Releasing the belief in attack

Last night, Armelle got into an argumentative discussion about our relationship, and I was mostly feeling that she was just "in her stuff" and unable to see clearly. I felt like she was coming totally from her ego and being attacking towards me. At one point she sort of shut me out and put on her headphones, so I had some time to reflect on the discussion and see it differently. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me see it all differently, and I began writing in my journal the insights the came to me. Afterwards, I felt waves of peace beginning to come over me, and I laid down to go to sleep. Shortly thereafter, as if my peace had extended outward, Armelle put her arms around me and it was as if the argument had never happened. It's so great to see how this stuff can work! :-)

Anyway, here's what I wrote in my journal that helped me come to the clarity and peace...

If Armelle is getting upset with me for any reason, then it is really that I am doing it to myself. It is really just that I am still choosing to make attack real in my mind and then see an external symbol of that. But in the moment when I perceive the attack, if I am willing to question the interpretation of what I’m seeing an attack, and become willing to recognize the Infinite Love that is Everywhere which renders the images of the world and the bodies as meaningless, then I will no longer be focusing on the image-concept of an angry body. If I’m no longer interested in that idea, I won’t see it anymore. It’s just like when I became disinterested in watching TV; I just don’t see it anymore. It may even appear that a body is still shouting at me or even being vicious, but rather than getting hypnotized and zooming in on that one, tiny image, and giving it a special meaning (ie. “She is getting upset with me. She should be taking it back to herself, etc..”), I instead will be aware of the Whole which has no parts. This will completely transform the way that the images are perceived, for they will be seen as nothing more than a thin veil which tried to cover the Face of Christ. The Face of Christ will shine through the veil now because it is what I’m asking for, being that I have given up interest in specialness of any kind.

The more I remember all of this, and practice it, the more I see the miracle happening, which is nothing more than a complete shift in perception for me. The seemingly “other” person usually feels it too and "flips" into a witness for peace at some point, although maybe not immediately. But usually far more quickly than if had I “fed the fire” of the ego by still perceiving the ego as real in them and something I needed to get rid of.

Ultimately, I wish to see that everyone is already enlightened. And that is actually the Truth that is, outside of the illusion of time and space. Everyone is already enlightened and always has been. It was only MY illusory dream and my erroneous interpretations within that dream that made it seem otherwise.

So I think I'll practice remembering that now. There's no one outside of me. Only God is real, and there is no other power or reality or Will than God's.

-Erik

Let do ... Welcome miracles



I always want something different, something other than what is there ... and everything is there, but I do not want it, I want more, I want something else.

I really want there to be a quest, that there be a path on which to walk, that there be something to find ... I do not want what is there, just now. For if there is a quest, there is a seeker and that's what makes me special, seeking. And if I no longer search, I'm not special.

Because that's where it all began, the Son had everything, everything was there and he wanted to go elsewhere, he wanted more, something else, something different and we replay that over and over again indefinitely, not taking what life offers us in the flow, and desperate to have our own individual will and create what we believe to be good for us. And struggles come from wanting to still play in both worlds, to be part of both worlds.



I saw it tonight regarding my trip to Toronto where for several days, I was inspired to contact a friend to spend the first days at his place, and as he did not respond the way I had hoped, I didn't answer anything, and I got it into my head that I had no place to sleep on arrival and I would see what the Spirit would give me, opening myself to other possibilities. But everything had already happened, everything was already done, planned, and yet I did not want to see it, because it didn’t meet what I wanted, imagined.

But who was wanting?

 So I wanted something else, so I imagined that there could be something else, something even better. But I'm not following this path for me to make friends, but for the healing of the mind and I do not know what my best interest is. So I have to trust what the Spirit gives me and defer to Him, to the guidance that I feel in me and not try to do things differently in my own way, to seek again and again ...

STOOOOOOP! It’s time to stop seeking. It is time to stop and see that Everything is already there ... that is what Spirit was telling me the last night at the center "Rest. Do nothing. Do nothing anymore. I’ll take care of everything ... "



Wow miracles are flying, this is crazy. I just finished writing all that and opened my FaceBook and I saw that Janet, from Toronto just wrote me and asked me my flight number, arrival time and told me not ask questions about my lodging. It's wonderful, absolutely wonderful. I had just accepted what was there, realized I did not need to search for anything else, and now the Spirit is manifested through my sister to talk to me ...

I replied, telling her about this friend I had not heard from recently, but to whose house I was obviously guided to go, although I haven’t had a reply, although I have no assurance, even if I don’t know it with the certainty of this world, I know that everything has already happened, I know that everything is orchestrated. I shared with her that I had this confidence in the Holy Spirit and I felt that everything was perfect.

She replied instantly saying she would be at the airport to greet me with a sign with my name and that I would have a place to sleep, everything is taken care of for me ... She and Carlos are taking care of everything!



It's wonderful ... I burn from the inside, it's so huge, it's so true, it's crazy!



Stop wanting more, stop wanting something else ... Open your eyes to what is ALREADY HERE.... and let go to Spirit, trust Him, a trust complete ...

What joy ... He does everything, I do nothing ...

Love
Armelle
Translated by Andy

In the silence

In the silence of Eternity reigns Life
with gentleness and simplicity, things are happening.
No need for plan, no effort to do, everything happens exactly the way it supposed to
Trust and surrender are companions of this deserved rest.
No, my friends, there is nothing to do;
no, nothing can be changed, forced
remember, everything is perfect.
Things come and go, as people that surround you.
Nothing as meaning, except the one that everything is used for you to learn, again and again, the meaninglessness of this world that you see.
Nothing, there is nothing.
Emptiness... absence
rich and full of Presence
here is the Truth
here is the wholeness that you Are
there is nothing to do, except not interfere
let the flow go, follow
nothing for asking questions and expecting from
no answer that would give meaning
anyway there is nothing to understand
live, live
stop seeking...
everything is here, now
you've never stopped being what you Are
you've never been separated
then stop seeking
stop, and simply recognize
believe, believe Him, believe Me
if there is one thing to believe, this is the One
you are this Presence
you are this Awareness
and nothing, absolutely nothing can change it
nothing can alter it
nothing can making it going away from you
except if you choose to give the power to
there is nothing to seek, for it's there
you Are there, now and every moment of the now
then love, and rejoice
nothing has ever been taken from you
you still are what you've always been
today, sipmly, open your eyes and see...

I love You
Jeshua
Communication April 28th

Armelle

David Hoffmeister on the marriage prompt

Friends,
Here's a video from the Mallorca devotional retreat with David Hoffmeister that Armelle and I attended in which he is answering the question, "Will the Holy Spirit ever ask us to do something we don't want to do?" Laughingly, I answered from the audience, "Marriage!" since that was certainly the last thing my ego (or Armelle's) would have wanted to do! But in this video, David talks about how helpful these types of guided prompts are for undoing the ego. Enjoy...

Pictures from Costa Rica

Here's a few pics that were taken of us by our friends Dean & Judy at our recent stay with them in Costa Rica...

Uncovering Deep Unworthiness ... and some release

I just watched "The Shift" by Wayne Dyer ... wow crazy, I cried almost all the time and even afterwards I could not stop... I really felt how I am not, I don’t want to be a teacher of God, I have nothing to teach... I know nothing more than every other person because we all have access to the same truth. Life is not about teaching but living ...

