My beloved sister,
My Heart is filled with Joy and Happiness. These steps of the last few days have been so important, I feel how much trust is growing in you and I am so grateful to you. We are never cured alone, I've said it, and you know it. And what you are doing now, you also do for everyone, because in You rules the world and Unity, as in each one. That the world is not on the outside, because nothing can be outside anything, since only unity exists, is True. Everything in your world is used to help you remember, to lead you back to Who You Really Are. This snow, that moves you so in its purity, its unique and glistening whiteness under the sun’s rays, that it carries you away in its vastness and grandeur to the infinity of landscapes as you gaze, is You. Yes, this snow, this illusion of snow teaches you, speaks to you of Who You Are. Because you always project OUTSIDE what is INSIDE. Your tears of deep humility before this immensity remind you that this Immensity is You, that you're ready to let go of the littleness in which you "hide," thinking you thus "protect" yourself from your Father whom you fear so much. But why fear the Love That You Are? Because You Are One with the Father, being His Son. United together in this moment with your Brothers, You Are this Love, it is your Deserved Inheritance. There is not one who isn’t worthy, since that is what You Are. It can not be otherwise, and to doubt it only delays the time of your Recognition. And that's your choice ...
But now you know, you begin to experience how many and plentiful are the fruits of that Recognition, to believe in your Worthiness, to follow Guidance, to radiate this Light that You Are. You are worthy of it my dear Brothers, and even more than that, because your Father gave you what He Is and waits only for You. Here is His Gift ... His Love, His Peace, His Joy and His Patience. For above all He Loves You. And nothing can change that!
Be uncompromising, because you can’t be on one side and the other, it’s impossible. The illusion cannot be included in Reality. The rules of this game do not correspond to Your Reality. I therefore call you once more, and more than that at every instant. This is your way to the Kingdom, Your Peace and also your Joy. Do not doubt it. Put your doubts aside, because beyond doubt, is confidence ... then take this next step, that doubt keeps you from making... and fully experience the harvest of fruits that Your Father has offered you, Lovingly.
Enter into the Trust and Strength that You Are, and be nourished in the One.
I Am with You, by your side, Eternally Present in the Love that We Are.
I had been guided to ask our friend Andy if he would be ok to translate some french texts I am writing... So here's his first touch... I am so happy, thank you so much Andy
Lots of Love to Every One
Armelle
Jan 31, 2010
Jan 30, 2010
Gatherings, Retreats, Concerts, etc..
The Purpose for our coming together in any form is always the same: to open our minds to the Light of Truth within us which is waiting patiently only for our acceptance. All that is in the way of our experience of the Kingdom of Heaven within is our egoic belief system which tells us that we are separate from God. Yet, this false belief system can be released by joining together with devoted brothers and sisters in a space of non-judgment or true forgiveness, and being willing to authentically expose that which is going on in consciousness. Then, through the power of the Holy Spirit in our minds, healing occurs naturally as our belief in original sin is replaced by our remembrance of Divine Innocence!
In gatherings, retreats, and music concerts that we offer, our intention is always to facilitate this kind of spiritual healing. We do this by authentically sharing ourselves fully without holding anything back, and letting the Spirit speak, sing, and act through us. This often takes the form of us share our experiences of the spiritual journey, sharing our music, facilitating inner-dance (movement meditations), and by answering questions from participants about how to practically live by the Guidance of the Spirit within. The results are always greater clarity, openness, and inner peace.
If you have an interest in hosting a gathering, retreat, or concert with us, please feel free to contact us! Our gatherings can be for any size group, and in any setting. We look forward to connecting with you in the Spirit of Love!
Many Blessings,
Erik and Armelle
707-364-0957
erikarchbold@gmail.com
dancinginthelight1@gmail.com
In gatherings, retreats, and music concerts that we offer, our intention is always to facilitate this kind of spiritual healing. We do this by authentically sharing ourselves fully without holding anything back, and letting the Spirit speak, sing, and act through us. This often takes the form of us share our experiences of the spiritual journey, sharing our music, facilitating inner-dance (movement meditations), and by answering questions from participants about how to practically live by the Guidance of the Spirit within. The results are always greater clarity, openness, and inner peace.
If you have an interest in hosting a gathering, retreat, or concert with us, please feel free to contact us! Our gatherings can be for any size group, and in any setting. We look forward to connecting with you in the Spirit of Love!
Many Blessings,
Erik and Armelle
707-364-0957
erikarchbold@gmail.com
dancinginthelight1@gmail.com
Jan 26, 2010
My communication with Jesus today...
The French version is below ....
You are united today to celebrate. Celebrate the opening, the passage to the Oneness. Your “yes” to the Father has opened a giant door on the Reality. You finally made the choice to stop suffering. you have chosen Life, Love and Light, all that belong to you. For yes, you came to celebrate your Royalty, your Greatness and your Joy. You don’t have to faint to be so little because you fear to disturb, to turn off the light in you for you are fearful of shining. Who do you believe You Are? Who do you believe the Father is? And he is yours, the one of all your Brothers.
Nothing, absolutely nothing from this world will give you what He offers you. He offers you Eternal Life, Immortality, Peace, Joy and Unconditional Love, as this is all what You are. So why do you want to go on to want less than that, to ask so little, to be content with what the world offers you? Why? Because you still want to suffer, and believing in your illusions. But it’s time now. I tell it to you since several weeks of your earthly time, to wake up from those illusions, to choose to end this choice of suffering. You are so much more than that. You can’t go on to deny your True Self. You deny your Reality, the Truth of your being because you still want to suffer. And it’s your choice. But know that you have another one… the one of remembering, to stop to make you less than what you are to match with what your world says. You can’t be happy while you will still play that game, it’s impossible. You can’t be Who You Truly Are, being fully aware of your True Nature, and still play the worldly game. You have to make a choice. And do it with awareness. Either you choose Love, the Truth and so, you experience Love and the Truth, or you choose fear, and believing in the illusions, and playing those worldly rules and you experience things from the world, fear and suffering. It’s impossible to know and live a deep love and peace while you are still choosing to follow your world before everything else
And so, thank you, Sister, to have made that choice today, to have entered that door stayed so wide opened since ever. I was on the porch, waiting for you lovingly, ready to take your hand when you would have chosen it. Thank you for your “yes”. I am happy to guide you a bit farther to more peace and love to which you choose to awaken. Everything has always been there. Nothing has left you. That’s why you are so touched when you recognize it, it’s in you. It is You. You were never lacking anything. You were never deprived from anything. You can’t be dispossessed. For it is Your True Nature. So, what your world is teaching you is false!!!! Don’t fear to stop shining if “someone else” seems to shine too. You can’t be weak for “someone else” seems to be strong. You can’t not being loved anymore because “someone else” seems not to give you attention anymore. You Are, and that’s all. Don’t take part to any of those rules that you know very well and to which you choose to take part again and again. It’s time that all that ends. And the end is closer than what you can imagine. Everything has already happened. And the wonderful, the True has already taken the step on everything else. Shake your hearts, and feel how they are ready, joyful, happy to feel all your Brothers gathered here to celebrate with you the come back to the Oneness, that you never left, and that you have chosen to forget;
I Am, with You, in the One of the Eternity. I Love You, for I Love Me and I Am You.
Amen.
26 janvier
Vous êtes réunis aujourd’hui pour célébrer. Célébrer l’ouverture, le passage à l’unité. Ton « oui » à Ton Père a ouvert une porte géante sur la Réalité. Tu as enfin fait le choix de cesser de souffrir, tu as choisis la vie, l’Amour et la Lumière et tout cela est à Toi. Car oui, tu es venu pour célébrer ta Royauté, ta Grandeur et ta Joie. Il n’est point utile de te faire toute petite par peur de déranger, de t’éteindre par peur de briller. Qui crois-tu que Tu Es ? Qui penses-tu être Le Père, le Tien, celui des Tes Frères. Rien, non rien dans ce monde ne vous donnera ce qu’Il vous offre. Il vous offre la Vie Eternelle, l’Immortalité, La Joie, La Paix et L’Amour Inconditionnel, puisque c’est tout ce que Vous Êtes. Alors pourquoi continuer à vouloir moins que ça, à demander si peu, à vous contenter de ce que votre monde vous offre ? Pourquoi ? Parce que vous voulez continuer à souffrir, et croire en vos illusions. Mais il est temps, je te le dis depuis plusieurs semaines de votre temps terrestre maintenant de vous réveiller de ces illusions, d’en finir avec ce choix de souffrance. Vous êtes tellement plus que cela. Vous ne pouvez continuer à vous nier Votre Propre Moi. Vous niez en permanence votre Réalité, La Vérité de votre Être parce que vous voulez continuer à souffrir. Et c’est votre choix ! Mais sachez que vous en avez un autre… celui de vous souvenir, de cesser de vous amoindrir pour correspondre à ce que votre monde vous dit ; vous ne pourrez être heureux tant que vous jouerez ce jeu, c’est impossible. Vous ne pouvez Être Qui Vous Êtes Réellement, être conscient de Votre Vraie Nature, et en même temps jouer le jeu du monde. Vous devez faire un choix. Et faites le en conscience. Ou vous choisissez l’Amour, la Vérité, et vous expérimentez l’Amour et la Vérité, ou vous choisissez la peur et de croire en l’illusion et de jouer selon les règles de votre monde et vous expérimentez les choses de votre monde, la peur et la souffrance. Il est impossible que vous viviez une paix et un amour profond tant que vous choisirez votre monde avant tout autre chose.
Alors merci chère Sœur d’avoir fait ce choix aujourd’hui, d’avoir pris cette porte restée si grande ouverte depuis toujours, j’étais sur le pas et t’attendais, amoureusement, près à te prendre la main quand tu le choisirais. Merci pour ton « oui », je suis heureux aujourd’hui de pouvoir te guider encore un peu plus loin vers tant de paix et d’amour auxquels tu décides de t’éveiller. Tout a toujours été là, rien ne vous a jamais quitté, c’est pourquoi vous êtes tant touché quand vous le reconnaissez, c’est en vous, c’est Vous ! Vous n’avez jamais manqué, n’avez jamais été privé, ne pouvez être dépossédé, car c’est Votre Vraie Nature. Par conséquent, tout ce que votre monde vous enseigne est faux !!!! Vous ne craignez pas de cesser de rayonner si « quelqu’un d’autre » rayonne aussi, vous ne pouvez être faible parce que « quelqu’un d’autre » semble fort, vous ne pouvez cesser d’être aimé parce que « quelqu’un d’autre » semble ne plus vous regarder. Vous Êtes, tout simplement et ne participez à aucune de ces règles que pourtant vous connaissez si bien et auxquelles vous choisissez de participer encore et encore. Il est temps que tout cela se termine, et la fin approche bien plus vite que vous ne l’imaginez. Tout s’est déjà passé, et le merveilleux, le Vrai a déjà pris le pas sur tout le reste, sur l’illusion. Secouez vos cœurs et sentez comme ils sont prêts, joyeux, heureux de sentir tous Vos Frères ici rassemblés pour célébrer avec Vous le retour à L’Unité, que vous n’avez jamais quittée, et que vous aviez choisi d’oublier.
Je Suis, avec Vous, dans le Un de l’Eternité. Je Vous aime, parce que Je M’aime, et que Je Suis Vous.
Amen
Lots of Love and Gratitude for every One
Armelle
You are united today to celebrate. Celebrate the opening, the passage to the Oneness. Your “yes” to the Father has opened a giant door on the Reality. You finally made the choice to stop suffering. you have chosen Life, Love and Light, all that belong to you. For yes, you came to celebrate your Royalty, your Greatness and your Joy. You don’t have to faint to be so little because you fear to disturb, to turn off the light in you for you are fearful of shining. Who do you believe You Are? Who do you believe the Father is? And he is yours, the one of all your Brothers.
Nothing, absolutely nothing from this world will give you what He offers you. He offers you Eternal Life, Immortality, Peace, Joy and Unconditional Love, as this is all what You are. So why do you want to go on to want less than that, to ask so little, to be content with what the world offers you? Why? Because you still want to suffer, and believing in your illusions. But it’s time now. I tell it to you since several weeks of your earthly time, to wake up from those illusions, to choose to end this choice of suffering. You are so much more than that. You can’t go on to deny your True Self. You deny your Reality, the Truth of your being because you still want to suffer. And it’s your choice. But know that you have another one… the one of remembering, to stop to make you less than what you are to match with what your world says. You can’t be happy while you will still play that game, it’s impossible. You can’t be Who You Truly Are, being fully aware of your True Nature, and still play the worldly game. You have to make a choice. And do it with awareness. Either you choose Love, the Truth and so, you experience Love and the Truth, or you choose fear, and believing in the illusions, and playing those worldly rules and you experience things from the world, fear and suffering. It’s impossible to know and live a deep love and peace while you are still choosing to follow your world before everything else
And so, thank you, Sister, to have made that choice today, to have entered that door stayed so wide opened since ever. I was on the porch, waiting for you lovingly, ready to take your hand when you would have chosen it. Thank you for your “yes”. I am happy to guide you a bit farther to more peace and love to which you choose to awaken. Everything has always been there. Nothing has left you. That’s why you are so touched when you recognize it, it’s in you. It is You. You were never lacking anything. You were never deprived from anything. You can’t be dispossessed. For it is Your True Nature. So, what your world is teaching you is false!!!! Don’t fear to stop shining if “someone else” seems to shine too. You can’t be weak for “someone else” seems to be strong. You can’t not being loved anymore because “someone else” seems not to give you attention anymore. You Are, and that’s all. Don’t take part to any of those rules that you know very well and to which you choose to take part again and again. It’s time that all that ends. And the end is closer than what you can imagine. Everything has already happened. And the wonderful, the True has already taken the step on everything else. Shake your hearts, and feel how they are ready, joyful, happy to feel all your Brothers gathered here to celebrate with you the come back to the Oneness, that you never left, and that you have chosen to forget;
I Am, with You, in the One of the Eternity. I Love You, for I Love Me and I Am You.
Amen.
26 janvier
Vous êtes réunis aujourd’hui pour célébrer. Célébrer l’ouverture, le passage à l’unité. Ton « oui » à Ton Père a ouvert une porte géante sur la Réalité. Tu as enfin fait le choix de cesser de souffrir, tu as choisis la vie, l’Amour et la Lumière et tout cela est à Toi. Car oui, tu es venu pour célébrer ta Royauté, ta Grandeur et ta Joie. Il n’est point utile de te faire toute petite par peur de déranger, de t’éteindre par peur de briller. Qui crois-tu que Tu Es ? Qui penses-tu être Le Père, le Tien, celui des Tes Frères. Rien, non rien dans ce monde ne vous donnera ce qu’Il vous offre. Il vous offre la Vie Eternelle, l’Immortalité, La Joie, La Paix et L’Amour Inconditionnel, puisque c’est tout ce que Vous Êtes. Alors pourquoi continuer à vouloir moins que ça, à demander si peu, à vous contenter de ce que votre monde vous offre ? Pourquoi ? Parce que vous voulez continuer à souffrir, et croire en vos illusions. Mais il est temps, je te le dis depuis plusieurs semaines de votre temps terrestre maintenant de vous réveiller de ces illusions, d’en finir avec ce choix de souffrance. Vous êtes tellement plus que cela. Vous ne pouvez continuer à vous nier Votre Propre Moi. Vous niez en permanence votre Réalité, La Vérité de votre Être parce que vous voulez continuer à souffrir. Et c’est votre choix ! Mais sachez que vous en avez un autre… celui de vous souvenir, de cesser de vous amoindrir pour correspondre à ce que votre monde vous dit ; vous ne pourrez être heureux tant que vous jouerez ce jeu, c’est impossible. Vous ne pouvez Être Qui Vous Êtes Réellement, être conscient de Votre Vraie Nature, et en même temps jouer le jeu du monde. Vous devez faire un choix. Et faites le en conscience. Ou vous choisissez l’Amour, la Vérité, et vous expérimentez l’Amour et la Vérité, ou vous choisissez la peur et de croire en l’illusion et de jouer selon les règles de votre monde et vous expérimentez les choses de votre monde, la peur et la souffrance. Il est impossible que vous viviez une paix et un amour profond tant que vous choisirez votre monde avant tout autre chose.
Alors merci chère Sœur d’avoir fait ce choix aujourd’hui, d’avoir pris cette porte restée si grande ouverte depuis toujours, j’étais sur le pas et t’attendais, amoureusement, près à te prendre la main quand tu le choisirais. Merci pour ton « oui », je suis heureux aujourd’hui de pouvoir te guider encore un peu plus loin vers tant de paix et d’amour auxquels tu décides de t’éveiller. Tout a toujours été là, rien ne vous a jamais quitté, c’est pourquoi vous êtes tant touché quand vous le reconnaissez, c’est en vous, c’est Vous ! Vous n’avez jamais manqué, n’avez jamais été privé, ne pouvez être dépossédé, car c’est Votre Vraie Nature. Par conséquent, tout ce que votre monde vous enseigne est faux !!!! Vous ne craignez pas de cesser de rayonner si « quelqu’un d’autre » rayonne aussi, vous ne pouvez être faible parce que « quelqu’un d’autre » semble fort, vous ne pouvez cesser d’être aimé parce que « quelqu’un d’autre » semble ne plus vous regarder. Vous Êtes, tout simplement et ne participez à aucune de ces règles que pourtant vous connaissez si bien et auxquelles vous choisissez de participer encore et encore. Il est temps que tout cela se termine, et la fin approche bien plus vite que vous ne l’imaginez. Tout s’est déjà passé, et le merveilleux, le Vrai a déjà pris le pas sur tout le reste, sur l’illusion. Secouez vos cœurs et sentez comme ils sont prêts, joyeux, heureux de sentir tous Vos Frères ici rassemblés pour célébrer avec Vous le retour à L’Unité, que vous n’avez jamais quittée, et que vous aviez choisi d’oublier.
