Ego Games and dismantling ... peace and humility!

After my very deep meditation and contemplation of what I called "emptiness"....

A thought came, I opened my eyes. I'm back here. And yet it seems so far, so good. And immediately, the thoughts begin coming again ... I will now call Erik. The feeling of being pressed to do so, the impatience of danger, of passing time, time is running and maybe tonight he will not be there, so I do it now. Again urgency, after this moment of pure silence. I do not want to and at the same time, I feel driven by fear of the future. If I don’t do it now and he leaves, I’ll regret not having done so. I have completely left the moment ...

After an hour of discussion, we hung up. The end was really weird and even several times during the conversation seemed weird to me. Was I looking for something to say, just to be with him? I talked all the time. I seemed to always have something to say. I had no desire to control it and at the same time, I’m so aware now of how I was able to do it ... I was afraid and I felt I wanted to know what he was doing, when, like a police inspector. When I hung up, I felt super bad.

Bonnie and Geoff returned. I feel uncomfortable. I wanted to join them, but I felt they were in their stuff. I watched from afar what they were doing, waiting for the moment go to them. In speaking to Bonnie, I feel something blocking. I told myself I'm not completely open, I'm probably closed. Yeah, I'm here because I want to be with them, to be part of life here, like this, because I suddenly decided to, because I feel like I'm pretty cut off from what was happening here, because I feel abandoned because I have not received the attention that I was looking for through other things and again I feel this emptiness, this malaise.

I feel that all that has brought up a lot. All these "absences" created around me help me to see what is there ... I do not know what really, but I'm super sad, lost too. I go to my room, I want to share my feelings with Erik and I feel I have a lot of shame to see so clearly how I was, I acted, the underlying motivations.

I begin to write him. We begin to chat. He suggests we speak, but I weep bitter tears, and no, I do not feel it. I want to share with him but not to speak. I therefore continue to write everything I feel, and for the most part, I can not really express what I am experiencing. I feel especially sad and lost. It is as if everything I have told myself flew off, went up in smoke, as if the concept of Armelle disappeared. I feel like a letting go of my personality, so much has been exposed, revealed, unmasked ... And all this, so quickly. I feel this state of "I do not know, I know nothing." Everything seems so confused ... I would therefore agree with everything, and I feel quite humbled by making myself naked, by not guarding anything ...

I see anger coming up when Erik tells me that I am loved, that God takes me in his arms, when I told him that, right now, I would like to be in his. I take it as denial of what is here. We start talking about it, which leads nowhere, because I feel he wants to stay with what he thinks and I want to show him that he denies what it is to be spiritual. I finished by telling him to drop it. I don’t want to argue or even try to be right. I see clearly what I mean, and what it brings to me, and it’s the principal. And I really think I understood something fundamental with the fact of wanting to be spiritual, to see how this spiritual ego functions, how it denies, uses the Course, illusions, metaphysics, spirituality.

I'm going to dinner. I'm not hungry, but I feel like being there. I feel my mind unable to think, as if it’s going to explode or implode. I stay in that. Which has besides, a very nice side, such lightness ... I am there, right there, present. Nothing else. And in that moment I experienced wild laughter, so innocent. This was not a normal laugh, it was different.

I chat with Erik again after dinner to pick up where we left off, but that does not lead further. I always feel the urge to speak, and at the same time, I have nothing to say. I look at this ... how it plays out! for this afternoon, so I wanted to talk to him, and at the same time, not, that I had the impression of telling him my doubts and questions and of making myself little just in order to talk, so he would pay attention to me. And then I felt bad because I diminished myself to be in contact with him, whereas now I feel good. I feel like something is pushing me to call him. So every time I go back to the past to have something to talk about with him ... And in the moment, it’s as if it is stronger than anything I’m aware of. And this time I do not feel it. I don’t want to feed it again.

I go watch "The Peaceful Warrior," the story of Dan Millman. I feel from the outset that it will be very hard for me. The gym, competition, the story of my life. The pride, the belief that I know, and I know even better than the others, this feeling of superiority and the spiritual ego from the path I am following, then this feeling of unworthiness, fear of failure, the need to beat myself not to fall off the top of the podium, on which I seemed to be my whole life. And from where the fear of emptiness comes...

I go back to the last competition in which I participated and completely messed up, because I went to train at another club, better, at a higher level for a week, and I did not tell my coach, who apparently had learned, but never said anything, any more than I, but who no longer bothered with me. And I prepared alone for this competition in which I competed in a higher division because I had won all the other championships. And then I screwed up everything, I failed. I was so angry and so ashamed. I stopped everything, without ever talking to him. And watching this film, I told myself that there is a lesson here for me, that I haven’t seen yet, received. And then I see where this sense of betrayal comes, that I felt many times vis-à-vis David, and how this feeling, finally, protects me from doing the same thing I did at that time. Wanting more, to go faster, be better, betting on another teacher who will bring me what I did not find in the current one. One teacher or another, always looking for more, wanting more. Believing that he is the reason I'm where I am. It's the same thing I saw that afternoon with Erik in Mallorca, it brings me back to that. Believing that everything would better if it was different and that it’s the outside that makes my inner condition.

I could also stop wanting to be the strongest, the best and the first, stop competition. Drop the concept of Armelle angry at everything, because outside it’s war and you must win and fight and be aggressive. Drop the idea of wanting to experience danger, of playing I'm not afraid of anything and want to be braver than the bravest, still to exist, through another concept.

And finally see how much I fear being in the present moment, how I am in the past or the future giving reason to my fears and my doubts, but never experiencing what is now and trusting that by reaching a future goal, I will be happy, happier, and I will no longer feel all these unpleasant emotions that I now feel. Avoidance. Always believing that everything is in the future, even by trying to achieve enlightenment, it’s in the future ... a nice way to not be present Now, to not believe it's already here now ... Not wanting to feel what is here now, judging that it should not be there ... being in denial ...

I also see the humility of "I do not know, I know nothing" and how in life, things are so simple. And also how I wanted to exist through all my accomplishments these last times, and now, it's time I'm quiet, and in the interior presence, instead of wanting to turn everything to the exterior ... and expect in return ...

I feel I have just integrated everything I read, listened to, had as insight these last days, here now, watching this movie. Just being in this moment, clearing my mind of everything that could be in the way and being here right now. There is no future goal, no feat to accomplish. Just living each moment as if it were always the first. And I also felt that everything that happens is to teach us. Each thing brings us a little farther, to make us understand things and be in the presence, in consciousness. Letting go to detach, changing to leave all these attachments, locking, to which I cling again and again.

And as Socrates said "When you love doing something, do it." It is as if these last months had been there just to make me understand that everything was already here, and there was nothing to search for, and here I can now come back to all this, what I love, and with a completely different consciousness of what Is, in the presence ... doing without doing, and letting it be done through me ...

I am fully aware of the words from Walter and Don when they accompanied me down into this deep malaise, this heaviness, this suffocation that I attach to the fact of no being with Erik and everything more that brought up. These words coming from questioning my malaise, had been "accept being here, accept being on earth. And stop running, let go ..." Suddenly they made sense ... yes, it's been years that I did not want to be there, anywhere, maybe even my whole life, I spent so many years writing stories to not be where I was, dealing with what I lived, then I ran, again and again to exhaust myself, in all areas of my life, to fill up or not to feel, most often putting happiness in the future, in achieving this or that, otherwise I would not be fully happy, then I put the brakes on too, so I continued to search ... And then there was always something lacking. The motto of the ego "seek and do not find..."

And here again, on this path, I feel the same search for a future goal, one more race to achieve something, and this path as each of those I have taken brings me a lot ... but now I'm exhausted, it is enough. I just want to be here, to stop and look ... because there is nothing to find, we are all already Everything .. It is therefore still another ego game to keep us busy and not see what Is already here ...

I'm in a state of "I do not know, I don’t know any more, nothing ... I do not want to talk, want to say anything, just want to stay here in silence, where everything is ... I feel so at peace and in deep humility.

I feel so grateful, for everything...

Armelle

Translated by Andy...

And if there were no emptiness

Yesterday morning, I continued to question my beliefs in relation to the special relationship, feeling very concerned by what is happening in me these days and my relationship with Erik. So I wrote the concept of Armelle, two pages on what I feel that Armelle is, masks and all...

How powerful it is to see it all in black and white, to read it. I realize that really it is not a question of love, because even behind the masks of love, gentleness, kindness or attention, there is always something hidden, a personal interest. So I say to myself... "Why would I keep it all” Why should I be afraid to let go of this personality, this identity, where nothing is love, it's horrible, just horrible! There is nothing of value in it... " I really feel that this allows me a detachment from the personality.At the same time, I identify a bit with all this too, and I feel so sad. Sad to have played it all, sad to think I'm that. For a while I let myself be taken by my history...