I saw myself at Mingan, with Carole on the beach, collecting all my wood to make sculptures and there was nothing I didn’t dare do for fear of failing ... of being judged ... I felt profound happiness, great joy to be there, to feel so good, inspired ...

I saw myself quit the piano because I was afraid of not being good enough, because I was not good at the time (I was learning), because I was afraid of not being perfect, I didn’t dare to take singing lessons because I was afraid of not being able to sing in tune and making a fool of myself was a childhood dream ... I stopped taking pictures because I wanted to be a photographer and I was afraid of not being good enough, because I didn’t know a lot of theory nor Photoshop so I found myself nowhere ... when all I wanted was to share love, the essence of things through my photos... I didn’t follow through with my book because I was afraid it wasn’t good, feared being judged, of failing ... I saw the cottage near a lake, that I dreamed of in Quebec, with all those children that I could gather, with a garden, horses, piano playing and singing together, paintings, games .. that's what grabs me in the guts, that's exactly it ...

I am nothing more than that either ... all I can do is to share the experiences that brought me where I am today, but I know nothing more than that .... all I know is that when I practice it all, I am inspired, there is nothing more than that, nothing .... there is nothing else ... I reviewed my guidance for our world tour... it was about meeting people, about this picture book "Face of Love", going to orphanages to share the love everywhere ... it was never about travelling where we were invited to give lectures or workshops ... He talked about possibly going to Course groups, but nothing else ... Then what happens?

Today, my lesson is "Only God's plan for salvation will work” and three questions are posed... What do you want me to do? Where would you like me go? What would you like me to say and to whom? I have the impression that God just replied to me ...

With Erik, we also made a list of what was keeping us from accepting the atonement, from experiencing awakening now and consistently ... and I gave it all to the HS, and I gave everything to him, absolutely everything, even my relationship with Erik. Because I do not want to be tied to anything that keeps me from living the essence of who I am ... ever, I won’t pass by what my heart says ... Life is not about being spiritual, it is not about being or trying to be spiritual, but about Life .... I shared all this with Erik, and I could see that I expected a reaction from him, as a response ...

I also told him that I felt like going into the mountains with Bonnie if it was still on. I understood that I had previously not wanted to because I wanted to be spiritual; I thought I was above that. And what I felt during this film was that I denied what was there ... I always felt a deep sense of total harmony with everything around me when I was in nature, I have had profound experiences of unity, where I'm just One with everything, and that was part of what I wanted to let people experience where I created a nine day retreat on the islands ... to return to your Essence, break habits, create free time to just live in the now, without control, where everything could be let go to explore that .... I remembered all that and I felt strongly to just stop lying to myself. Finally to be in nature and appreciate it, nothing different from being with people ... There is no difference between a tree and a person, in reality, so why should I deny it, avoid nature on the principle that it doesn’t exist, that it’s illusion ....  no more than all the people I meet every day but I interact with them, and learn and grow through it ...

I feared Erik judged me for that, and I think I was in my ego because I was speaking of nature like that.

When I went to bed tonight, I meditated for a long time on today's lesson. And I asked God to guide me very clearly on his plan for salvation for me... I asked three questions: What do you want me to do? Where would you like me to go? What do you want me to say and to whom? First I began by telling myself the idea of the day "Only God's plan for my salvation will work" in which it was important that I see that God's plan will work and others will not work. So I concentrated on it for a long time, I repeated these ideas many times, more and more slowly. I then saw that a lot of thoughts were passing by, but I didn’t hang on, and I felt that behind it, I was profoundly present. I reread all of that required long practice for this lesson and therefore the three issues as well.

I then received a tremendous guidance, super inspiring, but huge. It brought me back to something that completely inspired me and moved me almost two years ago, I was sharing with a friend but at the end of it I had never dared to go as I felt so worthless and that it was not worth the trouble to try. Wow, it was so clear. I finished by falling asleep.

Then, during the night, I kept coming back again and again, I could not keep up, I saw that there was a healing that was about to be made about my belief that I was unworthy. There was like a movie being played, a story that was written. I fought really hard, and yet I felt I was pushed out of my bed, to get up and write.   I finally snapped, so I felt it very powerfully, as if someone had spirited me out of bed! It felt like hours had passed, yet ... it had been just over three ... It was the middle of the night. All images, voices and stories that were created had vanished ... leaving me, with myself awake at night, my head full of it all, yet at the moment unable to put them on paper ... It was so huge. I felt I was resisting getting up because I was afraid ... oh deeply afraid of waking, of my salvation. It was really that. I felt that it was towards that I was going and I was frightened, and that's why I did not get up. I half consciously saw in this dream that I was really prepared to follow this guidance, this vision that came to me, these feelings of happiness, of excitement in participating in this, of going beyond my fears, the memories of my springtime enthusiasm two years ago when I shared this excitement with Bob and that I was going to do it and he pushed me to go after that, I felt inspired. And I saw the whole way I had come since and that all that was there to give me the tools to go after it ...

Wow it was enormous. I really felt the power of it. I was afraid and wanting it at the same time. I wanted to cry, as if I were saying goodbye to someone, as if I was leaving, leaving something known for forever and at the same time I felt such a deep inspiration, something very quiet, very powerful. As an assurance that everything is perfectly in order, on the road. A joyful peace, not an excitement that seems to fall after a few moments or even days ... something quite different. I'm not even sure I experienced it. It looked like what I experienced once I had shared with Erik the guidance that we would get married ... everything flowed along, it was normal, things followed their path.. In writing, I see myself reading a book, writing it all. In my resistance to getting up, it was like I was afraid of meeting Jesus. I felt it then, so present. I felt as if carried. And I fully realized that as long as I didn’t get up not to write everything that was there, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I felt really driven to get up and write.

Then I also saw that all I had felt earlier in touch with my essence was also a way of not facing things that still make me so scared and so I really wanted to be very small, doing tricks and that is what is not envisioned for me now. In writing this, I am swept into something that completely overwhelms me, and I feel fear. Afraid it won’t happen, and fear of not being little, as if I was even afraid of the word ... I dare not write it! Fear of being great, powerful ...

Yes I had to go through all this just to finally live, to know a profound humility and stop doing things to be recognized, seen, loved, but just because that's what I was guided to do and be aware of how the ego tries to turn the guidance to his advantage. I feel the same fear that it won’t happen, that I felt with Erik, with regard to our marriage. It is as if it was offered as something I always dreamed of and so much that it wasn’t happening, I could not believe it. And if that didn’t happen? I had just communicated with Jesus and in the end he told me to close my eyes, then I saw the guidance anew. My single motivation today to do things is guidance. Because if I am not inspired it is in any case doomed to failure. Moreover, I no longer need to be recognized. I recognize myself for who I am, indeed, the Son. I feel so humble, if not that, then as sad as I have the impression that it comes from letting go of my identity, the past, the 'self' an illusion with which I had identified. I also have the impression I’m far from Erik ... This may be the end of the special relationship, as in the dream I had yesterday morning ... I was there just to learn to love him unconditionally, and set him free ... and I love him like I never loved ...

March 13

I got up tired and mostly confused by the guidance I’d received very clearly on several occasions last night and tonight. It really made no sense. I didn’t understand. And anyway all this seemed completely beyond me. I shared with Erik; it was talking nonsense and yet it was so inspiring at the same time, that I felt that the guidance completely took me.

