Merry Christmas letter

A few days ago, the day before Christmas Eve, I was feeling a lot of conflict in relationship to my extended family and friend network - you know, all the people I've grown up with and who have known me for a long time. There had been all kinds of holiday parties going on that I hadn't felt inspired to go to, and I was feeling a bit guilty about that. My dad expressed that he was feeling sad that Armelle and I weren't sharing ourselves with everyone, and he expressed concern that we were denying them and ourselves the joy of connecting.

The greatest source of my conflict, however, was the fact that I wasn't sure if I was even feeling inspired to go to the big, traditional Christmas Eve and Christmas Day parties with the whole family! I felt a strong feeling of obligation to go and to share Armelle with everyone, but Armelle wasn't feeling very inspired to be amongst all my family, and I mostly just wanted to be with her and do whatever she wanted to do. Yet, the pressure I was putting on myself (but thinking was coming from the family) to attend the traditional dinners felt SO huge that I had a major conflict in my mind!

To resolve the conflict, the first thing I did was talk everything through with Armelle and with some other "mighty companions", and I came to the realization that the most gentle thing for me to do would be to just decide on definitely going to the Christmas Eve party, whether Armelle was going to join me or not. As it turned out, she decided to not go with me to that party, but the next day she got the prompt to go with me to the big Christmas party if I wanted to, which ended up being a wonderful time!

The other thing I did to resolve the conflict I'd been feeling though, was to write a Christmas letter to my entire network of family and friends, just to share with them exactly what's going on with me these days and how I'm doing. This was actually my dad's idea, as he had been having a difficult time knowing what to say to friends and family of ours who, at these holiday parties that I was skipping, were asking him what I was up to these days. Most of them knew that my life had gone through a radical shift in the past year, that I'd gotten gotten married and was on some sort of spiritual path, but (I assume) they were wondering, "Now that he's back in town, what is he doing, and why isn't here at this party??"

Lol... or maybe that's all just MY projection, since I think I'm so darn special... ;-)

Anyway, my dad asked me if I'd be willing to write an email to everyone explaining what I was up to, so that if they asked him, he could just whip the letter out of his pocket and have them read it! At first, I didn't like this idea, but then I felt it was really a prompt from the Spirit to get clear within myself about who I am now in relationship with my past network of family and friends. I had been feeling a bit of embarrassment about my "radical" spiritual path, and not knowing quite how to explain it to certain people when they asked, and so this would be my opportunity to clarify all of that, not just for them but for myself.

So after many hours of composing the letter on my laptop, I ended up sending an email to virtually EVERYONE I KNOW... expressing exactly what I'm up to now and what my life is all about now. And it felt so, SO GOOD!!! It was like a huge "enrollment conversation" (for those of you who know Landmark Education terminology), wherein I was completely releasing myself from who I had been with them in the past, and enrolling everyone in Who I Am NOW!

After I hit 'send' on the email, I could feel something HUGE shifting inside of me. It was the same as when I've shared private thoughts in the past with a mighty companion in order to release them from my mind. I no longer had to hide my spirituality anymore. It was like coming out of the closet! And later, when I ended up going to the Christmas parties and seeing everyone, I received lots of wonderful expressions of gratitude from them for having updated them on my life these days. I also received lots of replies to the email, all expressing gratitude for having shared myself so fully. Overall, it was one of the most healing things I've done lately!

So thank you, Holy Spirit through my dad, for prompting me to write this letter and to free myself from the past! I now stand in certainty that I can proudly proclaim my True Purpose in life to anyone and everyone who wants to know!

Here is the letter I wrote, in case you want to read it...

Dear Family & Friends,

I just wanted to write you all a Christmas letter to express how much I love you! Some of you I haven‘t seen or spoken to you in quite some time, but I wanted you to know how grateful I am for who you‘ve been to me in my life. I know I’ve been a bit of a recluse lately since Armelle and I got back to the States, and that many of you have been wondering “where’s Waldo?”, but I just wanted to reassure you that I’m doing well! I’m not as social as I once was - much more quiet and contemplative now - but I'm full of happiness, and I thought I’d take this opportunity to simply share with you a bit of what’s going on in my life these days.

As most of you know, my life has gone through quite a radical change this past year and a half. It began last April 2009 when I became inspired to take a leap of faith; to give up my hypnotherapy career, sell my house and 99% of my possessions, and devote my life fully to being a traveling minstrel for God, just going where invited and trusting in the Hands of Life to lead and support me in every way. For several months, I simply traveled where invited, wrote and played songs about my spiritual journey, and deepened in my faith that living this way was really possible and sustainable.

Then in October last year, an incredible miracle happened when Armelle, who I’d heard of through friends in our spiritual community but never met personally, called me one day to share that she felt she was receiving Divine Guidance that we were to be married in 15 days! Strangely, I felt a deep sense of peace and joy wash over me when she shared this news, even though I knew very little about her. When we got off the phone, I felt a war beginning to rage between my head and my heart. Actually it was only my head that was doing the fighting, while my heart was experiencing an Absolute Certainty that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I knew within a half an hour of getting off the phone that I was indeed going to marry her. We spent the next week talking on the phone for about three hours a day, sharing from our hearts all our fears about taking this leap of faith together. I then flew to Cincinatti where I had planned to be already, we met in person for the first time, and one week later we were married. It was the most Joyful day of my life up until that point, and if you want proof, you can watch it on YouTube!