Je Suis, avec Vous, dans le Un de l’Eternité. Je Vous aime, parce que Je M’aime, et que Je Suis Vous.
Amen
Lots of Love and Gratitude for every One
Armelle
Jan 23, 2010
My deep commitment to God's plan.....
Dear Brothers and Sisters,
It's now several days that I really want to share and join with you in what I am now.... So today I take the time!
For most of you, you know how it has been a hard time for me at the end of Mallorca, and the days after. I spent a really great time and a lot of healing have taken place during those last weeks now, and I think I reached a high point on tuesday, where I finally completely surrendered, and went still deeper until today. That day, I lived so many healing episodes in once; and it felt so "easy" to go through and then go out, and it started again and went deeper and deeper.
I've made really big step since I am in Belgium... I've stopped my activity of being "independent", where I was known as therapist, it was very symbolic! I've cleared my situation with the unemployement office, and it was a miracle, and made the step to say to the city office I was married, what wasn't done yet. I talked a lot to my parents and our relationship is so great, I can be who I am, I am not afraid anymore, and I did it with my friends too. All that is really freeing for me, and I can feel how I am completely at peace with all what I am in now, and it even changed a lot in my relationship with Erik. Two weeks ago I was guided to go on paltalk, and there was a satsang, a communication with the Spirit, happening that day. I didn't know what it was and so I said it was really great for I'll discover it, as I felt guided, without knowing it was for one person! So the guy asked me what was the belief or the situation that I wanted to give to the Spirit. And I talk about all the anger and the violence I could live and that I don't recognize me in that. And since that day and the week after when I listened to the recording again, so many things have shifted. I integrated completely the fact that I was responsible of everything, absolutely everything that I seem to live. And my mind shifted completely since that day. I was projecting so much before, and now it feels so good to take this back and feel that I am not powerless. I've seen that everything in my life, I've asked for, and so all my perceptions have changed about that. I am not the victim of all that anymore!!!!
I've kept some distance from you all those last weeks, not knowing really why, but I felt kind of something dangerous for me... I could intellectually know it was coming from the ego, but nothing was clear for me, nor integrated. And since tuesday with all those healings and deep recognition, I live miracles every day, and we had a very deep discussion with Erik about where I am now, what happens and what choice I have. I am not still clear on everything, but what I know for sure is that the only thing that I want is serve God's purpose, no matter what it takes, wathever He want me to do or wherever to go. I don't want to have any investment in directing the seeming life of Armelle. I can see a lot of ego tricks, and it's so painful to see that I am sometimes still in it. I don't want that anymore. I want to tell you all, as witnesses of my choice, of my decision, how much I feel devoted to that purpose, and nothing else than that could interest me now. I give everything to God that can still block it, and I offer all what seems to be part of Armelle to serve that purpose. I am so happy for all what I shared with you, all what you offered me, and how you showed me the way by following yours. Now it's time for me to take my step and commit deeply too. And this email is my commitment. I would be happy to be or to come wherever you feel it can be helpfull, and have all the feedback that you feel guided to share to help my way. I thank you all so much, Jason, Kirsten, Helena, David, Lisa, Jenny, Leila, Suzanne, Thomas and Sarah... I love you! And Erik for sure, too....................
I also want to say to Jason to watch the movie "Twilight", it's so goooooooooood.
And lately those last days, Erik talking a bit french, I can feel something deep coming from that for me. it's like speaking in english, the "you", feels totally impersonal for me, I am not used to. And so when he says something in french using the "tu" I feel all the body reacting, and sometimes even tears in my eyes... another step!!!!!
Lots of love to every One
Armelle
It's now several days that I really want to share and join with you in what I am now.... So today I take the time!
For most of you, you know how it has been a hard time for me at the end of Mallorca, and the days after. I spent a really great time and a lot of healing have taken place during those last weeks now, and I think I reached a high point on tuesday, where I finally completely surrendered, and went still deeper until today. That day, I lived so many healing episodes in once; and it felt so "easy" to go through and then go out, and it started again and went deeper and deeper.
I've made really big step since I am in Belgium... I've stopped my activity of being "independent", where I was known as therapist, it was very symbolic! I've cleared my situation with the unemployement office, and it was a miracle, and made the step to say to the city office I was married, what wasn't done yet. I talked a lot to my parents and our relationship is so great, I can be who I am, I am not afraid anymore, and I did it with my friends too. All that is really freeing for me, and I can feel how I am completely at peace with all what I am in now, and it even changed a lot in my relationship with Erik. Two weeks ago I was guided to go on paltalk, and there was a satsang, a communication with the Spirit, happening that day. I didn't know what it was and so I said it was really great for I'll discover it, as I felt guided, without knowing it was for one person! So the guy asked me what was the belief or the situation that I wanted to give to the Spirit. And I talk about all the anger and the violence I could live and that I don't recognize me in that. And since that day and the week after when I listened to the recording again, so many things have shifted. I integrated completely the fact that I was responsible of everything, absolutely everything that I seem to live. And my mind shifted completely since that day. I was projecting so much before, and now it feels so good to take this back and feel that I am not powerless. I've seen that everything in my life, I've asked for, and so all my perceptions have changed about that. I am not the victim of all that anymore!!!!
I've kept some distance from you all those last weeks, not knowing really why, but I felt kind of something dangerous for me... I could intellectually know it was coming from the ego, but nothing was clear for me, nor integrated. And since tuesday with all those healings and deep recognition, I live miracles every day, and we had a very deep discussion with Erik about where I am now, what happens and what choice I have. I am not still clear on everything, but what I know for sure is that the only thing that I want is serve God's purpose, no matter what it takes, wathever He want me to do or wherever to go. I don't want to have any investment in directing the seeming life of Armelle. I can see a lot of ego tricks, and it's so painful to see that I am sometimes still in it. I don't want that anymore. I want to tell you all, as witnesses of my choice, of my decision, how much I feel devoted to that purpose, and nothing else than that could interest me now. I give everything to God that can still block it, and I offer all what seems to be part of Armelle to serve that purpose. I am so happy for all what I shared with you, all what you offered me, and how you showed me the way by following yours. Now it's time for me to take my step and commit deeply too. And this email is my commitment. I would be happy to be or to come wherever you feel it can be helpfull, and have all the feedback that you feel guided to share to help my way. I thank you all so much, Jason, Kirsten, Helena, David, Lisa, Jenny, Leila, Suzanne, Thomas and Sarah... I love you! And Erik for sure, too....................
I also want to say to Jason to watch the movie "Twilight", it's so goooooooooood.
And lately those last days, Erik talking a bit french, I can feel something deep coming from that for me. it's like speaking in english, the "you", feels totally impersonal for me, I am not used to. And so when he says something in french using the "tu" I feel all the body reacting, and sometimes even tears in my eyes... another step!!!!!
Lots of love to every One
Armelle
Jan 22, 2010
A huge shift day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
20 janvier
Yesterday was a so important day, a huge shift day!
First, I got up at 5.40 to go to Brussels with Erik. After the call of Kirsten and Jason talking about integrity, some days ago, one evening Keith was talking about his material and tax stuff, and I felt strongly the call to be completely clear and clean with my situation here in Belgium. I didn’t say yet to the unemployment office nor to the city office that I was married, for I was afraid of a change and that suddenly I won’t get any money from that at all. And as the time passed it seemed more difficult to do it, as if I had tried to protect something, and that I will be punished for that! The guidance was clear for me, and I felt really freed just at the idea of doing it, and very confident in whatever could come from that, knowing that everything is always perfect and that I do not know my own best interest!
So, this morning was the day! On the way to go there was some traffic jam, and I said to Erik “it’s incredible that those people are doing it every day…” He answered me something as “no they aren’t!” And at that time I had the insight, that they were existing, here and now, today, for me, for I had created it. But when there is nobody to see it or being the witness, they don’t exist. They, as we, just exist because there seems to be “others” to see us… During the drive, we didn’t speak a lot, and I was just in a meditation state, talking to Jesus silently and he was whispering me sweet words back. That was really funny, and so good too. When we arrived at the office, I heard that I don’t have to tell everything to everybody all the time. It doesn’t have to be in the form. I just have to give everything to the Spirit, that’s what is important. That’s talking about no private thoughts, keeping nothing from Him. In the office, I was waiting in the line and practicing a prayer of the Course (ch.15,XI.10, at the end of the section) and including every person present here. And the Spirit told me that what I am doing here has nothing to do with the form. For the form doesn’t even have to change. What is important is just the step that I am making. And at that moment, I felt everything was already done, and ok. So when I talked to the person, I let the Spirit talk for me, and tell what he felt was important, knowing that I don’t know my own best interest, but He knows it, and that’s the only thing that I have to do… letting Him take the command, and stepping back. So I did. And I was so amazed… The same question was asked in three different ways for me to hear three times the answer telling that I don’t have to do anything, for everything is perfectly ok as it is now. My situation hasn’t really changed and so all is ok. I went out and felt to go to the city office still, just to be sure everything was completely ok and clear, and for me to be clear with everything here in Belgium, and not being as if I wasn’t married… And I know what it meant for me. I’ve always wanted to seem being the girl that nobody will catch, and who will always be “free”. But I was so afraid of being “dependent” of “someone” that I became completely dependent of my independence! So this step was definitely important. And so I ended up by going to the city office to tell that I am married and ask what I have to do. As I was waiting in the line, I opened the Course on a perfect page (chap 22.V). Then I felt that I didn’t have to do all what they ask, just going there and telling it was enough. I could see the ego trying to grasp on something and telling me that I have to do more, that it’s not enough, and also trying to scare me with the future. Erik helped me to see that clearly and I released it. Waw, big!
On the way back, I could see I was trying people please Erik, as I think I am still doing sometimes. But now it becomes more and more painful to do that, for I am more and more aware I am doing it. It was as if I just wanted to listen to his desire, or fear or doubt most of time, and not trust what I feel. I had told him before that when we will go to Brussels we will go to a French fries cabine, to make him taste Belgian fries! So even if it was 8.30 in the morning, he wanted it! I felt going back directly to the castle as we haven’t anything to do in Brussels, but I say “yes” we will go and see, even if I knew intuitively that it would be closed at that time. So we went there, and it was closed. But I felt that if I could call Christiane and ask here when they were living for her to have her car back and ask her if we can stay here until 11am, Erik could taste it. So I drove thinking going somewhere, and I arrived somewhere else, on the way to take the highway. I still felt it was where we were supposed to go. But I saw a shop where I could by a card to call, so I decided to go, instead of following what I felt. And I’ve almost been hit by a bike when I was crossing the road. I came back in the car. I felt so sad, seeing what I was still doing. Erik told me he didn’t feel I have to call Christiane and that I was trying to people please her! And I say that the only on that I was trying to people please again, was him, and that it was enough for me, I was feeling so sad, not being able to stay in that certainty of what I feel guided to do. And I told him it was the same that with going to Bali and the discussion we had yesterday night. On the way back, he slept, and I stay silent, in prayer about that.
When we arrived, they were preparing all their stuff to go. We went to the living room and turned on our computers. I started paltalk for the lesson of the day, and Erik sat in the coach to meditate. Then I read the course chap 16.IV.6.7.8. great! We didn’t talk since we left Brussels. Christiane came to tell what is their planning for today, and then asked me how we are. I tell her the beginning of my day, really great for me, and then the realization that I am still people pleasing Erik. And him, I don’t know for he didn’t talk since Brussels. We started a group discussion, and I don’t know how, I finally start to feel really angry about “a meaningless conversation”, telling that asking those kind of questions doesn’t have any purpose except running away from what it’s happening now! And Christiane asks me what I live now, what happens for me now!! I can’t really answer… I feel so much rage. I don’t dare telling it. So I take the time. And I ask the Spirit to put the words in my mouth and to speak through me. I have a lot of things in my mind, and what comes from my mouth is absolutely not that! I start by saying that I am taking the full responsibility of all what I will share, and that I am sharing all that for the only purpose of healing, for I am fed up of fighting, (I start crying) and the only thing that I really want is being happy. I share all my stuff, it was about not listening to what I feel and wanting to please Erik a lot yet, I also felt having Erik by my side not talking and sharing as I wanted him to do, was for me like having a dead person by my side, and it was making me face the death of a part of me, and it was really uncomfortable. And I felt how much it was difficult for me to go past all that, and that it would be easier to die! At that moment I got the vision of being a foetus in my mother’s uterus and having a dead foetus, black and sticky, on me, and I am so afraid. I cried so much. They are all very present. It doesn’t last long, and once everything is gone, I immediately feel the relief. I put my head on Keith’s shoulder, eyes closed letting the integration happening… I have a vision of a little girl in India with a ring in the nose and a chain going to the ear. She is dancing and turning on herself, laughing so freely. She is so shinning. Then I see the face of Caroline, a friend, and I feel as if we were friend in that life, playing together. Keith put some music. It’s Indian music! Then he brings some coffee for everybody, and Erik is giving me a feet massage during that time. And a very deep emotion comes up, again. I feel how much I am loved, and I heard in my mind a sentence that the father of my son had told me when I’ve left him 9 years ago “you will never be loved again as I was loving you…” and I feel “yes I am, I am so loved. It wasn’t true!!!” I seem to have believed so much in that, or having made every relationship agreeing with that! I cried so much. And once it’s done, it stops by itself, and I feel that it’s ok, healed! Waw, that’s miracle!
Later, we were talking about going to the movie theater. Erik wasn’t really feeling it. I was really tired by all those emotions. Christiane felt it strongly and Keith said that if it was for us to still be in that mood, he didn’t feel pulling those kinds of “heavy rocks” with him. I felt there was still something inside without knowing really what… One moment I started to cry again and expressing all what was still there, as for example that Christiane and another friend here were bothering me by their laughing and expressions of joy, that I felt were off, and not completely true. And other things but I forgot what… Then I jumped on the coach, lay down as a baby and cried again and again. And one moment, the Spirit told me “it’s ok? You are done now? You’ve finished your cinema? Everybody is around you. You have got what you wanted!!” And it stopped me directly. Then I felt that I didn’t want to have people happy around me for it would have made me face my unhappiness, or I would have felt obligated to be happy, and I didn’t want to be happy, for I didn’t deserve it!! So I realized that people around me weren’t unhappy, but I wanted to see them like that or with problem for it was keeping the identity of Armelle alive, playing between the savior and the victim of those so unhappy people!! But there weren’t any unhappy people except in my mind, where I wanted to be unhappy yet and have reason to complain again, and keep this game running… It was really huge for me to realize that! What a shift in my perception of all my closest.
I feel very tired and Erik told me it’s because I am still resisting, I don’t want to let go, I want to grasp on the fact of only trusting myself, or almost. I can see how he can be right, but in the same time it doesn’t seem completely right. So he talk about relying on the group if we don’t think the same and he told me how he found more humility in him, and what it brought him. We made an agreement for those further cases, and it feels good. Then he told me where I seem to be now… at that point where I have a choice to make and everything is ok, but I can stop suffering if I just surrender. He talks about how he sees I am trying to stay far from the Messengers and David, and that it’s like having a family on which you can count. I think I am really aware of what he is saying. I can see the ego still trying to find a way out, but I can’t go on like this, I am so tired and fed up of playing that game. So finally I told him he is right, and that I want to trust him. And maybe the guidance to go to Bali wasn’t right, and that I don’t want to be attached to that anymore, I don’t want to be right anymore, I just want to be happy, and I don’t know what is my best interest, so I am ok for all what he feel…
I had a huge headache, which ends in one minute after that!!!! And I don’t feel any tiredness anymore. That’s so great…
Finally as we didn’t go to the theater, Keith and Chistiane go to rent a movie and they come back with “twilight”, and it wasn't the one they have asked for;-))) Apparently the Spirit wanted us to watch it! It talked to me so much after all those shifts and deep talk with Erik too about relaying to the group instead of wanting to do everything by myself; I saw the vampire family as The Family, or the messengers taken care for each others, leaving the town for the purpose you've chosen no matter what it takes, holy relationship between the girl and the guy Edward, with no private thought and commitment to each other, unconditional love... and other symbols that I don't remember, and also deep sentence sometimes, very clear! The ego talking about how he works, when they are in the forest and that she told him she knows he is a vampire, he told her how bad he is. And the character of the guy shifted from the ego sometimes and the HS other times. Unworthiness of the father too, thinking he wasn't good enough, and wanting to change it... (I was still in that too;-)))
So it was really deep for me, I even watched it the day after too;-))) I've asked the HS to show me my lesson, and it was incredible; I was the only one to see the movie like that, but when I shared my perception, they could see and feel it too...
It was exactly what I needed for that night, as if this movie was done for me!! Anyway, it was perfect to end the integration of all that, and going to sleep full of love and devotion again...
When I wanted to write all that, here is what came to me
“even if I am sure of my guidance at 100%, I can surrender to what my brother says, for I don’t have anything to protect or to defend…”
Eternally with you,
With Love
Armelle
Yesterday was a so important day, a huge shift day!