Geoff and Bonnie have been gone since early this morning and I haven’t even spoken with them, I know nothing of their plans, but they don’t seem to be coming back ... I then question the fact that I spend almost all my time in my room reading, meditating, doing my daily lesson, participating in the Mind Training Program and watching and listening to videos or recordings. I feel like "maybe I should spend more time with them ... maybe it is something that I did not pick up here ..." In this moment I feel a great emptiness, no one with whom to communicate, just me and my questions. I even feel abandoned, not knowing when they will return. I stay with that ... I let it be and watch what happens, how I feel. There is a sense of urgency in me ... urgency to fill up, to do something, maybe to eat, to talk to Erik ...

I listen again to a discussion on the healed relationship, the holy relationship. Then I write all my thoughts pertaining to the end of the special relationship, everything that brings up in me, everything that blocks ... waw, great!

After that, I feel bad. The last thought is "I am afraid to die ...", the special relationship seems then to keep me alive ... "I", "me", probably yes ...

I feel really in the emotions that have come up in the face of all these questions. Then I observe myself act ... I'm going to prepare myself dinner, and almost gulp my dinner. Then I have a grievance for having eaten so quickly, I know it's because I do not support the emotions that are there, that I try to hide, or fill up. I hold it against myself seeing myself fill that void that I don’t want to feel, not look at, into which I will not go, that makes me so afraid. I regret that I did not want to face it, to watch the emotions that were present without judging them, to simply not be able to stay with it and to want to do something to not feel ... I listen to yet another discussion on holy relationship, this time it's in Mallorca ... I do not like how I feel, I can’t stand this excessive attachment to Erik, the special relationship. I realize that every time I watch a video from Mallorca, I am sad ... Which I associate with these times of deep darkness of the last two weeks, and everything in which I was. I hold it against myself, to not have gotten out of it more quickly, not having been able to benefit from it, for staying there. I tell myself it was a great opportunity to watch my thoughts and beliefs in relation to these moments ... I go there ...

I see that Erik is on Skype, I want to call him, but at the same time, no. It's like I want to call to be reassured that he there is ... I'm tired of it, it's time I looked at that fear of emptiness, of lack ... I can’t continue like this. I tell the Holy Spirit that I do not like how I feel and that I would like to see things differently ...

I'm on Facebook, I watch the videos that David has on his page. I see one of Jim Carrey, I watch and it gives me a clue ... I then found myself watching more videos of Eckhart Tolle. Just his voice and the rhythm of his words carry me into meditation. The urgency inside that was making me look, move, do, fades ... I let myself go deeper and deeper. I let myself be guided. For what I feel to be the last I look on, I tell myself I'm ready to go see this emptiness, to see what lurks there ... I feel that any fear or risk has disappeared, vanished.

I feel myself descending deeper and deeper into my mind. And I realize that there, where I was afraid to meet the void, where I felt a void, or what I thought was a void, with my idea I had a void, that I had built, which I thought was going to reveal dark and hard things, I feel a completeness, a fullness, so warm and reassuring.

I let myself go in and I feel that everything disappears and I enter something timeless, no image, no name. "I" am no longer there. My mind is expanding and I am, simply, in this moment, where nothing exists, nothing, and it seems to last and last ... and I would say that for all this time, there was no “me” at all. There was just that.

Armelle...

Reward of the mind training

I just had spoken during for one hour with Erik, it was wonderful. We had discussed about the fact he has some fears about not finishing his taxes on time, for Monday, to come and join me here in Costa Rica, and about his feelings every time he has to take care of that. I told it was the perfect opportunity to watch his thoughts and beliefs that are in the way for doing it joyfully, and we came to the authority problem. Wonderful! Later, at the end of the conversation, he talked about his projects for the next days, and I started to feel some emotions coming up. I was strongly feeling rejected of all those events. I could see how the fact of having taking this plane and having gone to the States without being assured that I could come in during the immigration process, had a cost that I was paying. It was the first thought. And then, that it was making me working a lot on my beliefs. I heard the HS telling me that the rejection doesn't exist. Then I didn't want to talk for I could see the temptation to blame Erik, and shared it with him, because he had told me he had some fears of not having time to finish his taxes this week, and he had planned a lot of other things to do... and he was telling me that now, at the end of the convesation, when we were ready to hang up. I stayed silent for a while, letting be what was there, not knowing what it was reflecting for me. I felt there was a consciousness of what was, but it wasn't really clear, yet. Finally, I hung up. That was what I felt the most.

I was preparing my lunch, and suddenly, I saw everything so clearly. And i felt I was guided to share with Erik the ego game I was seeing, or the HS was showing me, for I wasn't really aware at first. So I wrote him, very clearly all what was coming. I was feeling it wasn't coming from me, and still I wanted to stay carefull, taking the full responsibility of my sharing and that I was completely open to be wrong, being still a bit attached to the fact that I was the one seemingly having emotions coming up. But I still did it, I was feeling so strongly I was pushed to do it. And I told everything, and I was feeling so much at peace, even joyful, very light.

I still questionned all that afterwards, because I was thinking I wasn't really objective to say all that, as I had felt that strong emotion with his sharing. So I went in my room, lay down on the bed, and listened to a part of a David's talk. And one moment, everything just came to me, like that. No, I didn't have any anger. No, I wasn't feeling any fear of beinf rejected, not being loved, or whatever, no fear. And no, I didn't have any doubt about what I had shared, nor on the fact that I was guided to do so.

Nothing, nothing of all that. I was so joyful, so happy. I've done it, yeah. I could do it. I could speak up, without any doubt, without judging me, without any guilt... All those strong emotions of those last days, of those last weeks for that, to finally feeling free to speak up, to follow my guidance, and being simply true to myself... It's happiness. I am so happy. I feel it's burning in me...

I feel writing also my experience with the fear of this morning.

A huge step has been taken, a giant step!
I don't have any fear, for now, I don't have any. I don't have any anymore;
I just See...

I love you so much dear Brother... this path is so wonderful
Armelle

It's not what I believed

This morning I felt some fear coming up, and immediately, I got the image of the vision I had last week, when Erik was bringing me to the airport.

We were on a big avenue with houses or apartments on each side. We were stopped at the red light, and a guy was crossing the street. In that moment, it was like if the image was fixed, as if everything had stopped. And then I got a vision-intuition (hard to describe with words), as a huge, giant universal consciousness field, where are all the thoughts. And depending on where we are, what we do, we grasp some thoughts from this field.

But there were no people, there is just like robots which are functioning, and when they grasp on a thought, they believe that it's theirs, and so they start to live, to go, to react to it. And actually it's the fact of having thoughts, to which they are identifying that make them exist. (and the vision stopped there. And I felt how much the HS was using that vision to teach me the Truth about who I am.

And as I was writing just that, my fingers started to type so fast on the keyboard, and here is what came from that...)

For without that, (without the fact that the robots identify with those thoughts that come from the field) there would just be NOTHING, emptiness, a universal field of consciousness, made of thoughts, without anything to receive it, and so without any purpose to that. And so, as there wouldn't be anybody to receive it, or even to know that there is this field, the field would have no existence at all.

Because it's like the story of the tree that falls in the forest; if there is nobody to hear it, it doesn't make any noise! And here, if there is nobody to take the thoughts, if there is just nothing, then the existence of the field in itself has to be questioned, for may be, it simply doesn't exist...

And all that is actually a wonderful metaphor of the ego and about how by identifying ourselves with those thoughts, we believe we are human.. and that that's how things are...

And actually, really, nothing exists. And there would be no story, no time, no space if we didn't choose to grasp those passing thoughts, and also make it a story... to go on proving again and again that we are existing. But it's not true! These are just thoughts that give us the illusion of existing! There is no existence at all... waw it's huge, and my fingers go on to type on the keyboard to let all that coming up... huge!!

So I just had that vision, as I was looking at the fear, having already said to myself that this fear is not who I am. And this has come to reinforce the fact that truly, I am not this fear, and that I am not that story and so that this fear can be, it can't touch me, nor move me. It's there, and that's all!

And even more, I don't know really what fear is. I believe I know because I am telling myself a story about that, that I have been told, and then that I told to myself, by associating other stories that were showing me again and again what it is. They were stories who were justifying what I believed about fear. But may be I am wrong. May be that fear is not that... and what would it be if it wasn't that?

I could then see fear as fear. A word, without story! For fear, with all the stories I think believing about it, finally what is it? A means to tell me again and again that I am right to believe in all that, and that I exist. For if there weren't all those stories about fear, then I could see just fear. And it would just be a thought, that passes, and there would just be a robot. And so « I » wouldn't exist. So why do I still want to tell myself all those stories about fear? Just to go on believing to all those stories, because it has been years and years that I have been believing to all those stories. And it's them, and them alone, nourished by the thoughts coming from the universal field of consciousness, that make that there is a « I » that exists.