Since getting married, we’ve been on a “Sharing Love World Tour” - which we chronicled on our blog (www.sharingloveworldtour.blogspot.com). We traveled to several countries around the world where we were invited, sharing our experience with people, sharing our creative gifts, and building the foundation of our first year of marriage. It’s been joyful and exciting, but also full of challenges and profound opportunities for inner growth. I never thought I’d get married, but now that I am, I feel completely different from who I was. I was always such an independent and commitment-phobic person who just wanted to be “free“ (as Armelle was, too), but now I can see how valuable it is to be totally devoted to one person. Everyday is a blessed opportunity to use our relationship as a spiritual classroom for learning trust, patience, and forgiveness.

Since being back in Petaluma (I arrived Oct 1st; Armelle arrived Nov 5th after obtaining her green card approval) we’ve mostly been spending quiet time in what we call our “sanctuary” (my dad’s upstairs Yoga/meditation room) simply studying, meditating, talking, watching inspirational movies, and volunteering on projects for our church (www.livingmiraclescenter.org). Armelle is working on translating many of their materials from English to French, and I am currently organizing a three-hour seminar in San Anselmo called “Practicing Holy Relationship” that we, along with a couple friends who are ministers of the church, will offer in February. I’m also working on my music a bit, as well as learning how to play piano, which I’m enjoying immensely!

Overall, things are wonderful and I feel such gratitude for the way Life has nurtured me all along. I look back on the incredible foundation that I was brought up in, with such a loving and supportive network of family and friends, and I cannot help but feel what a unique blessing it has been. All of you have contributed to my life in your own unique way, and I just want to thank you for being who and what you have been for me. I don’t know when exactly our paths will cross again, as I feel my life is totally in God’s Hands now and that my happiness lies in going only where He/She directs me, but I know that our true relationship is in Spirit and I will love you always.

Merry Christmas,
Erik

P.S. My new cell phone number is 707-364-0957. Please feel free to call or email me anytime if you wish to connect, ask me any questions about my life, or share something from yours.

This is my dream! Why do I use it for? Specialness or holiness?

Two or three days ago, I deeply realized that I am not part of anyone else's dream, that it is all mine. There is no one outside my mind. So they have no power over me in anyway, even when it seems to be so, I am still the one giving them the power to have the power over me.... hum hum, aren't we crazy? oh no, we just forgot to laugh!No one can ask anything of me, or take anything from me...This is just impossible!

So all what's happening is really there because I want it to be there and ot be exactly the way it is... If I really would had want it any other, that's how it would have been... so no need to complain, be a victim, try to change anything, for I am exactly where I am supposed to be at the perfect time to learn the perfect lesson, right now! And even more, that's what I want. Even if I don't seem to know it, or recognize it and think I'd like things to be different...

Later I went on MMT and started the "special relationship" section! Oh my God, powerful! I did the first part, and when arrived at the assignement, that was so releasing and so great to put all my thoughts, even the hidden one, on the paper, and giving them to the Spirit, to see so clearly how the desire for specialness is still playing but in a more hidden way now, more tricky!!

I just had been offered a pair of shoes by Erik's mother, and I took it as because I am Erik's wife, feeling also that I've been feeling I wouldn't have to buy shoes, that will be given to me... but it wasn't just that, not just coming from the Spirit!

Then we went to the Monday Course Group, about the Text. And in the car, I was saying to Erik that I'd like to have my Course in english, that would be easier for me. He proposed me one, but it's another version that I had in mind. When I arrived there, I borrowed one from the library, and Sharen offered it to me! Wow, shall and you will receive I thought! So fast! And here it felt totally Spirit given.

As soon as we started the meditation, I had that realization coming to me....

It's never the others who give me the specialness! It's only my choice, regarding which purpose I want to use them for? To reinforce what?

If I want to be special, I'll see specialness, ego, attachement, roles even, maybe even feel emprisoned, will suffocate and want to leavein some cases .

If I want to follow the Spirit, to Be Who I Am, I'll see His "footprints" everywhere I go, in everything I do, in every encounter I have, I'll see Love and only Love, for there is only Love...

So I have to come to see what I am doing, what I am trully wanting, asking and taking everything I'm projecting back to me in order for it to be released. Otherwise I'll be keeping projecting it and seeing it in others, as if they were doing something to me... which is impossible! I'm only doing that to myself. And I have the power to release everyone in me!

"Make this year different by making it all the same" T-15.XI.10

yes, it's all the same, I am the one choosing to see difference, separation, even the possibility that things could be different!


With Love and Gratitude to Him to show me everything I've been hiding from my awareness and undo the blocks so that I remember Who I Am in every moment...

Armelle

Undoing of the family concept

This year has offered me enough distance, for it to be gentle, and beautiful opportunities to look deeper at the family concept... How does it play in my life? How do I feel bound to it?

I could feel a lot of faithfulness to a story that I'm telling to myself since years, and that being fully happy felt like a betrayal to my biological family, on which I was projecting an unhappiness, judging their way of living.