He shared that he didn’t really know what to think because it had no meaning or value at all for him, but he also felt that there was something really inspiring and healing for me and also that he was afraid of losing me. He thought that, as this project would take me a long time while we weren’t together, that we'd become distanced. It’s funny because I felt that too, but not at a physical level. I felt that following this guidance would take me beyond the personality of the special relationship and that, indeed, there would be detachment, but this would be simply the letting go of the special relationship, and that this was surely what he was really afraid of. For me, when I say that I'm afraid of losing it, I’m actually really scared of losing my "self."

A little later, I felt that we were really separate. Erik told me that it might just be because I was confused about this and that he was also confused, so we felt separated. I suggested we look at it more closely to get back to clarity. He asked me a single question, he asked me what my next step was, what was I guided to do now; I thought, and I burst into tears. I felt like I’d done something terribly wrong. Everything seemed so abstract and nonsensical. I also wrote to David and Jason to share what I’d been going through and get their advice. My biggest fear is letting go of my guidance in order to still be loved by Erik, for fear of losing him.

I then read my lesson, which seemed to take me some time, it was so hard to think! I did my meditation for my daily lesson and the question "What is salvation, Father? I do not know, tell me, so I understand" came up...
"Salvation is when Spirit takes charge of everything, when there is only Him, and the world is no more than a playground for you to extend love and who you really are."

It's crazy, that’s really what I’d felt since yesterday, that Spirit had taken the lead, that He was in command, and there was just this profound presence. I spent a lot of time in silence, meditating. I fed on this presence. I wasn’t hungry, but Erik asked me to eat and I joined him.

I feel that I was redoing what I often do. It's so hard for me, it seems, to stay where I am without feeling guilty and then rejoin others where I think they are, really believing that there are others, and that if I'm on my path, I’m separated from them.

It was time for Paltalk. I felt guided once again to make a point about the special relationship. I spoke of the impossibility of loss and of the completeness of God, that we just have to accept it, instead of belief in loss. Because if we are all One, we can’t lose anything, nor ever be separated from anything. I also talked about the nonsense of the special relationship, it actually has nothing to do with the other person, it's all about me. (I see once again in the instant I’m writing these lines, that the way Erik takes care of me, that I reassure him that we will not be separated, that I reassure myself, I doubt; I became very small and I cried. I cried because I was so afraid of being great. I'm so afraid of shining and doing it without him. It’s as if I feel so guilty that I sabotage myself. I destroy myself. I kill myself, so that the relationship can still exist. In fact, I kill the Son so the ego can still exist...). I proposed a guided meditation incorporating the theme of the lessons of yesterday and today. It was super powerful, I felt full of love ...

Erik told me he was going out with Bonnie to run errands. I went to take a shower. Meanwhile, I felt like I was dying, as if he was abandoning me again. He seemed detached from me, to have a life apart. When I went outside, he was still there. My stomach hurt, I didn’t feel well. He took me in his arms. I told him I didn’t feel well. He told me to rest, and to rest my mind too. I sat on the couch and I began to write whatever came. At one point, I begin to doubt what I’d written; I told myself that it really had no meaning with regard to the Course. I felt bad, I wondered what was happening, that I would think all of that? What if the ego was really well disguised in the Holy Spirit? And if I put everything on that? And if I simply could not trust at all what I felt? I finally stopped writing; I felt too lost in all of it.

I read my emails and I saw that Don had written to tell us that, with the cancellation of the conference by Bonnie, Geoff and Rocio, he could not pay for Erik’s airfare, because he had been counting on that money. I got really angry. I calmed myself, thinking that anyway he's stronger than me, I replied. I thought this whole charade had gone far enough and that it was high time he took his responsibilities. Somehow, I wanted to give him a lesson! I also felt that we were being punished, that he was punishing us because we were living at Bonnie’s. It was full of injustice and I told him I thought it was time for him to fulfill his part of the contract.

Later I watched "Proposal" with Sandra Bullock, and I cried again, seeing how she was protecting herself from being loved by destroying, by spoiling any chance to experience love, by fleeing to "protect" herself by hiding her feelings, by being strong and tough. I saw so much of myself in there. I saw myself with Erik’s parents, having so much fear of all that love, I created a situation where I only had four days to spend with them, to be sure not to get too much love, to be sure of not flipping out, I destroyed myself. And I separated myself, and I went away and found myself far off, alone. It's been that way every time, everywhere. I don’t know how to really let myself be loved. I don’t know how to be loved without fear of being suffocated. I also saw that with my parents, I think, I feel that I don’t know how to let myself be loved.

I left the room once the movie ended, without saying a word. Don had responded to my email and added a copy of all those who would be attending. I felt really humbled and I just wanted to kill him. Once in my room, I cried, again with all my tears for destroying myself so much, that I couldn’t be loved, for having so much fear... how could I get out of here, of that? I felt that the mail from Don killed me again, I felt that I’d cancel, I’d repay him his money and not go there. Anyway, nobody is irreplaceable, eh? I’d really had enough of all those stupid tricks, this bullshit of a world tour, which resembled nothing at all, to have to be invited to give lectures or workshops to go somewhere, to not follow my heart, my intuition and trust that something would fall into place. I still held it against myself for not going to Bali, then Australia, I felt it so much. I was so angry that I never listen to myself. Again, I felt like going to Canada. When my father told me that I would finally find myself at the Olympic Games in Vancouver, I felt something right about it, then David also told me that I could go through Vancouver to go to Montreal, and that was my first intuition. But I didn’t want to trust myself, given what had just happened, so I wanted to listen to others. As if they knew better than me.

I was so angry with myself that I again want to die. I know I closed the door on that, and yet I felt how it drew me so strongly. I was sick of this life, it didn’t resemble anything and I was really unhappy. I’d so much prefer to just play the piano, paint, write, create, in a house by the sea... I don’t want to run after something my whole life. Everything is here now. We are fortunate, Erik and I, to be married and love each other deeply. Why aren’t we content with that and with experiencing what our hearts guide us to? For me, it doesn’t guide me to do what we are doin ... I even feel like I’m being sacrificed!

I couldn’t stop crying, and it was hot, I went to lie beside the pool. I couldn’t stay in one place, I felt so bad. I went back in and saw that Geoff was in the kitchen. I feel like going there rather than near Erik. He saw that I was crying. We talked for a long time. When I shared that I just wanted a simple life, ordinary, he said that it was the ego who said that. I said to myself that this was possible because I had felt that too with the guidance that night; that in this simple life hid the fear of being great and that was certainly what I was destined for. As Geoff had also told me. We talked about the conference and I said I didn’t know if I'd go. He said that he, without going, without having read the Course, merely by our presence, by the many inspiring things I had said or had achieved, or felt that I shared, he had already received a lot. Indeed, it’s a question of being.

I then went to Erik; I told him that Don had replied to me and basically what he’d said, and that I thought I wasn’t going to the conference, that I didn’t feel very present in these conditions and that I would refund him for the ticket. Erik said he also was feeling very deep emotions, a really intense terror. And he didn’t yet know what he would do. So I wrote to Don and copied everyone, I wanted everyone to know about his lack of honesty and integrity. I don’t think it came from good sense and I realized once again that perhaps I was punishing myself. But I’d had enough of all that. I preferred to withdraw.

I turned off the light a little later and told Jesus that he could wake me anytime if he wanted me to write. I felt like I couldn’t sleep and that I had things coming full blown into my head like last night and then felt called to get up now. I therefore find myself in the living room writing what I receive from Jesus.