So I say thank you to the fear. Thanks to you, I can see all that! And it's really huge. I say thank you, for today, I can see you for what you also truly are, just fear.

With so much love

Armelle

Come and See

This morning, after having translated the post I wrote about "questionning the beliefs in the special relationship", our friend Andy wrote me, for he had read this in David Hoffmeister's book, and thought about my post,and so he shared it with me, and I feel sharing it here too....

"Teaching and learning true forgiveness is being aware that one is never upset by anything but erroneous thoughts, and that those erroneous thoughts can be released. True forgiveness is the release of all hurts, grievances and grudges that block the awareness of the Divine Love that is God-given and exists in everyone and everything. True forgiveness is releasing all anger, hatred, guilt and fear by seeing that they came from an error, a mistaken belief, in forgetting the Love of God. Living and extending inner peace is the natural result of true forgiveness, for when error has been laid aside and a healing Correction accepted in its place, peace prevails. To extend peace, one must be peaceful. To teach peace, one must learn it for oneself. No one can offer a gift they do not already possess. Likewise, peace of mind cannot be found outside one’s own mind, for it depends not on the world. Peace comes from God and is a natural extension of God. Therefore prayer and meditation are advocated as means to inner peace and harmony. Religion is the experience of inner peace. Education, which is the unlearning of falsity, is but a means of coming to the experience of inner peace.

We were brought together by God to serve the Plan of Awakening, to treat each other with dignity, respect, kindness, and holiness, and to Awaken to our Divine Love. We approach our Purpose for coming together with great reverence and devotion. It is the core of our Life in God. Our relationship is our Relationship with everything and everyone, for we live and love as God lives and loves, unconditionally, all-inclusively, and free of specialness. There is no jealousy or exclusion in Love. We join with all in experiencing the all-inclusiveness of the family of God, where no brother or sister is seen as separate or apart from the Whole of God. Our hearts are filled with Love and gratitude for our Relationship in God. We are glad that this joy is not dependent on where bodies seem to be or whether or not they seem to be together. We are created by a Pure Idea, and we are like our Source. We are Spirit as God is Spirit, and we are overflowing with thankfulness that this truth is dawning as the Mind we share. Our walk together is for the Purpose of accepting our Divine Source and laying aside all thought of the world as the source of anything."

David Hoffmeister, Awakening through A Course in Miracles, "Come and See."

Eternal Love
Armelle

Game with consciousness (add to previous post)

I had just taken a shower when I felt a strong desire to call Erik, but I had no real reason, so I did not want to do it, because I was imagining not get news from him, that he did not care. Then I started to feel sad, thinking about what I had written above about how I see the ego functioning. And I wanted to share it with him, but at the same time, I was embarrassed because it concerns him and that I seem to have a very big attachment to "him" and it bothers me. And, as he told me, it is actually my personality that has an attachment to anything else, and I seem to be wanting it existing still. So I planned to talk with Suzanne. Then I asked Holy Spirit to show me clearly what to do... and Erik called me, it was magic.

I told him about all this and during our conversation, I realized that in fact the ego is very vicious, here also, because I was certainly guided to contact him and I started to feel embarrassed because I had nothing special to share and that obviously I should have something to tell him in order to call. And that's how the ego works, I have guidance and then a thought "Oh that must be ego" comes, and it is precisely the ego. For, once thinking occurred, I was back into the Armelle story.
Then I began to feel sad over all that I was clearly discovering about my special relationship with him, so I wanted to tell him, but I felt bad speaking personally about it to him, then it was like I became sad because I do not have a good reason to talk to him, but I feel joining with him, and by playing this game he would pay attention to me or take care of me! But actually I'm doing really well, everything is going perfectly!!
Our sharings are becoming richer and deeper and it's wonderful to see how both of us are coming together to go still further and feel how love burns even in the silences...

And obviously, that's what the ego wants to avoid; it doesn’t want there to be intimacy, truth, too much contact, or honesty, because in the real encounter with my brother, it disappears little by little, because it is its "death" that’s occurring, or at least its absence, reflecting that it doesn’t exist.

So I expose again and again, all these thoughts that are it, but not who I am, because I want to really know my Self and recognize that ultimately it never existed and all that is a big game... which I continue to play with consciousness...

I love you so much all my Brothers in the heart of Christ, that We are...
Armelle

Questioning beliefs in the special relationship

Today I felt inspired to go a little further into my beliefs and emotions related to the special relationship. So I dove into the section on the holy relationship and mind training, and here are the questions, quite useful, in my opinion, that I found. It brought me a lot of clarity about the relationships we have in general in this world...

How do I feel about letting go and what do I think love is?

Frightened, alone, empty. It is as if what I think love is keeps me alive, feeds me, fills me. Without it I don’t exist. I can clearly see that my definition of love maintains the identity of the character Armelle. I thought that love was romance, abetting, truth, sharing, freedom to be, but it's as if all that is only a facade and that behind these beautiful words is all that one really does with it...

Love is suffering, loss, reciprocity, compromise, eating, devouring, killing. I feed myself on the other. I have seen recently that if the other is happy, I somehow want to kill him. I project all kinds of emotions or images on him, to deprive him of happiness, because if he has it, I don’t! I must kill my brothers, to take what I see they have, because if it is in them, it is not in me. Love is an act of ongoing cannibalism, where I must be stronger to win happiness, to survive. If I feel deprived of something or lacking, it must be because of the other. Because if I feel a lack, I don’t have it. And if I don’t have it, it is the other who has it. He is therefore necessarily guilty. I feed on the other to fill my emptiness, who in turn will feed on me; it's a game of constant attack and defense. Because when I've had enough of being "eaten," I will defend myself to stop it, then I will protect myself, and attack even more. A game of alternating victim and executioner.

It is very helpful to see this, because it has nothing to do with love...

How do I feel in a relationship where I am not special?

I feel I don’t exist. For the specialness makes me believe that I exist. I exist as a separate person, what I have experienced until now; and therefore I feel frightened and sad to not be special, also not loved and unworthy. Yes, really worthless, because I think that I'm built on the fact that love must be earned; it isn’t something natural, which simply is. And since love means to be special, if I am not special, I am not loved. So what I am doing is not enough, as I identify with what I do, that means that I am not enough, that I really have no value, I'm not even capable of being loved, I am really less than nothing. This is my death... the death of my character, as I see it. Because all this is only a construction, based on beliefs and a past that proves and justifies the beliefs.

How do I feel in a relationship where I am loved in the same way as everyone else?

I feel that it is not true and that people are hypocritical at times. I want to show that I exist, I want to make a difference, I feel like I'm dying, don’t exist. I want to do everything to attract attention, regardless of how. I want to be the most loved. It is as if there was a challenge to win. I then create a competition and I experience jealousy, envy. I suffer from not being recognized, from feeling I have no value, and again, I feel really unworthy of being loved, nothing.

What does this mean?

I want to maintain special relations to maintain my character, the Armelle identity intact, still connected with the story that has been told for years.

But I notice that the special relationship prevents my realization of the vastness of Oneness, of All, it’s the major block. At the same moment I ask myself: Who is the “I” who wants to maintain special relationships in order to exist, to not feel empty, to not feel unworthy? It is the character! And what is the character? In fact, it’s the universal ego mind, which ultimately does not exist. So it’s something that doesn’t exist, trying to maintain something that doesn’t exist, to have the impression of, the illusion of, existing. And the character in itself doesn’t exist, yet in fact, is part of everything.

There is no longer a "doer", or one who does, who speaks, who seems to be, is no longer important. Whatever the form, words, deeds, body, everything happens beyond that. There is only one experience of being, in the moment, unaware of an identity or of a character who plays, but just being, there, here, with what is present, in the moment, without any past or future, in a single moment that exists only now, will never be again, and has never been. A blank page is written and fades gradually as it fills. When I write the second letter of the word, the first vanishes because the first letter is already past, and therefore no longer exists. The consciousness of being where Everything Is, without separation, all making part of the Whole, and the whole is not complete without the parts, which are transcended in the Whole. Nothing to reject, everything to include.

With Love in the sharing of the Truth, that we are

Armelle

Big Lesson in True Forgiveness and Undoing Beliefs

Saturday, February 20

I woke up super early, not wanting to miss the bus again. It felt right for me to leave today. I had guidance that Erik getting his ticket for here next Monday, March 1^st, and also to tell Don that he had a very special assignment for his mind training, which was the conference and that it should really be his priority. So I shared it with him.

I left again. At 6:10 I told Nubia it was time to go, but she said no, we still had 10 minutes. I felt it was time to go, but I followed her. She wanted us all pray together for me before I left. Which we did.

When we were in the alley leading to the road where the bus stops, I saw one pass. She said no, it wasn’t that one, but I felt it was. She waited with me until 7:20 and no other bus went by! I blamed myself for not having listened again, and having missed it again. She said that the next one was at 9:00 and that I would have to transfer. Since they are never on time here, I decided to wait there on the road, to be sure not to miss this time. I must confess that I was pretty upset. So I forgave and released all this to the Holy Spirit and then I read again my day's lesson, review the first five, then I meditated on "I am sustained by the love of God."