What I've been learning and praciticing a lot with them, in my mind mostly, for I didn't see them a lot, was taking back all my projections on them, all what I was believeing about them, and being trully honest with my feelings, daring going to really deep deep feelings that I never allowed myself before.

It has been a slow and gentle process, a step by step...

Before leaving Belgium for the States beginning of November this year, I spent one month at my parents house, by myself. It has been such an important time, for I was ready then to be who I am and sharing, shining it with them too. I was ready to express it and being uncompromising, seeing there a wonderful opportunity to release the specialness and loving them even more, without all the blocks.

Most of my day was in my room, meditating, reading, listening to talks.

My father doesn't understand what I'm doing neither why it is my choice, and it is ok... Before I would have tried to convince him, to explain, to have his approval in order to feel ok... But this time, there was no need for that, I felt totally ok with the fact that he didn't understand, neither approved because he was having other plans for me and my life!!!!! We had several discussions and every time he was asking me if I would come back to Beligum for his funeral if he was dying. The first time, I was so embarrassed, I said yes after a while, not daring saying no, but felt that awful sensation of compromise and not being honest. One week later, the same day, almost the same time, we had another beautiful conversation and again he asked me that question, and this time I felt such an ease to tell him that I wasn't sure I'll be coming back, for I don't know where I'll be, what I'll be doing and that I cannot make a promise. Also that wherever I am I'll be with him in my heart, in spirit, and that he can be sure... that I'll pray and be with him, but maybe not come back, and that my love for him is far beyond the fact of being at this funeral...

It felt that was the only reason of his asking, knowing that I love him, and that I'm not gonna forget him because I'm leaving the country, and living fully my life, my Calling.

The last day before leaving he told me everything he had in his heart, everything he was thinking about me and my life, and how disappointed he was that it's what I was doing with it. Before I would have been in pieces, and this time, I could just hear his sadness and the difficulty to express his emotions which then turned into anger. I saw he was exposing his "private thoughts" and I found that great, for it's what I'm going for... So I took that opportunity for also exposing some of the deepest thoughts I was having and that I never shared. It felt so right to me, to trust him enough that he could handle him, and explaining him that I was sharing because for me it was a block to fully join with him.

Ten days ago he sent me en email telling he didn't understand that and that... and again I didn't feel that need to justify anything, just telling him that I know he doesn't understand, he that it's ok, for the most important thing is that we love each other even if he doesn't understand me! He then told me that the most important thing is that I am happy, and that's all what he wants for me!

I wasn't concern about having a dad, as I've been in the past, of him being present in my life, approving anything I'm doing. It was all ok for me. It's just another opportunity to stand in the Truth, and follow God, join in the Love.


With my mother, it's a bit different, or that's how it seems, for I reflect to her a lot of things that are dormant in her heart, and I can and she can feel that. Since the beginning of this path, she has a lot of questions and fears also, fear that I am in a cult. So at first I was trying to reassure her, until I understood that it was also mine...!!!! I had a feeling like this inside!! Then one day she told me that when people were asking her about that she was saying "no, she is not", and then that even if I was, she never saw her daughter so happy so... it was the most important thing!

So I've been having conversation with her about forgiveness, about God, my love for Jesus, how the world is the reflection of what is in my mind. Mostly sharing my experiences and answering to her question. It felt that the specialness was undoing already there, for she was more drawn to me for all that, for the light that I was allowing myselfit to shine, instead of hiding Who I am, because I was afraid of being rejected. I told her that my Calling for God was the priority of my life, and what I will follow first.

Already in the years before I had told her mostly, that I wouldn't do something because she has fear and that she wants to be reassured, but because I feel doing it, because it's joyful and not out of obligation (as answering emails right the way, or even phone call, or calling when I was traveling...), and this was the continuing of it, even deeper.

I was already seeing before that they were just reflecting my doubts, my fears too, and that when I was totaly sure of what I was doing, totally aligned in myself, that's also what they were reflecting to me. They are the one with whom I learnt that before being in the Course, for it was so obvious! So they were then like my barometer...

During this month, I wasn't spending not that much time with them, and a lot by myself, which was great. I told them that I was just following my heart, what I was feeling doing, and not joining out of obligation. So that every joining we had was a great moment. I was also practicing not necessarily answering every time that she was calling me for asking something, but just when I was really feeling it, eating only when I was feeling, not when they were (it's part of the family concept there to eat together every meal), etc.

My mother told me that she was seeing me as a carmelite, those are Sisters in Spain, living in a convent, out of the world, only devoted to God. Yessssss!!!!!

When I left I told them that I didn't know when we'll see each other again in person, for I'm just gonna follow where I'm guided to go.

And during my stay I told them both that my love for them was far beyond the roles we were playing together, and that for me we were much more than parents and daugther, and that I didn't want to limit ourselves to that when we are unlimited. That I love them so much more since I'm following that path than before, and that it's still growing.

I've also seen that I cannot ask them to stop playing the parents role, but once I am clear in my mind that being a daughter to them is not what I want, once I really clear all what is bound in it in my mind, then again they just reflect me that.... That doesn't mean that there is no contact anymore, just that it's not coming from guilt, from a sense of obligation, a fear of not being loved anymore, but really form divine inspiration, from just following the guidance in my heart, and then joining is ... as it is with everyone!