March 14

I felt completely lost this morning, tense. I wasn’t sure that my decision to not attend the conference was right. I was in hell ... with great pressure on me. I felt I was just punishing myself again, I felt so unworthy, unworthy of even being there, present at the conference, being among all those people who were full of value.

I stayed lying on the couch most of the morning, eyes closed, without a word, questioning again and again this worthlessness, relentlessly, re-entering it so it would reveal itself to me, show me the truth. It had been hidden long enough, I could no longer let it determine my reactions.

Late in the morning, I read my lesson "I will there be light,” it was timely. While reading, a click occurred and I felt like sharing everything I had experienced and had felt with the other presenters to whom I had sent the e-mail yesterday. So I told them everything.

I shared fully with them how I felt when I received the email from Don, how I felt ashamed and humiliated, and I wanted him to feel as ashamed as I was, that I really wanted to kill him for doing that to me.. and that I fully realized that all of that was just because I felt really unworthy to be there, unworthy of participating in the conference; I was very afraid and Don had just given me an excuse, whatever it was, to be able to go back out of it ... and that my decision didn’t come from a good spirit! And I finished this email with "I'm sorry, forgive me, I love you and thank you," Hoponopono. This came without my reflection. Once sent, I felt a lot better, so light for having taken my responsibilities, and for being honest...

I felt guided to go find more information about "hoponopono" and to practice it intensively for the rest of the day fairly on this situation, the people, everything that I perceive in others ... powerful, really!

Then I read my mail and saw one from Cricri who spoke of what she was experiencing and I felt that all the responses she received were addressed to me, crazy. I, who usually read very little, read them all. Caroline and Sylvain after that, were guided to lead a Paltalk session just before mine ... Mmmh, I was guided by that .... great!

I was listening to them, it was wonderful, so many answers. It was so full of sweetness and practicality ... I wanted to stay with it ... I feel it bringing me back to calmness, to the simplicity of the Truth. I was guided to not read the text of the Course today. So I wrote a message to share that, and I wrote that I felt like staying with what is here and let it steep, and that it’s really happening on another level. Once they had finished, Caro said she had read what I wrote and it just meant that there are no levels, that everything is always perfect.

I then felt I was guided to speak, to do a Paltalk, no text, but sharing what I experienced, to open myself, to dare ... wow, very big. So I took the microphone, and I began by thanking Caro because her sharing again brought me to the fact that I do not feel I’m higher or lower than others, like at the conference, and that I felt really unworthy to give Paltalk. Then I started to cry.

I ended up telling everything I had been through the last three days and all the awareness that I had. Even if I cried for an hour, and at the end, I felt very light, true, no longer hiding ... Sylvain said that I showed my innocence, Caroline told me I represented strength for her, that’s what she felt, what she saw ..., I felt that Paltalk was very powerful ...

I wanted to relax and read for the rest of the afternoon, then Geoff said he had watched two episodes of "touched by an angel” last night and that he thought they were talking to me. At the end of day, Erik and I watched them together again, I couldn’t stop crying, Erik was also moved. In fact, we watched three, there was a second DVD! And the third was the strongest for me... from the beginning, I felt it. The girl was doing gym, and her mother was behind her. I felt it was my life unfolding on the screen.

I saw myself working, again and again, for hours to be the best, it was something easy for me ... from 7 to 13 years, up to 14 hours of training per week in the last years, it was the only thing that mattered to me, I've lived for this ... to win, to be the best. I saw that I even saw my friends as enemies because I must, I wanted to be the best. Yeah, that was that my life, I learned to win,

I learned to be the best at any cost, who cared, all that mattered was to win. I thought that was how I would be loved ... I had to win. Then I won everything, all the competitions. That’s all I did, gym, I even stopped the piano (I couldn’t win there, I learned, and I felt so nothing, I was not good enough, not perfect ...).

In the garden I practiced all the time. When my cousins came over, I dragged my little cousin off, I taught her and she learned really well, super fast. So she went into a club near her home and after a short time, she was taken into another elite club, she went on to contribute to the Belgian championship. I was not there. But although I dreamed of being champion of Belgium, I knew it was too late and I was already too big and too old. Despite all that, my mother wanted me to train there and to try. I went there for a week without saying anything to my coach, like a traitor, ready to go, but keeping a spare tire ... In conclusion, I was too tall, it was too late ....

And when I went back to working out the next week, I said nothing, but my teacher no longer paid any attention to me, at all, I was always put on the side, it was horrible . Especially as I had won all competitions the previous year, I had to move to a higher division, just before the national, and my first competition was coming; I trained myself alone, I said nothing, didn’t speak, I felt so bad, rejected, a traitor ... I screwed everything up at the competition. I was so ashamed that I never returned to my club, I've never done gym, I never talked to my teacher, we didn’t even say hello and I held an atrocious grudge against my mother.

I really felt that she pushed me to go there for her own good, so I'd be better than my cousin, for her to be more proud of me, to fill her own sense of unworthiness, to realize what she had perhaps never done... that’s what I experienced. (Maybe I just don’t want to take responsibility for having failed, it’s possible, but at least that’s my story, my interpretation!) and this episode told absolutely that, it was crazy, I cried from beginning to end, then I spoke with Erik, as I realized that my whole life had just been competition again and again without stopping and that's also what I shared on Paltalk ... I felt so worthless, that I should win everything ...

March 15

Standing at 5:30 today, I felt pulled out of my bed, I felt the call to write ... I am. How do I know where all this will eventually lead? I learn not to plan for the future, not to seek to understand, to follow what I feel and stay in the moment. Mmm ... a program to start the day.

I’m just coming out of three days of very intense emotions. What I have done most? Crying, crying and still more crying. My God, I’ve never cried like that. Why? Mmm, enormous realizations, unworthiness as never seen or felt before, and a major transformation process initiated too, I think. I feel good, I feel I was run over by a steamroller, and got up. Finally, I thought I was out of it...

I continued to practice hoponopono, I really felt the momentum coming from my depths and pushing me in that direction, all the faces that came to me, everything that I associated, everything that I sensed in myself ... again and again ...

Erik had a long conversation with Don on Skype, which brought a lot to both of them. Afterwards Erik asked me how I felt about what happened in relation to Don. I told him I'm ok, but at the same time Don never responded to my e-mail and has already talked to Erik several times on Skype and never asked to speak to me about whether things were clear, so it is obvious that there is still something there. And I know I haven’t taken a step to talk to him either, and that despite everything, he acts as if everything was back to normal, and anyway I'll be there.

Then Erik asked me what Don was referring to about what happened. Well, I think it almost puts in my face everything that I don’t want to see or not accept in myself, or that really bothers me. The first thing for me and the biggest is unworthiness, then irresponsibility, rebellion, wanting to do things by myself and not listen to others, letting myself be distracted by others, rather than following guidance, to please others rather than to feel what is really right for me, to be there so much for others as to forget myself, … and even more, but that's already not bad! So yes, it's clear we didn’t meet for nothing, I know that. And I also know that it is a blessing for me to see it all at once! We talked about all that. The conversation became deeper and deeper.

I really let go with confidence, I felt it was so right at this time. Erik seemed so guided, knowing where he was going ... I don’t remember too much of all that, because it was really very emotional and very far away. Well, I burst into tears again, further and further away.