As Nubia told me that many people were going to go to Quepos, where I should take another bus, maybe someone will stop to pick me up. I decided not to hitchhike at all and simply wait for the bus. Then I prayed, telling the Holy Spirit that if there was one person that was good for me, and for the person I meet, the car only had to stop there, without me doing anything. And there were two in 2 minutes. I didn’t go see the first and the second guy went to Quepos! Ok, so I said it was sent, all confident, I climbed in.

At one point the guy started to go super fast. So I started thinking, “I love you my Brother, you're perfect as you are. I am you and you are me,” then he fussed with his shoe and braked suddenly putting the car on the side of the road and aimed a strike at me, snatching my hand bag and told me "Now, go." it was really crazy. I had the impression of being in a movie; I wondered what was going on, it was like watching a scene. Then I got scared. And I didn’t move, I stayed there and I started to say "I love you my brother, you're perfect as you are."

In my bag, there was my Course and it's really the only thing I wanted and he could take everything but my course or my passport. So I told him "Wait, my book, I want my book" and I reached out my hand to open my bag and take it, I kept repeating and I felt a deep calm underneath and a little fear to the surface. I absolutely did not understand what happened. I took my bag; he let me do it. I asked him what he wanted; he told me the money. I then opened my bag and went into the pocket, taking care to leave enough for me to catch my bus and live the next week and give him enough so he would be calm and not insist. I kept repeated the same words. When I gave him money, he said " Now go. " I wanted to open the seat to take my backpack from the backseat, he said "no, go," and I said "These are my clothes, I need my clothes,” I got back in the car to not to let him go and only got out once I had my backpack in my hands. I then shut the door and he left.

During all this, it was as if time stopped, I felt he was waiting quietly for me to give him the money, doing nothing, no threats, letting me do it, and what's crazy is that once I started to repeat that phrase, I hardly saw him and his knife. It was not me, a force beyond anything that I could be took control of the situation, for sure. It was spirit. It really was as if I was watching what was happening and yet in acting, but with a detachment such that I wasn’t fearful, I felt it was there, I saw it on the surface, even heard my voice tremble a little for a moment, but that's all! I don’t know what happened, but it was hyper powerful! Once gone, I found myself on the sidewalk far from the bus stop, a little lost, wondering what had just happened. I think I understood nothing... There I am on the sidewalk with my backpack on my back and the other around my neck. I have everything, and I'm here! Not knowing what to do, I walked in the opposite direction to return to the bus stop or Nubia’s for a moment before taking another bus to find Louis.

I felt the ego getting ready to strike and strike hard. Thoughts like, "because you did that, because you wanted to decide for yourself, because you did not listen, because you followed the ego.." and immediately I said "STOP. NO, you won’t get me! That is exactly what the ego wants me to think, that I was guilty, there I did something wrong and therefore I was punished! But no, there's no question, I will not fall into his trap. Guilt does not exist, unless I want to believe it, so there isn’t any! And then I stayed with the Holy Spirit, to contemplate it all. I was so confident that this situation was given to me as I had asked. My brother needed help, he thought he needed money, and I was practicing I was sustained by the love of God; so it was part of my learning. I helped him by giving him money, it's almost as if I asked him what I could do for him. In any case, even if on the surface, I felt a little lost, I felt above all really happy to have Given, to have helped my brother as The Holy Spirit wanted. I also practiced forgiveness because I felt fear still present.

I met Don and Walter arrived on the road, I told them the story. And I said that in any case I would take this bus, I felt I had to leave today and that wasn’t going to stop me. I had already missed the morning one because I had not listened, so this time I listened. Don shared with me what he felt and that I wanted at any price to go there, but everything seemed to go in the direction that I stay and that's what he felt. I told him that I felt I wasn’t there for sightseeing and I going left and right, but to serve and that I felt that I must go now. So I took the bus. I read "The Song of the Prayer” and was practicing forgiveness at the same time to remove any traces of fear still there. But I felt the fear was still present. I then told myself it had nothing to do with what had happened or anything else. The fear is only there if I choose the ego, so I must not be on the right track, maybe Don was right. So I got off the bus, crossed the road, and headed in the other direction. I went to join them at the restaurant bar near the beach where there was Internet. After talking with Don, he contacted Louis to tell him what I felt and that I was not coming to join him at the sanctuary, but rather on the 25^th when he comes back from his friends house. Everything was perfect.

I then looked at my emails and saw that Bonnie had said she was waiting with great pleasure for me today. So I contacted her by Skype, and everything was put in place super easily, naturally. Even though Don told me that I was probably avoiding experiencing something that I was supposed to experience there. But I felt that my guidance was to leave, and the invitation from Bonnie was strong, intending to pick me up at the bus station, and quite aware that I had almost no money for the moment. She also told me she would introduce me to her network and that there were upcoming events.. perfect!

I felt that I was a bit afraid to go to Quepos, afraid to meet that guy, and it fell out super well; the bus going to San Jose went on another road, an hour and a half later.

I went half an hour early to stop this time! And despite everything I missed it. It was not until 1:30 that I asked people if they were going to San Isidro and they told me that the bus had already left long ago. Then I stayed, I felt that another bus would pass and anyway I had nothing else to do! And at 2:00 a direct bus to San Jose passing through Quepos arrived! Great, even better, because it allowed me to forgive fear also, marvelous.

Throughout the trip I watched my thoughts, my fears, and my beliefs. I read several whole chapters of the Course. I wrote everything that came to me. I did a forgiveness process with that Brother where I really felt strong love, it was full of light. Afterwards I noticed I had transferred his guilt onto all the Costa Rican men getting on this bus, because then I felt fear. I was afraid they'd steal or be aggressive or want to rape me... So I looked very closely at all these beliefs and I got the fact that I'm afraid of men, that I think you can’t trust them, that they only think about sex, and that they’re dangerous. Despite everything the fear remained. I then saw all the anger I had against men too. And necessarily how I identified myself with being a woman.

It was wonderful. Because I was sitting frightened almost all the way because men were sitting beside me; I turned my head and watched my neighbor. He also looked at me and smiled, and I felt my heart open again. I was not scared.

Bonnie was waiting at the bus exit, just playful. We went to eat pizza with Geoff, who lives with her too. She asked me what had happened these days. So I told her and she said "Well that’s it, you are really living the Course" and then all the judgments on me over this event and how I tried to provoke God fell away! Everything cleared up ...

Bonnie told me about a German couple traveling and living in Divine Providence who were come to share their teachings on the 2^nd and 3^rd of March and that I could stay where they staying as well. I then felt, mmmh that's perhaps why I received the guidance that Erik takes his flight on March 1^st. A beautiful meeting in perspective ... we'll see!

February 21

With everything that has happened in recent days and especially yesterday, today I read in the Course, I think, that the ego does not exist. A wonderful reminder for me, as I feel called to go towards that. There is no ego and therefore not even a choice to make... guidance is guidance... I chose to experience either love or a cry for love. Either I extend the Gifts of God, or I forgive, and it simplifies the process even more... Guilt is not the point! And I come to the book by David I translate "Purpose is the Only Choice,” there is no choice to make, because the ego does not exist! And hop guilt out the window, hop!

And I realize in rereading what I wrote yesterday, how I analyzed everything I experienced. And I realize that this is no longer useful, I can only continue to question my beliefs and bring the ego’s trick to light and recognize that it doesn’t exist, that all that doesn’t exist! Waw, what a giant step. It’s crazy!

Today I stayed at home, at the top of the hill with a wonderful view over the city, resting, writing. A small jump in the pool to cool off a little siesta. I felt very strong guidance to rest this morning and give my Paltalk as expected. Bonnie, Geoff and Leslie, who live in this big house all left with other friends to a great picnic in a beautiful place apparently, but I do not feel called there, although I would have been glad to meet all those beautiful people. Bonnie encouraged me to follow what I feel, remembering me that everything is in Divine Order and therefore already orchestrated for us! Yeah...

So again, Holy Spirit, decide for God for me... and I blessed all my Brothers for all those forgiveness opportunities! Anyway, we always meet ourself, isn't it? There is nobody outside...

Love

Armelle

Translation made by Andy, thanks so much....

Getting rid of special relationships, unworthiness and ego traps

February 18

I feel so sad. It's really very deep. I am so afraid that Erik and I are separated forever. I feel so lost without him. I read his email this morning saying he’s going to a 5-day conference on sound, and I feel super bad. I think he's happier without me, that his life is more beautiful and happier without me. So what is happening now was orchestrated to keep us apart from one another and eventually separate us completely. I feel he will meet someone who is so much better than me and he will leave with her, thinking he will go further, faster and easier without me.