My mother called me for Christmas, and we had a wonderful time together, where she was expressing all her emotions and crying, and I was so welcoming it, so with her, it was so beautiful, and so intimate, to let the masks falling down, to join trully. Again she told me that reading the email that I sent to family and friends she could feel that I'm really gonna spend my life in a monastery or something like this, and she was still asking me questions about how I see the world, about the conflits, the war,etc... This was trully the Spirit working! We also talked abuot relationships, marriage, following our heart, being in service to others. And I could feel even more than ever her deep Calling for more... for extending her Love, she has such a huge heart! And that's where we joined, in the Love, that One Love that unites us, far beyond all roles, or seeming differences.... At the end, she told me "I don't understand everything in your life, but I know that there is something that resonates deep in my heart".

This is the most wonderful Gift I ever received for Christmas, it was like God telling me "go on, you're on the right track... spread the Love, spread the words, Be who you are, stay there, don't move"

After another undoing in being a daughter in law this time, here with Erik's parents, in which I've been feeling as if they were asking me to be different than what I am, to compromise, to behave in a certain way, I've been shown by Jesus that no matter in which box or role people want to put me in, it cannot affect me, it cannot change who I am, and that none of what I'm doing is about answering to those, but about following Him. And suddenly all the resistence to all of that fell away, and deep in my heart, I just felt Joy of Purpose, Joy of following Him only. So I was willing to go to all the family parties for Christmas if it was His Will and following Him in every moment. Suddenly there was no pressure of answering to anyone else's desire, suddenly I was free..... In joining with Him, I found my Freedom.

The day after, I felt strongly to not go to the family party and offering me a very quiet, prayerful, deep evening. Taking the time to go inside, and look at a lot of things that had happened the week. This is all what my time is for... Erik was now supporting me where he had been more pushing me to be a certain way before, telling me also that no one had any expectation for me to be in a certain way! It was almost as a revelation. I could see my mind wanting to react and saying it wasn't really true, and in the same time, deep down I felt a huge shift happening, telling me it was all in my mind and offering me once again to follow my heart, being uncompromising, had undone all the perceptions I had of them, of the situation... Wow!!!!!

And several minutes later, here was another reflection of that. Through what is my biological mother, I was hearing how great it was to be uncompromising, to stand in the Truth, to follow fully my Heart. I was also hearing that when you are who you are, when you allow yourself fully to express it, however it looks like in the worlds' eyes, you awaken that in others too, you touch that deep part of their Being, the Core of their Being and wihtout doing anything, help them to remember.... Isn't it what it is all for...?

I have that image, feeling in my mind since several months already, but now it has taken whole its meaning.... When you have an encounter with someone, it's like the person is asking (in a very very subtle way) "Be Who You Are, so that you'll see me for Who I Am, because I forgot, and so, I'll remember..." and that's what Marie-France was showing me...

Wherever I go, whatever I do, it's all about being that messenger of Love and Light for God, and nothing else...

So why wait one minute more...?

Lots of love...

Armelle

Upcoming Gathering

Come into the Miracle
1 ½ Day Intimate Retreat with Armelle & Erik Archbold
Dec 29-30, Petaluma, CA

To end the year in a state of deep forgiveness and clarity!

The purpose of this retreat is to deepen in our practice of true forgiveness and devotion to the Holy Spirit's practical guidance for us in our day-to-day lives. During the majority of our time together, we will use The Clarity Process*, a helpful context for group sharing utilized at David Hoffmeister's monastery, which invites open expression of private thoughts and leads to a deeper clarity and sense of freedom.

Also interspersed throughout the retreat will be some songs from Erik, an Inner Dance (slow, meditative movement) session facilitated by Armelle, and movies with spiritual themes in the evenings... all for the Purpose of helping us get in touch with our innermost feelings, and beneath those, the Truth of our Being!

Where? 307 6th Street, Petaluma (For those who do not live close by, there is the possibility of spending the night here, one or both nights. Ask us if interested.)

When? Dec 29th – 3:00 p.m. until 10:00 p.m.
Dec 30th – 10:00 a.m. until 10:00 p.m.

Suggested Donation: $90

For more information and to register, please contact Armelle via email at
armellesix@yahoo.fr or by phone at 707-364-0957.

*For more info on The Clarity Process, visit:
http://www.miracles-monastery.org/documents/clarity_process.pdf

In the High of the Miracle

One week at the Living Miracle Monastery in Utah, with devoted Brothers and Sisters... A deep Life Changing Experience!

18 hours travel and 3 differents airports to go from San Francisco to Salt Lake City. I felt having been lost, in Purpose, not knowing where I am, forgetting who I thought I was...

One day later, I arrived there, warmly welcomed by Kerri and JP, to start.

This week had for themes communing with everyone and everything, collaborating and knowing my deep Innocence....

Healing the pride

I immediately dove into the healing... starting by having the cleaning of the bathhouse as project; the first reaction was anger (pride surfacing) and almost simultaneously bubbles of Joy were exploding in my heart. I was so happy to be given that opportunity again where I've been having so much stuff coming up and rebelliousness. It was such a great opportunity to heal the pride and unworthiness still there, as well as coming into the Miracle that I've been experiencing when I was cleaning the PeaceHouse last year, where the only that mattered, once expressed all the blocks and beliefs, was to extend the love in everything, giving to all. It wasn't at all about cleaning anything! As it always is... just about love!
I started my project after the expression session, singing, and feeling so much love for everything.