We came to this: when I was a little girl around the age of 5, I decided that I didn’t deserve to be here, to be born, that I had nothing to do here, my mother had told me that I was an accident, I was not foreseen at the time, that it was faster than expected, but that was just fine. And that was an accident, but a very beautiful accident. I guess I must have interpreted that by the fact that that characterized me, I should be beautiful (which was my whole life ..) and especially since I was born in the bathroom, which can be very funny when it is well understood, but what I remember is that I asked questions for a long time trying to understand how I survived my birth, how could I be born in the bathroom and not die. And I therefore deduced that I was really just crap. That is the interpretation I made from my mother's words. Initially, she told me I was born when the car broke down, but I didn’t understand what it meant when she told me that people went to the toilet when they couldn’t stand up. It was therefore like a toilet.

So I made a decision, probably made sometime before, that seemed to be what was very conscious. I really did not deserve to live, I should not even be here; I’m an accident, and I'm shit.

That is what the last 32 years are based on. These are the foundations of my life so far. One great day, I will come at last, after years of research on myself, to understand, to find out why I screw up almost all my relationships, why I fall out of nearly all of them at one time or another, why I always seem to destroy everything, why I am so proud and so self-sufficient, I can even feel superior ... my life has been based on the fact that I am a shit that should not be here!

And if I didn’t beat myself to show I'm the best, if I wasn’t the first at school, if I didn’t succeed at what I did, I was a shit, and I couldn’t do this, because if I’m a shit, I'm only good to throw in the toilet and disappear ... and yet, I continued my own self-destruction, proving to myself again and again that this was really all I was, constantly repeating abandonment, rejection, of which I was so afraid that I often rejected or abandoned first .... or I became unlivable; I did everything to stick to the image I had of myself, what I thought of myself .... Especially since about age three, I would often poop in my pants because I preferred to play with my friends than to go back to the toilet, and one day my mother told me that if I did it again, she would rub my face with it. I didn’t believe her and the next day I came home all proud, having made poop in my pants, and she did it. She rubbed my pants full of shit on my face. That was therefore everything that I was, just like an animal, really of no worth, none.

I had never believed that those stories, which I’d laughed at all these years, had assumed this meaning for me. I had interpreted them as defining me, so I was nothing but a shit! Given which, everything that I succeeded at or as soon as I was happy, I blew it, I couldn’t make it ... I really couldn’t. Most of the time I put it on the other person and the more time passed and I advanced, the more I realized that I had a worry ... that I wouldn’t let myself be loved, that I couldn’t ... that I was afraid of commitment, etc. .... other stories came to explain what I experienced and never until now did all that come out, never ... it was so deep, I cried my guts out. It had perhaps come before and didn’t get that response to what was inside me, more than the separation from God, at a metaphysical level, but here in this moment, all that made sense. Finally, I understood, I had found everything that was keeping me away from happiness, why I was so afraid, why I always act like that.

I have created so many tragedies, I was the queen of drama, again and again. And really, I did so much harm, I was so angry ... It's really huge. I realize that these 32 years have been screwed up, over and over again because I interpreted the words of my mother in that way, and I kept having experiences that proved it to me again and again, not letting myself be loved or not too much and not too long, leaving it one way or another, being in any case unable to stay in it, whether in my relationships with friends, professionals, family or lovers, I acted like that everywhere ... full of shame, full of indignity, hidden under a huge layer of super self-confidence, even going so far as to take others for the shit and be really intolerant and judgmental. It could not be me, well no, it must be the other person. And all this led me into a game where I was always the poor victim of it all. This suited me well because at least I wasn’t responsible, I had nothing to do with it, it was not my fault after all, I was just a shit, so I shouldn’t even be here ..

And I haven’t stopped playing this game. I felt it so deeply. I saw my whole life unfolding in my head, reviewing all the situations, all that I missed, all people that I blew off, all that I tossed up in the air, every opportunity to be happy that I had destroyed, everything, I saw everything, it was so huge that I screamed...  I always had to be the best, superior to win because if not I would obviously be abandoned, you don’t drag a shit around with you, eh! Of course I completely identified with the story of Armelle, I'm well aware of it ... Erik wanted to continue and help me out of it, out of the story, to let the history go and I couldn’t, and the more he insisted the worse it got because I didn’t feel capable of letting go of all that, even here I was nothing even here I still tossed it in the air. He said he was so excited because it was huge what I was experiencing, so much... he already saw how happy I would be, how all my relationships would change if I let go of it, if I let it all go.

But I didn’t get there ... it was too much; I really didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what I could do to do it differently, to no longer do that ... I was so lost. All I wanted to do was to cry over my past 32 years of shit! All I felt was that it was so huge, I just wanted to take the time to experience it, to be with it, to be super sad and conscious. I didn’t feel like doing anything, just to stay with it .... and I was sure that the Holy Spirit would take over now ... I therefore remained in it all, constantly reviewing images, everything again and again, regretting, blaming myself, and at the same time, a part of me was deeply happy to be there today, with Erik at my side, who never left, who is here and more than here, with me, accompanying me through all this I was going through. It's been years I dreamed of meeting someone like him, someone who would stay, beyond anything I could do or say to make him go.

The Holy Spirit had grasped the magnitude of fear in me, it was clear that to undo it all, I needed something solid so I wouldn’t leave again. A marriage and a tattooed alliance, yes ...

What I just experienced with Erik was what I dreamed of for years, to finally get all that out, and that he could go where I'd never gone myself, that he could dare, that he could speak, say everything that came to him, wow, it was crazy ...

I spent the rest of the day pretty quiet, always there, very sad and very lost.

That night, when I went to bed, I prayed and asked God to show me what was still blocking me, why I couldn’t let go of this unworthiness, what was it I still clung to. And then I saw lots of situations from when I was very small when I really felt, or I thought I had hurt someone and I was so angry with myself ... I had not forgiven myself and I really thought I was a bad person. I felt so ashamed ...

I also realized that I really never wanted to be responsible for anything, it was never me, it was always others ... I never wanted, never could be responsible for screwing up my life so much, it couldn’t be me, because then I could have done otherwise, and even here tonight, I can’t be responsible, it’s horribly painful to be responsible for one’s life, for all this destruction; God it hurts, I hurt so much...

Tuesday, March 16

I woke up still in the same story as yesterday ... always the victim, still unable to create anything other than drama. Even here, I felt as if Bonnie wanted us to leave, it had nothing to do with the fact that she moved out the next week, but because of me. Because I again screwed up everything! It was still my fault. I was unable to enjoy what was offered to me, not even able to just follow, to open myself to what was proposed to me. That's what I was thinking when I woke up. I flogged myself, I victimized myself. I should say "yes" more often to their proposals, even if I don’t feel like it, I should have been more cheerful about doing that. In other words, don’t listen to myself. If it is, I missed plenty of opportunities. That’s the story of my waking day.

Moreover, I felt so much fear, yes, really full of fear. I was afraid to go to the guesthouse with others, afraid to participate in the conference, afraid even to prove that I was just a shit, I felt so scared and so helpless ... I wasn’t even able to watch Erik, nor to say a word to him, I felt so ashamed, so nothing, just not capable. I felt so sad. I was not even able to get out of there, either, pfff really too nothing.

When I read my mail, I had received a very long one from my friend Christiane in Belgium, so full of sweetness and joy, I cried, I could not get back to myself. I felt loved from so far away. It was love, full of love.

I then read my lesson "The light has come." The more I read, and less sense it made! No light had come on me today, not really, I could say that. It was not there! That’s what was going on in my head. Nor did I do meditation, it didn’t make sense to me. Erik joined me, I was listening to the satsang that Sylvain did yesterday evening on PalTalk.