I'm really afraid of never seeing him again, that nothing is the same, he no longer loves me, he does not want me anymore, he met someone else so much better and he’s going to tell me he left me, or even just that he had an affair and that would give me the impression that I really did not matter to him, as soon as the opportunity for something else presents itself, he jumps on it because I am certainly not irreplaceable and he is even better without me, who causes so many problems, dramas, who has so many emotions and is unable to live fully, to be really happy and enjoy life ...

All that seems so real... I realize that all these thoughts come from the ego, and I judge myself as not being able to be happy and enjoy what is given to me here. But I don’t care where I am, how beautiful it is, it just doesn’t happen for me, it seems so difficult for me. To not be with Erik and even more to know that for him it is paradise, it is hell for me. I’d like to return to Belgium... I would feel so much better if I were in my environment, surrounded by people I know, where I am on familiar ground, not here where everything is unknown at each instant, where I seem to live with no security, where I never know what will happen, whether to stay or to move all the time. I don’t know what to do, where to go. Am I evil because I am the ego rather than the Holy Spirit or as David was saying in the discussion that I just heard... everything is always a problem of interpretation, never because of something happening in the world, on the screen, because that's just what the ego wants me to believe. That my discomfort, unhappiness stems from the fact of what I live, from my choices, from what is there and not there, but none of this is true. I'm so bad because I see the fact of not being with Erik as having left God, to no longer live in joy, to no longer feel safe, to not believe that he can love me because I'm not with him, and to tell me that my departure must also create a void in him, so he will seek to fill it. I feel the worst emotions coming back yet again in this deep sense of unworthiness and thus imagining that another opportunity to meet someone better, more suitable where he is now, while I am not able to get out of these ego games, someone who will let him move faster and be happier.

So I really put his present happiness and everything that happens in his life today, back on the fact that I am no longer there and thus more a burden or a brake on him.

I see myself also as a burden on Don and Walter, I don’t laugh, don’t have fun, don’t feel like doing anything. I am because I do not know what else to do, and that I think I have no other alternative and it's really painful. I don’t seem to get any guidance, and yet my day's lesson is "God’s voice speaks to me all through the day" so I don’t know what to do, I'm lost. And I feel stuck.

I feel really rejected from Erik’s life. He had an appointment with the immigration lawyer and I asked him to keep me updated and ask him some questions for me. And he didn’t even write personally to tell me what was going on with immigration, which speaks for itself. I learned the most from an email sent to Sarah and Thomas. I find it a little crazy, I have the impression of being nothing, of not being in his life, that he doesn’t feel concerned by the fact that it is about me, not even being updated on what the lawyer was very able to say! It's pretty hard for me to be in this position. I don’t understand, but I know that I’m suffering. I know it's because I choose a man rather than God, but I can’t get out of it, everything comes back the same every time I do my forgiveness lessons. I again really want to die... And yet, I would so like to be able to live, but I can’t do it!

I judge myself so for feeling that, I say to myself that's because I'm jealous, that I don’t have reason to be annoyed by how he acts, communicates, or doesn’t communicate. And at the same time, somewhere, in me, I feel that it is Spirit who speaks, and encourages me to communicate more. And again, it seems that this isn’t important to Erik.

I have the impression that he’s living his life tranquilly, without even wondering what's happening to me. I am no longer there, so he lives how he wants to live, without me. And something doesn’t seem fair in that. I judge myself as being dependent on him, and at the same time, I have the impression that what I feel is right, and not coming from the ego, that is really an invitation from Spirit to join us, that we have been invited to be together to undo the habits of the past, undo the masks, and we're together for healing, and not for acting as we did habitually.

Today, he’s spending the day with his father. That's really great, and in the same time I feel he is not thinking about eventually connecting with me, as he told me he wouldn't be much available the next either! It seems that several times when we were talking with David, he said that if we were separated, it was important to communicate every day, and Sarah Thomas did the same thing, and that is what gives me the impression that, quite simply, the link is cut; he lives his life on his side. Whereas it seems to me that this relationship is our priority! And that we have already spoken about this.

I also feel like I’m reliving my separation from Gauthier, my son, his death also... or just after, with Marvin, we had gone to the Seychelles, to his sister’s home, to change our spirits and it was hell for me again. No way to enjoy everything that was around me, no way to have fun, to be happy, it hurt so much to be without him, without my son, I felt so empty and worse than nothing without him.

And what I am reliving here, with Erik. I don’t understand, it has just happened like that ... fear of never seeing him again, of losing him. I have the impression that Spirit is if going to "take" him from me, that I'll never see him again. It's really very hard. It reminds me that I had lived through with Caroline in Paris, where I felt this same fear, not knowing where it could be coming from. I felt it was as if the Spirit will take him away from me! I can't really explain, it just came like that!

We’re always in motion, with our bags. I gave up knowing what we were doing, where we were going, not wanting to control anything and just trust. But this situation troubles me. To still be with my bag, not having a place to put myself, being on this beach and not able to go swimming. I feel stuck, not knowing where I am, imagining from the bus we took, being far from San Jose, and not at all sure that I'm on the right road. I felt that I would rather have stayed there, with Bonnie, a friend of Don that I met and super connected with, or go with Louis to the sanctuary as he had proposed, but as there was only one bed, I did not feel very comfortable. At the same time, I do not feel that what I’m experiencing here is right, it's more like I feel as if I had no choice. So I think about discernment... Am I following man or the Holy Spirit? And I feel that my guidance is to connect with Louis.

I’m cracking, I can’t do any more. I cry again and again. I'm exhausted. I explain what I went through to Don. Who says I must go back to the root of the evil to write a new message. He talked about his experience and that it was written in his mother’s womb that he was not wanted, and that by going back to that point, he was able to change the info. It spoke to me, because I always told I was an accident, so inevitably I did not feel wanted, not at the right place at the right time. And at the same time, I tell myself that the real issue is not there, because it’s never in the world. But I trust. I listen... He said he could do something with his friend, Walter, to help me get back to that moment, if I'm ready to let go! And how I'm ready ... and even willing to do anything the pain is so great.

In the evening we went to one of his friends. It was hard for me because I was not at all in the mood to meet someone, I wanted so much to stay quietly and cry all I had to cry that I was retaining.

It ended in going out anyway because it is too much for me to still keep. Nubia, the friend, did not look very happy. She told me that I must not cry that life is beautiful and God is good. She seems to want to do anything for me to stop, offering me all sorts of things. But no, I'm just super bad and I need to let go. Eventually I went to take a shower, and in the bathroom, she said "no problem in my house, okay?" Ok! What else could I say? I wasn’t at home.

I felt so bad not being allowed to express my emotions, what I was experiencing was so huge I found it hard to contain.

After the shower, I cracked, I could no longer hold back all that was there, ready and asking to come out. I didn’t get there anyway...

Walter and Don were with me to help me express everything I had experienced, what I felt, through one of their techniques. I felt that all that freed me a little. I felt more peaceful.

Exhausted by all these emotions, I went to bed early. The house had one room, so were all there. I had great difficulty falling asleep, I cried again, silently. I remembered all my fears, my thoughts. I'm in the dark. I heard the sounds of animals outside, it was hot, my mind ass so confused that everything was difficult. It is a house without windows, everything is open, there are just mosquito nets, and that we were in nature was the least one could say. All these noises frightened me, I felt like when I was little and I had all these nightmares, I would cry silently under my blankets, I was so scared. And I still had all these fears about Erik and our relationship.

I watched my thoughts and did my forgiveness process non stop. I feel I’m going to have to look at all this, it can’t continue.

At one point, I felt that my fear that he met someone else and had an affair had disappeared. I no longer felt worthless. Nothing to replace it, it was just gone.

Then the fear, irrational I'm well aware, but there at the moment of losing him, that the Holy Spirit “took” him from me, which intensified. I watched everything that happened in my mind. I saw that one fear had disappeared, and that another took its place and even bigger. I continued to forgive. I was not at peace, I couldn’t let go. Then the death of my son, the lack of him, my judgment of the life I lead today. The fact that I'm here, super bad, alone in the middle of nowhere and I do not know how to get out of there, I feel so trapped and so far from everything, and I’m also so scared to make the journey in reverse, because I don’t know it. I continue to forgive, again and again.

I think that took several hours, which seemed so long. To finally find a clear mind, feel love in my heart and close my eyes...



February 19

I got up, fit and happy. I realized that my fears were gone. I had like guidance to contact Bonnie, Don's friend and see if I can go to her house. Indeed, the connection with her was so strong; Erik had also sensed it when I had shared it with him. I spoke to Don and Walter this morning to tell them that I would contact Bonnie and go to San Jose. I didn’t feel I had to stay here. So everything worked out for me to go on the Internet with Nubia in a nearby village. But there was no wi-fi, and no microphone, so no way to make a phone call. I did enjoy being there to read my mail. We waited for Daniel, the son of Nubia who finished school at 10.30.