Undoing the doer and collaboration

As I had expressed at Lisa the huge desire for collaboration and coming into that flow and wonderful experience of linking with my Brothers, one hour later, my prayer was answered (and it was just the beginning of it). We had to carry the wood under the roof, and were all there, in line, passing piece of wood by piece of wood to the one by our side. I felt so loved by my Father. As soon as we started I looked Frances, who was on my right, in the eyes, and saw an angel. On the left there was Ben and I connected with him too, and immediately I felt that it's what's all about... nothing to do with the wood, nothing to do with doing... and since that moment, I didn't look at the piece of wood that I was receiving, carrying and giving, but only in the eyes of those two angels... it was as if every time we were saying to each other "I know who you are" and suddenly the wood had no weight anymore, and I felt like if I was dancing the waltz. We were giggling and laughing as the love was pouring through... It's never about doing anything, but about extending Love, falling in Love, being in Love

Pull to be perfect OUT!

The evening we had a Joy session where Anna Carol poured her heart in, sharing her love through the Universal Dances, which were about "opening up" and then finished by singing. I felt singing that song that I wrote three months ago in Sweden and for which Erik and I didn't come to put the music on. It felt very given and so joyous so I did, without any music. And it was fabulous, for it was just about pouring my heart out, not about being perfect! Being in the Joy and extending... This song has for title "I Am", that's what it was about!! At the end of the evening, Kris offered me to put some music on it, which felt really great!! Thank You....

Innocent NOW!

Twice a week, Kerri is giving a MMT session, and this one was about guidance. This was so perfect to me as I was sharing the day before that I wasn't trusting myself that much when it was coming to guidance, for I was still so afraid of making a mistake.

The session started by the title "Innocent Now = Worthy Now, Joy Now"
I just had a call with Erik right before, where I've been angry, and it felt that this session was about deeply seeing what was playing with him.

It started when Leila shared that once we've identified the wrong thinking, and when it comes, we can unplug it immediately. So I wrote the thought that was always playing with Erik when the ego was involved. Then I wrote down how I was using this relationship, to reinforce what? Seeing that I was still giving more importance to Erik than to God, wanting to be in relationship with Erik instead of being in relationship with God (the Self however you want to call it) and extending the love from there, still wanting to having it my way and not necessarily how it's given, trying to controle it, wanting to be a priority for Erik, making him being a priority to me even prior to following my guidance sometimes and I still project on him to keep the conflict and the separation going on.

Then came the biggest part.... I saw that in spite of what I thought, what I was doing, I didn't want to be worthy!! For, WHO WILL I BE IF I AM NOT UNWORTHY ANYMORE?
This is my whole identity, the core of who I take myself to be, how I know me, me , me... And I was putting so much pressure onto me if I am worthy, creating a new identity, the one worthy.. I'll have to live up to some new standards, always being in the joy, never being upset anymore, demonstrate that only, being responsible ... being perfect actually! What an unnecessary pressure... Avoiding it, to keep the littleness going on, not having to be responsible for my state of mind, always being a victim of the mind, the ego, the thoughts, emotions.... NO, NO, NO! WOW, so much clarity.

Then I saw that I couldn't believe Erik, and everyone, could trully love me because I am so unworthy and so he (they) must be people pleasing me. So sometimes I was taking their love for an attack, a disguised hatrid, false empathy for they know how unworthy I feel, they see it, so they are not true with me, they do that for me to feel worthy, and actually it reinforces the feeling of unworthiness!
But NO ONE is doing anything! I was doing that to myself, using everyone for reinforcing it, the beliefs in my mind about me!

And at the end, my eyes stopped once again on the title "INNOCENT NOW = WORTHY NOW"
And wow... huge! I saw that I was still not following the guidance, even if I hear it, and doing things my way, in order to AGAIN reinforce the belief in unworthiness, so that everybody could see that I am not worthy, not trust worthy, rebellious, etc, and proving that I am not lovable, at the end, so that I keep my individuality! Not following the guidance to reinforce the unworthiness and then projecting judgements from others (which others???), fear of consequences, fear of rejection, abandonment!!
It felt such a release to see that, see how it plays out, how it is kept running.

No consequences from the past

Later I called Erik to share with him, but had no answer. When I was in my bed, I had some fear that he would leave me because of the call we had. I had gone too far. And felt fearful of being abandoned. In that moment, there was also a seeing that it is not possible that if he was to leave me it would be because of that phone call. It would be that it is what's happening, because it was meant to be that way. For there is nothing from the past that causes what I'm living in the Present. What I am feeling now, is my present choice, my present decision; and here I was given the opportunity to look at the fear of consequences and abandonment! wow...