At one point he asked me to tell it. He shared how it felt to go over to the guesthouse on Thursday and report to the conference, I told him what I was thinking, to which he responded. And really, I didn’t feel in there at all, so I told him I couldn’t help but I was sure he would find the answer in himself. Then I continued listening to the satsang. At this time, Sylvain spoke of the anxiety that came from the deep desire of wanting to absolutely control events, rather than let them be what they are. I shared it with Erik, and it was like he needed to hear it. Hearing it all helped me a lot to go back there, now, as a first step, but the story, and profound despair of not knowing how to be otherwise, were always present. An enormous sadness, heavy, suffocating.

I went to have breakfast, Erik too. And while I ate, I still heard the story that was telling itself. Everything seemed to be a reflection of the story. Even when my knife slipped while I was putting almond butter on my bread, and some oil stains were deposited on my t-shirt, I told myself that I really was only shit and incompetent. Voila! Even that proved it to me. Yeah, I thought it so strongly, so deeply, I could see only that everywhere ... I ate super fast, I saw myself do it, I thought I felt sick, to see myself crazy, to have something to hide and filling myself with food helped me to hide what should be. My way of eating rushed me. As if we were leaving tomorrow (I was wrong in the days), and it was necessary to clear out what was in the fridge, to leave nothing... but something really pathological, I felt it. I saw it in my gestures.

A little later, I turned, I kept moving, I could not keep up, I felt stifled, that I was dying, I could hardly breathe, stay standing, to remain seated, lying, whatever, to be present with it .... it seemed to eat me, to chew me from the inside. It was like a monster. Erik saw that it wasn’t working, I still didn’t speak I didn’t dare, I couldn’t, there was so much shame ... He ended by asking me how I was, if I wanted to talk about what I was experiencing. I replied that I did not think so, no. Like there was a danger. I couldn’t share with him what I had in my mind and then with what had happened yesterday, even if very consciously, I knew very well that it had nothing to do with what I was experiencing, I was seeing this from the part of my mind which held him responsible for being where I was today and not having gotten me out, although I knew very well it was enough yesterday, I couldn’t do more ...

So I got up with my computer and went to my room. I was aware that I had to do something, but I didn’t know what, and I felt I was being kept prisoner of what I was experiencing and I simply could not do anything to get out of it and there was also no exit, so I choked, I could not even breathe, open a door, look out the window, there was nothing (wait a minute, when I write this, a thought came in relation to claustrophobia and I think, that's where it comes from, the fear of being locked in myself, to be facing myself without escape, the fear of facing my death ... because that was what I was experiencing, I saw myself die, unable to do anything ...) So I went to my room silently, thinking of calling Sarah. She had helped me so much already, I was sure that she had the words that I needed ... But while she was present when I left the living room, she was absent once I got in my room. I therefore sent her a message on Skype. And no answer... So I said I had no choice but to talk to Erik, because I felt that I was so caught in all this suffering in this story ...

I took a shower and then went to join him in the lounge. I have always had trouble breathing. I sat down and he asked me what was happening. And then I melted, I could not hold back; yet I felt something that held me, a terrible fear, a huge shame too. I told him I had been afraid since the morning, I was afraid of everything. He suggested I tell him what I was afraid of, to name them would help to deflate them. But I couldn’t, I didn’t know what it was, I just knew it was huge. I wept hot tears, because I didn’t know how to be happy. All I could do was cause dramas, because I didn’t know what to do to be happy, and I felt so lost. He said it was ok, I did not need to know, that everything would be OK ... Then I told him how I had really been so bad since I was very young, I had really screwed up almost all my relationships at one time or another, and I even thought about when I really wanted to hurt my friends, or buddies, or my relatives, I realized that I really wanted to hurt them. I was so self-destructive, I was always fucking everything up. I cried so much ... He said that it was fear, just fear.

I told him that normally, now would be the time I would shut down; it was always when I would leave. I've never stayed on when it came to that, ever. He told me it was ok, that I should not worry, everything would be fine.

I told him about Bertrand, because he was always in my mind, and that it was at this moment that I screwed up everything, I lied to him again, well yes, I lied so much, all the time, to protect myself from everything (to destroy myself really, to keep me away from everything, especially love), I told him that after our story got so borked, we had a great turn and he was so adorable, ready to really take things in hand on his side too. He left for a few days in Spain with his parents and family and before leaving he gave me a ring, and promised me that nothing would be as before, that he wanted me to be the mother of his children, that I be his wife. It was so wonderful. And I began to experience irrational fears when he left and again I screwed everything up, I told him that I’d call him one night, and I deliberately did not because I felt controlled and I could not control him there and I didn’t know what he was doing. So I cut my phone, and he called me all night, he was like a madman. I was so deliberate, I don’t know why I did it. Since then he never wanted to speak to me, he told me I was crazy and he hated me, I had caused him so much suffering. And I wanted so much for him to forgive me. Erik then told me "and if you began by forgiving yourself? God has forgiven you everything, absolutely everything you've done. I forgive you too... and you?” I wanted Bertrand to forgive me so that I could forgive myself.

I told him I was so scared, I never stayed, when it got to that point ... (I saw that there, I was really at the dawn of true happiness in all areas of my life ...   and there is a "noooooooooooo" crying inside, like "you're not going to do this to me, eh?") He told me it's nothing, that I need not worry, everything would be fine. All this was just because I was so afraid to shine, to be who I am. All this was just the story, and it was because I was afraid, so afraid that I reacted like that. It's just fear, just fear, everything is ok. Gradually, as he repeated it, I felt that it subsided in me ...

Who was really afraid? Yeah, it was not really me, it was the ego. It was the ego that was afraid of death, of the light ...

I was back again in history, hop, one foot still inside. I did so much harm, I' was so horrible, so ... Erik took his computer and started writing! I told him “you see, I'm so nothing, that even you right now, you have nothing to do with me ... You don’t even listen to me!” He told me that yes he was doing both simultaneously. I saw that I was just replaying the victim and he wasn’t fitting into my game

I got angry and I got up saying "Yes, that's it, just like the others, really all the same, all hypocrites ..." as I went into my room. It's crazy because in speaking to this point, I realized the power that the ego can take. I've heard it. I mean at that moment I felt as if possessed. Fully aware of the words coming out of my mouth and not at all affected by them, as if a play was going on inside me. I found myself completely schizo and for the first time that didn’t frighten me.

I was lying on the bed, and I just watched it. I saw myself crazy, and I thought what could happen that would be worse would be to be in a psychiatric hospital, and then I would have plenty of people around me, plenty of opportunities to practice forgiveness, time to be creative, paint, write, play the piano .... I would be fed, housed, not in need of money ... Then I heard Erik’s words, it was just fear, you were just scared, it's okay, everything will be fine ... Then I thought of my grandmother and I thought she must have been so frightened, and even more to have never been heard, understood. I felt so blessed to have Erik at my side. I laughed at myself to see me talking like that.

It reminded me of a lady in Dinant, where I grew up, walking always talking to herself and I often laughed. And there I was, I laughed ... Then I fell asleep, I felt exhausted. During my sleep, I remember there were fears that rose, I felt that my heart quickened, and I heard a voice say "it's just fear ..." and then "irrational", and repeat it again and again whenever fear was rising. When I woke up almost two hours later I felt different. It wasn’t there anymore. None of all of that was there. I was a little perplexed, as if I had to be careful that it didn’t go away, and I felt quietly happy. And the more I woke up, the more I really felt joy, I felt that having dared to tell myself, dared to see myself crazy, had made it all disappear... There was no more fear! There was no voice either. I couldn’t feel the ego. There was just a simple joy.