Erik replied to the email I wrote him yesterday where I briefly mentioned my experience here, and his email again put me in an unbelievable state. I didn’t think he was present, whatever his words, I felt they were empty. I felt so far away and so alone, it was horrible. Again, I plunged into and recontacted my fears. I decided to write him what was really happening for me at that moment, to tell him what I was thinking of doing... join Bonnie and Louis, and possibly return to Belgium too, where I would be surrounded by what I know! I feel that I wanted everything to go wonderfully well for him, while I'm not there because I put it on the fact that I am not there and he is certainly happier without me, and also so I want so much for him to be here and experience it all.

We went to Dominical, another village where we could have the wi-fi and then contact Bonnie. Along the way, I felt I wasn’t there but in my mind. I acknowledged I didn’t like the way I felt and wanted to see things differently. I spoke to Don; asked him how he saw what I was going through. He said he felt that I was at a turning point, and it is there because I am ready now and I can’t change anything. It has to come up and with everything that happened these days, it is there, ready to come out, I just have to decide to release it. Mmm.... interesting. In a moment, without me doing anything else but seeing the situation as it was, I was reminded the conversation with Don and also that it is always a matter of interpretation, and my mind completely shifted, and I am opening up, in my joy. Daniel offered to play with me and I let myself go in innocence and followed him.

When I got on the Internet, Bonnie wasn’t there, so I sent her an email. And Don told me that Louis was there. He thought he didn’t have Internet so I thought I wouldn’t be able to contact him and see with him if I could come where he was. I had the feeling that maybe I should go there. I contacted him and that happened wonderfully. I no longer felt any fear and therefore I felt like following this path and joining him. A bus was leaving in less than an hour. Great, everything was working out. Nubia proposed taking me to the bus stop, and I accepted with pleasure. So I said goodbye to everyone and went joyous and happy. Two buses passed, apparently it wasn’t those. We waited and none was arriving and the time was passed, and she ends by saying that it is not very safe to leave so late because I'd arrive after dark in San Jose and this is not really safe there, especially as I’d still need to take a taxi and then another bus to Puntarenas. Either I decided to listen and not force anything. And then she said "It's not me; it is God that you've heard,” though I hadn’t told her anything. Wonderful! On the way back, we went by another beach where she usually goes with his son. There was nobody there, it was great. I put on my bikini and threw myself into the water, what happiness. The waves were huge and powerful, I went in with confidence and joy, it made me a quite a fool. A good wholesale "cleansing" of everything that had happened. In the evening we began to dance, sing, it was really very cute and I saw what Sarah had told me... don’t connect with the stories because there’s nothing there, everything is in the mind and everything is in me. It was wonderful once again to join with her. I feel so inspired and back on track each time, she is so uncompromising. What I want... (and yet I realize that when I share with Erik, it is more or less the same thing, I dislike him because I’d like him to complain to me or to make real what I lived, recognize that it was difficult, that he join with me in my suffering !)

Daniel spent the whole end of the day with me, playing, showing me his books, telling me stories, half English half Spanish. And he taught me to speak a lot Spanish, he was great, I love him... He is nine and he already speaks English so well, a little French and Jamaican too, crazy! My heart was wide open and I had some very good moments. In the evening I went to bed because my bus was at 6:30. But I felt so much love and light in me that I wasn’t really tired, so I got up and spoke with Nubia, who was so content. She talked to me about her life and her unwavering faith in God and that one day, when she was living in San Jose, she decided to say yes to God, from her heart and to leave everything and everything was offered her... mmmh, thank you...

I also realized with her how much I see rage against men in her, I see her wanting to be so strong, independent, who doesn’t need anyone, very angry against her husband who prefers to be with his friends and I told myself I have to learn, so I listened carefully. I also perceived her great devotion to God and she taught me a lot through her sharing. I learned a lot about me watching my thoughts. I went to bed thanking her for sharing so richly with me. She was so happy that I listened to her because she said no one ever listens to her! Ah HS, you do things so well.



Saturday 20

Once on the bus after all the experiences of the day (listed in the following article "Big Forgiveness Lesson"), I also continued to watch and forgive my beliefs in relation to Erik and to myself. I again felt a bit fearful of losing him, that the Holy Spirit would take him from me. I then wrote and saw how attached it was to my story with my son; I had prayed to God that He not take him, and yet he died. I think since that day I have been angry with God and that's why I defy Him non stop, I want to take back the power. I am so afraid that He’ll take Erik too, so I cling so much more. Because He already did it, he could do it again. He showed me that He is strong and so I want to show Him that I'm stronger and that He won’t win. But all that gets me is to live in fear and other similar emotions, certainly not peace, because I am always fighting.

I also saw what I consider to be a communication problem between me and Erik, that shows itself even more while I'm away. And I looked at what it would be like if there was no problem... If the way we communicated, which I judge not the best, or not doing what I feel it should, given what I was experiencing and given the scale of belief-undoing I was going through, what would happen if it was ok? And so I watched all the beliefs that were hiding underneath and all the ramifications of those beliefs! Wonderful.

I feel better already much better... and yet a profound sadness remained. I note that I judge myself for living all these experiences, so I'm sad.

At one point I looked at all of it, and said to myself "Stop !!!!!!!!! This is enough. I’m done complaining, judging myself, marking myself a victim of everything"

I then made another choice, making new decisions:

The first is that death does not bring me any comfort, no escape from what I seem to live, no resolution to this malaise. And so I choose to delete this alternative from my list when I feel I’m bad, to shut the door to this possibility and to choose Life.

Then I remembered that Caroline told me... the power to say "yes" to one’s fears, so I did. I said yes to my fear of men, yes to my fear of being used as an object, yes to the fear of losing Erik. I looked at what the consequences in my life might be, and I then realized that I had already had this feeling that I would be nothing without my companion, and yet the last time it was a huge boost in my life, and that's that's how I got to where I am now. so I could be without him, everything would be ok, so I said yes to my fear of losing him, my fear that he had an affair with someone else, it will be another opportunity for forgiveness. For if it shows up it will be there because I asked for it, because I called forth this experience in my life.

Then I said yes to Love, yes to Light, yes to God. I recognized that He is not the one I’m trying make Him, and that He is really loving and that I have opened the door of my heart to Him ...

It was wonderful.

Fébruary 22

I realized that there is no one oustide me, there is only one relationship, and it is with God. others are just images that I am making for my healing, for seeing my beliefs, for I've asked my Brothers to play those parts for me, to be able to release it and forgive, and remember Who We Are...
I can see that beyond all those fear with Erik, Erik is just a covert, for it is really the fear in losing my little self in God, in the light that we are. It's like if grasping to the specialness of that relationship is keeping me existing still a bit, as I've always been. for everything that I am reliving is really the past, and I just keep grasping to the past and to what I've told myself all those years. So now, there is a real choice to take......... Do I really want to know that we are One, that we are not separated, or do I still want to keep my little identity, false, an illusion of existence?

I want to be free, and I want to free my Brother... I want to know the Oneness, and see all those ego traps for what they are... nothing, traps, illusions, just to make the stroy going on!!!!

I feel being at that point where I want to remember again and again, that the ego doesn't exist, it's just a decision in the mind, and so that there is no choice (as David says in his book "Purpose is my only choice")... so I choose to live Love or a call for love, and I choose to extend God's gifts or I live a forgiveness lesson... Guilt doesn't exist!!! There is no point in feeling guilty for anything, neither analyzing everything, nor judging me for what I seem to live or not, the form doesn't matter. it's just a tool...