Deep clarity

I woke up during the night hearing "you are not a body", and being in the feeling I experienced the day before when I was playing intuitive piano, there was a moment in which there was no sensations, no feeling, there was just the hands moving on the keybord, but no one moving it; it felt just like watching a scene in a movie. And in that moment, there was a recognition that clearly I am not the body! Then I felt such a clarity, a deep clarity, never experienced before... I felt so immerged in the light, and as quiet as I was, I was also seeing a little girl running everywhere around the Monastery, looking in all directions, and shouting "oh my God, it's everywhere, it's everywhere. there isn't one place where it is not... oh my God" and she was so happy, and unstoppable.

The game of the littleness vs the Certainty of Christ

During the stay I've been watching a lot the behaviors that were coming from the littleness, from the fear of shining, the desire for being taken care by someone, getting attention from someone, the fear of Love really that where it leads and how all those are playing out in my life over and over again... and how once seen and exposed, they don't have any power and there is room for the Love of Christ to shine through and guide the way!
One evening, I joined with JP with which I felt a deep connection, and I shared all what I was seeing. I could feel there was a lot of love, and as we were talking about joining together later, I saw the game of "I am so afraid of love", that I've already been seeing so many times. And more and more even when saying it, it didn't resonate anymore, it didn't feel true at all. I left for a moment and during that time I realized the play of that littleness, everything was seen so clearly! So when I came back, I told him, "I'm fed up of being afraid of Love, it doesn't even seem true anymore, I just want to go for it" It was so powerful, like a celebration for me! yeahhhhhh

The day after, we spent most of the morning together, and it was really funny because it was really about allowing that Love to pour through us, through our joining, and extending it to everyone who came to us or that we met during the day. It was such a demonstration of communion and extension. The whole day I felt bathing in Love, going from extending to deep meditations to extending...

Sharing the Gift of Inner Dance

I was really offered the FULL experience of the Monastery... Such an intensity, such a depth and a welcoming... One evening, I offered an Inner Dance Session right before the prayer night. One participant shared how deep it was for her and that it revelead that deep love which was pouring through her as dancing, and it's exactly what this si about... reconnecting with that Flow, that deep Love, our Essence, undoing everything we thought that dance was, as well as the dancer, and being danced through. It's always so beautiful for me to share it...I feel so blessed by the Spirit for that Gift. And for me, it's about bringing that into everything I'm doing, into the daily activies... being done through, this is the meaning of "I need do nothing".

Lifting the veil

Every morning, there is a Miracle Moment, which is an opportunity for one different person every day, to express a miracle, an insight, an undoing, healing, or a reading... Since I knew the date it was coming for me, I've been hearing "lifting the veil section"... I tried to find it in the contents without success. The day arrived, and all what I was hearing was "lifting the veil" but didn't find it. Until one moment, I felt it was in the "four obstacles" section. And here it was... I read it, without any confidence of what I was supposed to read... it's so long! (ah ah, as if the HS was thinking about that!!) One part took my attention, and I felt starting there. Then I heard that the theme of the day will be "My Brother is My Savior", as I was realizing the evening before how others are such a great gift for me, and seeing that where the fear and the littleness were playing again, there was an opportunity for growing, healing the belief of what I am not, and here I was seeing that what I was seeing in two of my Brothers, was the reflection of my fears, and an opportunity for me to come in the Certainty of Christ, it was so fabulous! so yes, the theme was really matching with my Gratitude... Once everybody there, I started to read and felt so deeply guided to what to read, passing over some passages to another one, sharing some realizations I had, as well as ending by the prayer at the end of the chapter 15 form the Course. It was so powerful for me, following so deeply, hearing so clearly Jesus, feeling so guided in everything. Three days before I was saying that I wasn't trusting me to hear the guidance, and how willing I was to hear it so clearly... and here it was! Lifting the veil, the fear of Love, of God, of my Innocence, of my Worthiness. Communing with my Brothers, joining, sharing all the Love, and removing the blocks... all the private thoughts that make us being fearful, shameful, etc... but we are not our thoughts! We are the changeless Love and Light, infinite and unlimited!

Falling in Love

I left the Monastery, the heart full of Love, having received the greatest Gift of all... Such a deep feeling of Innocence, a deep recognition which felt being the open door to Truth, to Love fully... And the two angels that welcomed me, Kerri and JP, were two wonderful reflection of me in that... one sharing his experience of it, the other reminding me to come back to that over and over, for this is the main thing!!! NO matter what's seems to happen on the screen, I am, YOu are Innocent! So let's fall in love with everything and everyone. As Erik has told me several times, this all what this path is about... falling in Love!
Hugging everyone, and receiving soooooo much Love from each of them, as giving everything... no holding back! In my experience, I felt we were all falling in Love with each other, revealing that so bright Light that We All Are.

It was so huge! I was in the car with JP, and couldn't say a word and still was ready to explode!!!!! He looked at me smiling, and it kind helped me to! So much Joy, laughter, Love. The car was full of Love as he said! So true...

Deep communion

We went to the Lighthouse before I left, working on some projects with high speed internet. Once those done, we started to do some music together and using that as a tool to deeply commune in the Spirit, seeing and sharing the blocks, and coming deeper in that Love and Joy. We made one song, so simple and so powerful though. When he played the music, I had that image of a little boy running in the field, and he felt something like that too. That was exactly it, Joy, Freedom and Innocence... this is what is all about.
That communion deepened as we were allowing the Spirit to pour through and going on sharing the private thoughts, following the guidance, and staying in the Presence. It felt as if time had stopped and there was only NOW.