First, I got up at 5.40 to go to Brussels with Erik. After the call of Kirsten and Jason talking about integrity, some days ago, one evening Keith was talking about his material and tax stuff, and I felt strongly the call to be completely clear and clean with my situation here in Belgium. I didn’t say yet to the unemployment office nor to the city office that I was married, for I was afraid of a change and that suddenly I won’t get any money from that at all. And as the time passed it seemed more difficult to do it, as if I had tried to protect something, and that I will be punished for that! The guidance was clear for me, and I felt really freed just at the idea of doing it, and very confident in whatever could come from that, knowing that everything is always perfect and that I do not know my own best interest!
So, this morning was the day! On the way to go there was some traffic jam, and I said to Erik “it’s incredible that those people are doing it every day…” He answered me something as “no they aren’t!” And at that time I had the insight, that they were existing, here and now, today, for me, for I had created it. But when there is nobody to see it or being the witness, they don’t exist. They, as we, just exist because there seems to be “others” to see us… During the drive, we didn’t speak a lot, and I was just in a meditation state, talking to Jesus silently and he was whispering me sweet words back. That was really funny, and so good too. When we arrived at the office, I heard that I don’t have to tell everything to everybody all the time. It doesn’t have to be in the form. I just have to give everything to the Spirit, that’s what is important. That’s talking about no private thoughts, keeping nothing from Him. In the office, I was waiting in the line and practicing a prayer of the Course (ch.15,XI.10, at the end of the section) and including every person present here. And the Spirit told me that what I am doing here has nothing to do with the form. For the form doesn’t even have to change. What is important is just the step that I am making. And at that moment, I felt everything was already done, and ok. So when I talked to the person, I let the Spirit talk for me, and tell what he felt was important, knowing that I don’t know my own best interest, but He knows it, and that’s the only thing that I have to do… letting Him take the command, and stepping back. So I did. And I was so amazed… The same question was asked in three different ways for me to hear three times the answer telling that I don’t have to do anything, for everything is perfectly ok as it is now. My situation hasn’t really changed and so all is ok. I went out and felt to go to the city office still, just to be sure everything was completely ok and clear, and for me to be clear with everything here in Belgium, and not being as if I wasn’t married… And I know what it meant for me. I’ve always wanted to seem being the girl that nobody will catch, and who will always be “free”. But I was so afraid of being “dependent” of “someone” that I became completely dependent of my independence! So this step was definitely important. And so I ended up by going to the city office to tell that I am married and ask what I have to do. As I was waiting in the line, I opened the Course on a perfect page (chap 22.V). Then I felt that I didn’t have to do all what they ask, just going there and telling it was enough. I could see the ego trying to grasp on something and telling me that I have to do more, that it’s not enough, and also trying to scare me with the future. Erik helped me to see that clearly and I released it. Waw, big!
On the way back, I could see I was trying people please Erik, as I think I am still doing sometimes. But now it becomes more and more painful to do that, for I am more and more aware I am doing it. It was as if I just wanted to listen to his desire, or fear or doubt most of time, and not trust what I feel. I had told him before that when we will go to Brussels we will go to a French fries cabine, to make him taste Belgian fries! So even if it was 8.30 in the morning, he wanted it! I felt going back directly to the castle as we haven’t anything to do in Brussels, but I say “yes” we will go and see, even if I knew intuitively that it would be closed at that time. So we went there, and it was closed. But I felt that if I could call Christiane and ask here when they were living for her to have her car back and ask her if we can stay here until 11am, Erik could taste it. So I drove thinking going somewhere, and I arrived somewhere else, on the way to take the highway. I still felt it was where we were supposed to go. But I saw a shop where I could by a card to call, so I decided to go, instead of following what I felt. And I’ve almost been hit by a bike when I was crossing the road. I came back in the car. I felt so sad, seeing what I was still doing. Erik told me he didn’t feel I have to call Christiane and that I was trying to people please her! And I say that the only on that I was trying to people please again, was him, and that it was enough for me, I was feeling so sad, not being able to stay in that certainty of what I feel guided to do. And I told him it was the same that with going to Bali and the discussion we had yesterday night. On the way back, he slept, and I stay silent, in prayer about that.
When we arrived, they were preparing all their stuff to go. We went to the living room and turned on our computers. I started paltalk for the lesson of the day, and Erik sat in the coach to meditate. Then I read the course chap 16.IV.6.7.8. great! We didn’t talk since we left Brussels. Christiane came to tell what is their planning for today, and then asked me how we are. I tell her the beginning of my day, really great for me, and then the realization that I am still people pleasing Erik. And him, I don’t know for he didn’t talk since Brussels. We started a group discussion, and I don’t know how, I finally start to feel really angry about “a meaningless conversation”, telling that asking those kind of questions doesn’t have any purpose except running away from what it’s happening now! And Christiane asks me what I live now, what happens for me now!! I can’t really answer… I feel so much rage. I don’t dare telling it. So I take the time. And I ask the Spirit to put the words in my mouth and to speak through me. I have a lot of things in my mind, and what comes from my mouth is absolutely not that! I start by saying that I am taking the full responsibility of all what I will share, and that I am sharing all that for the only purpose of healing, for I am fed up of fighting, (I start crying) and the only thing that I really want is being happy. I share all my stuff, it was about not listening to what I feel and wanting to please Erik a lot yet, I also felt having Erik by my side not talking and sharing as I wanted him to do, was for me like having a dead person by my side, and it was making me face the death of a part of me, and it was really uncomfortable. And I felt how much it was difficult for me to go past all that, and that it would be easier to die! At that moment I got the vision of being a foetus in my mother’s uterus and having a dead foetus, black and sticky, on me, and I am so afraid. I cried so much. They are all very present. It doesn’t last long, and once everything is gone, I immediately feel the relief. I put my head on Keith’s shoulder, eyes closed letting the integration happening… I have a vision of a little girl in India with a ring in the nose and a chain going to the ear. She is dancing and turning on herself, laughing so freely. She is so shinning. Then I see the face of Caroline, a friend, and I feel as if we were friend in that life, playing together. Keith put some music. It’s Indian music! Then he brings some coffee for everybody, and Erik is giving me a feet massage during that time. And a very deep emotion comes up, again. I feel how much I am loved, and I heard in my mind a sentence that the father of my son had told me when I’ve left him 9 years ago “you will never be loved again as I was loving you…” and I feel “yes I am, I am so loved. It wasn’t true!!!” I seem to have believed so much in that, or having made every relationship agreeing with that! I cried so much. And once it’s done, it stops by itself, and I feel that it’s ok, healed! Waw, that’s miracle!
Later, we were talking about going to the movie theater. Erik wasn’t really feeling it. I was really tired by all those emotions. Christiane felt it strongly and Keith said that if it was for us to still be in that mood, he didn’t feel pulling those kinds of “heavy rocks” with him. I felt there was still something inside without knowing really what… One moment I started to cry again and expressing all what was still there, as for example that Christiane and another friend here were bothering me by their laughing and expressions of joy, that I felt were off, and not completely true. And other things but I forgot what… Then I jumped on the coach, lay down as a baby and cried again and again. And one moment, the Spirit told me “it’s ok? You are done now? You’ve finished your cinema? Everybody is around you. You have got what you wanted!!” And it stopped me directly. Then I felt that I didn’t want to have people happy around me for it would have made me face my unhappiness, or I would have felt obligated to be happy, and I didn’t want to be happy, for I didn’t deserve it!! So I realized that people around me weren’t unhappy, but I wanted to see them like that or with problem for it was keeping the identity of Armelle alive, playing between the savior and the victim of those so unhappy people!! But there weren’t any unhappy people except in my mind, where I wanted to be unhappy yet and have reason to complain again, and keep this game running… It was really huge for me to realize that! What a shift in my perception of all my closest.
I feel very tired and Erik told me it’s because I am still resisting, I don’t want to let go, I want to grasp on the fact of only trusting myself, or almost. I can see how he can be right, but in the same time it doesn’t seem completely right. So he talk about relying on the group if we don’t think the same and he told me how he found more humility in him, and what it brought him. We made an agreement for those further cases, and it feels good. Then he told me where I seem to be now… at that point where I have a choice to make and everything is ok, but I can stop suffering if I just surrender. He talks about how he sees I am trying to stay far from the Messengers and David, and that it’s like having a family on which you can count. I think I am really aware of what he is saying. I can see the ego still trying to find a way out, but I can’t go on like this, I am so tired and fed up of playing that game. So finally I told him he is right, and that I want to trust him. And maybe the guidance to go to Bali wasn’t right, and that I don’t want to be attached to that anymore, I don’t want to be right anymore, I just want to be happy, and I don’t know what is my best interest, so I am ok for all what he feel…
I had a huge headache, which ends in one minute after that!!!! And I don’t feel any tiredness anymore. That’s so great…
Finally as we didn’t go to the theater, Keith and Chistiane go to rent a movie and they come back with “twilight”, and it wasn't the one they have asked for;-))) Apparently the Spirit wanted us to watch it! It talked to me so much after all those shifts and deep talk with Erik too about relaying to the group instead of wanting to do everything by myself; I saw the vampire family as The Family, or the messengers taken care for each others, leaving the town for the purpose you've chosen no matter what it takes, holy relationship between the girl and the guy Edward, with no private thought and commitment to each other, unconditional love... and other symbols that I don't remember, and also deep sentence sometimes, very clear! The ego talking about how he works, when they are in the forest and that she told him she knows he is a vampire, he told her how bad he is. And the character of the guy shifted from the ego sometimes and the HS other times. Unworthiness of the father too, thinking he wasn't good enough, and wanting to change it... (I was still in that too;-)))
So it was really deep for me, I even watched it the day after too;-))) I've asked the HS to show me my lesson, and it was incredible; I was the only one to see the movie like that, but when I shared my perception, they could see and feel it too...
It was exactly what I needed for that night, as if this movie was done for me!! Anyway, it was perfect to end the integration of all that, and going to sleep full of love and devotion again...
When I wanted to write all that, here is what came to me
“even if I am sure of my guidance at 100%, I can surrender to what my brother says, for I don’t have anything to protect or to defend…”
Eternally with you,
With Love
Armelle
Jan 21, 2010
Sharing Love Meeting Saturday 23, 3pm Jardin des Tuileries, 1st pond side Concord Place in Paris
Erik and I will be so happy to meet you there, sharing inspired dance and music... We will be with our friends Keith and Christiane...
Lots of love and see you there...
Armelle
Lots of love and see you there...
Armelle
Jan 15, 2010
Uncovering the mask of "sexual power"
Erik: Armelle and I just had a very insightful conversation about one of the most seductive "false idols" of the ego's world: sexual power! We realized that in our past we, each in our own unique way, had fallen prey to the trap of worshiping this idol. After our conversation, we both felt it would be Helpful to share our respective stories on this blog. Sharing it with each other, and now with you, feels so freeing in that once the "shame" is exposed, it is seen as not being shameful at all. Instead, we find that it disappears in the light of examination as just an "ingenious" trick of the ego, and we find a happy lightheartedness in its place.
In so exposing it with each other, we've also discovered how the ego can use two seemingly "opposite" forms, which seem very different from each other, to hide the fact that they are really both the same. For example, in Armelle's case, it played out with her being seemingly born with sexual power, as a beautiful woman who could date any guy she wanted, and then using that power to inflate her ego. In my case, I felt inadequate in my sex life and therefore spent many years trying to "master" that area of my life. In both cases, we were valuing this thing I'm calling "sexual power", for it seemed to serve as a way of "protecting" us from the underlying sense of unworthiness. I'll elaborate a little more about my story, and then Armelle can tell hers...
Growing up, I always felt awkward, weird, and unpopular. At school, I often hung around with the popular guys, but was like the "lowest man on the totem pole". I was picked on frequently, and often felt like I was just a complete nerd. To make it worse, I felt very socially awkward around girls, and was always jealous of the guys that seemed to date women so easily.
When I went away to college, I had a belief that I was "supposed" to have lots of sex, and that if I didn't, there was something wrong with me. And, not surprising based on how the ego wrote the victim scripts for our lives, I wasn't getting any sex except on very rare "lucky" occasions! It started feeling like a MAJOR problem to me, as it was seemingly all that my friends and I talked about and cared about. I believed that if you weren't getting sex, then life sucked, and if you were, it was great!
In my second year when the pain began turning to depression, I decided that I needed to solve the problem somehow. I therefore went on the internet and started researching internet sites that proposed to teach men how to have success with women! And I found them alright!
The first one that caught my attention was a website called "Speed Seduction" which was all about learning conversational hypnosis techniques to make women feel a subconscious attraction for you! The guy who was selling the program said that you could learn how to make ANY woman feel sexually attracted to you, and boy did I bite on that one, hook, line, and sinker!
For the next three years of my college life, and for even two more years after I left college, my primary goal was to "master the art of seduction"! Full of fear but determined to overcome it, I would go out to bars, parties, bookstores, coffee shops, or anywhere I might find single women, and practice starting up conversations with them that might lead to some kind of sexual relationship. The problem was that I never felt really sure about what I wanted. I knew I wanted sex, but I also wanted intimacy. Part of me wanted lots of sexual partners, but I also really wanted one monogamous relationship that felt "spiritual". And of course, looking back, it makes perfect sense that I didn't know what I wanted and constantly felt conflicted. I had already bought into the ego belief that my problem was some kind of physical or emotional lack, and so to keep me chasing an illusory carrot, the ego kept me in a state of confusion so I'd continue to play its game of "seek but do not find".
And I never had what I would have defined as "success". I remember taking lots of self-improvement seminars, some of them focused on success with women, and others being just about general success, and they always started by having you clarify your goals. And I can see now how helpful that really is. The problem is that when our goal is based in the world, then even if we achieve the goal, we won't be satisfied for very long. In my case, "success" seemed to be about reaching the point where I was "in control" of my sex life. I wanted to be able to feel like I was totally without fear, able to meet and attract beautiful women into my life easily, and have sex with the women I was dating whenever I wanted. And this was what the ego was telling me was possible!
But after my dreary search had continued on for many years, I began to suspect that perhaps it was a road without end. I met other guys who seemed to have what I wanted - a highly abundant sex life and lots of "success" with women - but I could begin to sense that even they were not totally happy and satisfied. I started to see that being completely in control of ANYTHING in this world was impossible, and that the way to win the ego's game was to quit playing it.
Yet there was still this strong feeling in me that I had to PROVE to myself that this path was hopeless before I could quit without reservation. After all, I had made seeming progress over the years, in terms of getting FAR more comfortable with my sexuality and with my feelings of self-worth in relation to beautiful women. In fact, I got to the point where I felt like I was actually really GOOD at communicating with women and attracting them, and yet I still didn't feel "in control". It seemed that no matter what I achieved, the ego was always holding out another carrot in front of my eyes for me to chase.
Finally, it all reached a head sometime in the seventh year of this search, when I was without a girlfriend, and feeling very strongly that with the communication skills I had developed, and with all my "positive qualities" as a man, that I SHOULD be able to go out and attract as many women as I wanted. I was SO frustrated that I hadn't yet been able to manifest an abundantly sexual lifestyle, and so I made one final goal: that within six months I would be dating at least three beautiful women all at the same time! And I was SO determined to manifest that goal that I made a bet with a good friend of mine who'd also had similar goals, that if I didn't reach my goal, I'd pay him $1000! See, I'd learned from Tony Robbins (a popular self-improvement guru) that if you really want to reach a goal, then sometimes you need to "light a fire under your ass" and give yourself a really strong reason to avoid NOT reaching the goal!
Well, after making the bet, I DID feel HIGHLY motivated for the first week or two. I was going out to bars at night, trying to meet women and get their phone numbers, etc.., but I could tell that my heart just wasn't really in it. It actually started to feel painful, and after the first month, I just surrendered to what my Spirit was trying to tell me, and I relinquished my goal in my mind. Ahhhh... liberation! Peace! Freedom! For the first time in my adult life, I could see that there was nothing special about having an abundant sex life, and that there was nothing lacking if I wasn't having any sex at all! I began to see that even if I never had sex with another woman for the rest of my life, that it didn't matter. Though I had already been studying the Course for several years, I could finally accept the Peace of God as my only goal, and stop concerning myself with the body.
After six months had passed, I paid my friend the $1000 I had bet him, but I felt fantastic. It felt good to keep my integrity by paying him, all the while knowing that it was all necessary for me to learn one of the most powerful lessons I could have possibly learned at that point: I don't need sex to be happy! Happiness comes SOLELY from being aligned with God, and has nothing at all to do with anything related to bodily comfort or pleasure. What a relief... :-)
As you might expect, when I gave up that goal of "having an abundant sex life", my sex life immediately began improving in a very natural and wholesome way, through very healing relationships that came into my life effortlessly. What a surprise, huh? Therefore, to people I meet now who are chasing after a worldly goal but getting disillusioned, I sometimes like to pass on what I learned: the only way to have what you want, is to stop wanting it! For all we really want is the Love of God, and once we stop wanting it, we realize we already have it.
Anyway, that's my story. Now Armelle will tell her story which, on the surface, appears to be completely the opposite of mine, but which is really not different at all...
Armelle:
As far as I remember, I've always attracted people to me, and when I was a little girl I already had a lot of "lovers", as a child! But still I could already experience "my" power! Or what I thought being the power. At secondary school when I started to have boyfriends, I was thinking that I could have every guy I wanted, and it happened to be true. I was kind of the most popular girl. And I remember for one guy I've waited four years, but I never given up, I had to "have" him too. I think it was part of my "success".
And it was really a goal, I can see now how much there wasn't any love in that, but just to prove to me how I was really good, and prove my value. I was really using men to show my value.