With Love and Gratitude to all my Brothers on this wonderful journey back to Self, to Oneness

I See Us,
Armelle

thanks Andy for translation

Down the rabbit hole

Tuesday 16, waiting at the airport in Mexico City for 16 hours leaves time to meditate, to watch my thoughts...
I remember what Sarah shared with me during our Skype conversation Sunday morning. She told me I'd better watch my deeply-held beliefs because there’s nobody outside me to sustain me. Everything I live through, and these are often major dramas, I am doing to myself! I am constantly sacrificing and punishing myself, otherwise I wouldn’t put myself in that kind of situation. I feel a need to look much more closely at this, to see what lies behind it, deeply enough to reach the root and allow me to cut it, because enough is enough. I don’t want to relive it again and again...
The first thing I think of when I see these dramas, the one at the airport in Paris, in Mallorca, in Montreal with my landlord, with Fred, with Nicolas when I returned to Montreal, with Bertrand, with Pino, with Eric and the car accident with Gaëtan in Paris, the end of my relationship with Marvin, sharing all our affairs, the death of Gauthier, stopping my studies, ceasing to do well in school, my failure in my last gym competition, stopping gym, is the impression that through all this, I've been seeking only one thing... attention, to be loved, to exist.
My feeling of unworthiness is so huge that I really believe I don’t deserve to be loved, which I very often felt in my childhood with my parents. I thought love was conditional and that I had to act how they wanted in order to be loved.
Each time, I can’t stand what I see, I wish it were different. I am struggling. And I think I'm better than everyone, above everyone, and therefore that nothing can happen to me. A completely opposite feeling, a story of hiding this profound unworthiness which I wasn’t at all aware of! I think I know, how, for myself, little Armelle person, even if I hear or sense guidance, which is not going in the same direction that I’m going, I still, sometimes rush and go even faster, and take on the wall... I want to be right so much.
I am so afraid of God because I really think I stole his power. "I" feel so powerful, perhaps even more than him and I often prove it to him, showing him that it is my will that wins and not his, even if I have to go through the dramas. I show him that he can’t exist or at least that he isn’t loving, because I wouldn’t experience all that if he was.
But in my thought system of separation, I killed him. I so wanted to have power, mine, His, that I killed him with a thought and therefore I do not believe everything I hear because I’m afraid of it, that it would make me return to Him and He must be so angry with me that the punishment would be terrible.
So I can only continue to lead a fight against Him to win, to prove that he doesn’t exist. But he wants me dead! So I think this is my only way to live quietly, to exist. I therefore seek it through all these battles that I lead, like Joan of Arc, instead of looking for it in Love. I hid from Him and continued to play ego games because I know them, because I wanted to exist, but that’s not what I really wanted; it was just what I still believed in. Through all these events, I asked to be punished again and again, because I was afraid to be loved, and the punishment made me feel closer to Him, because I believed He was vengeful and mean. I constantly wanted to prove to Him that he would never make me go through that if he was truly loving. And so I perpetuated my belief that he wasn’t, and therefore I had reason to be afraid of Him and hide behind ego masks.
At the same time, all these stories allowed me to exist, to have an even more special story, to get more attention. It was a way to "shine". I "shone" in the drama, because I was familiar with it, and it was less dangerous than shining. If I really shone, I could die, I thought it was dangerous.
I wanted to sacrifice myself to be faithful to my family, to our belief that life is a slice of shit that you eat a piece of every day. I wanted to sacrifice myself so others could be happy. I was so convinced that my life had no value that I want to give it for those of my Brothers whose lives have value that I put myself in "danger" all the time, giving little weight to life and a lot of weight to death, where I saw deliverance. I wanted to be a "hero" like Jesus was on the cross! That was my belief... Jesus sacrificed himself so we could live, to absolve our sins, to calm the Father’s anger, whose place we have taken. I wanted to punish myself for having sinned so greatly as to have wanted to kill the Father, to have usurped his place, to have taken His power, to have thought that I could create like him, indeed this world is proof. I punished myself for having left him, because that is what I believed. I punished myself for being such a bad Daughter, leaving Him to go live my life!
A giant “waw”! It is parallel to my fear of living my life in this world and feeling like I’m abandoning my parents by doing so, feeling certainly guilty in some way and therefore putting myself in impossible situations which each time make me return to them, at home, where I hide, I repent for everything I‘ve done, for the treason of having "left" them, for desiring to live a life apart from them.
I am actually, in fact, completely wrong.... Waw, I love it!
I try to replay with my family, my parents, the separation from God. Since this alleged separation, in which I still believe, was so painful for me and I imagine that God is angry with me and that he must also suffer greatly from it, I stay attached to my family, wishing to remain faithful at all costs, refusing to separate myself, not wanting to abandon them, not wanting to risk suffering for everything I've known outside of God... so I reproduce it with them, with Erik, with an excessive attachment to these special relationships, to redeem my mistakes that I made to God.
So I act in the world, trying to "re-establish" the error, rather than seeing that the error didn’t happen, didn’t take place, and that it's all a huge trick of the ego to continue to exist. It's just perpetuating the desire to have a separate existence from God. So I allow myself this existence in this world that I created, I am in power. But, as I feel guilty about doing all that, I constantly sacrifice and punish myself in the dream, in this world to prove to myself again and again that I am a bad girl, mother, sister, aunt, godmother, girlfriend, wife, friend.... or even therapist and that all I’m capable of is abandoning others, especially if I love them or they love me!
Because really, I'm so bad, I don’t deserve t anyone’s love. So I provoke dramas to be sure not to receive any, or not too much. I punish myself again. And I'm still more guilty for choosing to separate again. And that's how I perpetuate the vicious circle in which I’m imprisoned, vacillating between being worthlessness and over powerful. All that for a semblance of a separate identity, an illusion of existence.
I have no real existence apart from God. This name, this body, are only "covers," disguises, tools that can be used to serve the purpose of My Father and return Home or that I can choose to give to the ego and let them be misused, while choosing to deny my worthy inheritance and throw all these wonderful presents and gifts from my Father in the trash, choosing to forget Him and make Him less than nothing, less than me, so I can stop feeling so unworthy.
And so I made myself a bothersome nature that it was best to keep hidden, because if anyone knew where I came from, who I was, I might be betrayed and thrown to the pigs, or be stoned or crucified. Therefore I choose to deny my identity, to protect myself from others. That is why it is dangerous to shine. I could be killed. But it’s about nothing. The only fear I have is to really Live, and to know love and light. For death does not make me very afraid, somehow it even draws me, thinking it might be deliverance from all these sufferings and from repenting being a bad daughter.
I give You all these beliefs, Holy Spirit, for they are of no value to me, if not to perpetuate a lie that has already lasted too long, and that again and again keeps me away from remembering my real Being and the love of my Father. I acknowledge, Holy Spirit, that I invented all this and I've played it over and over, and I believed it. It served me so well during that deep sleep.
But now I am gradually waking and coming out of the nightmare in which I was enclosed. I am full of gratitude for everything that has happened, because everything responded to my desire at the time, and everything was perfect. I thank all the players in my production for having played with such perfection these tailor-made roles. I also thank my character for having taken so long without exposing itself, however difficult the tests were. It has continued to get up regardless of the distance from which it fell, ready to go back and fall again.
Now, enough is enough! I declare the end of the film. I’ve handed in the keys to the studio, the last episodes have just been filmed, the drama was at the requested height, but the producer does not want to renew the contract. I therefore declare O-FFI-CIAL-LY the end of the series.
The preparation of these last weeks, the preceding statements, have led to this decision. I do not want this lie.
I make another choice.
I acknowledge my Parentage, I recognize from where I come, who I am, I acknowledge my Father, and that everything that I believed was true is false and has no reason to be, to exist. I commend them to You, my Father, as a gift. I release myself from everything that I had that kept me away from You. I give them to you, for Your Love and Your Light to turn them into treasure.
Amen
I see couples around me, and of course I think of Erik, staying in San Francisco for a few more weeks. And I remember that in all my travels that is always something that I watched, that I seemed to miss. I wanted to share all this with someone. And now I see that as far as I can remember I always wanted to be a couple. And I just realized that I wanted someone in whom to hide, and also on whom to project. That is why I feel so safe with Erik and so lost without him, because I put my safety, my protection in him and somehow, it goes even further. I give him my life; all that to hide from God. That is why I experienced so much disappointment and suffering. I made a "person," starting with my father in this world, my god. I created an earthly god to absolve my sins of having left God, my Father. I gave all power to the ego rather than God, even though I thought I chose Him.
Mmm, thank you, thank Hoy Spirit for showing me that. I recognize that this is what I wanted so far, and it served me well. Today, I make another choice. I recognize that my only security lies in God and in Him Alone. I choose Him therefore, before anything else. It is through Him and Him alone that I want to love.

Armelle

VIDEO: Diving Deep into Relationship - Sexual Private Thoughts, Agreements

Erik: Here is a video that was recorded of Armelle and I speaking in front of the group at the Mallorca, Spain month-long devotional retreat last November. We had been going through and looking deeply at a lot of issues around sexuality, agreements, and private thoughts. In this video we each discuss some of spiritual insights we came to...

Gentle guidance on discarding masks, Sunday February 7

On Paltak this evening, I realized as the Holy Spirit guides me through what he intends me to read on Paltalk or elsewhere, in the even deeper undoing of certain beliefs, that certain masks are still present that require mental alertness. Like tonight for example, by adding the section on "true empathy. I realized how much my mask of being the one who knows or the one who always had something to say or a “saving” direction to give to people around me had earned me a special place, such that I kept others somewhat dependent on me, I was so afraid of being abandoned.
Today, I can see through what I experienced with my friends and family, that this fear is gone, I no longer feel this attachment; I feel that everything is right, whatever happens, and the only thing that matters is to follow guidance, to follow my heart, which brings me back gently to Who I really Am. And to see the Truth in my Brothers, and that the correction is not mine, that they are all so perfect and innocent because they are Sons of God. It is a giant step for me to have let that go. Since it started last weekend, following guidance to not compromise and to lead Paltalk on the weekends, nothing has been more important than the Holy Spirit. I have been feeling so much joy!

