of Love and Light for God, and nothing else...

So why wait one minute more...?

Lots of love...

Armelle