It's really the first time that I dare looking at all that like this, and that I can speak like this, without being ashamed of me, and it was really freeing to see that in Erik's story I could hear mine, and the same "shame", the same desire for power playing for me in having it since I was born but always doing everything to keep it or more again, not to lose it. A "no" of one guy could make my all world falling apart too, for it was questioning "my" power. What did I do for it not to work anymore? What did I change? It had to come from me, because I was seeming to be the one "in control" of all that game. I was always very worry about this body, having always to keep it the most beautiful possible, and hating it when I started to gain weight some years ago.
This body has always been my "temple", the most important thing for me. As sexuality was also a mean to show how good I was. And though all those years I almost didn't get any pleasure for myself in having sex. I was just acting!! I was only there to give pleasure to the man, and most of time, I didn't have any except this one. A few years ago I had a partner who told me that having sex was first for yourself, I was completely shocked! I couldn't imagine that. It was all an adventure for me, and something difficult too.
Two years ago I met a guy with whom I lived a so much healing experience. We weren't "together" in relationship, but just there for each other for the healing. I could say "no", what was a huge step for me! For all those years, having to "keep" this position in order to maintain the identity I couldn't say "no". So I often had sex with men without wanting it but just with the hope that it was the means to be loved... Which wasn't and engendered a lot of cries, sometimes. And I learnt to receive and having a place in the sexual relationship other than just being an object. What I've always project on men using me as an object. It was as if he had offered me a new virginity. It was the first time I lived something like that. And this opened a new "world" for me. He wasn't absolutely the kind of guy with whom I was used to date, so I couldn't even imagine stay with him. So still this desire for dating someone through whom I could be valued was present.
I can really see how much I was using men to show my value to the world and being recognize through them, as I didn't give me any value, nor recognition. I have always wanted to be recognized, and I have tried to achieve it that way, but also through what I was doing as job. I was always trying to be someone, instead of just being who I am. I've realized some days ago that I've tried to be recognized in the world for I didn't recognize and didn't know who I was in truth. And now, I can really say that it was the ONLY thing that I really wanted.
I was always using men for my need, whatever there were, and I thought it would have shown all the power I had. And behind that was the fear of feeling and letting all that unworthiness coming up, and all that shame, that I wasn't even aware of. This mask, this object game, this trophee woman was the most important part of the identity of Armelle!
At the point that two years ago I decided to shave my hair to stop being seen as a beautiful long blond hair woman with blue eyes. I just wanted to be seen for Who I really was. I wanted so much people just love me for who I was inside, and not what was outside, on the surface. I have always wanted to be loved for the all, and so much experienced to be loved for what I was representing. I've often been a trophee, but now I could see I was using men like that too. And how I wanted to exist like that! I went through a lot of emotions just by doing it. I didn't know who I was. I wasn't getting attention as before in the street, or wherever. It was already processing...
I was so amazed how the ego is hidding exactly the same feeling by using what seems to be opposite character types. I could see that every time that Erik was talking about his story, about trying to be a master, I was laughing, I couldn't imagine how it could be possible to be like that, to do that, and this time I was able to see and tell that I was even feeling ashamed of what he was telling, but it was seemingly "my" shame, not his. So I find that so usefull and so great to see those ego tricks, and how it seems to be played on the screen, with finally the same unhappiness.
In Mallorca I had the opportunity to go through some remark of Erik about this body and it was really horrible for me. I couldn't understand that he could possibly love me, and felt so much unworthiness, I felt being a piece of shit. Then the HS told me he was loving me as I've always wanted to be... for who I am! and now I am truly living it, and it's so great!... being loved for Who I am...
It's very powerful for me to write all that, and see how much I was suffering trying to keep that mask. I really want to release it. I see trully how much it doesn't serve me anymore. There is really nothing to value in that!
so yeah, drop the mask!!!!!!!!!! Free ourselves;-))))))))))))))))
Lots of love
Armelle
In so exposing it with each other, we've also discovered how the ego can use two seemingly "opposite" forms, which seem very different from each other, to hide the fact that they are really both the same. For example, in Armelle's case, it played out with her being seemingly born with sexual power, as a beautiful woman who could date any guy she wanted, and then using that power to inflate her ego. In my case, I felt inadequate in my sex life and therefore spent many years trying to "master" that area of my life. In both cases, we were valuing this thing I'm calling "sexual power", for it seemed to serve as a way of "protecting" us from the underlying sense of unworthiness. I'll elaborate a little more about my story, and then Armelle can tell hers...
Growing up, I always felt awkward, weird, and unpopular. At school, I often hung around with the popular guys, but was like the "lowest man on the totem pole". I was picked on frequently, and often felt like I was just a complete nerd. To make it worse, I felt very socially awkward around girls, and was always jealous of the guys that seemed to date women so easily.
When I went away to college, I had a belief that I was "supposed" to have lots of sex, and that if I didn't, there was something wrong with me. And, not surprising based on how the ego wrote the victim scripts for our lives, I wasn't getting any sex except on very rare "lucky" occasions! It started feeling like a MAJOR problem to me, as it was seemingly all that my friends and I talked about and cared about. I believed that if you weren't getting sex, then life sucked, and if you were, it was great!
In my second year when the pain began turning to depression, I decided that I needed to solve the problem somehow. I therefore went on the internet and started researching internet sites that proposed to teach men how to have success with women! And I found them alright!
The first one that caught my attention was a website called "Speed Seduction" which was all about learning conversational hypnosis techniques to make women feel a subconscious attraction for you! The guy who was selling the program said that you could learn how to make ANY woman feel sexually attracted to you, and boy did I bite on that one, hook, line, and sinker!
For the next three years of my college life, and for even two more years after I left college, my primary goal was to "master the art of seduction"! Full of fear but determined to overcome it, I would go out to bars, parties, bookstores, coffee shops, or anywhere I might find single women, and practice starting up conversations with them that might lead to some kind of sexual relationship. The problem was that I never felt really sure about what I wanted. I knew I wanted sex, but I also wanted intimacy. Part of me wanted lots of sexual partners, but I also really wanted one monogamous relationship that felt "spiritual". And of course, looking back, it makes perfect sense that I didn't know what I wanted and constantly felt conflicted. I had already bought into the ego belief that my problem was some kind of physical or emotional lack, and so to keep me chasing an illusory carrot, the ego kept me in a state of confusion so I'd continue to play its game of "seek but do not find".
And I never had what I would have defined as "success". I remember taking lots of self-improvement seminars, some of them focused on success with women, and others being just about general success, and they always started by having you clarify your goals. And I can see now how helpful that really is. The problem is that when our goal is based in the world, then even if we achieve the goal, we won't be satisfied for very long. In my case, "success" seemed to be about reaching the point where I was "in control" of my sex life. I wanted to be able to feel like I was totally without fear, able to meet and attract beautiful women into my life easily, and have sex with the women I was dating whenever I wanted. And this was what the ego was telling me was possible!
But after my dreary search had continued on for many years, I began to suspect that perhaps it was a road without end. I met other guys who seemed to have what I wanted - a highly abundant sex life and lots of "success" with women - but I could begin to sense that even they were not totally happy and satisfied. I started to see that being completely in control of ANYTHING in this world was impossible, and that the way to win the ego's game was to quit playing it.
Yet there was still this strong feeling in me that I had to PROVE to myself that this path was hopeless before I could quit without reservation. After all, I had made seeming progress over the years, in terms of getting FAR more comfortable with my sexuality and with my feelings of self-worth in relation to beautiful women. In fact, I got to the point where I felt like I was actually really GOOD at communicating with women and attracting them, and yet I still didn't feel "in control". It seemed that no matter what I achieved, the ego was always holding out another carrot in front of my eyes for me to chase.
Finally, it all reached a head sometime in the seventh year of this search, when I was without a girlfriend, and feeling very strongly that with the communication skills I had developed, and with all my "positive qualities" as a man, that I SHOULD be able to go out and attract as many women as I wanted. I was SO frustrated that I hadn't yet been able to manifest an abundantly sexual lifestyle, and so I made one final goal: that within six months I would be dating at least three beautiful women all at the same time! And I was SO determined to manifest that goal that I made a bet with a good friend of mine who'd also had similar goals, that if I didn't reach my goal, I'd pay him $1000! See, I'd learned from Tony Robbins (a popular self-improvement guru) that if you really want to reach a goal, then sometimes you need to "light a fire under your ass" and give yourself a really strong reason to avoid NOT reaching the goal!
Well, after making the bet, I DID feel HIGHLY motivated for the first week or two. I was going out to bars at night, trying to meet women and get their phone numbers, etc.., but I could tell that my heart just wasn't really in it. It actually started to feel painful, and after the first month, I just surrendered to what my Spirit was trying to tell me, and I relinquished my goal in my mind. Ahhhh... liberation! Peace! Freedom! For the first time in my adult life, I could see that there was nothing special about having an abundant sex life, and that there was nothing lacking if I wasn't having any sex at all! I began to see that even if I never had sex with another woman for the rest of my life, that it didn't matter. Though I had already been studying the Course for several years, I could finally accept the Peace of God as my only goal, and stop concerning myself with the body.
After six months had passed, I paid my friend the $1000 I had bet him, but I felt fantastic. It felt good to keep my integrity by paying him, all the while knowing that it was all necessary for me to learn one of the most powerful lessons I could have possibly learned at that point: I don't need sex to be happy! Happiness comes SOLELY from being aligned with God, and has nothing at all to do with anything related to bodily comfort or pleasure. What a relief... :-)
As you might expect, when I gave up that goal of "having an abundant sex life", my sex life immediately began improving in a very natural and wholesome way, through very healing relationships that came into my life effortlessly. What a surprise, huh? Therefore, to people I meet now who are chasing after a worldly goal but getting disillusioned, I sometimes like to pass on what I learned: the only way to have what you want, is to stop wanting it! For all we really want is the Love of God, and once we stop wanting it, we realize we already have it.
Anyway, that's my story. Now Armelle will tell her story which, on the surface, appears to be completely the opposite of mine, but which is really not different at all...
Armelle:
As far as I remember, I've always attracted people to me, and when I was a little girl I already had a lot of "lovers", as a child! But still I could already experience "my" power! Or what I thought being the power. At secondary school when I started to have boyfriends, I was thinking that I could have every guy I wanted, and it happened to be true. I was kind of the most popular girl. And I remember for one guy I've waited four years, but I never given up, I had to "have" him too. I think it was part of my "success".
And it was really a goal, I can see now how much there wasn't any love in that, but just to prove to me how I was really good, and prove my value. I was really using men to show my value.
It's really the first time that I dare looking at all that like this, and that I can speak like this, without being ashamed of me, and it was really freeing to see that in Erik's story I could hear mine, and the same "shame", the same desire for power playing for me in having it since I was born but always doing everything to keep it or more again, not to lose it. A "no" of one guy could make my all world falling apart too, for it was questioning "my" power. What did I do for it not to work anymore? What did I change? It had to come from me, because I was seeming to be the one "in control" of all that game. I was always very worry about this body, having always to keep it the most beautiful possible, and hating it when I started to gain weight some years ago.
This body has always been my "temple", the most important thing for me. As sexuality was also a mean to show how good I was. And though all those years I almost didn't get any pleasure for myself in having sex. I was just acting!! I was only there to give pleasure to the man, and most of time, I didn't have any except this one. A few years ago I had a partner who told me that having sex was first for yourself, I was completely shocked! I couldn't imagine that. It was all an adventure for me, and something difficult too.
Two years ago I met a guy with whom I lived a so much healing experience. We weren't "together" in relationship, but just there for each other for the healing. I could say "no", what was a huge step for me! For all those years, having to "keep" this position in order to maintain the identity I couldn't say "no". So I often had sex with men without wanting it but just with the hope that it was the means to be loved... Which wasn't and engendered a lot of cries, sometimes. And I learnt to receive and having a place in the sexual relationship other than just being an object. What I've always project on men using me as an object. It was as if he had offered me a new virginity. It was the first time I lived something like that. And this opened a new "world" for me. He wasn't absolutely the kind of guy with whom I was used to date, so I couldn't even imagine stay with him. So still this desire for dating someone through whom I could be valued was present.
I can really see how much I was using men to show my value to the world and being recognize through them, as I didn't give me any value, nor recognition. I have always wanted to be recognized, and I have tried to achieve it that way, but also through what I was doing as job. I was always trying to be someone, instead of just being who I am. I've realized some days ago that I've tried to be recognized in the world for I didn't recognize and didn't know who I was in truth. And now, I can really say that it was the ONLY thing that I really wanted.
I was always using men for my need, whatever there were, and I thought it would have shown all the power I had. And behind that was the fear of feeling and letting all that unworthiness coming up, and all that shame, that I wasn't even aware of. This mask, this object game, this trophee woman was the most important part of the identity of Armelle!
At the point that two years ago I decided to shave my hair to stop being seen as a beautiful long blond hair woman with blue eyes. I just wanted to be seen for Who I really was. I wanted so much people just love me for who I was inside, and not what was outside, on the surface. I have always wanted to be loved for the all, and so much experienced to be loved for what I was representing. I've often been a trophee, but now I could see I was using men like that too. And how I wanted to exist like that! I went through a lot of emotions just by doing it. I didn't know who I was. I wasn't getting attention as before in the street, or wherever. It was already processing...
I was so amazed how the ego is hidding exactly the same feeling by using what seems to be opposite character types. I could see that every time that Erik was talking about his story, about trying to be a master, I was laughing, I couldn't imagine how it could be possible to be like that, to do that, and this time I was able to see and tell that I was even feeling ashamed of what he was telling, but it was seemingly "my" shame, not his. So I find that so usefull and so great to see those ego tricks, and how it seems to be played on the screen, with finally the same unhappiness.
In Mallorca I had the opportunity to go through some remark of Erik about this body and it was really horrible for me. I couldn't understand that he could possibly love me, and felt so much unworthiness, I felt being a piece of shit. Then the HS told me he was loving me as I've always wanted to be... for who I am! and now I am truly living it, and it's so great!... being loved for Who I am...
It's very powerful for me to write all that, and see how much I was suffering trying to keep that mask. I really want to release it. I see trully how much it doesn't serve me anymore. There is really nothing to value in that!
so yeah, drop the mask!!!!!!!!!! Free ourselves;-))))))))))))))))
Lots of love
Armelle
Jan 14, 2010
Quietness and Love
It seems that after going through all those emotions and that strong shift for both of us in the mind, gentleness and love are present. It's incredible how I feel different since that last experience that we both shared on that blog. As if the shift in my mind and also the fact that Erik released the perception he had about me had allowed me to be who I feel I've always been... soft and love. That's really strange, and so great for sure! I feel surrendering to everything that can happen. I don't feel any fight inside anymore. I feel vulnerable and as a child, not knowing anything, and totally willing to be shown. Being at the castle again with our mighty companions is really great. Yesterday we had a joining that lasted almost the all day. I feel the healing is still taking place but in a very gentle way.
So now we just enjoy being here with all there is, and it's perfect as it is... even not expecting for a next step!! Just being, where we are... Enjoying all that love surrounding us!
Lots of love
Armelle
So now we just enjoy being here with all there is, and it's perfect as it is... even not expecting for a next step!! Just being, where we are... Enjoying all that love surrounding us!
Lots of love
Armelle
Jan 12, 2010
Waw, so much healing!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, at the end of the day, we left the castle. We were both feeling something else had to take place (hey we were feeling the same;-))))
We came back to my parent's house. I was happy to see them, and felt good to share with them. But it didn't happen that way when we arrived. We ate, Erik and I, and then sat before our computers. I was listening to the satsang I was guided to have on monday, that had been recorded. It was so interesting, for at that time the internet connection was cutting a lot, and I couldn't hear everything! Certainly not ready yet;-) All what was said hit me in the face, waw, it was really big, I was happy having listened to! Later we went to bed, without really talking with my parents.
I received an email of a very dear friend, telling that he had read the blog and talking to me about what he thinks about guidance, coming directly from the Spirit I guess, beautiful reflection of my mind told me Erik. But I was so touched, without knowing why. after a time, I realized I was touched because I felt naked before him, because I imagined he could see how imperfect I am, going through all those emotions, ... Then I felt how much it's still difficult to be who I am... And I knew it was certainly for that that we are here.. an opportunity for me to practice;-) I started to cry for I was sad to have the opportunity to talk with my parents but not knowing how to do it, and not doing anything at all! I would like so much joining with them in truht of who I am.
After talking with Erik, I felt going down and tell them all what I was feeling. So I did. I told them how much I'd like to join with them but I don't know how, for they are not sharing and understanding the life that I live. My dad was, first, upset, then says nothing anymore, asking me what I still want to say, and that yes he doesn't understand at all my life, and that for him it's not life. Life is not that, being in the beatitude every day!
It was really difficult for me to express my feelings, so I was crying. I told them that I was afraid that if I wasn't talking to them they will thing I don't love them, and it's not true, but talking about the weather doesn't interest me, and that if I talk about what I live, if I am who I am, I am afraid they will reject me because they don't understand. My mother, with her big heart, came next to me to tell me how much they love me and that whatever I can do, they will always love me, even if they don't understand or don't share it, and that she always likes when I am sharing what I am living, and that sometimes she feels that my friends must know more about me than her, them. I felt strongly her desire to join with me and not really knowing how either. we talk a bit about the way we live our life, and what was next, and then my dad asked me too what is next. I talk about the unknowing of the world tour ticket and that we will see. He told me that it's really difficult for him for life is not there at all. For him, life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a bit every day! And my mum said her mother told her that too when she was a little girl. So I was so grateful... for them to be true, and allowing me to see one of the huge belief inside me!!! Keeping me certainly from living happiness, and thinking I don't deserve it too! The joining had an happy ending with hugs and love, and I was so happy to have expressed my fears and desire.