Extending - Giving to keep

On the way to the airport, we met our friend, Melissa to whom we had the great opportunity to share all that Love that was pouring through, and reminding our Innocence, as well as how important it is to be gentle with ourselves. We don't need to push ourseleves through fear to undo, or heal... no pressure! Just being gentle... and letting Him lead the way. All that can be so loving, so joyful, so smooth and gentle... this was another step in the deepening of that for me who has been so hard with me that last year!

In the Strength of the Spirit

I feel my mind is so strengthened in the Truth. My already deep devotion to God's plan is sooooo deepened. My deep Love for Jesus is shining so brightly... I found again the little girl who was talking to Him almost everyday and running to go to church to hang on the cords and ringing the bells... the one who was singing in the chorus... the one who was playing the angel in the living crèche at Christmas... the one who was so spontaneous, so bubbling, so alive, so loving... Nothing can stop it! Everything is seen so fast, so clearly... and I can choose Peace instead of this...

In the Course, Jesus says something like... we will walk two by two through the ark, we won't go without our Brother... and unless you become as little children again, you won't go to the Kingdom of Heaven...


THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TO ALL OF YOU, thank You God to have created Me as You, thank You Jesus for speaking to me louder, and pouring your Love on me and shining through me, thank You everyone for being, having been a part of my Life.

I Love You All
Armelle

Answering the Call.... No doubts! Let's gooooo....

Wow, wow, wow... I don't know really how to express how strong the flame is burning in my Heart, my whole Being!! I cannot sleep, it's so strong...

That last week, those last days have been so deep in healing for me, it's amazing. where there was grief, I found Gratitude and Love... and a huge release!
Going deeper and deeper, not letting one corner of my mind sleeping on his habits! everything is to be taken back, seen, and offered to Jesus for release... All this is so powerful! There is certainly more to see, and I welcome it so openly, for this is really all what I want... GOD! There is no doubt in my mind anymore, no other purpose than Him, nothing I want more than Him...

And that's what I'm going for... I am so happy...

I'm leaving for the Monastery tomorrow early in the morning... youhouuuuu
One week, it seems as if I was going for forever, as if I was leaving everything and never coming back... coming back to what anyway? everything that I just wrote is already gone, already the past, and now... now what? to be lived, only to BE...

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to join with David on skype and sharing the so so so deep deep Call of my Heart for God, Truth... and it was wonderful! Right after hanging up I went on in the MMT program and the next thing I did, was watching the movie clip from the Matrix on the undoing!!!! Do you want the blue pill or the red pill???? Be careful... I only offer you the Truth... nothing more!!!

YEAHHHH that's it!!! I take the red!!! the red pill... there is nothing I want more than that! And anyway, it feels to me that I came to a point where I couldn't go back to anywhere... for there is nowhere to go, it's already gone...

Then right after, the next section was "undoing the roles" perfect! right before leaving, just to make sure!!! and watching that movie "roi de coeur" was fabulous... how to play the role without being identified with it! We just wear costumes, but we take it so seriously and then we think it's us and we forget to play and laugh.... pfff... was wonderful!!

I had several wonderful encounters those last days, and it's so great to extend all that love that is pouring through me...

I am so grateful for everything...Thank You God for loving me so much and taking care of me as you do... for all the part where I am not trusting You fully yet, I am willing to, just show me how... for all what I am not hearing You fully yet, I am so willing, so make it louder... You are all what I want.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjDojEOiMcE

Lots of love
Armelle

This needs not be!

"If you cannot hear the Voice for God, it is because you do not choose to listen. 2 That you listen to the voice of your ego is demonstrated by your attitudes, your feelings and your behavior.3 Yet, this is what you want.4 This is what you are fighting to keep, and what you are vigilant to save.5 Your mind is filled with schemes to save the face of your ego, and you do not seek the face of Christ.6 The glass in which the ego seeks to see its face is dark indeed.7 How can it maintain the trick of its existence except with mirrors?8 But where you look to find yourself is up to you." T-4.IV.1

I was hearing this title again and again and didn't really know what to write. So I prayed and I've been led to my Course to read this... Then I understood what the Spirit wanted to teach me tonight...

Since my marriage with Erik so much stuff has come up. There has been very very intense time, and also quiet time, peaceful and loving. I was pretty new in the Course, and didn't really get a deep experiencing of the principles. I knew them for the most, but it wasn't experienced most of the time. I was still blaming Erik a lot for what was too intense for me...;-)

I was so arrogant and wanted to be so right. I never liked the feeling of being the one that has to learn, being the "student", so I was rarely opened to what Erik was willing to help me with, until I couldn't bear the pain of keeping holding onto "I want to be right", "I know better", "there is no one who needs help", or even "this is my experience so you cannot take it from me, and don't tell me it is not true!" (this one is a great one;-))).