I got up and went to join Erik. I felt some reservation at being overjoyed, considering how I had left. And there were no words, we began to play like children, with my book, as if hiding it, then seeing it. It was too funny. To feel that innocence, that laugh over nothing ... mmmh, it was so good ... later I told him what had happened to me, the shift.

And we did more laughing the rest of the day. Laughing for no reason, really laughing just for laughs, finally me mostly, and he following. I also felt super soft and tender the rest of the day (not that it never happened, certainly not, but I know, there really was something different ...) In the evening he suggested we watch a movie "K-Pax" wonderful, it took place in a psychiatric hospital!

I feel different, like another person... I see the ego, I see its judgments, its projections. I really see its game, it’s crazy. There is definitely something profound that has happened ... when the whole rest of the day I repeated to myself "The light has come. I have forgiven the world," the practice of the day's lesson ... I felt it deeply in me, it wasn’t just a phrase, not just words flowing along, not just something that I repeated to convince myself, no ... I lived it and I felt so happy ...


Wednesday, March 17

The same quietness, the same laughing for no reason, the same simple happiness… mmmmh. I felt like I was no longer seeing things, what was around me, not even the people, Erik similarly, I feel so much love.


Translated by Andy,

I don't know why but today, I wasn't feeling the same inspiration in sharing that story that I used to then. This last month, we didn't have any internet access, so I couldn't share it before, and I still went through a lot of those kind of deep beliefs, playing in other ways, hiding other deeps beliefs about who I thought I was. So maybe it's just that... This whole month has been so powerful in experiencing the depth of the ego and also the lightness of the Truth... What a Life!!

With Love Armelle

Shift in perception... when I choose Spirit

With everything that’s happening about this conference, I am really becoming more and more aware of the stupidity of the world and that there’s really no value in having an attachment in the world nor in a particular outcome. Erik shared with me that it’s also important to recognize that I asked for what happens, it’s my responsibility. And here came one of the most wonderful realizations for me, that I’m in the habit of beating myself up for everything I experience, that yes, I asked for it to happen, but not because I'm still stuck in the same pattern and can’t get out, but because I told the Holy Spirit that I was giving everything to Him and that I wanted the truth and only the truth, and so He is giving me the opportunity through this conference to see the absurdity of the world again, and the only value there is, which is in God. It is absolutely fantastic ...
I asked to see it all, to give myself all these experiences, because I want all the blocks to the presence of love that are still present to return to my consciousness so I can give them to Him. I see that a huge shift has occurred in my mind, because it’s no longer a question of me holding a grievance about experiencing it, of judging that I experience it... there is no more unworthiness, no more reference to the past, no more victim, no more guilt... just total gratitude for this experience that’s offered to me to heal my mind about the world and my beliefs...

I really understand that my happiness is not necessarily in the fact of being physically present at a conference, to be a teacher and that Spirit speaks through everyone, I'm not special! My happiness is in the fact of following God’s Will, which is also mine, but of which I'm not necessarily always aware... So whether this conference takes place or not, nothing changes, the form it takes won’t change anything either, in my state of mind, with the joy that dwells in me, because it gives me more humility and ordinariness, what I want to experience... and it’s the same as for Mallorca... I trust, I let go of pride and I'll be where Spirit wants me... the way He wants me... because that is my freedom and my peace...

LOVE LOVE LOVE,
LOVE LOVE LOVE,
LOVE LOVE LOVE,...
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE...

Armelle

Translated by Andy

Sickness is a defense against the truth

While I was swimming I had a very profound realization and integration; it was really strange how it began. I wasn’t thinking about anything, I was just there making breaststroke movements, feeling cold water sometimes, hot water sometimes, and suddenly, I said to myself, "Yeah, it's true, it’s impossible; sickness is impossible because it can’t be part of our nature, we are not these bodies." It had nothing to do with all those times where, intellectually, I told myself that I was not a body; it was something that seemed to fall on me, like that...

It then followed a clear development from that premise...

If I admit who I really am, I can’t be sick, and the closer I get to who I really am, the less I feel the effects of what I believed before, because my mind shifts, and there is no longer a reason to hang onto those old beliefs.
Eckhart Tolle says that sickness is a means the ego uses to become stronger, it creates a new self concept, now I am a sick person, and more.

I then saw my allergy to gluten and to lactose and how it had created an identity in me, of being different and special; so I asked what had brought me to still believe in it, what value I could still find in it... and there was silence. Nothing came... I told the Holy Spirit that I gave them to him, that I could see no reason to keep these beliefs, I no longer saw any value in them, and that now, when I eat some, when I feel it, I no longer feel the effects, or at least I no longer have my focus on it, nor on my body.

Then the fact came to me that the more I enter into my function, recognize who I am, I am my heart, the less I experience the effects of that... it just loses its meaning...
The Course says that "sickness is a defense against the truth." It’s therefore in recognizing the truth of who I am that sickness loses its meaning, its value, and it can’t exist (such that often, I identify with the sickness, that I at first see as an outside entity coming to live in me, even attacking me and then becoming who I am, because I derive a good number of benefits from becoming a sick person, not counting that I get a lot of attention... and I then have an excuse to stop, or to not follow, my heart...) And the ego loves to have excuses to not follow our path, our heart, it finds a lot of them because that’s what it’s looking for. It looks in the world, in form, for the justification of the thoughts, the beliefs, that block me, and once found, it reinforces them and the ego is content...

It then came to me that I don’t have to fight the sickness, nor try to overcome it, or even to cure it because even wanting to cure it makes it true, real... I just allow it to be there, acknowledge it because it shows me that the mind needs correction in one place... and in this acknowledgement, I open the door to the healing the mind... Rather than focusing on sickness, I focus on what inspires me, transports me, makes my heart open and I question my beliefs all along, I watch my thoughts... and I see what blocks are still preventing the presence of light, of love...
I don’t even have to think I’m not a body, or even believe it, I only need to get into my function, to recognize who I am...

For two days now, I’ve been feeling a deep realization that nothing, absolutely nothing, can hurt me, affect me. I don’t know where it comes from, it was a certainty, a knowing that this is so. And I was touched by it again this morning while reading my lesson of the day... recognizing that salvation can only come from me and that nothing outside of me can save me or give me peace, then I also felt that there was nothing outside of me that could wound me or hurt me.

This has happened several times lately, having important realizations, feeling like a deep healing was happening in me and not knowing where it came from or how. But I notice that the more I open myself and allow myself to enter into my function, letting the Holy Spirit use me to serve His purpose, the more I'm present, simply, the more I experience this kind of moment of profound inspiration or healing, I don’t really know what to call them, and it’s not even necessary anyway!
It's just happiness...

Lots of love
Armelle

translated by Andy

No sacrifice... Opening to Reality

I am full of joy, love, and life today... I feel how much the world is fading from my mind and how God and Life are becoming stronger...

I was judging myself a lot recently for not being interested in what was happening outside, not wanting to visit the region, to see the wonderful mountains, to feel the power of the volcanoes, to attend a seminar on healing with light, to talk or be with my host more... I judged myself as feeling superior, beyond all that, and I told myself that I should be different, I could at least be grateful for everything I receive...