The day after just before waking up I was going through fears and worries because I didn't have any clear guidance about the world tour ticket. And I started to see I was thinking I didn't deserve such a trip, it's not life. I was seeing how one day from another my whole perception of "me", or "my reality" could change in relation to what I am going through, what is the belief on the spot! And now, I am so aware of the piece of toast with shit, that I feel afraid it has become the first one in my mind. As yesterday, I realized deeply how much I am the creator of what I live, by my thoughts, and so I am responsible of everything that is in my life, I started to see that there are many things I was resisted to be in charge of. That I couldn't imagine I could make it is in my life, as for example my marriage with Erik, (and more when I am upset;-)). I was still seeing something outside making it happen or not. Then I told Jesus I want him to be in charge of the day for me. I wanted to think his thoughts, tell his words, I want him to guide my acts, and use my voice to talk. And I lived a so wonderful experience, of deep peace immediately, and was shwown that everything is in me, there is no external power, no external God telling me what to do or not do, there is no external entity or even no internal entity. That's the decision in my mind, all my thoughts, and everything that I am living is in relation with what is deeply in what seems to be "my" mind. So my experience has the color of the love or the fear, and the more I love "me", what is just the projection of my right mind or my wrong mind, the more I recognize Who I am in truth and "my" real value, the more my experience is changing for simple happiness and real Love, for I give less and less power to the identity of Armelle, and more to Jesus or HS to be the guide.
Until that day I had prefered to think there was an outside "entity" or power or authority (thinking more it was inside me, but still not "me") giving me that power or deciding, hanging on if I was listening to her or not, to give me that power. I didn't want to be responsible for all I had lived!! It was too much to think I had all that power, and I had called for all those experiences (even if since years I am aware how much everything had helped me to grow up and be where I am now). The border between being responsible or guilty is so thin, and I felt so much guilty about everything and I was so much judging me. It felt so heavy to be responsible of all what you are living, for the "good" as for the "bad" experiences. For it means that, every time I have the opportunity to make an opportunity of growing and be in the Love, or to be the victim. And I have been the victim so many times!!!!!!!!!!!!! So today, it's a really huge day for me. Waw... huge! I feel so full of gratitude, full of love and full of joy, everything seems suddenly so clear to me. Erik is still sleeping so I go down, I want to share my joy!
My mum is there. We talk a bit. She asks me some questions, and I don't want "Armelle" to answer that, I don't know what to say, so I stay quiet for a time and ask Jesus to put the words in my mouth. I explain as example that it's not because I was raised in the belief that life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a piece every day that I have to keep it and go on my life by experiencing that all the time, proving my belief is true, it can be changed and my experiences too. And as I already did yesterday, I gave that belief to Jesus, for it doesn't serve me anymore. As I am speaking she changes the subject! I think it's too much for her, and immediately comes the thought that I am trying to teach her! I am judging myself, and think maybe I want to feel superior or to see there is someone to heal or to save. So I don't feel good with that, and go to share with Erik what I feel. As I am sharing it, he goes in the same way of thinking than I am. I saw how much he is the pure reflection of my mind, those last days. If I feel certain, he is completely with me. If I am doubtful he reflected it back to me. If I am afraid, he expresses fears, even if I am not expressing it! I feel bad, sad, and a bit guilty too. And in the same time I remember having asked Jesus to speak through me! I am trying to make Erik guilty about something he tells me, and he says it. I take it back and change my mind. In my communication with Jesus this morning he told me the ego would be very vicious today, I have to be very vigilant. So I remember it and let go the upset! I am so aware I feel bad and I want him to "save" me or be the guitly one. I saw how it works so many times these last days! So I know he is right, and it's in my mind!
Later we have a skype call with Jason and Kirsten who had sent us an email to talk with us about guidance and trust. In the call, Kirsten asks me what I think about paying the 400 dollars I was guided to give for the retreat in Canada in August that I couldn't give at that time, for I didn't have any money. And she speaks about integrity. I am compelely ok to give it, for sure. Now I can! But in the same time, I feel there is something in the way. When the call is finished I let this emotion coming, and I feel kind of betrayed, for at that time I told I couldn't come for I had sudden money problem, and they told me to come anyway, my call was so strong. I didn't remember we've talked about the fact I will pay later. So I was feeling "come freely, and now being asked to pay the bill!" Erik told me it has nothing to do with them, and I know it, it's with God. And I really feel betrayed by God. I feel having been "attracted" by receiving everything freely to show me obviously my path, and now he is asking me something in "return", and I feel kind of stuck in that path now. I've tursted him, I've followed the call and now I am there with all that! That's what I feel...
And I just realized that it's me, only me, not God external to me, separated. I know it! But still, I bite to the ego game. For even my relationship with Erik it's difficult for me to feel responsible of having received what I asked for. Sometimes I feel I didn't chose him, he was imposed to me. And I know it's not true at all... but in those "ego crisis" I want him to be so much guilty for me! I want him to be the cause of what I am living. So sometimes I think that if he wasn't in my life everything would be easier. (yes I wouldn't have a daily mirror reflecting my thoughts!!) Again, I can't be the "responsible" of what I feel, so he has to be guilty of something, so I am not in touch with what I am going through, I am outside!
Lunch time we all eat together with my father too, it's very nice, so much laughter! The joining happen, and I could see my parents differently.
Later I hear Erik talking to my mother about the fact that I want to pretend my beliefs are the good ones, but really all that is just beliefs!! I am not with them, but I hear this part of the conversation, and only this! And immediately I feel betrayed again, and start to hate him, so much. the story I make up is "even to my mother he is trying to show I am wrong and he is the good one, the kind one..!" I know everything is the ego, but it's so strong. More than that I start to judge myself being unable to live something else than what I am going through. I have all the power to change and I just feel so powerless facing all what I am going through. I ask Jesus to show me the truth. he does it, but a new story starts immediately. I feel so unable to be happy, so stuck in those old patterns, so guilty, so unworthy even, that I am thinking it would be easier to die than go on with this, I can't do something. I am still here, and it's so painful. I hate Erik more and more, for he even doesn't come to see if I am ok, nor to talk with me. I know I could talk to him, but I can't, and I'd want so much that he would come to talk with me, but it never happens, so the hatrid is "justified" in the ego mind. He doesn't care about me! And in the same time I live the uncomfort of still having all those emotions thinking Erik is still judging me for having them. Finally I feel becoming crazy with all that turning in my mind, right/wrong mind... who is talking, what is true... I scary myself, so after a while I decide to go to the castle and talk with Keith and Christiane, they are the only one available here to whom I can talk trully about what I am going through. I feel also stuck to be to my parents for I think I can't express my emotions. So I take my mother's car and go, without saying anything to anybody!
I burst into tears when I see Keith and he take me in his arms. then I tell everything I see, feel, think, all the hatrid for everybody, all the shame I have for having all those emotions too, and I also feel judged by Erik for having so many emotions, even if he hasn't talk to me!
They just listen to me, silently. I spend the evening there, receiving silently all the love and tenderness from Christiane, and their presence. There are also a lot of emotions going on there! It seems to be an orchestrated "meeting".
Around midnight I decide to go back, I want to be with Erik and share with him. I feel coming back to live at the castle tomorrow, that's the place where I feel it is the most helpfull for now, not knowing anything else.
When I come back, I don't say anything. Erik tells me that he would like to talk to me but he doesn't know how, and that he has some fears. My heart is wide opened at that time, facing his truth in the now, and then he tells me he perceive hostility. At that time, I feel nothing else but love, what I was still keeping one moment before had just vanished miraculously and I propose him to come in my arm. And so we are in the arms of each other. I am so happy of the way I reacted, I don't recognize the angry girl! I feel being the observor, and being guided. I am so happy...
This morning (tuesday), when I get up, my mum talks to me about the way I was the day before, and what she felt. She completely opens her heart about me, our relationship, what she would like to live instead what we are living. It's so beautiful, I am so touched and so happy. She asks me a lot of questions about the way we live our life, what we practice, and I let the Spirit pouring through me. It's so great. She is so happy of that joining, and I am too. I tell her we leave later in the day to go back to the castle for it's there I feel being, but we could meet together for lunch or spend some time later. Hugs, kisses and so much love. I am so grateful about all what she shared, it showed me a lot about my beliefs too. Few time before, I had given the thought that I couldn't express my emotions here with them, and then asked Jesus to be in charge of my day, my thoughts and my words, and my mother was crying so much! See how it's always my beliefs about the other!! As for example that I was afraid to tell her what I was exactly doing and I thought she would be ashamed to share it with her friends, but she told me the opposite! what they think about that is not her problem. So I took this belief back to me;-))
And she told me that often she is inspired by what I share and think she could apply this principles to her life too. So I felt to give her "only one mind" in French and she started to read it. And she told me she thinks it will be really good for her!!!!
And later the joining with my father showed again how he has a big heart too, and want to join, in his way.
My perception has completely changed, I gave the beliefs to Jesus and it come back to me by reflecting it.
So finally we left, I am compeltely at peace, with both of my parents, and feeling so much love and gratitude for all what I lived. It's really always in my mind, I still saw it so much!
With love
Armelle
We came back to my parent's house. I was happy to see them, and felt good to share with them. But it didn't happen that way when we arrived. We ate, Erik and I, and then sat before our computers. I was listening to the satsang I was guided to have on monday, that had been recorded. It was so interesting, for at that time the internet connection was cutting a lot, and I couldn't hear everything! Certainly not ready yet;-) All what was said hit me in the face, waw, it was really big, I was happy having listened to! Later we went to bed, without really talking with my parents.
I received an email of a very dear friend, telling that he had read the blog and talking to me about what he thinks about guidance, coming directly from the Spirit I guess, beautiful reflection of my mind told me Erik. But I was so touched, without knowing why. after a time, I realized I was touched because I felt naked before him, because I imagined he could see how imperfect I am, going through all those emotions, ... Then I felt how much it's still difficult to be who I am... And I knew it was certainly for that that we are here.. an opportunity for me to practice;-) I started to cry for I was sad to have the opportunity to talk with my parents but not knowing how to do it, and not doing anything at all! I would like so much joining with them in truht of who I am.
After talking with Erik, I felt going down and tell them all what I was feeling. So I did. I told them how much I'd like to join with them but I don't know how, for they are not sharing and understanding the life that I live. My dad was, first, upset, then says nothing anymore, asking me what I still want to say, and that yes he doesn't understand at all my life, and that for him it's not life. Life is not that, being in the beatitude every day!
It was really difficult for me to express my feelings, so I was crying. I told them that I was afraid that if I wasn't talking to them they will thing I don't love them, and it's not true, but talking about the weather doesn't interest me, and that if I talk about what I live, if I am who I am, I am afraid they will reject me because they don't understand. My mother, with her big heart, came next to me to tell me how much they love me and that whatever I can do, they will always love me, even if they don't understand or don't share it, and that she always likes when I am sharing what I am living, and that sometimes she feels that my friends must know more about me than her, them. I felt strongly her desire to join with me and not really knowing how either. we talk a bit about the way we live our life, and what was next, and then my dad asked me too what is next. I talk about the unknowing of the world tour ticket and that we will see. He told me that it's really difficult for him for life is not there at all. For him, life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a bit every day! And my mum said her mother told her that too when she was a little girl. So I was so grateful... for them to be true, and allowing me to see one of the huge belief inside me!!! Keeping me certainly from living happiness, and thinking I don't deserve it too! The joining had an happy ending with hugs and love, and I was so happy to have expressed my fears and desire.
The day after just before waking up I was going through fears and worries because I didn't have any clear guidance about the world tour ticket. And I started to see I was thinking I didn't deserve such a trip, it's not life. I was seeing how one day from another my whole perception of "me", or "my reality" could change in relation to what I am going through, what is the belief on the spot! And now, I am so aware of the piece of toast with shit, that I feel afraid it has become the first one in my mind. As yesterday, I realized deeply how much I am the creator of what I live, by my thoughts, and so I am responsible of everything that is in my life, I started to see that there are many things I was resisted to be in charge of. That I couldn't imagine I could make it is in my life, as for example my marriage with Erik, (and more when I am upset;-)). I was still seeing something outside making it happen or not. Then I told Jesus I want him to be in charge of the day for me. I wanted to think his thoughts, tell his words, I want him to guide my acts, and use my voice to talk. And I lived a so wonderful experience, of deep peace immediately, and was shwown that everything is in me, there is no external power, no external God telling me what to do or not do, there is no external entity or even no internal entity. That's the decision in my mind, all my thoughts, and everything that I am living is in relation with what is deeply in what seems to be "my" mind. So my experience has the color of the love or the fear, and the more I love "me", what is just the projection of my right mind or my wrong mind, the more I recognize Who I am in truth and "my" real value, the more my experience is changing for simple happiness and real Love, for I give less and less power to the identity of Armelle, and more to Jesus or HS to be the guide.
Until that day I had prefered to think there was an outside "entity" or power or authority (thinking more it was inside me, but still not "me") giving me that power or deciding, hanging on if I was listening to her or not, to give me that power. I didn't want to be responsible for all I had lived!! It was too much to think I had all that power, and I had called for all those experiences (even if since years I am aware how much everything had helped me to grow up and be where I am now). The border between being responsible or guilty is so thin, and I felt so much guilty about everything and I was so much judging me. It felt so heavy to be responsible of all what you are living, for the "good" as for the "bad" experiences. For it means that, every time I have the opportunity to make an opportunity of growing and be in the Love, or to be the victim. And I have been the victim so many times!!!!!!!!!!!!! So today, it's a really huge day for me. Waw... huge! I feel so full of gratitude, full of love and full of joy, everything seems suddenly so clear to me. Erik is still sleeping so I go down, I want to share my joy!
My mum is there. We talk a bit. She asks me some questions, and I don't want "Armelle" to answer that, I don't know what to say, so I stay quiet for a time and ask Jesus to put the words in my mouth. I explain as example that it's not because I was raised in the belief that life is a piece of toast with shit from which you eat a piece every day that I have to keep it and go on my life by experiencing that all the time, proving my belief is true, it can be changed and my experiences too. And as I already did yesterday, I gave that belief to Jesus, for it doesn't serve me anymore. As I am speaking she changes the subject! I think it's too much for her, and immediately comes the thought that I am trying to teach her! I am judging myself, and think maybe I want to feel superior or to see there is someone to heal or to save. So I don't feel good with that, and go to share with Erik what I feel. As I am sharing it, he goes in the same way of thinking than I am. I saw how much he is the pure reflection of my mind, those last days. If I feel certain, he is completely with me. If I am doubtful he reflected it back to me. If I am afraid, he expresses fears, even if I am not expressing it! I feel bad, sad, and a bit guilty too. And in the same time I remember having asked Jesus to speak through me! I am trying to make Erik guilty about something he tells me, and he says it. I take it back and change my mind. In my communication with Jesus this morning he told me the ego would be very vicious today, I have to be very vigilant. So I remember it and let go the upset! I am so aware I feel bad and I want him to "save" me or be the guitly one. I saw how it works so many times these last days! So I know he is right, and it's in my mind!
Later we have a skype call with Jason and Kirsten who had sent us an email to talk with us about guidance and trust. In the call, Kirsten asks me what I think about paying the 400 dollars I was guided to give for the retreat in Canada in August that I couldn't give at that time, for I didn't have any money. And she speaks about integrity. I am compelely ok to give it, for sure. Now I can! But in the same time, I feel there is something in the way. When the call is finished I let this emotion coming, and I feel kind of betrayed, for at that time I told I couldn't come for I had sudden money problem, and they told me to come anyway, my call was so strong. I didn't remember we've talked about the fact I will pay later. So I was feeling "come freely, and now being asked to pay the bill!" Erik told me it has nothing to do with them, and I know it, it's with God. And I really feel betrayed by God. I feel having been "attracted" by receiving everything freely to show me obviously my path, and now he is asking me something in "return", and I feel kind of stuck in that path now. I've tursted him, I've followed the call and now I am there with all that! That's what I feel...
And I just realized that it's me, only me, not God external to me, separated. I know it! But still, I bite to the ego game. For even my relationship with Erik it's difficult for me to feel responsible of having received what I asked for. Sometimes I feel I didn't chose him, he was imposed to me. And I know it's not true at all... but in those "ego crisis" I want him to be so much guilty for me! I want him to be the cause of what I am living. So sometimes I think that if he wasn't in my life everything would be easier. (yes I wouldn't have a daily mirror reflecting my thoughts!!) Again, I can't be the "responsible" of what I feel, so he has to be guilty of something, so I am not in touch with what I am going through, I am outside!
Lunch time we all eat together with my father too, it's very nice, so much laughter! The joining happen, and I could see my parents differently.