There was such a deep unworthiness and such a strong unconscious desire to not feel that, to not accept it, to not go through it (even if on the surface it was talked about, I just didn't want to feel it deep down), kind of a desguised desire to keep it, by constantly projecting it outside onto Erik's behavior. It has been expressed and seen in so many different ways, I don't even remember, but most of the upsets we had were coming back to that same belief... that I am so unworthy, such a piece of shit, such an awful person, not lovable... (different variations to have more opportunities to bite into it, so ingenious!) Underneath that was the desire to hold onto my identity... I've been that all my life (even if I wasn't aware of it), what would I be without that story? Who would I be if I started to be happy, loved, gentle and true with myself, and that I was fully following my heart. Because guess what? That belief, is one of the core to not follow FULLY the Spirit! Even practicing the lesson... it says in the Course that we don't need concentration to do it, we just don't follow what is said because we don't feel worthy enough; and I feel it's so right.

The resistances I've been feeling all over this past year were about that... feeling unworthy! Oh yes, I've been looking at it, diving into it, going back to the past, analyzing it, and ... still there!

That's why I wrote this first paragraph, that's what I wanted to see, what I've always wanted to see... because I wanted to exist! I wanted so badly to exist on my own, by myself, being the center of everyone's world.... and so I was paying the ego price for it.

That was the deal: "You'll be the shining star, standing up on the first step of the podium, being the center of attention, such a special person, you'll succeed in everything you do, easily, and then one day something will fail and you'll think it's you who failed and you'll know the other face of the coin, for it's always one or the other. You cannot have one without the other, even if the other is just masked. Once there, we'll alternate so you keep go on playing the game of being a person. For you like so much the shiny part of it!!!"

And so I played... diligently, unconsciously, taking on the pain, for the pride, for the acclamations, to E-XI-ST!

The relationship with Erik, so well choosen by the Spirit (such a great matchmaker), was perfectly designed for it to come up, and be healed...

It didn't take one whole day for it to happen! The evening of our wedding day, it started... I felt so overwhelmed by that Love and anger showed his nose... and it was just the beginning of it. Then it came in jealousy, rejection, fear of abandonment, withdrawing myself, rage, wanting to die and a lot of other that I might be forgetting (you'll forgive that!!)

All that made me going through a lot of pain, sadness, feelings of powerlessness, being a victim of myself, the ego, Erik, others, seeing my path as being in a cult... I've been so violent with myself to protect it!

All that to not feel the unworthiness, all that to protect the identity, the mask, to not allow the Love to pour through, to not allow the Spirit to guide me (making Him fearful at times too), to not join with other mighty companions (I was feeling so inferior to them, and so afraid of my reactions, that I was afraid to join physically). Such a great play to keep me imprisoned in the role I've been playing all my life.

There has been so much resistances and every opportunity I had to take the words of Erik or a mighty companion to reinforce that was used to distract me from going on with the Course, to pull back from David or the Messengers, to not follow the guidance and reinforce that old friend pride, and arrogance, and rejection. For in those times, I was rejecting them as much as I could, lying to myself on what I was doing, and still being so aware that it was what was playing. I've lied so much to myself. I was so afraid that Erik could "cheat" on me, but I was so much cheating on my True Self, betraying the Truth about me all over again...

I was seeing in everyone what I wanted to see to keep those beliefs about myself, to keep being who I thought myself to be. I needed mirrors of this belief, so I couldn't see the Christ, didn't want to, it was my survival... It wasn't their acts or behaviors, but who I was choosing to be!

And I wasn't looking in the Spirit to find myself... in those moment... and it has cost so much pain and delays!

And no, beloved Brothers and Sisters, this need not be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The day of my interview at the embassy to immigrate to the States, I received an email with a statement saying something like "if you don't get what you want, it might be a great opportunity". I got my visa approved, but I had to wait another 12 days to receive it. At first it was ok, but then once I was with Erik on the phone, it came to a point, that once more, I wanted this relationship to end. I felt so punished and felt as if it was the end and that I would never see him again. So I wanted to end it now!

What I've been learning those last months is that I am not the one in control of what happens... whether I leave or stay! It is how it is, I am not the one deciding if the relationship will last or end. Which is great in time a crisis, for I know, even if I go through all that unnecessary pain, that I'll still be there, and that has been helpful in allowing all that deep repressed anger and rage to come up. Every time I was afraid he could leave me, I was ready to leave, but never did it.

All that had nothing to do with Erik... whatever the form it had, it was all and always about me and what I was trying to protect by acting in a certain way, by feeling in a certain way... He is just the angel put on my path to help me releasing all those blocks to Love. (full of gratitude)

We talked for hours and hours and hours that day... until finally everything was ok. Once all the fear released, all the thougths expressed, there was room for Love...

The next morning, one of the first thought was that it had to stop!!!! I really couldn't go on like this, it is so painful and it needs not be. So I prayed.

And 30 minutes later I had a plane ticket to go to Mallorca joining the devotional there with David and the messengers. And since then the Spirit doesn't stop to show me how loved I am, how worthy I am...

I felt such a shift just going there, just stopping resisting to what I felt was my life, my path... since the first moment I met Helena and David!

Screwing all that up to exist? Doesn't it sound crazy???



"Surrender...

Surrender Holy Child

Come and dive into my arms

I will hold you tie and never let you down

Come, come and make me First

For the Fruit of the Kingdom are Yours

Trust, trust and trust again

For I will never let you down

How could I, we are One?"



With Love and Gratitude

Armelle