But that's just what the world wants, what the ego wants... it still wants to maintain a belief in reciprocity, to make me believe that I must be grateful to a person when I'm full of gratitude to God, to Life itself for all it offers me in each moment... the ego wants to maintain the belief that I have to do certain things because someone else wants me to, because someone else thinks it’s not normal that I’m always at home, that I should go out, see what’s around... so I was judging myself... But all that happened was that I detached myself from the world... it's crazy... I really have no interest in all that... It’s so good here, I’m so happy, because my joy, really, depends uniquely on my state of mind, not on what I do or don’t do, not on where I go, nor on the people I see ... I am happy to be happy, for no reason, just because that's how it is... and that is happiness...

These days, I had plenty of wonderful opportunities to see and explore more deeply those beliefs that were still holding me back and kept me judging myself… I’m so full of gratitude to the wonderful people who play their roles so well for me, allowing me to grow in consciousness each day...  it’s a blessing! I saw that I still believed the world could offer me something, that I thought I could still get something out of it, that maybe I could get some kind of healing in the world that would accelerate my awakening... thank you, thank you and thank you... I saw this and recognizing it, I was able to give it to the Holy Spirit to take care of, so I was free of it... I could also see that I was still attached to form, and also to the form taken by events and that what is said must be done exactly as it was said, that "contracts" must be respected to the smallest detail, that my happiness and my peace could still depend on that and on the outcome of things... I thank you all for this also, I was also able to give it to the Holy Spirit... what freedom... it's wonderful.

I accept myself exactly as I am today, realizing that in fact that this is my path... thank you also to my mighty companions for reminding me...  the goal is to set the world aside, to stop believing in its power over my salvation, and that's just what I experienced.... a little more each day, the world losing its attraction... really there’s nothing of value in this world, nothing that attracts me... and therein lies my joy. Because yes, today it’s even stronger... my joy is so deep and I feel so free... mmmh, a delight, a pure delight...

My faith in God is growing stronger, I give him Everything, really Everything... Fear dissolves as I look at it and Love is stronger as I share it and acknowledge its power... it's magic! A real fairy tale...

Everything is becoming clear, the clouds are melting into the light that is emerging in my mind, and love grows in my heart... happiness is exactly that...

This morning I woke up strangely, I had just had a nightmare and hadn’t come out of it. I shared it with Erik, then we were quiet a long time, in each others’ arms, in love... My mind seemed to grow endlessly and I had the distinct sensation of being in the dream, nothing seemed real. I looked at the houses on the opposite hills, and I felt that it was the fact of still seeing them today, when I had the memory of already looking at them on previous days, that was telling me that I existed today... it was like how I felt when I saw the gardener this morning, that told me I wasn’t in a dream, that made me think that I existed because I saw him every morning... I had the clear vision that what defined my life at that moment was what I saw outside of me... they were the only things that made me believe that I existed in that moment... wow, that was crazy!

I feel enormous faith in God, in the Holy Spirit; I'm ready for anything, to really give Him everything. I feel the joy of giving, the joy of being confident...
I saw so clearly yesterday that really we are never asked for any sacrifice, and that the Holy Spirit is so gentle with us, that I no longer feel fear… Because He doesn’t ask any sacrifice of us, we don’t have to give up anything, even to let go of anything it's really in moving forward in mind training and undoing beliefs that we recognize the valuelessness of what we thought was full of value, and then it’s meaningless to continue in that direction, or to give time or importance to that kind of stuff. No effort is really asked of us. Just to question our beliefs, to be willing to give them to the Holy Spirit, let go and trust, and our mind is changed gradually as I want to question EVERYTHING, to give Him everything and see the false as false. And then my mind is changed for me, and things are also changed for me. I notice I no longer want the same things, no longer have the same desires, the same rapport with what I loved so much before... THERE IS REALLY NO SACRIFICE! NONE, EVER... Everything is offered and available, as it is useful to me.

This path of awakening to Self, to Reality, to Oneness is soft and kind... Just follow the flow of Life, the guidance of Spirit, with this consciousness, this opening to Reality… I watched the hawks fly overhead while I was in the pool and suddenly I said to myself "Yeah, just follow the current, open your wings, and trust the wind that carries us... follow this current, there's really no effort... just trust it... "

Today, I feel clearly I’m here to share joy, love, to shine... and that's all. I also feel a lot of humility after reading the text that David shared on his mailing list about Bill Thetford... it gave me so much, inspired me... Yes, I have nothing to teach, I'm only here to be used by Spirit as He wishes, in each instant... I only have to not interfere.... to be, to share, to shine... To really let go of all concepts... even and especially the one of being spiritual or on a spiritual path. There is absolutely no question about that. And what is wonderful is that this text came to reinforce what I shared with a friend on Skype the day before, saying that God did not expect us to be spiritual, he didn’t ask us to be extraordinary, all we had to do was to be... that’s it...

I feel really blessed by all these opportunities offered to me to be... more and more…

Sooooooooooo much love
Armelle

Translated by Andy

There is nothing to fear

Brothers and Sisters,

I feel Guided today to share with you the glorious news that there truly IS nothing to fear! The world seems to be a very fearful place, in which danger seems to be around every corner. And yet, when you begin to wake up from a dream, and recognize that you are not in the dream, but are the Dreamer of the dream, what is there left to fear?

These last days, I've watched my mind and seen many fears attempt to creep their way in and convince me of the "reality" of separation from Source. Fears about what may happen in the future; fears about how people might react to me if I don't start behaving like a "normal, responsible person" is "supposed" to behave; and fears about financial security. And yet, what I'm finding is that all these fears stem from an underlying fear that if I don't control things, then I will be snuffed out of existence.

That is really the only fear there is. The fear of no longer existing. It is the fear of being killed. It stems from the idea that something VERY wrong has happened, that I am to blame, and that at any moment, God might discover me and wipe me out of existence forever. If I really dig deeply into any of my so-called worldly or "personal" concerns and fears, and am willing to see what I'm REALLY afraid of... it's always the same fear: death, or non-existence.

Yet, what is really afraid? Is it my true Self? No. It is the part of my mind that we call the ego; the part of my mind that is deeply invested in the belief that it has separated itself from God and has taken God's power for itself. It believes that it has taken God's power away from God, and used this power to create its own kingdom... this entire cosmos of time and space, all of which is nothing more than a false idea projected outward.

The reason that there is nothing to fear is because God did not create this world, and therefore it does not truly exist except as a dream in our deceived mind. Dreams may seem very fearful, especially when you belief that the character in the dream is who you are, but even if you die in your dream, you can NEVER die in reality. As God's perfect Creation, we are pure, immortal Spirit, extending Love in the realm of infinity forever and ever.

In my dreamstate, this truth is mostly blocked from my awareness, but the more I practice true forgiveness - forgiving my brothers for what they NEVER truly did - the more I remember Where I Really Am. As Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." It is here. It is now. And it is perfectly invulnerable to the fearful imaginings of our make-believe ego self. We ARE saved.

So relax. Be willing to question the purpose of preoccupying the mind with worldly concerns and "problems". The world and all of its problems are nothing but a great deception, designed by the false ego to perpetuate it's make-believe existence. When fear arises, it always comes from identifying with the ego, and fearing nonexistence. And yet, the ego's nonexistence is assured! It is not to be feared but Joyously celebrated Now!

There IS no ego! There IS no death! There IS no world of time and space! There is only God, and we are His Beloved Son Now and for eternity. Let us accept Reality and be Happy!

All my Love,
Erik