Later I hear Erik talking to my mother about the fact that I want to pretend my beliefs are the good ones, but really all that is just beliefs!! I am not with them, but I hear this part of the conversation, and only this! And immediately I feel betrayed again, and start to hate him, so much. the story I make up is "even to my mother he is trying to show I am wrong and he is the good one, the kind one..!" I know everything is the ego, but it's so strong. More than that I start to judge myself being unable to live something else than what I am going through. I have all the power to change and I just feel so powerless facing all what I am going through. I ask Jesus to show me the truth. he does it, but a new story starts immediately. I feel so unable to be happy, so stuck in those old patterns, so guilty, so unworthy even, that I am thinking it would be easier to die than go on with this, I can't do something. I am still here, and it's so painful. I hate Erik more and more, for he even doesn't come to see if I am ok, nor to talk with me. I know I could talk to him, but I can't, and I'd want so much that he would come to talk with me, but it never happens, so the hatrid is "justified" in the ego mind. He doesn't care about me! And in the same time I live the uncomfort of still having all those emotions thinking Erik is still judging me for having them. Finally I feel becoming crazy with all that turning in my mind, right/wrong mind... who is talking, what is true... I scary myself, so after a while I decide to go to the castle and talk with Keith and Christiane, they are the only one available here to whom I can talk trully about what I am going through. I feel also stuck to be to my parents for I think I can't express my emotions. So I take my mother's car and go, without saying anything to anybody!
I burst into tears when I see Keith and he take me in his arms. then I tell everything I see, feel, think, all the hatrid for everybody, all the shame I have for having all those emotions too, and I also feel judged by Erik for having so many emotions, even if he hasn't talk to me!
They just listen to me, silently. I spend the evening there, receiving silently all the love and tenderness from Christiane, and their presence. There are also a lot of emotions going on there! It seems to be an orchestrated "meeting".
Around midnight I decide to go back, I want to be with Erik and share with him. I feel coming back to live at the castle tomorrow, that's the place where I feel it is the most helpfull for now, not knowing anything else.
When I come back, I don't say anything. Erik tells me that he would like to talk to me but he doesn't know how, and that he has some fears. My heart is wide opened at that time, facing his truth in the now, and then he tells me he perceive hostility. At that time, I feel nothing else but love, what I was still keeping one moment before had just vanished miraculously and I propose him to come in my arm. And so we are in the arms of each other. I am so happy of the way I reacted, I don't recognize the angry girl! I feel being the observor, and being guided. I am so happy...
This morning (tuesday), when I get up, my mum talks to me about the way I was the day before, and what she felt. She completely opens her heart about me, our relationship, what she would like to live instead what we are living. It's so beautiful, I am so touched and so happy. She asks me a lot of questions about the way we live our life, what we practice, and I let the Spirit pouring through me. It's so great. She is so happy of that joining, and I am too. I tell her we leave later in the day to go back to the castle for it's there I feel being, but we could meet together for lunch or spend some time later. Hugs, kisses and so much love. I am so grateful about all what she shared, it showed me a lot about my beliefs too. Few time before, I had given the thought that I couldn't express my emotions here with them, and then asked Jesus to be in charge of my day, my thoughts and my words, and my mother was crying so much! See how it's always my beliefs about the other!! As for example that I was afraid to tell her what I was exactly doing and I thought she would be ashamed to share it with her friends, but she told me the opposite! what they think about that is not her problem. So I took this belief back to me;-))
And she told me that often she is inspired by what I share and think she could apply this principles to her life too. So I felt to give her "only one mind" in French and she started to read it. And she told me she thinks it will be really good for her!!!!
And later the joining with my father showed again how he has a big heart too, and want to join, in his way.
My perception has completely changed, I gave the beliefs to Jesus and it come back to me by reflecting it.
So finally we left, I am compeltely at peace, with both of my parents, and feeling so much love and gratitude for all what I lived. It's really always in my mind, I still saw it so much!
With love
Armelle
The lesson is ALWAYS my own.
Erik: Well, I had an amazing experience with Armelle last night that I feel strongly to share, as it was a HUGE undoing for my old belief system. It seems that the Holy Spirit is just taking me deeper down the rabbit-hole than I've ever been comfortable with going before.
As I wrote yesterday, Armelle was seemingly going through a LOT of negative emotions. What seemed worse was that she wasn't sharing them with me verbally, but was (in my perception anyway) just walking around with a very hostile and defensive attitude. It has been a repeating pattern in our relationship, and yesterday's article was a reflection of my desire to find a permanent solution... which I know MUST exist and must exist SOLELY in my own mind. For if I am truly the "dreamer of the dream" as the Course teaches, then this must be MY lesson and not hers. I knew that if I wanted to be truly helpful (to both of us), I needed to really have the EXPERIENCE of seeing that she is not a separate mind outside of my own, but simply an outside picture of my own inner belief system. And that if I'm reacting with ANY loss of peace, it must NOT be because of her, but only because of which belief system I'm giving power to (the ego's or the Holy Spirit's). Only by such a complete reversal of my perception would healing for all be possible.
So after I wrote the blog yesterday, I began to really practice watching my mind and being vigilant for questioning my assumptions. Then last night, it felt like the Holy Spirit gave me what felt like a "Final Exam" for this day of mind-watching. It felt like a BIG and challenging "test" that, if I "passed" it, would serve to strengthen what I'd been practicing all day and be a leap into much deeper peace.
It started when Armelle came back to the house late at night after having left for several hours during the evening. She had left without telling me where she was going, and I felt that she was still VERY upset about something. I had some ideas about what she might be upset about, but I chose to focus NOT on my own ideas about what SHE might be upset about, but rather on looking for the cause of upset in my OWN mind.
Anyway, when she came back late at night, I was in the bedroom doing stuff on the internet, and she got into bed without saying much. She still seemed upset and closed to me. We were both silent for several uncomfortable minutes, and then finally, when I felt that I was feeling relatively at peace, I asked her how her evening was. She gave a quick, "Good" and I interpreted this as her not wanting to talk. After a couple more minutes of silence, she then said in a tone which I felt had a hint of sarcasm to it, "How was YOUR evening? Perhaps you were asking me how my evening was because you wanted to tell me about yours?" Trying to be pleasant, I then told her basically what I had been doing... studying French some more, reading some of David's writings, and meditating a bit. She responded by saying, very sarcastically, something about how she would have "hoped that our relationship was at the level where I might share something a bit deeper about my day and not so "surface-level" but that perhaps she was wrong about me." Ouch.
It felt like a very hostile attack, and I chose not to respond, as it seemed that she was just very upset about something and was LOOKING to find fault in me so that she could have a scapegoat for her anger. For the next several minutes of silence, I felt VERY uncomfortable, because part of me was sorely tempted to try what I 'd tried so many times in the past and failed, which would have been to say something to break the tension like, "So what are you upset about? I'm here for you if you want to talk, you know?". My ego would have me believe that this was the "compassionate" approach, but I realized that if said ANYTHING while still feeling even a TINY degree of discomfort, it would only serve to strengthen the ego in us both.
I also heard Ken Wapnick in my mind saying something I'd heard him say once: "When you TRY to be loving, you are NOT being loving. When you TRY to be kind, you are NOT being kind." He went on to say that it is only the ego that TRIES to be loving, and that when we are aligned with the Holy Spirit, Love just NATURALLY pours through us, and there is no feeling of "trying" at all.
So I began to really switch my focus from being on her and how she seemed to be feeling, to tuning into to how I was really feeling. I began to turn inwardly to the Spirit and ask for help. On the surface, I could see that I was feeling defensive, and that underneath the defensiveness was fear. It seemed to be a fear of "messing up", of being attacked, and of being hated or disliked by Armelle, but underneath it, I realized was the fear of having my "shame" exposed and of being destroyed by God. I knew that all of this guilt and fear was the result of my DESIRE to believe that separation is possible, and yet it felt SO real to me that I didn't feel like I could break through that belief on my own.
So finally, in a state of true humility, I said to Armelle, "I feel like I don't know how to respond or what to say right now. I'm afraid. I perceive hostility, and I'm afraid."
In my perception, what seemed to happen next was that she, still in what seemed like a defensive posture, said, "Are you willing to take full responsibility for what you feel? Are you willing to see that this hostility you perceive is being shown to you only as a reflection of your own mind?" While I could hear my ego screaching, "No, this is YOUR fault!", I knew that wasn't the voice that would bring me peace, and that I truly WAS willing to take responsibility for my own perception. So I said "Yes" while feeling like I was shaking inside.
What happened next, was a miracle. She suddenly seemed to shift into a state of complete openness and love for me. She said "I love you." and I could feel it, and then asked me to come closer so she could hold me. I did, and rested in her arms as she gently stroked my hair as if I was her beloved baby. It was an INCREDIBLY humbling experience for me. At first, I could hear my ego raging inside even more, saying, "What??? YOU are not the one who has all the emotional problems! She is!!! She is the one who's been non-communicative all day, who said all those hurtful things to you, and who is unwilling to take responsibility herself! Why should you be the one to take responsibility and humble yourself to her! Where is HER willingness to be humble?? She's the one that needs healing FAR more than you do!"
And yet, I'd been down that road too many times. I'd listened to that voice telling me those things so many times, and it had never resulted in anything good, and so I was started to learn that it must be lying to me. I didn't want to continue believing the story I'd been telling myself about "Erik and Armelle being these two spiritual people where Erik is the calm and more enlightened one, and Armelle is the more emotional one who has a bit more mind-training to do before she'll catch up with Erik." I am tired of that way of thinking. All it seems to be giving me is a false sense of superiority, and lots of painful experiences.
At that moment of resting in her arms I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was TRULY the only one who was delusional. I opened my mind to the real possibility that all my old perceptions about there being "many people, all at different levels of spiritual enlightenment" was just a huge delusion I'd been living in, and that I, as the dreamer of this insane dream, was the ONLY one who needed help!
As I began to seriously open up to this realization that I, and ONLY I, had been the mistaken one all along... I began to get in touch with a very DEEP terror. It was the terror of waking up once and for all. I saw the possibility of permanent release from the dream of bodies, and it scared the hell out of me! Yet, the glimpse was powerful, and I feel that I'm one step closer to accepting the Atonement - that the separation REALLY never happened and that the world I perceive doesn't exist at all.
This morning I was reading the transcript of one of David's talks on the "Teacher of Teachers" website (http://teacherofteachers.net) and he was talking about how the only problem is the belief that loss is possible. Contemplating the idea that there IS no loss has been a theme for me today, and my state of mind has been feeling much more abstract and peaceful than usual. I'm also seeing that Armelle's state of mind seems to be a barometer for where my own mind is at. When I'm truly resting in the miraculous realization that loss is impossible, I perceive her as my savior. But when I start to slip into the perception of separate bodies, I become afraid and defensive. I fear being disliked by her and then my behavior seems to reinforce this fear by causing me to act in ways that sponsor moments of disharmony between us.
So that's where I'm at today. I'm learning to stay vigilantly aware that the problem is always in my mind, and ONLY in my mind. And then I can accept the Holy Spirit's correction. I still feel afraid, but I also feel VERY hopeful! The walls of false understanding that I built within are beginning to crack more and more, and at last... the Light is beginning to stream in to fill my mind with the experience of God's peace. My deepest prayer is only that my faith will continue to deepen more each day, until the walls have disappeared completely...
All my Love to you always, for you are truly my Savior.
Erik
As I wrote yesterday, Armelle was seemingly going through a LOT of negative emotions. What seemed worse was that she wasn't sharing them with me verbally, but was (in my perception anyway) just walking around with a very hostile and defensive attitude. It has been a repeating pattern in our relationship, and yesterday's article was a reflection of my desire to find a permanent solution... which I know MUST exist and must exist SOLELY in my own mind. For if I am truly the "dreamer of the dream" as the Course teaches, then this must be MY lesson and not hers. I knew that if I wanted to be truly helpful (to both of us), I needed to really have the EXPERIENCE of seeing that she is not a separate mind outside of my own, but simply an outside picture of my own inner belief system. And that if I'm reacting with ANY loss of peace, it must NOT be because of her, but only because of which belief system I'm giving power to (the ego's or the Holy Spirit's). Only by such a complete reversal of my perception would healing for all be possible.
So after I wrote the blog yesterday, I began to really practice watching my mind and being vigilant for questioning my assumptions. Then last night, it felt like the Holy Spirit gave me what felt like a "Final Exam" for this day of mind-watching. It felt like a BIG and challenging "test" that, if I "passed" it, would serve to strengthen what I'd been practicing all day and be a leap into much deeper peace.
It started when Armelle came back to the house late at night after having left for several hours during the evening. She had left without telling me where she was going, and I felt that she was still VERY upset about something. I had some ideas about what she might be upset about, but I chose to focus NOT on my own ideas about what SHE might be upset about, but rather on looking for the cause of upset in my OWN mind.
Anyway, when she came back late at night, I was in the bedroom doing stuff on the internet, and she got into bed without saying much. She still seemed upset and closed to me. We were both silent for several uncomfortable minutes, and then finally, when I felt that I was feeling relatively at peace, I asked her how her evening was. She gave a quick, "Good" and I interpreted this as her not wanting to talk. After a couple more minutes of silence, she then said in a tone which I felt had a hint of sarcasm to it, "How was YOUR evening? Perhaps you were asking me how my evening was because you wanted to tell me about yours?" Trying to be pleasant, I then told her basically what I had been doing... studying French some more, reading some of David's writings, and meditating a bit. She responded by saying, very sarcastically, something about how she would have "hoped that our relationship was at the level where I might share something a bit deeper about my day and not so "surface-level" but that perhaps she was wrong about me." Ouch.
It felt like a very hostile attack, and I chose not to respond, as it seemed that she was just very upset about something and was LOOKING to find fault in me so that she could have a scapegoat for her anger. For the next several minutes of silence, I felt VERY uncomfortable, because part of me was sorely tempted to try what I 'd tried so many times in the past and failed, which would have been to say something to break the tension like, "So what are you upset about? I'm here for you if you want to talk, you know?". My ego would have me believe that this was the "compassionate" approach, but I realized that if said ANYTHING while still feeling even a TINY degree of discomfort, it would only serve to strengthen the ego in us both.
I also heard Ken Wapnick in my mind saying something I'd heard him say once: "When you TRY to be loving, you are NOT being loving. When you TRY to be kind, you are NOT being kind." He went on to say that it is only the ego that TRIES to be loving, and that when we are aligned with the Holy Spirit, Love just NATURALLY pours through us, and there is no feeling of "trying" at all.
So I began to really switch my focus from being on her and how she seemed to be feeling, to tuning into to how I was really feeling. I began to turn inwardly to the Spirit and ask for help. On the surface, I could see that I was feeling defensive, and that underneath the defensiveness was fear. It seemed to be a fear of "messing up", of being attacked, and of being hated or disliked by Armelle, but underneath it, I realized was the fear of having my "shame" exposed and of being destroyed by God. I knew that all of this guilt and fear was the result of my DESIRE to believe that separation is possible, and yet it felt SO real to me that I didn't feel like I could break through that belief on my own.
So finally, in a state of true humility, I said to Armelle, "I feel like I don't know how to respond or what to say right now. I'm afraid. I perceive hostility, and I'm afraid."
In my perception, what seemed to happen next was that she, still in what seemed like a defensive posture, said, "Are you willing to take full responsibility for what you feel? Are you willing to see that this hostility you perceive is being shown to you only as a reflection of your own mind?" While I could hear my ego screaching, "No, this is YOUR fault!", I knew that wasn't the voice that would bring me peace, and that I truly WAS willing to take responsibility for my own perception. So I said "Yes" while feeling like I was shaking inside.
What happened next, was a miracle. She suddenly seemed to shift into a state of complete openness and love for me. She said "I love you." and I could feel it, and then asked me to come closer so she could hold me. I did, and rested in her arms as she gently stroked my hair as if I was her beloved baby. It was an INCREDIBLY humbling experience for me. At first, I could hear my ego raging inside even more, saying, "What??? YOU are not the one who has all the emotional problems! She is!!! She is the one who's been non-communicative all day, who said all those hurtful things to you, and who is unwilling to take responsibility herself! Why should you be the one to take responsibility and humble yourself to her! Where is HER willingness to be humble?? She's the one that needs healing FAR more than you do!"
And yet, I'd been down that road too many times. I'd listened to that voice telling me those things so many times, and it had never resulted in anything good, and so I was started to learn that it must be lying to me. I didn't want to continue believing the story I'd been telling myself about "Erik and Armelle being these two spiritual people where Erik is the calm and more enlightened one, and Armelle is the more emotional one who has a bit more mind-training to do before she'll catch up with Erik." I am tired of that way of thinking. All it seems to be giving me is a false sense of superiority, and lots of painful experiences.
At that moment of resting in her arms I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was TRULY the only one who was delusional. I opened my mind to the real possibility that all my old perceptions about there being "many people, all at different levels of spiritual enlightenment" was just a huge delusion I'd been living in, and that I, as the dreamer of this insane dream, was the ONLY one who needed help!
As I began to seriously open up to this realization that I, and ONLY I, had been the mistaken one all along... I began to get in touch with a very DEEP terror. It was the terror of waking up once and for all. I saw the possibility of permanent release from the dream of bodies, and it scared the hell out of me! Yet, the glimpse was powerful, and I feel that I'm one step closer to accepting the Atonement - that the separation REALLY never happened and that the world I perceive doesn't exist at all.
This morning I was reading the transcript of one of David's talks on the "Teacher of Teachers" website (http://teacherofteachers.net) and he was talking about how the only problem is the belief that loss is possible. Contemplating the idea that there IS no loss has been a theme for me today, and my state of mind has been feeling much more abstract and peaceful than usual. I'm also seeing that Armelle's state of mind seems to be a barometer for where my own mind is at. When I'm truly resting in the miraculous realization that loss is impossible, I perceive her as my savior. But when I start to slip into the perception of separate bodies, I become afraid and defensive. I fear being disliked by her and then my behavior seems to reinforce this fear by causing me to act in ways that sponsor moments of disharmony between us.