Translated from French by Andy

Sooooooooooo much love
Armelle

Message February 8, To Be Great is not being arrogant!

Brothers and Sisters of all ages and of all places,
We meet a little more each day, shining the light that We Are. That is all that is asked of us... Just to be who We Are; to no longer be afraid. Stop believing the chatter of the ego. There is no arrogance at all in being Powerful, to dare to open it. Grandeur is of God, Our Father is thus our most worthy inheritance. It would be arrogant if we did not express it and make it ours, but wanted to create something that seemed better to us, or more than what Father gives us. He offers us Everything, why look for something outside?
Arrogance is the one who thinks that if I am out of his truth, beyond his dearest wish for me, that I can also create, whatever I create! Here it is, arrogance in the fact of believing that I am superior to him, and insisting on doing things by myself, when he gives me everything. To persist in this way is only going to cause suffering and despair because again and again because I choose to him deny, to deny my just inheritance, and choose the little instead of the Immensity He gives me. I cannot be happy living in such littleness, in constantly diminishing myself.
Do you think I would be here where I am if I had acted like that, if I had believed all that, if I had not chosen Him before the world? It is impossible my Brothers... Yet do not you wish more than anything to be happy, to know Love? You will not find it where you are looking. You will not know profound happiness, really, as long as you choose to remain "outside" our Father, for the happiness lies in Him and in Him alone.
Desire Him before any thing else, and All will be given you. Drop all your goals in the world and the Kingdom will be restored to your memory. This is what you have to do.... and this is the only thing!
Radiating... is the only way to bring Light where shadows still lurk.
I am with you, forever, in the Unity that We Are. At each step you take, I Am here. You're never alone, and always perfectly safe in our Father, because it comes from Him and from Him alone.
I love you

Translated by Andy Lecomte
Love love love
Armelle

No More Compromise! Love, Peace and Joy in reward...

It's crazy, I really like living a game where there chunks of bread scattered on the path show me where I must go. Whenever I pick up a piece of bread (guidance), I experience joy, love prevails and creates a bigger and bigger crater where the fire in my heart burns more... Each time I have the impression of passing to something else.
Erik was telling me yesterday, in fact, that nothing is connected. And today, I realized, during a visit to our friends in the castle, where the Holy Spirit showed me, that it's because we want to give names to things and make connections to give meaning to our experience, but in fact it is just an experience, and then another, then another. There is nothing to find in form to explain or analyze what I see because it would be looking in the wrong place, the answer is not there. The only cause is in my mind, in my thoughts. It is the only place where the correction happens. It is the only place where I can look to "justify" what I seem to experience.
While beginning Paltalk, I was guided to take some silent time. And I heard and felt how the guidance to share was that we should really be without compromise! Let illusions be what they are, illusions, see the false as false and focus on the Truth. What is very strong in my current experience, where I realize more and more that I'm in a dream that I am creating every moment. And which also reflects back to me so much love, joy, sharing, and Truth.
Since this morning with my mother, where we had a nice chat in which I shared that I would not answer to their fears or concerns, that I did not join them there. I told them how much I loved them, now more than ever and still more each day while I follow my path, and that I will no longer act in ways that reassure them. She asked me if a little compromise might be found, I laughed inside, and told her "no, I will not compromise." I follow my guidance to give them news and not because I should do it because they are my parents. I listened to everything she said to justify her fears or concerns, with love and presence, without trying to teach or make her change her opinion or to explain my point of view, because for me, it was not about that, but just to be firm with what I really want... to know the Being Who I really Am. And after reading last night the section on true empathy, I sense how much I no longer want to give reality to illusions, were it only in understanding my Brother or my Sister. Jesus tells us: "You must refuse to understand ..." when speaking of suffering. And here is what follows the practical application of theoretical integration. It is always wonderful how fast it goes! I received it in this space of peace and love, without reacting to what she shared, like I could do it so easily. I watched. And the more she entered her truth, the more my heart burned. I thanked her for allowing me to experience that moment.
When we left, she wept. I saw it, but felt nothing except the joy that has dwelled in me since the morning, the clarity in my mind and all this love ... because since that wonderful afternoon with my family yesterday, I feel so much love, wholeness, too. As if I opened at last to include everyone...
And then Erik I shared what he experienced with regard to that, and I realized that I had felt no particular emotion, that it did not affect my mood, I had seen it, but had not even paid attention. All I saw was love. All I felt was joy and love...
And that has continued to be reflected. Both at the castle, where I lived for a deep moment of sharing with Maud, with whom my heart burned so whenever we held each other in our arms, and who let go emotionally as well. It is a true gift to receive all this...
Then Philip and Ghislaine at the cottage, where one of their friends was [upset?] to see to what extent I was "inside" and I beamed... It's very hard for them, as I sense the Holy Spirit come through me... even more now.
Indeed, that's how I feel... Radiant... I feel the Spirit so present, at times as if my voice merges with His and I do not know who is speaking... it is beautiful.
So thank you Holy Spirit for guiding me toward that every moment, with such gentleness and love ...

Translated by our friend Andy

Lots of love to every One
I see Us
Armelle

Declaration of Peace with my Brothers and Sisters from all Eternity

Today, I declare the Peace with you all. There is no reason anymore to maintain in any way, the smallest fear or hostility. I cannot lose anything, and noting can't be taken from me, neither from you. There is no reason to still maintain any rivality, except perpetuing a system, that from any time hasn't brought us anything, except keeping us separated.

Let's shine all our Grandeur, our inheritance from our Father.

I don't want to do anything to seek for existing again.I stop to give the power to this ego to keep us separated, because it is so afraid of Oneness. I even let go every desire to react, for it would give it reality.

During so many year, I had been afraid of you all, I needed so much to exist. I was going through the fear of shining and take to much place to launching me to do it, and almost walk on others. It's like with the unworthiness feeling and the grandiosity, one hidding the other, and alterning again and again, for that dear ego likes so much to play... Its his way to keep us emprisoned!

I was so afraid of lacking... With you by my side, I had the impression I couldn't have enough room to breath. So one or the other had to leave, or diminish himself for the other to exist again!

Now, I am learning to love. I see the fruits of the Unity. I give that old fear to my Father, for it is not Reality, and I ask Him to show me how we live a pacified « world ».

For this is all what I want, Pure Love and Oneness. So many gifts are beyond those ego faces, and I don't want to let it decide or direct anymore. I choose for it be on the side, to stop listen to it, for, it knows how to trick me. But here is one more time where you are seen for what you are...

I want only the Truth..........................

I release you my so dear Brothers and Sisters from all those roles that I had asked you to play for me to allow me to experiment, to allow me to know what is true forgiveness, to allow me to know who You Are, and recognize who I Am through You, through all what you have offered me. I release you and release me too, for I recognize that we will be release together.

The game is almost over, the dream has been revealed, we just have to wake up...

I see Us.

With Gratitude

Armelle

Who my brother is

Wow... lots of posts today, from both of us! I don't know what it is - it's like an explosion from within. There's just like this irresistible urge to share with the world! Mostly I feel like if I share it with the world through this blog, that I will be less likely to forget it. That's how we strengthen ideas and learn them ourselves... by sharing them with our brothers and sisters as often as possible until we've learned them perfectly.

Which brings me to the latest profound insight I just had. It is about Who my brother really is. He is not the body or the person I seem to interact with. In fact, the body and the person that I seem to interact with, in truth, have nothing to do with Who my brother really is.

Who my brother really is... is the Mind that is dreaming it is the person I seem to interact with. As I perceive it now, my brother's Mind is like an infinite sphere, whose center is where his body is. And he, as this Infinite Mind, is dreaming that it is this body, having forgotten that it is an Infinite Mind. And the only way I can remember that I, too, am an Infinite Mind, is to remember to always regard him as an Infinite Mind too.

This means remembering that the person I interact with is just the dream character he is believing himself to be. It is an image within his mind. Just like if I were to ask him to imagine a blue tree, and he made a mental picture of a blue tree. The blue tree has just as much reality as the person my brother thinks he is, which is to say that it has NO reality. But it seems to.

One of the tricks of the ego is that it makes some images seem more real than others. It makes the body seem VERY real, and yet makes the blue tree seem only slightly real. You can stop thinking of the blue tree and it disappears. But it seems almost impossible to stop thinking about the body. And yet, it's only a matter of time, which doesn't exist either. The body lasts in awareness seemingly longer than the blue tree, but in Reality, they both existed in Awareness for only one insane instant before disappearing. We cling to the past by keeping that one insane instant in our mind and stretching it over eons, re-playing it and re-playing it over in all its seemingly endless variety of forms... but it's still only a instaneous dream.

And my brother is the Dreaming Mind, as am I. We are Awake now, but choosing to pretend we're still asleep. After all, why end the party so quickly?

Love,
Erik