So that's where I'm at today. I'm learning to stay vigilantly aware that the problem is always in my mind, and ONLY in my mind. And then I can accept the Holy Spirit's correction. I still feel afraid, but I also feel VERY hopeful! The walls of false understanding that I built within are beginning to crack more and more, and at last... the Light is beginning to stream in to fill my mind with the experience of God's peace. My deepest prayer is only that my faith will continue to deepen more each day, until the walls have disappeared completely...
All my Love to you always, for you are truly my Savior.
Erik
Jan 11, 2010
Forgiveness
Erik: Well, today we are still in Belgium, but at Armelle's parents house in Dinant. I met them a couple weeks ago when we visited for Christmas (or "Noel" as they say here), and we got along wonderfully! And last night we felt it was time to come back here, and leave the comfy castle we had been staying at the prior week and a half. We weren't sure why, but we both felt it was time to leave the castle and to come spend more time with her parents... perhaps simply for the purpose of flushing up any unresolved "parent" issues for releasing.
We arrived last night, and today I've noticed that I'm perceiving Armelle as having a lot of unresolved emotions come up. I perceive fear and confusion in her, and yet I'm being reminded by my inner Guide that it's really MY lesson. If I feel any lack of peace (which I do) and believe that it is because someone "outside" of me is having what I would call "negative" emotions coming up, then it can only be because I am still being tempted to see through the ego's lense.
So today, while she may indeed be having some fear, anger, or other emotions come up, I am having my own uncomfortable emotions come up, and it's a perfect opportunity to trace those emotions back in my own mind, rather than just hoping her emotions will heal quickly.
What it seems to flush up for me is the same feeling I've had in all my past relationships, when it seemed like my partner was becoming emotional, and I would start feeling defensive in reaction to her emotions. My mind always seems to make me feel that if they are upset, it must be about me! Or even if they weren't originally upset because of something having to do with me, my experience has always been that I try to "fix" her emotion, and THEN she gets upset with me.
So now I'm learning to NOT try to "fix" the emotion. Instead I need to remember that the only thing that needs to be "fixed" is my belief that her emotions might be a problem. I still believe that if she is not joyful, then it might result in her making a "bad" decision that would negatively impact us both! And so I'm seeing now that there are lots of false assumptions in my mind that still need to be raised up to the Light and dissolved there... i.e. the belief that "bad" things can happen; the belief that there are "bad" emotions; and ultimately the belief that I am a body in the world in a special relationship with someone "outside" of me who has a separate mind. I see that it is merely these beliefs that are the cause of my discomfort, and when I believe these things, my perception simply calls forth witnesses that seem to "prove" them to me. Thus, I end up perceiving Armelle as having "bad" emotions, I feel justified in feeling uncomfortable, and then anything I try to do or say to her only reinforces the ego in us both!
Whew... I'm feeling better already just putting all that into words! It's SO great to express all these thoughts here and thus share my healing with everyone. It's one thing to acknowledge these things for myself, like in a private journal or something... but there's something so powerful for me about sharing the thoughts for the whole world to read! It seems to strengthen the ideas in my own mind far more powerfully than if I simply kept them for myself.
So that's where I'm at today... processing my discomfort with the help of the Holy Spirit in my mind, and I'm also doing lots of relaxing, spiritual study, and some French study here and there too! My French is definitely improving the more I practice speaking the phrases I DO know as best I can, even if I sometimes feel totally inadequate with the pronunciation! Everyone here is being really great with me in helping me learn! Maybe I'll write another blog post at some point soon about how I've been applying my forgiveness practice... to my French lessons!
Until then, I am in deep gratitude to you Who Are my Self, and Who are a part of my healing! Thanks for listening.
Love,
Erik
We arrived last night, and today I've noticed that I'm perceiving Armelle as having a lot of unresolved emotions come up. I perceive fear and confusion in her, and yet I'm being reminded by my inner Guide that it's really MY lesson. If I feel any lack of peace (which I do) and believe that it is because someone "outside" of me is having what I would call "negative" emotions coming up, then it can only be because I am still being tempted to see through the ego's lense.
So today, while she may indeed be having some fear, anger, or other emotions come up, I am having my own uncomfortable emotions come up, and it's a perfect opportunity to trace those emotions back in my own mind, rather than just hoping her emotions will heal quickly.
What it seems to flush up for me is the same feeling I've had in all my past relationships, when it seemed like my partner was becoming emotional, and I would start feeling defensive in reaction to her emotions. My mind always seems to make me feel that if they are upset, it must be about me! Or even if they weren't originally upset because of something having to do with me, my experience has always been that I try to "fix" her emotion, and THEN she gets upset with me.
So now I'm learning to NOT try to "fix" the emotion. Instead I need to remember that the only thing that needs to be "fixed" is my belief that her emotions might be a problem. I still believe that if she is not joyful, then it might result in her making a "bad" decision that would negatively impact us both! And so I'm seeing now that there are lots of false assumptions in my mind that still need to be raised up to the Light and dissolved there... i.e. the belief that "bad" things can happen; the belief that there are "bad" emotions; and ultimately the belief that I am a body in the world in a special relationship with someone "outside" of me who has a separate mind. I see that it is merely these beliefs that are the cause of my discomfort, and when I believe these things, my perception simply calls forth witnesses that seem to "prove" them to me. Thus, I end up perceiving Armelle as having "bad" emotions, I feel justified in feeling uncomfortable, and then anything I try to do or say to her only reinforces the ego in us both!
Whew... I'm feeling better already just putting all that into words! It's SO great to express all these thoughts here and thus share my healing with everyone. It's one thing to acknowledge these things for myself, like in a private journal or something... but there's something so powerful for me about sharing the thoughts for the whole world to read! It seems to strengthen the ideas in my own mind far more powerfully than if I simply kept them for myself.
So that's where I'm at today... processing my discomfort with the help of the Holy Spirit in my mind, and I'm also doing lots of relaxing, spiritual study, and some French study here and there too! My French is definitely improving the more I practice speaking the phrases I DO know as best I can, even if I sometimes feel totally inadequate with the pronunciation! Everyone here is being really great with me in helping me learn! Maybe I'll write another blog post at some point soon about how I've been applying my forgiveness practice... to my French lessons!
Until then, I am in deep gratitude to you Who Are my Self, and Who are a part of my healing! Thanks for listening.
Love,
Erik
Jan 10, 2010
Learning Deep Trust
Erik: Yesterday I had an experience of surrender that was deeper than anything I'd experienced before. It was a lesson in moving to a deeper level of trust, where the question of whether or not the Guidance coming from Armelle was authentic or not became irrelevant. Instead, I realized that all that was truly important was trusting her and joining with her, by releasing any fears I had about what might happen if she was wrong.
Specifically, she was feeling strong Guidance for us to buy advance plane tickets to several countries that she saw us visiting over the next 6 months. She'd had some visions during meditation of us visiting these countries, and when she originally shared these visions with me, I felt excited as well. But last Friday when she was feeling that it was time for us to actually go online and start doing research to buy the tickets, my fear came up and I began to doubt her. I then began to justify my doubts by pointing out to her how inconsistent she has been emotionally. As a result, I felt separate from her and thus separate from God. She was upset with me and I felt guilty.
Last night though, after a long day of the two of us not talking to each other, she finally came to me with tears in her eyes and asked me to just trust her, even if her guidance was wrong. At first, I felt extremely conflicted, because her guidance seemed to be in opposition to what seemed practical. I told her how conflicted I was feeling, and then a short while later we had a group discussion about it in the kitchen along with Keith and our friend Christiane. During that conversation, I finally came to the realization that it ultimately didn't matter whether her Guidance was right or wrong. I realized that, as the Course teaches, it's really impossible to make a mistake on the level of behavior, but only on the level of perception. What mattered truly in that moment was letting go of my fears and simply trusting her, even if she was "wrong", in order to have the experience of oneness that is the true Goal.
I also began to realize that it didn't matter what my past experience with someone told me about whether they were trust-worthy or not. Trust is ALWAYS justified, because it leads to a state of connectedness and Joy. We are so frightened of making wrong decisions in this world, and yet the only way we can learn that there is nothing to fear is by being defenseless and trusting. For me, it was about giving up all my reasons for not trusting, and simply saying "Yes" to her, surrendering to any possibility that might occur. It was about being willing to "lose" all my money, being willing to possibly end up in the "wrong place", and ultimately about being willing to say "Yes" to what might be an "outrageous" request, simply to practice releasing my fear.
So I surrendered and said "Yes", even though I was afraid! In the moment I surrendered and decided to trust her guidance, my fear vanished! Instead, my state of mind shifted into an incredibly deep level of inner peace like none I'd ever known before. It was almost as if the "fearful Erik personality" wasn't there anymore except as a fading memory, just flickering in and out of awareness. I began to have the experience of knowing that there is only one Mind that we all share, and that we are pure Spirit and nothing else.
Since making that decision to simply trust her and stay connected, I now feel a peaceful sense of fearlessness about whatever outcome might arise. Incidentally, we haven't bought any plane tickets still, but I know now that what's important is only to remain in this state of deep trust. There is nothing to protect. I don't have to protect my money or my body anymore. Peace of mind is the only prize worth protecting.
I'm also seeing that there are no hierarchies in terms of which people are more spiritually advanced or trustworthy than other people. I don't need to think that way anymore. It was helpful for a time perhaps, in order to help me discern between who to trust and who not to trust, but now my Purpose is to see EVERYONE as equally trustworthy. This may seem very impractical from the worldly "common sense" point of view, but from the spiritual view, it is highly practical. I see now that I don't need to be afraid that this perspective will cause me to make irrational decisions, but just the opposite. When we see everyone as trustworthy, we have no fear and we extend only Love. And when we extend only Love, Love is all we receive.
I know that all I truly want in life is to experience myself as pure Spirit with nothing to fear. And to experience this, I must see EVERYONE as pure Spirit, for such they are in truth. I must continue extending perfect trust to all my brothers and sisters, who are my very Self. And in the state of perfect trust, there is perfect peace. It's the only Gift worth having...
Love always,
Erik
Specifically, she was feeling strong Guidance for us to buy advance plane tickets to several countries that she saw us visiting over the next 6 months. She'd had some visions during meditation of us visiting these countries, and when she originally shared these visions with me, I felt excited as well. But last Friday when she was feeling that it was time for us to actually go online and start doing research to buy the tickets, my fear came up and I began to doubt her. I then began to justify my doubts by pointing out to her how inconsistent she has been emotionally. As a result, I felt separate from her and thus separate from God. She was upset with me and I felt guilty.
Last night though, after a long day of the two of us not talking to each other, she finally came to me with tears in her eyes and asked me to just trust her, even if her guidance was wrong. At first, I felt extremely conflicted, because her guidance seemed to be in opposition to what seemed practical. I told her how conflicted I was feeling, and then a short while later we had a group discussion about it in the kitchen along with Keith and our friend Christiane. During that conversation, I finally came to the realization that it ultimately didn't matter whether her Guidance was right or wrong. I realized that, as the Course teaches, it's really impossible to make a mistake on the level of behavior, but only on the level of perception. What mattered truly in that moment was letting go of my fears and simply trusting her, even if she was "wrong", in order to have the experience of oneness that is the true Goal.
I also began to realize that it didn't matter what my past experience with someone told me about whether they were trust-worthy or not. Trust is ALWAYS justified, because it leads to a state of connectedness and Joy. We are so frightened of making wrong decisions in this world, and yet the only way we can learn that there is nothing to fear is by being defenseless and trusting. For me, it was about giving up all my reasons for not trusting, and simply saying "Yes" to her, surrendering to any possibility that might occur. It was about being willing to "lose" all my money, being willing to possibly end up in the "wrong place", and ultimately about being willing to say "Yes" to what might be an "outrageous" request, simply to practice releasing my fear.
So I surrendered and said "Yes", even though I was afraid! In the moment I surrendered and decided to trust her guidance, my fear vanished! Instead, my state of mind shifted into an incredibly deep level of inner peace like none I'd ever known before. It was almost as if the "fearful Erik personality" wasn't there anymore except as a fading memory, just flickering in and out of awareness. I began to have the experience of knowing that there is only one Mind that we all share, and that we are pure Spirit and nothing else.
Since making that decision to simply trust her and stay connected, I now feel a peaceful sense of fearlessness about whatever outcome might arise. Incidentally, we haven't bought any plane tickets still, but I know now that what's important is only to remain in this state of deep trust. There is nothing to protect. I don't have to protect my money or my body anymore. Peace of mind is the only prize worth protecting.
I'm also seeing that there are no hierarchies in terms of which people are more spiritually advanced or trustworthy than other people. I don't need to think that way anymore. It was helpful for a time perhaps, in order to help me discern between who to trust and who not to trust, but now my Purpose is to see EVERYONE as equally trustworthy. This may seem very impractical from the worldly "common sense" point of view, but from the spiritual view, it is highly practical. I see now that I don't need to be afraid that this perspective will cause me to make irrational decisions, but just the opposite. When we see everyone as trustworthy, we have no fear and we extend only Love. And when we extend only Love, Love is all we receive.
I know that all I truly want in life is to experience myself as pure Spirit with nothing to fear. And to experience this, I must see EVERYONE as pure Spirit, for such they are in truth. I must continue extending perfect trust to all my brothers and sisters, who are my very Self. And in the state of perfect trust, there is perfect peace. It's the only Gift worth having...
Love always,
Erik
Guidance and trust
Armelle: Friday morning, I got the guidance to buy a world tour plane ticket, after several times I kept receiving the clear guidance for several places to visit in the next months. It was seeming clearly to be the next step. I was so joyful and inspired to trust fully Jesus, and let go all the fear associated with the unknown or about money. So when Erik got up, I shared that with him. And he had some fears coming. He didn't feel the guidance as I did. He had a lot of fears about money and about the fact of taking a wrong path and loose time. And he was judging that I wasn't humble enough to be willing to be wrong about my guidance. But now, I am at that point where I feel guided by Jesus, with whom I communicate every morning, to trust what I get and feel, and stay in that certainty. I feel important for me to be uncompromising with everything. And so, I couldn't explain to Erik what I felt or why I was feeling it, but it was just so strong, and I felt it so strong. So I didn't feel the need to ask others, who are outside me, if the guidance was right or not, for I felt it so strongly inside! So I told him if it's need was to ask someone he can do it too. He doesn't want to trust because I am going through a lot of emotions and so for him I am not trustable. He can't imagine I can get true guidance!
I felt I was taken it personnaly, and was very touched by the fact of him not trusting me. Later, he received the David's answer telling we wouldn't go anywhere if we don't have any invitation et communication, first. We just finished a deep talk, where the HS was pouring through me and where Erik came to a surrender point. We were about to buy that plane ticket. And so we didn't. I completely surrendered to what David said, telling that we never know what guidance is for. And I found that deep talk and all the day so important. I was really gaining in trust of my feelings and intuition and it felt so right. Later, I realized I was really touched by David's e-mail and it didn't resonate inside. All the guidance I've received about the world tour never talked about receiving invitations to go somewhere or to give gathering or workshop, but about sharing the love, sharing our inspired passions and shining our light, everywhere we will be. So I felt really sad, and I had this impression I've experienced almost all my life... to go too fast, that others weren't ready for what I felt, and that I was kept from following my heart by fears of "others", or "other"'s feeling. But I am learning to trust what I get inside, and only my heart can tell me the truth, and it's so strong, I feel so certain. In my bed, I cried so much. it's so deep. I feel un-understood and un-heard.
Yesterday, I wrote Jesus'words when I got up, and he talked about the fact that the most important thing is continuing shining my light, that it will shine on the darkness. On his way, he had to say words coming from the HS and people weren't understanding or reacting positively, or following him. but it wasn't important! What was important, was for him to say them, and for him to trust what he was receiving, and still see the Truth in his Brother. What was there in the Present Moment was for him, for his path, and that's exactely what he had to trust. And he told me that there are some times you feel or think things with so much certainty that there is no room for doubt. It's the time just to be and shine all the Love that I am. And nothing of what I can possibly do in the world will be more powerfull than the rays of my heart, burning of the Father's Love.
So I let him in charge of the day for me... and followed all what was given to me moment by moment, staying in the Now. I didn't speak to Erik until the end of the day, when I felt ready to see only the Christ in him, and that I was just feeling love for him. I took the whole day to be lead through all that process. Resting, sleeping, meditations, readings...
I've asked, the heart full of love and acceptance of what could come, to Erik to trust me and follow me, that I couldn't explain why I feel that, how it comes to me... there is no logical explanations, but I feel so much the rightness of that. He felt conflicted because, he was a bit willing of trusting me but what David said had much importance than what I could possibly ever say. I told him how much I love him and that I have exactely the same purpose than his, and that's why we are together, and that he knows my devotion to that purpose, and that, he can trust.And I ask him just to say "yes", that was the only thing that matters! But he still wanted to have explanations. So I left the room, telling him that I will love him no matter what happens.
Finally we had that beautiful joining with Keith and Christiane in the kitchen, where the HS was pouring through Keith. I just stayed in that state that everything is perfect, and of pure love, letting Jesus talking for me and staying silent if nothing was coming. I truted so much I am guided all along the way. After asking so much questions and trying to get answers, Erik finally said "YES", and that he will follow and trust me, because it's too painful to resist, and that the only thing that he wants now, is surrendering. I felt my heart opening so wide, and something shifting.
Later I had a skype call with a friend about all that and the guidance topic. It was really interesting, and going exactly in the same sens than Jason's e-mail (one of the messengers of peace to whom Erik wrote his doubts yesterday to see clearer) about guidance, that we received this morning!
What I see now, is how much all that was important for us to go to emotions, resistances, and trust more and more! I had to trust what I received and stay connected even if the "other" doesn't seem to think as I do, or doesn't trust me or follow me, it's just about my lesson, and the joining in the Now, not especially abou the fact that what was guided will happen or not, but really about the process and what is brought up in the Now. And this week for me was really about the fact of being in the Now....
So yeah, I am so happy... whatever seems to happen or not! Everything is always perfect, isn't it???
So that's the story of Erik and Armelle surrendering... For finally I also surrender to what the HS is giving me to experience for weeks... Thanks to everyone, thanks to the Spirit, to Jesus, to our Father to take care like that of us, and loving us so unconditonally...
I felt I was taken it personnaly, and was very touched by the fact of him not trusting me. Later, he received the David's answer telling we wouldn't go anywhere if we don't have any invitation et communication, first. We just finished a deep talk, where the HS was pouring through me and where Erik came to a surrender point. We were about to buy that plane ticket. And so we didn't. I completely surrendered to what David said, telling that we never know what guidance is for. And I found that deep talk and all the day so important. I was really gaining in trust of my feelings and intuition and it felt so right. Later, I realized I was really touched by David's e-mail and it didn't resonate inside. All the guidance I've received about the world tour never talked about receiving invitations to go somewhere or to give gathering or workshop, but about sharing the love, sharing our inspired passions and shining our light, everywhere we will be. So I felt really sad, and I had this impression I've experienced almost all my life... to go too fast, that others weren't ready for what I felt, and that I was kept from following my heart by fears of "others", or "other"'s feeling. But I am learning to trust what I get inside, and only my heart can tell me the truth, and it's so strong, I feel so certain. In my bed, I cried so much. it's so deep. I feel un-understood and un-heard.
Yesterday, I wrote Jesus'words when I got up, and he talked about the fact that the most important thing is continuing shining my light, that it will shine on the darkness. On his way, he had to say words coming from the HS and people weren't understanding or reacting positively, or following him. but it wasn't important! What was important, was for him to say them, and for him to trust what he was receiving, and still see the Truth in his Brother. What was there in the Present Moment was for him, for his path, and that's exactely what he had to trust. And he told me that there are some times you feel or think things with so much certainty that there is no room for doubt. It's the time just to be and shine all the Love that I am. And nothing of what I can possibly do in the world will be more powerfull than the rays of my heart, burning of the Father's Love.
So I let him in charge of the day for me... and followed all what was given to me moment by moment, staying in the Now. I didn't speak to Erik until the end of the day, when I felt ready to see only the Christ in him, and that I was just feeling love for him. I took the whole day to be lead through all that process. Resting, sleeping, meditations, readings...
I've asked, the heart full of love and acceptance of what could come, to Erik to trust me and follow me, that I couldn't explain why I feel that, how it comes to me... there is no logical explanations, but I feel so much the rightness of that. He felt conflicted because, he was a bit willing of trusting me but what David said had much importance than what I could possibly ever say. I told him how much I love him and that I have exactely the same purpose than his, and that's why we are together, and that he knows my devotion to that purpose, and that, he can trust.And I ask him just to say "yes", that was the only thing that matters! But he still wanted to have explanations. So I left the room, telling him that I will love him no matter what happens.
Finally we had that beautiful joining with Keith and Christiane in the kitchen, where the HS was pouring through Keith. I just stayed in that state that everything is perfect, and of pure love, letting Jesus talking for me and staying silent if nothing was coming. I truted so much I am guided all along the way. After asking so much questions and trying to get answers, Erik finally said "YES", and that he will follow and trust me, because it's too painful to resist, and that the only thing that he wants now, is surrendering. I felt my heart opening so wide, and something shifting.
Later I had a skype call with a friend about all that and the guidance topic. It was really interesting, and going exactly in the same sens than Jason's e-mail (one of the messengers of peace to whom Erik wrote his doubts yesterday to see clearer) about guidance, that we received this morning!
What I see now, is how much all that was important for us to go to emotions, resistances, and trust more and more! I had to trust what I received and stay connected even if the "other" doesn't seem to think as I do, or doesn't trust me or follow me, it's just about my lesson, and the joining in the Now, not especially abou the fact that what was guided will happen or not, but really about the process and what is brought up in the Now. And this week for me was really about the fact of being in the Now....
So yeah, I am so happy... whatever seems to happen or not! Everything is always perfect, isn't it???
So that's the story of Erik and Armelle surrendering... For finally I also surrender to what the HS is giving me to experience for weeks... Thanks to everyone, thanks to the Spirit, to Jesus, to our Father to take care like that of us, and loving us so unconditonally...
Jan 7, 2010
Miracles!!!!
Armelle: Today morning, we joined in the living room, Christiane, Keith, Erik and I, to talk about the fact of staying here, and what we all feel guided to do. We were all agree to say how much it's right!!! The guidance is we will all stay here until sunday. Then we'll see.
Philippe, the owner of the place, was coming as we asked him to stay longer.
Christiane asked him how much per day he would ask for the heater, the water... And he say nothing! His only goal is to have a place to welcome people and share, as we did in the workshop last week-end, and so he is really happy to have us here. He says that the place was heated even if we are not there, and for the rest, it's not his goal. he has some people living here and the rents pay the costs, and it's good like that. So all the fear or doubt that one or another could have, just vanished at that time. We just have to shine our light and be, and we can relax!!!
We feel so blessed to be here and live that life, it's so great...
And as yesterday several ask us if they can come and visit us the week-end, Christiane was feeling giving another gathering soon. And this morning before getting up, I received the guidance of having a open day for saturday, inviting friends to come and share. So we opened it to an opened gathering day in the inspiration of the Now, with what the Spirit will inspire us... music, dance, talk, whatever will be there, in the Now!!!!!!
It's incredible! I am so happy......
Following my heart..................... and trust, all is always perfect.
Lots of love
Armelle
Philippe, the owner of the place, was coming as we asked him to stay longer.
Christiane asked him how much per day he would ask for the heater, the water... And he say nothing! His only goal is to have a place to welcome people and share, as we did in the workshop last week-end, and so he is really happy to have us here. He says that the place was heated even if we are not there, and for the rest, it's not his goal. he has some people living here and the rents pay the costs, and it's good like that. So all the fear or doubt that one or another could have, just vanished at that time. We just have to shine our light and be, and we can relax!!!
We feel so blessed to be here and live that life, it's so great...
And as yesterday several ask us if they can come and visit us the week-end, Christiane was feeling giving another gathering soon. And this morning before getting up, I received the guidance of having a open day for saturday, inviting friends to come and share. So we opened it to an opened gathering day in the inspiration of the Now, with what the Spirit will inspire us... music, dance, talk, whatever will be there, in the Now!!!!!!
It's incredible! I am so happy......
Following my heart..................... and trust, all is always perfect.
Lots of love
Armelle
Our second gathering, so much LOOOOOOVE
Armelle: Yesterday evening was our second gathering with Inner Dance, music and teachings. It was incredible. There was so much love that people didn't want to go. we stayed one hour more, singing and sharing all together. I was burning inside.
Yet at the beginning of the afternoon, Erik and I had a disagrement. And I was really sad that it happened again, but felt Erik wanted absolutely to be right, as I was expressing my feelings. Iwas feeling he never wants to take what is coming from me. So I perceived he thought he is right and I am wrong and absolutely want to prove to me it is like that, he knows and I don't know anything.
So I was just processing all that, without talking to him. And when the time of the gathering arrived we hadn't talk yet. I was feeling in the state that I don't know anything and I am completely ok to follow him, and be so humble, that I don't have any attachment to the way things will happen tonight or later on our path. I didn't share it.
At the beginning of the gathering he started to talk and shared what we were going through, telling that he wanted to be right, and that he think that because I am the one going through a lot of emotions I must be the one who is wrong, and so it reinforces his belief that he is right.
After someone has shared what she was living in a divorce, I felt guided to share my experience too, so I did. And again, it was such a gift, for me, and others... Immediately, I felt my heart opening, and started to burn, and the HS started to pour through me. There was so much love, and I could feel the joy in that deep sharing of the practicle application of the principles of the Course. And everything that happened before had vanished in the Love.
That's funny for most of the people that we meet are not in the Course, but so open to practice the mind watching to be at peace, and in the Love.
I expressed how much life is like the Inner Dance, a flowing movement so light and easy when we let be moved, and we just have to learn how to follow what we are guided to do, and let the flow be. and we came in the experience. When I was performing for people to have an idea of how it can look like, the time stopped for me, completely. I think it was the first time I lived that. The song lasted 6 minutes and I had the impression that only ten seconds had passed!! I had no thought at all during that moment. I Was, that's all...
Several persons experienced the fact of feeling carried and moved, and the lightness associated, and sometimes the difference when the mind wants to control again!! It was a really deep session.
Then Erik played some songs, and he was asked several times for another one. It was wonderful.
And Anne-Marie, who was the owner of the place asked us when do we come back again!!!
Still, Belgium seems to call;-)))
Yet at the beginning of the afternoon, Erik and I had a disagrement. And I was really sad that it happened again, but felt Erik wanted absolutely to be right, as I was expressing my feelings. Iwas feeling he never wants to take what is coming from me. So I perceived he thought he is right and I am wrong and absolutely want to prove to me it is like that, he knows and I don't know anything.
So I was just processing all that, without talking to him. And when the time of the gathering arrived we hadn't talk yet. I was feeling in the state that I don't know anything and I am completely ok to follow him, and be so humble, that I don't have any attachment to the way things will happen tonight or later on our path. I didn't share it.
At the beginning of the gathering he started to talk and shared what we were going through, telling that he wanted to be right, and that he think that because I am the one going through a lot of emotions I must be the one who is wrong, and so it reinforces his belief that he is right.
After someone has shared what she was living in a divorce, I felt guided to share my experience too, so I did. And again, it was such a gift, for me, and others... Immediately, I felt my heart opening, and started to burn, and the HS started to pour through me. There was so much love, and I could feel the joy in that deep sharing of the practicle application of the principles of the Course. And everything that happened before had vanished in the Love.
That's funny for most of the people that we meet are not in the Course, but so open to practice the mind watching to be at peace, and in the Love.
I expressed how much life is like the Inner Dance, a flowing movement so light and easy when we let be moved, and we just have to learn how to follow what we are guided to do, and let the flow be. and we came in the experience. When I was performing for people to have an idea of how it can look like, the time stopped for me, completely. I think it was the first time I lived that. The song lasted 6 minutes and I had the impression that only ten seconds had passed!! I had no thought at all during that moment. I Was, that's all...
Several persons experienced the fact of feeling carried and moved, and the lightness associated, and sometimes the difference when the mind wants to control again!! It was a really deep session.
Then Erik played some songs, and he was asked several times for another one. It was wonderful.
And Anne-Marie, who was the owner of the place asked us when do we come back again!!!
Still, Belgium seems to call;-)))
Jan 5, 2010
We gave our first dance and music workshop, in Belgium
Armelle: We gave our first workshop!!! In Belgium, just to start the year...
The workshop was so incredible, there was so much love. I was so touched and so grateful of meeting all those people, I even cried a bit (so much emotion).
And for me a huge healing w-e! Erik had the guidance on Friday that he would lead the week-end and so talk, and that I will follow, and so just translate (just for you to feel how I felt it at the beginning;-))). It was very difficult for me! Indeed, I was used to be so independant, so much guiding my life, by myself, needing anything or anybody, so... following, what a job for me!!!
I saw fisrt that I was releaved, but the ego jumped directly, and took the lead;-)) I let him doing it, actually! And so I perceived Erik was trying to control, he wasn't trusting me at all because I live a lot of emotions and that he absolutely wants to see me as weak, and so the anger started to come up. then it went away.
the morning of the first day, I started to be angry again, without really expressing it in that way but searching for anything he did as an excuse to say something to him, who could so be the guilty one;-)))
we talked just before starting the day and it was much better, I felt at peace again, but not completely to be true... we were 13 the first day!!! very symbolic;-)) and everybody was so happy.
Our friend, Keith, coming from Michigan, who was in Holland since he had left Mallorca too, joined us here. it was so great to welcome him too.
the evening everything that Erik told me, I took it as an attack and as he was trying to control me and using his guidance as a mean to not say what he was really feeling. that day, it was really difficult for me. I told it at the dinner that following was something really huge for me, and that I was going through a lot of opposed emotions. It was ok, and 5 minutes later I could be so angry! So I was just going to those kind of emotional waves... knowing everything was given to me for my healing... but still!!
I finally went alone in my room and start talking to Jesus... ans his answer was so great and so healing. everything became so clear, and I started to let go... I felt so much love
the Sunday morning, Erik shared all his fear with me, about the gathering, and about me too, the fear of being rejected by me because he expresses his guidance, and the fear that because all my emotions, we won't be connected and that the gathering would be a total failure!!!
It made me so much angry! I didn't talk to him. As if his sharing was making the ego so happy!!!!
So before starting the gathering, I read my communication with Jesus again...
Erik started the day by sharing all he was going through with everybody, and it talked so much... and then I did the same, expressing all what I understood of my behavior too.. and Erik told he exactly had the same issue;-)
As I was sharing I felt the space in my heart becoming bigger and bigger, and soon I didn't feel any of those emotions, but only Love, very deep Love and the day became wonderful. I was so touched, with often tears of gratitude in my eyes, and seeing everyone as the perfect Christ...
And the evening, we both received a massage...(mmmh) !!!
I can tell how much the Spirit is taking care of us!!!!
And finally we stayed some days more in that so beautiful castle, all together with Keith and Christiane too, who organized all those perfect days!!!!
We don't know anything about tomorrow, and I really learn to live only in the Present Moment....
The ego is coming back every time that he can, and very viciously for me, it almost seems as if I express it for both of us;-)) but it lasts less and less! And today, I lived a day in the Now, so powerful, and so healing too!!
We are here, in that so great place, where we meet and met so great people, so much in the heart... a learning of every moment, with more and more openeness to not knowing anything, and more humility... that feels really good!! It seems as if Belgium has a lot of healing for us, or certainly for me!! and I am sure it's not the end yet....
With Love
Armelle
The workshop was so incredible, there was so much love. I was so touched and so grateful of meeting all those people, I even cried a bit (so much emotion).
And for me a huge healing w-e! Erik had the guidance on Friday that he would lead the week-end and so talk, and that I will follow, and so just translate (just for you to feel how I felt it at the beginning;-))). It was very difficult for me! Indeed, I was used to be so independant, so much guiding my life, by myself, needing anything or anybody, so... following, what a job for me!!!
I saw fisrt that I was releaved, but the ego jumped directly, and took the lead;-)) I let him doing it, actually! And so I perceived Erik was trying to control, he wasn't trusting me at all because I live a lot of emotions and that he absolutely wants to see me as weak, and so the anger started to come up. then it went away.
the morning of the first day, I started to be angry again, without really expressing it in that way but searching for anything he did as an excuse to say something to him, who could so be the guilty one;-)))
we talked just before starting the day and it was much better, I felt at peace again, but not completely to be true... we were 13 the first day!!! very symbolic;-)) and everybody was so happy.
Our friend, Keith, coming from Michigan, who was in Holland since he had left Mallorca too, joined us here. it was so great to welcome him too.
the evening everything that Erik told me, I took it as an attack and as he was trying to control me and using his guidance as a mean to not say what he was really feeling. that day, it was really difficult for me. I told it at the dinner that following was something really huge for me, and that I was going through a lot of opposed emotions. It was ok, and 5 minutes later I could be so angry! So I was just going to those kind of emotional waves... knowing everything was given to me for my healing... but still!!
I finally went alone in my room and start talking to Jesus... ans his answer was so great and so healing. everything became so clear, and I started to let go... I felt so much love
the Sunday morning, Erik shared all his fear with me, about the gathering, and about me too, the fear of being rejected by me because he expresses his guidance, and the fear that because all my emotions, we won't be connected and that the gathering would be a total failure!!!
It made me so much angry! I didn't talk to him. As if his sharing was making the ego so happy!!!!
So before starting the gathering, I read my communication with Jesus again...
Erik started the day by sharing all he was going through with everybody, and it talked so much... and then I did the same, expressing all what I understood of my behavior too.. and Erik told he exactly had the same issue;-)
As I was sharing I felt the space in my heart becoming bigger and bigger, and soon I didn't feel any of those emotions, but only Love, very deep Love and the day became wonderful. I was so touched, with often tears of gratitude in my eyes, and seeing everyone as the perfect Christ...
And the evening, we both received a massage...(mmmh) !!!
I can tell how much the Spirit is taking care of us!!!!
And finally we stayed some days more in that so beautiful castle, all together with Keith and Christiane too, who organized all those perfect days!!!!
We don't know anything about tomorrow, and I really learn to live only in the Present Moment....
The ego is coming back every time that he can, and very viciously for me, it almost seems as if I express it for both of us;-)) but it lasts less and less! And today, I lived a day in the Now, so powerful, and so healing too!!
We are here, in that so great place, where we meet and met so great people, so much in the heart... a learning of every moment, with more and more openeness to not knowing anything, and more humility... that feels really good!! It seems as if Belgium has a lot of healing for us, or certainly for me!! and I am sure it's not the end yet....
With Love
Armelle
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)